Post by "The Real Deal" Ellis Graham on Apr 14, 2013 20:37:17 GMT -4
(Serene classical music plays. Cut to a shot of a lavish mansion, followed by a few scene changes to different views of just how expansive is the property. Cut to shots of inside, and the expanse and lavishness continue: a grand foyer with spiral staircases, a gargantuan great room, and a master bedroom larger than your house.
Inside the Texas King – you only thought California King was the biggest size of bed; EVERYTHING’S bigger in Texas – bed…is Ellis Graham. On cue, an alarm clock designed to look and sound like a miniature Westminster Chimes begins to play. Ellis hits the alarm to turn it off, then sits up in bed, his shirtless body causing your woman to look at you and give a depressed sigh…
…if you had one.
As Ellis gets up from bed and starts his morning routine, a voiceover of Ellis enters.)
It was a morning just like any other. I got up, went in the bathroom to shave, and as I did, I looked in the mirror, and thought two things. One: I’m not a narcissist or anything, but that’s an incredibly handsome man that I get to look at in the mirror.
Two: I want to beat other people up for a living.
Well, living isn’t the right word. I’m one of the children of Gordon Graham, so “earning a living” was never something I had to worry about. I guess, you could say, I decided to make a “hobby” out of beating other people up.
(The scene cuts to Ellis finishing donning workout gear, then a quick cut to Ellis performing textbook squats.)
wasn’t about fitness. I always felt a personal drive and motivation to be in peak physical shape.
(The scene of Ellis performing squats zooms out, and entering the shot is a massive flatscreen TV playing Wii Fit, leading Ellis through a squat exercise. On cue, the video game personal trainer issues a robotic motivational “You’re doing great!”)
So the question was this: into what combative sport do I enter myself? Well, the answer there was simple. See, in boxing, no matter what I do, I’m just a boxer. MMA? Same story. In fact, there is only one fighting sport that’s different, and that’s professional wrestling. That was the difference, because I don’t want to be a boxer or a martial artist. I didn’t want to change who I am, because I love who I get to be every day.
(The scene cuts to Ellis Graham, dressed in an expensive suit, looking at a full-length mirror in the spiral-staircased foyer, straightening his tie.)
Every day, I get to be Ellis Graham.
(NEXT: Ellis negotiates his APW contract!)
People assume that only the best of the best in the pro wrestling industry get signed to APW.
The reality is that that's just not true. Sometimes, the scouts look at a wrestler and see something else that might make them an addition to the roster.
That brings me to Nairobi Nightmare. What is it about her that makes her a solid investment for APW? Her high-flying style? Hmmm...no, I don't see it. You see, throwing your body around like you're auditioning for Ragdoll Blaster 3 doesn't put butts in the seats. Is it that she's a woman? That might be part of it, but there's gotta be more. After all, we're passed the point of being shocked when a babymaker can wrestle as good as a moneymaker.
Then it hit me! Kobe Hardin, you are in APW because you are quite possibly the least attractive human specimen that has ever existed outside of a horror film. It makes PERFECT SENSE! You see, a little troll-faced girl like you CAN'T HELP but have people take pity on you for, you know, having parents that would let you wander outside looking like that. So, the fans pity you and hope you succeed despite your unavoidable disability. After all, most of them are just as monstrous as you, so they probably live vicariously through you. So go for it, Shinobi! Do it for the ugly ones! Do it for YOUR PEOPLE!
But don't expect me to take pity on you. I make WAY too much money to have time to care about the cosmetically handicapped.
(Scene cuts to a panoramic shot of APW Headquarters in the city of…we’ll just say the town of Jeffslastname. After a moment, the scene cuts inside to a corner building with a wonderful view of whatever scenery Jeffslastname is known for. This is the office of an APW executive. Sure.)
When it was time to negotiate a deal for my APW career, I knew I would intimidate them. I mean, come on! My father is Gordon Graham, the billionaire CEO of Money Graham, the most successful hedge fund in America! The apple doesn’t fall from the tree, either, so I know my reputation was going to precede me.
So, I decided to go easy on APW and send in the stunt double.
(Into the shot walks this man:
The scene freezes. From the right, a graphic enters:
Yeoman Gill
Nickname: “Yes”
Ellis Graham’s Manager/Personal Assistant
The scene unfreezes and Yeoman stumbles in and nervously shakes the executive’s hand. The audio picks up their conversation.)
