Post by jasonandrews on Jul 14, 2012 14:52:54 GMT -4
The screen flashes from black, to a moment of static, to the image of a traditional Greek Bard (Audios) standing in front of a map of Greece. Vested in a traditional Greek style outfit of an off-white shirt with dark brown pants, he smiles and bows to the camera and viewing audience. After a moment, he picks his lyre and begins to sing in a very soothing and clear voice...
Bard (singing): Tell me, O muse, of that bacon loving hero who travelled far and wide after he’d been interviewed in the famous town of Troy. Many cities did he eat in, and many were the nations with whose cuisines and beverages he was acquainted; moreover he suffered much by sea while trying to save his career and bring his men to America; but do what he might he could not save his men, for one was an illegal alien and the other was not a man at all, but rather a man who pretended to be another ma; Tell me, too, about all these things, O daughter of Jove, from whatsoever source you may know them. As this story begins, good muse, I need your help truly - for we are on a budget and cannot really afford to produce this Epic Poem...err... Promo.
The screen flashes back to black for a moment, and then to the APW logo. After a moment of looking at the logo, Johnny Knuckles voice is heard and the screen states: “technical difficulties,” keeping the logo up as the voices of Bacon and Johnny sound through your living room.
Johnny knuckles: This is insane, Bacon! We’re on a budget! How did you get Jeff to agree to this? We’re not on television in Greece! We don’t have a TV deal in Greece! Why on earth are we promoting APW in Greece? I know some of our content is available on the internet, but we should still stay closer to home and do promotional work in America! Plus I’m an illegal alien! I shouldn’t be on a plane! You saw those INS guys... They were looking at my passport for 10 minutes! They’re not going to let me back into America, and you’re going to have no trainer!
Bacon: John, we’ve got to start thinking globally. We’re going to Greece because it’s a great market to bring wrestling to! It’s the birthplace of wrestling! They need the APW! Plus, being on a plane is great! We get free peanuts and Salisbury steak! Yum! And on Jeff’s front, I didn’t clear it with him at all – he knows nothing’. I’m financing this trip out of my alimony payment from Martha Stewart. When you marry a billionaire and divorce her, you become rich.
J
ohnny: The only reason she accepted your divorce was because of Damien…
Jason: What was that?
Johnny: Nothing, Nothing at all.
The screen flashes to black and then back to the Bard in front of the map of Greece. He smiles.
Bard (singing): Dear muse, please continue the story after the plane! We don’t have all day and must get to the mystical journey of Bacon who is wise and cunning, godlike and handsome.
The screen flashes to black and then to the image of Bacon and Knuckles walking outside of an airport in Athens. Bacon sees a man, presumably their chauffer, holding a sign that reads “T.B.B.” Both Bacon and Knuckles approach him and they embrace. Bacon speaks to the man.
Bacon: I am Jason Andrews. It’s so good to be in Troy! Greece is such a wonderful country!
Greek: Actually... What used to be Troy is in Turkey. You’re in Athens. I’m going to bring you to the television studio now to film your little promotional video, and then to your hotel. Just remember now to start any funny business around here... Our Greek police force is a bit tougher than your American version. They really smack you around if you upset them here.
Bacon (looking at Johnny): Did you hear that, you dirty illegal immigrant? Best behavior for this trip. If they catch you, I’ll leave you to rot in a Greek prison forever. No more chocolate for you. Only Gyros and Greek Salad. That’s all they eat in this country. Ever. Gyro and salad.
Johnny: I knew I should have updated my visa. I don’t even know why I let you drag me me here.
As Johnny and Bacon walk away Johnny’s wallet slips out of his back pocket and as they walk away a security guard picks up the wallet and notices the invalid visa.
The Greek chauffer shakes his head at Bacon’s idiocy and then he opens the back seat of his Cadillac and lets both Bacon and Johnny in before closing the door. In the background, a man in a dark suit with a hat takes notes and watches Bacon and Johnny. The chauffer gets in the driver’s seat and takes off into the busy city of Athens. Soft lyre music plays and the Bard is heard...
Bard: Neptune had been kind to Bacon in letting him cross the ocean in his plane... However, what the other Gods had in store for Bacon would be less kind. Thus our story begins...
The scene progresses forward to Bacon and Johnny walking into a television studio in downtown Athens. They smile at the production crew and sit Bacon in a chair in front of some cameras.
Johnny: Bacon, this is all a waste of time! We should be back in America training for your match on Meltdown! You only get one shot to win this title and if you lose, you have to start all over again!
Bacon: Johnny, you worry too much. I have this match this week in the bag. I know I have been in a slump lately but this match is my way back to the top and back to the main roster. I am telling you I will not lose this week I will come out on top and go on to be the next North American champion.
Bacon points in a direction off camera and Johnny looks to see what he’s pointing at. Johnny’s mouth opens with amazement. He walks closer to Bacon and speaks in a very quiet voice.
Johnny: You got to be kidding me. You hired the fan boy that stalked us at the airport didn’t you?
Bacon: Why not he said he can be our tour guide so I hired him for cheap. Come on Johnny lighten up! Yeah he stalks us from time to time but he’s entertaining!
Loser-rr quickly walks up to Bacon and Johnny as the stage crew put the final touches on the Greek interviewer’s makeup. He steps between the two of them and speaks frantically.
