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Post by Shane Borderland on Jun 29, 2012 22:53:09 GMT -4
Hey guys just wanting some feedback for this RP. Tell me what you guys think
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Post by Reaver on Jun 30, 2012 1:18:29 GMT -4
LINK!!!!
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Post by The Soul Of Philly on Jun 30, 2012 8:35:24 GMT -4
Here we go!
- I dunno if your narration is meant to be informal or whatever but "He looks at Shane and Shane signals to get him one as well. Well Eric grabs another Bud Light and closes the door to the mini refrigerator." I don't like the "Well" being there. Doesn't fit, imo.
- Some grammar and incorrect spellings of words (one instead of won for example)
- I don't know how well using Lively's nickname verbatim works. Reading just the nickname outloud in the sentence you used, it sounds weird, just calling him Jesus would have worked
- "Maybe he needs to reprove himself that he is the best or something, i dont know" In this sentence you used the word reprove, which doesn't mean "To prove again." In fact it means "to scold or correct usually gently or with kindly intent" according to Websters. When I read this, I didn't think it was a word, so I googled it. I know it's just Shane talking, but I just thought I'd pass this info on to you.
- I don't like when everyone keeps talking about Meltdown being less than the other two shows, it devalues the show. I know Borderland and Lively have been on the other two shows but there is a way to go about it without calling the brand the "promotional brand". I do like when you call Lively out on being so great but Jeff put him on Meltdown with the rookies. Also, just a few sentences earlier, you talked about Shane kicking ass, talking like you were a vet but then you call yourself a new guy.
- YOU'RE! YOU'RE! YOU'RE!
- The rest of the promo was solid, nothing stuck out to talk about. You put yourself over and told Lively that it's not gonna be Candyland against you.
It's a great promo, aside from the normal nit picky stuff, I only thing I didn't like was the put down of Meltdown, imo
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Post by Shane Borderland on Jun 30, 2012 17:30:07 GMT -4
Knucks: Take your lazy ass to the Meltdown Roleplay board your fucking DA OUSH!!! Lol
TJ: Thanks for all the info. Or being my own personal Webster's dictionary. Anyways didnt mean to put Meltdown down, just everyone knows its not as good as Overdrive or Asylum. Also yea im not a author or anything so alot of punctuation and grammar might be wrong, but they still know what im talking about. Not sounding mean or anything TJ, but if i put something up like for feedback for instance. You always reply and i dont mind feedback, because hey thats why i came to this thread. But its like you just criticize me or my stuff all the time. Doesnt hurt my feelings tho, but i know you dont like me because i have asked you to make me some banners back in the day. Well you dont have to worry about me asking ne more from you. But if your going to criticize me then just dont reply to anything i post up. Thanks TJ
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Post by Evan De Parker on Jun 30, 2012 18:02:14 GMT -4
Overdrive and Asylum wish they were as good as Meltdown...
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Post by Shane Borderland on Jun 30, 2012 18:16:03 GMT -4
Go to your Phone Booth Evan lmao
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Post by Lord Raab on Jun 30, 2012 18:20:18 GMT -4
LOL Evan you are only saying that cos you are champion.......... for now that is.
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Post by Jason Cashe on Jun 30, 2012 18:29:53 GMT -4
I'll attest to Meltdown having more Talent for sure than Asylum right now. Asylum is low on talent and an outsider would most likely see it as the 3rd Show/Development if they didn't look at anything but the rosters. Hopefully this changes after T4TB.
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Post by Reaver on Jun 30, 2012 18:45:55 GMT -4
Knucks: Take your lazy ass to the Meltdown Roleplay board your fucking DA OUSH!!! Lol TJ: Thanks for all the info. Or being my own personal Webster's dictionary. Anyways didnt mean to put Meltdown down, just everyone knows its not as good as Overdrive or Asylum. Also yea im not a author or anything so alot of punctuation and grammar might be wrong, but they still know what im talking about. Not sounding mean or anything TJ, but if i put something up like for feedback for instance. You always reply and i dont mind feedback, because hey thats why i came to this thread. But its like you just criticize me or my stuff all the time. Doesnt hurt my feelings tho, but i know you dont like me because i have asked you to make me some banners back in the day. Well you dont have to worry about me asking ne more from you. But if your going to criticize me then just dont reply to anything i post up. Thanks TJ listen DA-OUSH!!! everybody else has to post a link if they want feedback and YOU"RE NO SPECIAL. ya want proper feedback, POST THE LINK! :-p |
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Post by Jason Cashe on Jun 30, 2012 18:59:16 GMT -4
Those are the rules of Feedback, post a link or get no love. Hell sometimes even if you post a link, you get no response. Those that do on occasion are awesome, myself included when I do it on occasion. I never get any but maybe it's because people think I shouldn't be asking. We all have our doubts, I'm rambling now...
