I Need Serious Help

[Nick Watson]

If there is one thing that seems to be hitting me hard is that I don't know what the hell to do at all. I don't know what I need to change to start winning, but to be honest something needs to change with my writing soon or I'm just not going to have anything to write about so:

apwprez.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=odrp2012&action=display&thread=10659

If someone wants my flawed feedback on one of their rps in exchange for some kind of solid feedback on this one I will do it, but I seriously need some form of advice soon otherwise I'm just fresh out of ideas.

[Slade "The Main Man" Craven]

I still owe you some feedback before I took time off to rework Slade and Shadow. I will look it over as soon as im home from work.

[Nick Watson]

Bump for great justice!

[C.J. Gates]

You could probably look to your OOC thread about being done with Watson for some insight into what people have thought. The first thing that comes to mind is, if you're not having fun and are constantly worrying about winning, or always caught up trying to jump into something right away (ie: trying to jump into the main event with a new or a return character, or shooting for a title match feud right off the bat without actually building the character), then it might be worth it to take a step back.

The other part is that feuds help. Reach out to some people about feuding. Sure, you can sit back and hope something happens from the mind of Jeff, but half the battle is planning and reaching out for feuds on your own. That's how everything started for Gates, I reached out about a tag team with Blade.

Will it make it more fun? Ideally, yes. If you actually have a direction and have some story/feud stuff going on, it might give more insight into how you want to write your RP/character.

[Jules]

Jun 18, 2012 16:04:32 GMT -4 C.J. Gates said:

You could probably look to your OOC thread about being done with Watson for some insight into what people have thought. The first thing that comes to mind is, if you're not having fun and are constantly worrying about winning, or always caught up trying to jump into something right away (ie: trying to jump into the main event with a new or a return character, or shooting for a title match feud right off the bat without actually building the character), then it might be worth it to take a step back.

The other part is that feuds help. Reach out to some people about feuding. Sure, you can sit back and hope something happens from the mind of Jeff, but half the battle is planning and reaching out for feuds on your own. That's how everything started for Gates, I reached out about a tag team with Blade.

Will it make it more fun? Ideally, yes. If you actually have a direction and have some story/feud stuff going on, it might give more insight into how you want to write your RP/character.

QFT.

[Nick Watson]

I jump a bit back and forth between characters mostly, but in a way you're right. But I won't step back and sometimes you need wins to build momentum, when your last win was about a month ago, and you are trying to contact other's for feuds and they ignore you then there is a problem. And trust me, I've tried to get the ball rolling with a few other people, but they decide not to contact me back. I won't name, names, but it has happened. I got frustrated as some people do at the way things are handled, but I am still here, and I intend to keep true to my word that I will be here. I'm not going to step back because I am frustrated, I'm instead going to keep moving forward, and maybe something will happen. I've contacted Jeff, we've talked, and we have worked some things out. But this thread is not about me as who I am, but about what I need to improve on from an rp stand point. Sure the character creation bit is coming, as a matter of fact I fleshed out a faint idea for a story, but the fact is I need help as the title of this thread states. And some helpful criticism toward this rp would be excellent.

Edit: And no, I didn't contact any main eventers, and neither do I want to be in the Main Event...I just want somebody to bounce ideas off of and have a fun feud. To answer your question.

[President Jeff]

When was the last time CJ won a match? ;D

[Metrodamus]

Jun 18, 2012 18:29:56 GMT -4 President Jeff said:

When was the last time CJ won a match? ;D

That's what I take solace in - it's not like I'm the only one who's suffered from being in Noble's camp.

[Jules]

Okay my reply wasn't very constructive, so I'll try to make amends.

*

- Firstly, I'm a bit confused about this character. Is he a face or a heel?

- The opening narration is fine, well written, nicely overviews Watson's struggles and conveys his feelings about this. But who is narrating? I always ask this question because if you're going to include that kind of narration, with that much depth, it needs to be strong, contain personality, and an identity. People often use the nameless narrator (that mysterious omniscient 'view from nowhere'), and that is fine if the narrator is merely offering stage directions, but when the narrator offers a commentary I prefer it if there is some sense of identity about who this is. Think less Thomas Hardy and more Marcel Proust.

C.J. Gates, for example, is very clear who the narrator is in his RPs (it's C.J. Gates' internal monologue); so too is Keaton Saint whose Rhino's Rasslin' Roundup is brilliant. The point (which I've probably overly stated) is if your narration is going to have that much personality, and have such a big part in your RP and storytelling, make it darn clear who is offering it. Is it objective? subjective? does it come from a bias point of view?