Hello, sir, I am Yeoman Gill, Ellis Graham’s manager.
Hi there. You know, I was just about to fax this to Mr. Graham. Since we created the Meltdown brand, the initial contracts are all straightforward.
Yeah, you see, I have some specific demands on behalf of my employer. A guy like him doesn’t just take the “straightforward” contract.
What?
Nothing crazy, sir. Just some provisions that are on the level of a man like Ellis Graham.
(sigh) Let’s hear it.
Well, the big one is the guaranteed money.
What?
You know! The guaranteed money! The nice fat contract is nice and all but I've been sent to make sure that if he gets injured, his money is protected.
Umm...all of the contracts are guaranteed. So...
(Yes looks over the scribbles on his yellow notepad.)
Oh yeah! Ellis also wants a sizable signing bonus. We're thinking Cam Newton money.
...Sir, that's a football player. Football and wrestling salaries aren't...they're different contracts.
Look, don't play games with me. Ellis wants the biggest signing bonus in APW history! Anything less would be...
(Yes looks at the TV camera as it zooms directly in on his face)
...a DEALBREAKER!
(With total seriousness and coolness, Yes turns back to the executive.)
Mr. Gill...wrestlers don't get "signing bonuses".
THIS ONE DOES! I'm either walking outta here with a contract that has the biggest signing bonus IN APW HISTORY or I walk outta here WITHOUT A CONTRACT AT ALL!
(The executive runs his hand through his hair, exasperated. The camera focuses on a Post-It note on his desk: "Sign Graham today! He's fighting Monday! - S." Exhausted, he rolls his eyes, then flips to the section of the contract that details "compensation". Next to his standard Meltdown rookie salary, the executive writes in "plus 'signing bonus' - $100.00".)
Okay. He's got it. Biggest signing bonus ever. But you need to go ahead and sign it for Mr. Graham. That bonus is only good until you leave the room.
Really? O...okay.
(As Yes frantically signs, Ellis's voiceover returns.)
Yep. Biggest signing bonus in the 5-year history of Action Packed Wrestling. That's why I sometimes think about paying Yes for all the work he does. Good kid.
NEXT: The birth of a catchphrase!
People assume that similar people hate each other, especially in professional wrestling.
The reality is that, in this crazy world, it is the people like us that help us keep our sanity.
Take Ethan McEntire, for example. See, everyone thinks that I must hate this guy since we come from similar backgrounds. The truth of the matter is I respect Ian greatly for his lavish beginnings, and for how he also thought that the only thing better than sick wealth was being super rich AND getting to knock the crap out of people in person.
Now that doesn't mean I'm gonna let Kevin win or anything. That's just crazy talk, there! Sure, I won't be as bothered if Donald Evans wins instead of Matt Shinning or Cairo Carter, but obviously the best choice is for victory to come through "Ellis Island", am I right?
Yeah, of course I am. Check history and you'll see that rich people are ALWAYS right!
(Cut to Ellis Graham sparring against a smaller wrestler while his voiceover continued)
So my assistant, Yes, found me a couple other wrestlers so I'd have different sizes and styles to practice against.
But after awhile, Yes asked me what my gimmick was. I was like "What?" He reminded me that I didn't have a gimmick, but I was like "WITCH, PLEASE!"
He was like "Whoa", and then told me that I had a segue phrase. I was like "Cool."
But he kept harping me about my gimmick. I started getting mad. I mean, I don't want to play some role. He said it wasn't like that, though, and a guy's gimmick is just the big thing about a person that makes them different, like how Glover Hackney is an alcoholic or how Michael Shanahan is a Libertarian.
I got what he was saying, but I told Yes that I didn't have one. I don't have any crazy character traits, all this awesomeness that I am is the Real Deal!
He was like "Whoa", and then told me that I had a gimmick. I was like "Cool."
So then finally he tells me I need a catchphrase, but I don't have time for that.
