Outclassed

[Metrodamus]

I want to preface this by saying I've had an absolute blast writing with Level-One, J-Reb and Kyle over the past two months. I felt the story we told over three weeks with the focus mainly on the Test for the Best tournament was pretty good and allowed for things to go a lot of different ways after the pay per view. That's what I'm looking for out of this game is having fun writing with people

That being said, I felt completely out classed this week going up against three of, if not the, top role players here in APW and that's actually the reaosn I'm looking for feedback when I usually avoid it like the plague. Going up against these guys really pushed me to churn out some pretty good work to at least make it a competitive match and so I'm looking to see if anyone can offer up opinions on it. I personally really liked it and hope I've done the three of them justice and not proven what's been said in character right that I don't belong with these three.

That being said, I'm hoping people will still be critical and not try and sugar coat things. I'm writing for you and so if you're not enjoying it I want to try and fix it so that it's more enjoyable for the reader.

Thanks in advance for not only reading this far, but any insights you may have to offer.

Link: www.apwprez.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=testforthebest2012&action=display&thread=10923&page=1

[Jason Cashe]

Possibly the best request for feedback I've seen on these forums. Very classy Hart.

I do have a question when I was reading this rp in question. Heh, said question twice. Anyways..When the rp starts, is that suppose to be off camera? I ask because when you do get to the trash talking you say "Get the camera" so is the first half not suppose to be seen? I tend to look away from the Off Camera promos, they make no sense to me other than Character Development. For a match, everything within the given word limit should be on Camera. So that had me a bit confused but not withdrawn from the promo.

Well written as to expect from you. I didn't quite understand why this part was like this though in one spot:

“The worst thing about this defeat though is that it’s going to bring an end to the mystique of Kurt Noble. \
People aren’t going to believe in Kurt Noble, the king of Action Packed Wrestling, anymore.

Whats with the "\" there? Just little stuff like that, I have no idea how you aren't owning shit on Overdrive or Nobledrive which also shows that you are content with putting Noble over. It's good to see friendships like that between characters. It's chemistry in part because I for a while thought you and Noble were kin and it turns out to be Delikado and Noble. Just shows you know each other well and have a standing relationship. I don't think there are too many, if anyone who can compete on the level of dedication and chemistry that you both bring together in style and talent.

I love how you make "Defeated" the essence of the entire promo. You begin and end with that outcome in mind for both yourself and Sindicate but go into great detail as to how Noble & Hart as a unit is much more than solo talent. I like the promotion, I like the self doubt Hart sometimes has. If I wasn't a fan, I wouldn't be the President!

[The Soul Of Philly]

- first off, I love the chess analogy but you painted yourself as the unimportant part of this match so well I actually believed you suck. You effectively talked yourself down so much I just wanted to get the match over with because if you thought it was over already, might as well get it over now.

- Like Kash, I loved that you kept coming back to a single word. "Defeated" was the entire theme of this RP but it held two different meanings.

- Now for the second part as the first part, I think I've said enough about it as soon as you posted it. But I didn't really talk about eh second part alot so here it is.

- I like how you put over the fact that it's a tag team match, and that's where you surpass the Sindicate. You may not stack up in individual stats, but as a team Noble-Hart is better and you bring half of that.

- I love your dissection of Rebel's past mistakes putting pressure on him to perform well and prove he's not the reason for some of the screw ups.

- I haven't followed the evolution of Chris Hart like I did for Phenomenal or Holly, but I get this sense of this promo was the one that set in motion the change in Chris Hart. From being looked down on as not being good enough to being damn well good enough to do whatever he damn well wanted. Where there masses stop saying, "Oh, he'll break soon. He can't keep this up." and start saying, "Dear Christ, why did I doubt him in the first place?" That's the feeling I get from reading this.

- I loved the arc of this shoot part. The top of it was the "here's some soap" line and then it took me down the mountain on a nice smooth ride put over the fact its a tag match again and said why you're gonna win, echoing the "believe in Noble-Hart" line from the beginning before bringing the entire thing around.

Overall, one of my favorite that you've written since I've known you, and I've known you since you started this game.

[SalTal]

I know this is coming in late, but Hart knows why - I just hope he remembers haha!

Obviously with the outcome of the match and feud known it makes it a little more difficult to really critique things for the 'flaws', so I'll go back to what I had originally thought before the results were decided.

I thought the promo was very good as a whole. It was strong in getting across a mindset for Hart, in establishing the tone of the relationship that was going to exist in the match, and it really seemed to sum up parts of the feud that had been going.

I like the more unique approach to the promo as well. Instead of 'Rah rah! I'm going to win!' it was 'Well, I'm going to lose and there's not much I can do about it...' - until Noble comes in. But this is where my first critique came in. I understand how Hart finds himself in this situation - he lost to Level-One and Rebel, he isn't the world champion, he doesn't have faith in himself. I get that and it works as a result of the evolution that the feud has taken Hart in.

What I didn't get/enjoy as much was just how potent Noble's words were. And how immediately they had effect. Hart spends the first half (or so) talking about how he will lose, how he might end up turning on Noble, and how he's really out of his league. But then Noble comes in and in less than the time Hart was talking about how horrible he himself is, Noble changes his mind. Maybe you having been in this Noble-Hart partnership for so long understand some things of their relationship much clearer than we do. Hart must look up to Noble as a mentor and advisor and would do whatever he would say, it seems. Me reading about the development of the partnership over the weeks thought it was more balanced - that they were a true team of equals. But Noble's 'snap out of it' moment here seems to suggest otherwise.

If, however, this had been a prelude to Hart actually turning on Noble in/at the end of the match then it would have sat better with me after it was all said and done. But, just this was a strange point for me.

The chess analogy - works, it was great, but it was just so random. I knew exactly what the chess set was being used for - people in the match were different pieces. And it worked. But it's such a strange thing to see that I'm left wondering 'Why was there a chess set out in the first place? Did Hart just set it up simply for the promo, or did he stumble upon a half-run match?' When I used to give feedback regularly, I'd always give a warning: I'm a bit of a 'realist' when it comes to promos. I want to see something that is real - that I'd actually see on TV (so swearing is non-existent), that makes sense (so why is that chess set there?), and is well themed to the match. You cover two of those - we'd definitely see this on TV, and it was perfectly themed to the match (as was said earlier, the whole 'defeated' thing was genius!), but that chess set ... it just seemed gimmicky to me without the reason for why it was there in the first place, that's all.

I always am apprehensive reading promos for tag team matches (and tournaments and the like) because more often than not you get the generic formula: Talk about me -> talk about partner -> talk about opponent 1 -> talk about opponent 2. A lot of people fail to talk about the team. You have covered the team well. Of course, you had to talk about each individually - but I think you managed to link and go back to the team aspect of it all enough. The problem I had with what you said about the Noble-Hart team was that it was all prefaced by that nay-saying. At times I was wondering "Hmm, he just said that he's a weak link in a team, but now he believes that he is part of the stronger team?" I guess this goes back to that transition between the thinking that Hart was going through from the start to the end, and really tightening it up.

I personally am a fan of actions breaking up big speaking parts, but as is your style you don't do that. I wouldn't bother with any actions next time. So something like the bar of soap, maybe just say "I'll bring it with me to the match" or something, rather than breaking up that flow you have going when you're writing. Because it really stood out.

Overall, a fantastic promo. And the proof is in the pudding - you're half the tag champs now. So take what you want from all this, leave the rest, and enjoy your title!