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Post by President Jeff on Jun 30, 2012 19:15:15 GMT -4
Knucks: Take your lazy ass to the Meltdown Roleplay board your fucking DA OUSH!!! Lol TJ: Thanks for all the info. Or being my own personal Webster's dictionary. Anyways didnt mean to put Meltdown down, just everyone knows its not as good as Overdrive or Asylum. Also yea im not a author or anything so alot of punctuation and grammar might be wrong, but they still know what im talking about. Not sounding mean or anything TJ, but if i put something up like for feedback for instance. You always reply and i dont mind feedback, because hey thats why i came to this thread. But its like you just criticize me or my stuff all the time. Doesnt hurt my feelings tho, but i know you dont like me because i have asked you to make me some banners back in the day. Well you dont have to worry about me asking ne more from you. But if your going to criticize me then just dont reply to anything i post up. Thanks TJ Rule #3 from the rules board I don't care if you guys have a problem with each other, I don't want your dirty laundy aired out it on my boards and no one else wants to read about it either. Also, if you want feedback, expect Criticsim and I expect you to repect others opinion, rather you agree or not or if you like the person or not. If you don't want Criticsim, then don't ask for feedback |
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Post by The Hitman on Jun 30, 2012 20:05:16 GMT -4
I barely got feedback and I was a newbie and I posted a link. <3
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Post by President Jeff on Jun 30, 2012 20:29:14 GMT -4
I barely got feedback and I was a newbie and I posted a link. <3 You made it into the Test for the Best tournament, hows that for feedback ;D |
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Post by Lord Raab on Jun 30, 2012 20:44:03 GMT -4
This is why I actually don't ever post for feedback cos of getting no replies for them in all feds I am on. I only done it once because I changed things up slightly that's about it.
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Post by Jason Cashe on Jun 30, 2012 22:03:11 GMT -4
I say we toss it up as get over it both sides of it. I didn't take what TJ said as a diss, just pointed out what he seen. You two should be booked against each other now as with all OOC arguments. Take it to the rps people or just use PM, I like the PM system for bickering..
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Post by goodburn on Jul 1, 2012 5:59:10 GMT -4
This is why I actually don't ever post for feedback cos of getting no replies for them in all feds I am on. I only done it once because I changed things up slightly that's about it. You got all the feedback you needed, because I replies to it. I think... |
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Post by Lord Raab on Jul 1, 2012 8:53:48 GMT -4
Yeah I did actually a lot of help you gave me. We really should do something about our feud as it kind of needs to happen and our characters hate each other with a passion after the title match that is. I really want Stefan to have his first feud here.
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Post by Shane Borderland on Jul 1, 2012 15:00:31 GMT -4
Well i should could come out first and say sorry for disrespecting APW and Jeff for most part. Didnt meant for this to get out of hand, but you guys seriously dont see the Hatred between us. So thats understandable. But sorry for posting this on the APW forums. I guess its just me. But sorry for acting like a child, which i hardly ever do until something bothers me. But oh well. Sorry Jeff and to the rest of the APW.
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Post by Reaver on Jul 1, 2012 15:37:57 GMT -4
wat hatred?
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Post by goodburn on Jul 1, 2012 16:33:15 GMT -4
Yeah I did actually a lot of help you gave me. We really should do something about our feud as it kind of needs to happen and our characters hate each other with a passion after the title match that is. I really want Stefan to have his first feud here. Well, as soon as Kyle Goodburn gets back into Meltdown (Soon...) that feud can certainly happen whenever Raab is ready. And just so this stays in topic; Bad blood usually happens between e-fedders, I don't know the whole story, but I'm sure you two can work things out  I read your roleplays, I do agree with the things that TJ said. Nothing takes me out of a roleplay faster than bad grammar. But other than that, I looked past the obvious, and found it to be good. I thik if most people here worked on their grammar, they would move up fairly quicker than usual. Proof read, that's all I ask |
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Post by Metrodamus on Jul 1, 2012 18:58:01 GMT -4
This is why I actually don't ever post for feedback cos of getting no replies for them in all feds I am on. I only done it once because I changed things up slightly that's about it. I would be more inclined to offer feedback if that was when people posted them. I can understand after running a big storyline over a number of role plays, at the end of a major feud, or if you've done as you said and really changed something up asking for feedback but when people ask for it every single week it just makes no sense to me because I end up saying the same thing verbatim - and at that point it's a waste of my time. Just my two cents on something that I've spoken about ad nauseam. |
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Post by Jason Cashe on Jul 1, 2012 20:56:14 GMT -4
I can see that as well. I tend to fall back to old habits even when I know I shouldn't because I've learned better by feedback given to me by Noble. Not to just give information in scene but make them see it happening instead of just telling them. I sometimes just fall back onto old ways and I think alot of people want to be continually praised for an rp to get a hint on how they did. They also almost ignore the things that could change because too many people don't even read rps in full. Hence the "Nice rp, I really liked it!" responses to typical rps.