(Cut to Ellis sparring against a bigger wrestler, more wide than tall, like a bulldog. The bulldog man charges Graham, but Graham catches him, uses his momentum to lift his girth off the ground, then slam him down with a powerful Spinebuster, unquestionably the greatest execution of the move that has ever been filmed. While Yes looks on from ringside, Ellis grabs the bulldog man's legs and twists him around into a Texas Cloverleaf, the "Ellis Island" submission move. Since it's a sparring match, Ellis locks it in but immediately breaks it without waiting for a tapout.)
One day, Yes asked me why "Ellis Island" gets anyone to submit. He thought it was the legs, and I told him "No. The legs make it harder for a guy to kickout, but the pain on them is nothing. The curving of the back, THAT'S WHAT'S REAL!"
He was like "Whoa", and then told me that I had a catchphrase.
I was like "Cool."
People assume that a man willing to take a stand for his beliefs is both noble and rare.
The reality is that "taking a stand" more often than not means "bitching", which Bing defines as "exhibiting the traits of a bitch", and bitches are neither noble nor rare.
Prime example? Look no further than Marty Jensen, the hobo extraordinaire. Now, you wanna talk about a guy who thinks that he's noble when all he does is whine? That's Jenny Michaels here to a "T". He's poor, just like most of the audience, so he thinks people will like him more if he becomes like a "hero of poor people" or something. Look, Mac, the impoverished don't want someone to be their Robina Hood, they want someone to be their Santa. Are you a Santa, Mick Jenner? Are you gonna help these poor abused souls turn their lives around? Of course not! You're poor, too! You can't do a damn thing for these people.
So instead, you pull an Adolf Hitler and try to rabble-rouse the crowd into supporting you against a common enemy: the evil people that brought them down. And I'm sure the fact that I'm wealthy means I'm a prime target. Truth be told, you can't find a single thing I ever did to hurt a poor person...well until Meltdown when I beat the crap outta you.
Finally, Michelle, I want to throw back in your grungy face the whole "I retired two wrestlers" crap. See, that might work in Mitchell Hennig's fantasy world, but THE REALITY of the matter is this: Ken Doll didn't care and got himself fired. I think a PIECE OF TOAST would've beaten him that night! As for Kip Arizona, the fact that he so quickly dropped that press release about his music career tells me he was planning to lose that night so he could sneak out the back.
So fantasy land might call you the Career Killer, but in fact, you aren't anything except a guy who got lucky against opponents on their way out.
...AND THAT'S WHAT'S REAL!
Inside the Texas King – you only thought California King was the biggest size of bed; EVERYTHING’S bigger in Texas – bed…is Ellis Graham. On cue, an alarm clock designed to look and sound like a miniature Westminster Chimes begins to play. Ellis hits the alarm to turn it off, then sits up in bed, his shirtless body causing your woman to look at you and give a depressed sigh…
…if you had one.
As Ellis gets up from bed and starts his morning routine, a voiceover of Ellis enters.)
It was a morning just like any other. I got up, went in the bathroom to shave, and as I did, I looked in the mirror, and thought two things. One: I’m not a narcissist or anything, but that’s an incredibly handsome man that I get to look at in the mirror.
Two: I want to beat other people up for a living.
Well, living isn’t the right word. I’m one of the children of Gordon Graham, so “earning a living” was never something I had to worry about. I guess, you could say, I decided to make a “hobby” out of beating other people up.
(The scene cuts to Ellis finishing donning workout gear, then a quick cut to Ellis performing textbook squats.)
wasn’t about fitness. I always felt a personal drive and motivation to be in peak physical shape.
(The scene of Ellis performing squats zooms out, and entering the shot is a massive flatscreen TV playing Wii Fit, leading Ellis through a squat exercise. On cue, the video game personal trainer issues a robotic motivational “You’re doing great!”)
So the question was this: into what combative sport do I enter myself? Well, the answer there was simple. See, in boxing, no matter what I do, I’m just a boxer. MMA? Same story. In fact, there is only one fighting sport that’s different, and that’s professional wrestling. That was the difference, because I don’t want to be a boxer or a martial artist. I didn’t want to change who I am, because I love who I get to be every day.
(The scene cuts to Ellis Graham, dressed in an expensive suit, looking at a full-length mirror in the spiral-staircased foyer, straightening his tie.)
Every day, I get to be Ellis Graham.
(NEXT: Ellis negotiates his APW contract!)
----------
People assume that only the best of the best in the pro wrestling industry get signed to APW.