I can surmise that the narrator is not Watson because the narration is written in the third person - but if this is someone's point of view, whose is it? You're presenting it as though it is objective matter of fact, when it's actually a subjective opinion. I'd like to know whose it is. If I know who the narrator is this commentary becomes a lot clearer to me and I can begin to understand it's coherence.

- You move then into the dialogue seamlessly - is the narrator the same? We've moved from third-person subjective commentary to third-person objective narration (that is purely descriptive).

Actually the answer comes a few lines down because the narrator is offering me commentary again - or is he just describing Nick's thoughts? I'm not entirely sure. My point here is that it is confusing whose thoughts I'm actually supposed to be aware of (there are italics - are these alone Nick's thoughts). Does Nick think there is a conspiracy against him, or does the narrator? (If the latter, who is he and why should I give two cents what he thinks?).

The dialogue between Nick and Pence was a bit flat and disappointing. This is where I would expect Pence to jump in and motivate Nick. The training sequence obviously shows the professional side of the relationship, but you hint at a pretty big crisis of confidence in Nick's personality, I would have liked to see this explored through the relationship with Pence. Other than the fact that Nick is unhappy and Pence trains him, what else are you trying to tell me here?

- The Promo. Well, first of all it comes across as really heel-ish. There is a real negativity about the opening, which makes sense given Nick's frame of mind, but he quickly starts blaming others, and with the general no-selling from the narrator it kind of makes Nick go over as a bit spiteful and whiny.

I don't understand why Nick feels cheated. There is a logical incoherence here because Nick is saying the competitors in the ladder match deserved a real shot at advancing - well they did, but they lost. Kayfabe-wise I can't understand what point is being made here.

Next paragraph you sell T4TB well, but then it's back to more heel-ish whining. He comes over more as an embittered and delusional heel, but as a rookie stud he should be looking positively at every match, as a way to prove himself. Okay it hasn't gone his way so far, but he is determined to persevere and make himself a success....something along those lines; something that you think is going to make the fans root for Nick and want to see him succeed.

Faces are all about hard work, earning their due, they should promote merit over entitlement, all those principles and values that we admire. Even if a face is wronged, his motivation shouldn't be spite or bitterness, it's about proving his antagonist wrong, all that beat evil with goodness malarky. (I'm grossly generalising here, but you get the idea.)

It actually gets better because you write much of the rest of promo as a face, selling opponents well, the link between your character and Mark Mania through Pence is very good, really sells the match and gives it a sense of importance that extends beyond the tournament - Mania out to get to Pence through Nick; Nick wanting to show his mentor he can be just as good as him.

*

Overall, there is some good stuff in this RP, but its problems stem largely from the confusing structural purpose of the narration and the incoherence of the Watson character. Some people may think I'm over-analysing the narration stuff, and to some degree it is a matter of opinion, but think about the purpose of your narration and what you are trying to do with it.

As for the characterisation, you need to find a personality/gimmick for Watson that you like, and stick to it, making sure your writing of the character remains true to this. You did 'The Sensational One' thing (which I thought wasn't a terrible idea, maybe just needed clarity of thought behind it) and panned it; then you did the injustice thing, which was very heel-ish, and there are enough angles of that sort going on with The Sindicate on OD/T.R.I. on Asylum.

My recommendation would be to go with the rookie trying to make it angle. You're trying to hard to push a new character straight into the main event. I know you've had incredible success here in the past, but with a new character you may just have to accept that you have to begin from the bottom rung. This may actually work to your advantage, because as you're ironing out the Watson character, who is a rookie, there will be ups and downs, which is what you would expect from a rookie. Go with that, use it to help build the character.

I would forget about week to week results because in the grand scheme of things they are meaningless. In this game (and place) if you're consistent and committed you will be given a push; I doubt Jeff looks at wins and losses when he decides who gets pushed.

[Nick Watson]

You actually gave me exactly what I was hoping for Jules and you have inspired me to make some serious improvements on the direction and the gimmick of this character. Thank you dearly, brother.

[C.J. Gates]

Jun 18, 2012 18:48:49 GMT -4 Metrodamus said:

Jun 18, 2012 18:29:56 GMT -4 President Jeff said:

When was the last time CJ won a match? ;D

That's what I take solace in - it's not like I'm the only one who's suffered from being in Noble's camp.

Hah, exactly. Yet, for the most part, I still manage to have fun writing, even if I'm not winning.

I know my comment was more about you, but snip away some of it and go with the concrete. Write to have fun. Forget wins and losses, write to have fun. Having trouble coming up with direction? If you've lost a lot, use that. If you've had a few wins, use those.

I haven't read your RPs recently enough to say anything more constructive, unfortunately. The only thing I can offer from my point of view right now, is to have fun. Take it for what it is.