Feedback like Hart stated should only be done after big changes, during a big PPV Match or big match period. Not every match is that big, often times if you're opening, it's not that big. Private requests for feedback should be sought after if it's wanted. My advice to it is ignore the positive feedback in part. Read it but pay more attention to the negatives, take it to heart as something that needs to be changed to make you better. Practice the negative. These dudes who offer critical and indepth feedback aren't fucking stupid. They know what their talking about so if you're asking them, LISTEN to what they said for you to improve.
Otherwise you have people repeating themselves like Hart also...said...I'm repeating what he said aren't I? Fuck me...
#IMAFOOL
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Post by goodburn on Jul 1, 2012 21:29:09 GMT -4
When I first got here, I was wanting a lot of feedback. I was trying something completely new, and i wanted to know how people thought of it. I knew it needed a lot of work, so I went a few weeks in a row wanting feedback. I think each of my roleplays were different, I took what people said the previous week, and acted on it. So I think it's important for new people who are joining to ask for feedback, and absolutely act on it. I finally got to a point now where I know how Goodburn's roleplays should be  But for the veteran people, obviously they don't need as much feedback. Like Kash said, it should only when you change something major, or are in a big match, and went all out. But the veterans here give great feedback. Noble, (drawing a blank on who else gave great feedback...) Evan also gives great feedback, partly because I'm sure they read the entire roleplay, and are critical, which is greatly needed for feedback. Two cents given |
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Post by Kurt on Jul 2, 2012 23:05:38 GMT -4
Got some for you: "Jesus Needs A Savior" Critique Like the loaded title. You might piss some judges off that way, but I'm not one of them. I like it. The opening paragraph has a static feel to it. The sentence structure largely stays the same throughout, while repeating aspects that we're already familiar with, like repeating "in the locker-room" and having a few sentences devoted to actions revolving around the beer. This opening probably could have been littered between dialogue so as to not start off on a slower note. Like others have said, little grammar issues here and there do detract from the actual narrative itself. Things like not capitalizing I, you're/your, and a few other minor grammatical issues do hold you back a bit. None of these are absolutely major issues on their own, but when in conjunction with one another, they become very noticeable. The opening bit about the Bible was amusing. I think you missed an opportunity to quote some scripture for added hilarity though, ha. I think you give a good perspective on TFTB because Borderland isn't a guy that's new to APW; he's been there, done that, and this promo gives a really solid vibe of that. The pacing comes off as a bit uneven. The opening started out a bit slow, picked up on the Bible part and teaming with Kash, but then, oddly enough, slowed back down when you began your trash talk on Lively. This happened for two reasons: 1. You switched from talking about Lively to talking to Lively without any change in context. 2. The conversational aspect of the promo essentially stops. Borderlands dominates all the talking, which is fine considering he's the star of the work; however, it does hurt the pacing because the piece was not set-up like that. The trash-talk is alright. The piece is definitely very relevant in terms of the match, but there's not a lot of specific talk in terms of Lively himself. Basically, you talk about his nickname, a general talk about his past tenure in APW, and his HoF status. That seems like a lot, but each point is made, and then not really developed, which adds to pacing issue. Overall, it was an okay piece. To me, it just seemed like a lot of little issues stacked together to hold back what could have been a really great analogy-based monologue piece. You definitely sell Lively well, but the pacing did hurt you when you really began talking discussing Lively. For the future, I would focus on starting your pieces off on a quick note, making a point about your opponent, and then developing it across the narrative, instead of discussing a lot of different points that hang in the air at the end of the promo. Hope this helps! |
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I read your roleplays, I do agree with the things that TJ said. Nothing takes me out of a roleplay faster than bad grammar. But other than that, I looked past the obvious, and found it to be good. I thik if most people here worked on their grammar, they would move up fairly quicker than usual. Proof read, that's all I ask 
But for the veteran people, obviously they don't need as much feedback. Like Kash said, it should only when you change something major, or are in a big match, and went all out.
