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Post by Nick Watson on Jun 20, 2012 20:39:08 GMT -4
Jules' feedback has enabled me to learn a bit more about what my character lacks...this recent rp has been an upgrade from the last one and I hope it is giving a direction for the character as I will be fleshing him out a bit more over the course of the next month so people can finally figure out what he is all about. For now a slight character development rp will suffice and any sort of feedback, as this will be the last time I request it as I no longer feel like my writing is bad anymore will be with this rp, as I want to ascertain the last bit of information I can before I go full-swing into any sort of story lines I have planned. So here it is: apwprez.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=odrp2012&action=display&thread=10767 If people can see kindly to giving me some feedback, if not that is fine too. I'm going to go on about my business, but any sort of constructive thoughts as to moving forward from this point will be greatly appreciated. Plus, I have cookies! Come on, who can deny cookies!? |
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Post by Jules on Jun 21, 2012 10:14:27 GMT -4
I guess it wouldn't be a properly formative process if I didn't follow-up. I will try to be briefer this time.
- I like you took on board the comments about the narration. Nick being the narrator works so much better for me; I know where it is coming from, I, as the reader, can decide whether I want to trust that voice or not.
- The narration brilliantly sets out the direction Nick is going in; going it alone; I like the humility, I can sympathise with and relate to Nick now. I think the reflective tone of the narration is really good because it matches the fact that this is a transitional, reflective stage of his career.
- Some might say you're telling the reader a lot here, and you have to be careful of an overbearing narrator, but I can accept here because this is Nick talking, he is going through his emotions and at this stage it works because it allows the reader to connect emotionally with the character. If you switch to third-person narrator just keep in mind to 'show', not 'tell' (as I'm Kurt would put it).
- Middle section is nice bit of CD, because it builds on the idea of the character no longer expecting hand-outs established in the first reflective part; he's on his own now, he's going to deal with whatever life throws at him - even if that means sleeping an airport arrivals lounge. There is some odd fourth-wall breaking/slight continuity error with Nick speaking to his cameraman, presumably on camera - so who is doing the filming? That's a slight thing though, it's just me being pedantic.
- The promo/monologue again is good at re-iterating how you want to take the character; you're building sympathy which a face needs to do. One concern with the first paragraph, it is a re-hash of the opening scene/reflective narration. That reflective narration is fine, but when it comes to the promo stick to the match so it is a clearly defined separate part of the RP, each part should makes it own particular contribution to the whole piece, you can build on what's come before, but you want to avoid repetition.
- You sell Harris' gimmick well, but I think you knock him down too quickly. Sell his achievements before the trash talk. Okay Harris lost a few matches recently, but he just pushed the Xtreme Champion all the way in one of the most brutal hardcore matches in recent history. He's got a decorated past etc. Be careful of burying the opponent as a face. You haven't got to be his best buddy, but the way you knock 'em down has to be reasoned and rational, e.g. rather than saying Harris is a walk in the park, he is a choker because he couldn't beat Dionysus; reflect on how 'he gave it his all, put up a great fight, but ultimately didn't have what it takes; in fact he always comes up short when the going gets tough. Maybe his best days are behind him'. That short of thing - if you want a cheesy metaphor for how I see writing a face promo 'you can't knock down the wall if it ain't built yet'.
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My overall assessment is that this is definitely a step forward. I like it much better than the last RP I read because in the first half of the RP I get a definite sense of who Nick is as a character and what he wants to achieve.
My tips are:
- maintain the strong identity and personality of Nick's narration, but try to avoid the whole RP becoming an extended monologue (if you know what I mean).
- maintain the continuity of the character throughout.
- SELL! SELL! SELL! I would refer you to the excellent guides found on The Experts' website.
Much better brother, stick at it, and try to enjoy it. I definitely got the sense, as a reader, that you enjoyed writing this one more than the previous effort I read.
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Post by Nick Watson on Jun 21, 2012 15:13:43 GMT -4
Can you explain what you mean by extended monologue? Do you mean to break up narration by adding dialogue or does it mean something else?
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Post by Jules on Jun 21, 2012 16:35:55 GMT -4
Yeah, sort of. But also, what I mean is if everything is in first-person subjective it can feel like it's one extended single voice monologue.
I might just be labouring the point here, and I don't want to discourage you doing something that I think is a positive move (Nick being the narrator) - I would just make sure the content of the 'white' narration doesn't also appear in the 'green' promo. If the white is your CD, and the green is your match promo, then it shouldn't be a problem.
But you've clearly defined and separated the different parts of your promo, so maybe I'm just looking for something to say 'you could improve this' - a problem of being trained in a certain way I think.
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