The reality is that that's just not true. Sometimes, the scouts look at a wrestler and see something else that might make them an addition to the roster.
That brings me to Nairobi Nightmare. What is it about her that makes her a solid investment for APW? Her high-flying style? Hmmm...no, I don't see it. You see, throwing your body around like you're auditioning for Ragdoll Blaster 3 doesn't put butts in the seats. Is it that she's a woman? That might be part of it, but there's gotta be more. After all, we're passed the point of being shocked when a babymaker can wrestle as good as a moneymaker.
Then it hit me! Kobe Hardin, you are in APW because you are quite possibly the least attractive human specimen that has ever existed outside of a horror film. It makes PERFECT SENSE! You see, a little troll-faced girl like you CAN'T HELP but have people take pity on you for, you know, having parents that would let you wander outside looking like that. So, the fans pity you and hope you succeed despite your unavoidable disability. After all, most of them are just as monstrous as you, so they probably live vicariously through you. So go for it, Shinobi! Do it for the ugly ones! Do it for YOUR PEOPLE!
But don't expect me to take pity on you. I make WAY too much money to have time to care about the cosmetically handicapped.
----------
(Scene cuts to a panoramic shot of APW Headquarters in the city of…we’ll just say the town of Jeffslastname. After a moment, the scene cuts inside to a corner building with a wonderful view of whatever scenery Jeffslastname is known for. This is the office of an APW executive. Sure.)
When it was time to negotiate a deal for my APW career, I knew I would intimidate them. I mean, come on! My father is Gordon Graham, the billionaire CEO of Money Graham, the most successful hedge fund in America! The apple doesn’t fall from the tree, either, so I know my reputation was going to precede me.
So, I decided to go easy on APW and send in the stunt double.
(Into the shot walks this man:
The scene freezes. From the right, a graphic enters:
Yeoman Gill
Nickname: “Yes”
Ellis Graham’s Manager/Personal Assistant
The scene unfreezes and Yeoman stumbles in and nervously shakes the executive’s hand. The audio picks up their conversation.)
Hello, sir, I am Yeoman Gill, Ellis Graham’s manager.
Hi there. You know, I was just about to fax this to Mr. Graham. Since we created the Meltdown brand, the initial contracts are all straightforward.
Yeah, you see, I have some specific demands on behalf of my employer. A guy like him doesn’t just take the “straightforward” contract.
What?
Nothing crazy, sir. Just some provisions that are on the level of a man like Ellis Graham.
(sigh) Let’s hear it.
Well, the big one is the guaranteed money.
What?
You know! The guaranteed money! The nice fat contract is nice and all but I've been sent to make sure that if he gets injured, his money is protected.
Umm...all of the contracts are guaranteed. So...
(Yes looks over the scribbles on his yellow notepad.)
Oh yeah! Ellis also wants a sizable signing bonus. We're thinking Cam Newton money.
...Sir, that's a football player. Football and wrestling salaries aren't...they're different contracts.
Look, don't play games with me. Ellis wants the biggest signing bonus in APW history! Anything less would be...
(Yes looks at the TV camera as it zooms directly in on his face)
...a DEALBREAKER!
(With total seriousness and coolness, Yes turns back to the executive.)
Mr. Gill...wrestlers don't get "signing bonuses".
THIS ONE DOES! I'm either walking outta here with a contract that has the biggest signing bonus IN APW HISTORY or I walk outta here WITHOUT A CONTRACT AT ALL!
(The executive runs his hand through his hair, exasperated. The camera focuses on a Post-It note on his desk: "Sign Graham today! He's fighting Monday! - S." Exhausted, he rolls his eyes, then flips to the section of the contract that details "compensation". Next to his standard Meltdown rookie salary, the executive writes in "plus 'signing bonus' - $100.00".)
Okay. He's got it. Biggest signing bonus ever. But you need to go ahead and sign it for Mr. Graham. That bonus is only good until you leave the room.
Really? O...okay.
(As Yes frantically signs, Ellis's voiceover returns.)
Yep. Biggest signing bonus in the 5-year history of Action Packed Wrestling. That's why I sometimes think about paying Yes for all the work he does. Good kid.
NEXT: The birth of a catchphrase!
----------
People assume that similar people hate each other, especially in professional wrestling.
The reality is that, in this crazy world, it is the people like us that help us keep our sanity.
Take Ethan McEntire, for example. See, everyone thinks that I must hate this guy since we come from similar backgrounds. The truth of the matter is I respect Ian greatly for his lavish beginnings, and for how he also thought that the only thing better than sick wealth was being super rich AND getting to knock the crap out of people in person.
Now that doesn't mean I'm gonna let Kevin win or anything. That's just crazy talk, there! Sure, I won't be as bothered if Donald Evans wins instead of Matt Shinning or Cairo Carter, but obviously the best choice is for victory to come through "Ellis Island", am I right?
Yeah, of course I am. Check history and you'll see that rich people are ALWAYS right!
----------
(Cut to Ellis Graham sparring against a smaller wrestler while his voiceover continued)
So my assistant, Yes, found me a couple other wrestlers so I'd have different sizes and styles to practice against.
But after awhile, Yes asked me what my gimmick was. I was like "What?" He reminded me that I didn't have a gimmick, but I was like "WITCH, PLEASE!"
He was like "Whoa", and then told me that I had a segue phrase. I was like "Cool."
But he kept harping me about my gimmick. I started getting mad. I mean, I don't want to play some role. He said it wasn't like that, though, and a guy's gimmick is just the big thing about a person that makes them different, like how Glover Hackney is an alcoholic or how Michael Shanahan is a Libertarian.
I got what he was saying, but I told Yes that I didn't have one. I don't have any crazy character traits, all this awesomeness that I am is the Real Deal!
He was like "Whoa", and then told me that I had a gimmick. I was like "Cool."
So then finally he tells me I need a catchphrase, but I don't have time for that.
(Cut to Ellis sparring against a bigger wrestler, more wide than tall, like a bulldog. The bulldog man charges Graham, but Graham catches him, uses his momentum to lift his girth off the ground, then slam him down with a powerful Spinebuster, unquestionably the greatest execution of the move that has ever been filmed. While Yes looks on from ringside, Ellis grabs the bulldog man's legs and twists him around into a Texas Cloverleaf, the "Ellis Island" submission move. Since it's a sparring match, Ellis locks it in but immediately breaks it without waiting for a tapout.)
One day, Yes asked me why "Ellis Island" gets anyone to submit. He thought it was the legs, and I told him "No. The legs make it harder for a guy to kickout, but the pain on them is nothing. The curving of the back, THAT'S WHAT'S REAL!"
He was like "Whoa", and then told me that I had a catchphrase.
I was like "Cool."
(roll credits.)
----------
----------
People assume that a man willing to take a stand for his beliefs is both noble and rare.
The reality is that "taking a stand" more often than not means "bitching", which Bing defines as "exhibiting the traits of a bitch", and bitches are neither noble nor rare.
Prime example? Look no further than Marty Jensen, the hobo extraordinaire. Now, you wanna talk about a guy who thinks that he's noble when all he does is whine? That's Jenny Michaels here to a "T". He's poor, just like most of the audience, so he thinks people will like him more if he becomes like a "hero of poor people" or something. Look, Mac, the impoverished don't want someone to be their Robina Hood, they want someone to be their Santa. Are you a Santa, Mick Jenner? Are you gonna help these poor abused souls turn their lives around? Of course not! You're poor, too! You can't do a damn thing for these people.
So instead, you pull an Adolf Hitler and try to rabble-rouse the crowd into supporting you against a common enemy: the evil people that brought them down. And I'm sure the fact that I'm wealthy means I'm a prime target. Truth be told, you can't find a single thing I ever did to hurt a poor person...well until Meltdown when I beat the crap outta you.
Finally, Michelle, I want to throw back in your grungy face the whole "I retired two wrestlers" crap. See, that might work in Mitchell Hennig's fantasy world, but THE REALITY of the matter is this: Ken Doll didn't care and got himself fired. I think a PIECE OF TOAST would've beaten him that night! As for Kip Arizona, the fact that he so quickly dropped that press release about his music career tells me he was planning to lose that night so he could sneak out the back.
So fantasy land might call you the Career Killer, but in fact, you aren't anything except a guy who got lucky against opponents on their way out.
...AND THAT'S WHAT'S REAL!