Loser-rr: Listen to me very carefully. You’re both in terrible danger. INS has the building surrounded, as does the FBI. The INS wants Johnny for all the money he has made over the years untaxed, and the FBI wants you Bacon for so many of the illegal activities you regularly engage in, including but not limited to the underground casino that you run in Columbus Ohio. If you want to get out of this, I know a way... but it’s not going to be easy. The journey we are about to go on will be dangerous. But it’s better than prison. Are you ready for this odyssey, or are you good with prison and deportation? I think we can do this thing and beat them. Are you ready?
Bacon looks very confused and scared. Johnny looks petrified. They look at each other, and then the Loser-err the fan boy takes them on their way!
Loser-rr: There is a bomb in the building! We’re all going to die! We’re all going to blow up!
People begin running in every direction and screaming. Loser-rr grabs Johnny and Bacon by an arm each and drags them off towards a door. He kicks the door open and they see a dark stairwell which they take down several flights. As they enter what appears to be a dark storage area, Bacon breathes heavily and looks around with a smile on his face as he sees costumes.
Bacon: Loser-rr, you loser who has no friends and spells his name with way too many Rs, you’re a genius! We’re going to put on these clothes and just blend in with the Greeks!
Johnny looks around and cringes as he sees that they’re in a storage space for ancient Greek costumes, presumably used for movies like Troy. Johnny shakes his head at Bacon.
Johnny: Bacon, normal Greeks don’t dress like ancient Greeks. If we go out onto the street wearing armor, with spears, and helmets, they’ll arrest us immediately. We can’t do this.
Bacon: But I want to wear armor...
Johnny:(sigh) so what is the plan exactly, Loser-rr? What do we do?
Loser-rr: Well.. Actually I was just thinking we’d stay down here in the storage room for about a week, and then the FBI and INS will move on and start doing other things! We can just hang out like old-times and enjoy each other’s company. Remember back when we were inseparable?
Johnny (angry): NO! There’s no way we can stay down here! We have to get back to America by Friday! We have to get back in time for the show! Bacon has a battle royal against the top talent on Meltdown he needs to prepare!
Loser-rr (confused): Bacon still wrestles? Oh yeah he is on Meltdown I forgot.
Bacon: I’m standing right here!? After this Monday I may not be on Meltdown anymore! Johnny is right we have to get back to the states as soon as possible or I won’t make to my match. Well it’s not like anyone relevant is in the match anyway. Look at Connor’ O Hare for example. That fucking chump just got hired and he is already in a math like this for a chance at the North American championship? Are you fucking kidding me? It is like Johnny Rebel got lazy as fuck and put this match together like he wanted me to fucking win. This match is as easy as it gets for me. I have to win if I don’t win this week I have nothing else I have fallen as far as I can’t possibly fall. This what I have been going through I can’t take anymore I can’t stand to be a failure and I won’t fail. On Monday I will go into that battle royal in a right state of mind I will be the last man standing. I will go on to face the north American champion. We have someone like Stryker that has no idea what he is talking about. That motherfucker doesn’t know me or what I am going through. I rised up from my darkest moments and now I am crawling my way back to the top. Everyone goes through some dark times and I went through mine. How about this Hitman you want to talk shit? How about next week on Meltdown me and you. I am dead serious You know your right you were given this opportunity just like everyone else in this match you didn’t earn it you didn’t scratch and claw as long as I did to try to make it back in the APW ranks. When that bell rings I am making a b line straight for you. You think you’re better than everyone else? You think you are the hottest commodity on Meltdown. Boy you are sadly mistaken you need to get your head out your ass you ain’t shit son. Stefan Raab you need to not worry about playing with deadly spiders like a jack ass and worry more about me. I am the most dangerous person in this match this week and you just need to be aware of your surroundings because if you worry about yoru dumb ass spiders your getting dumped on your fucking head on the outside.
Loser-rr (angry): Shut up Bacon, don’t make me spear you. What we need to do, right now, is put on some ancient Greek costumes and walk out into the streets of modern Athens.
Bacon nods and starts picking up pieces of armor and strapping them to his giant body. Johnny looks at Bacon with a horrified look, and then shakes his head at Loser-rr, swearing under his breath. Loser-rr starts to put on a robe that would have been worn by an ancient Greek priest.
Johnny: We can’t go out into the streets of modern Athens looking like this. Not only will locals insult us and not give us the time of day, but it will almost surely draw the attention of the FBI and the INS. Maybe we should stay down here – for a day – and Bacon can train by running laps around these giant storage crates. That way he gets some exercise to prepare for the battle royal.
Bacon cries out in pain as he bites into a plastic apple. He throws down the plastic apple and starts to rub his tooth, slobbering all over his hand, some blood trickling down his face from the apple cutting his gums when he bit into it hard. Johnny cringes as he sees the disgusting sight.
Loser-rr: Shut up and put on this dress, Johnny. For the good of everyone, you must dress like an ancient Greek woman. This is our only chance Johnny – this is our journey.
Johnny gives Loser-rr a very untrusting look as he begins to put on the off-white dress of an ancient Greek woman. Loser-rr hands him some plastic apples to use as breasts. After stuffing the built in bra, Johnny smacks Bacon hand as he starts to pick up plastic grapes. Bacon nods, realizing that the grapes weren’t real. Picking up a rather small helmet, Bacon tries to shove his head into it, but cannot. The helmet remains on the top of Bacon head, looking very uncomfortable.
Johnny: This is hopeless... I’m going to be fined thousands of dollars and sent back to America, Bacon is going to prison and you... Well, you just spell your name with way too many Rs.
Loser-rr: Everyone will just think we’re part of a movie cast, running away because of the earlier bomb scare. We’ll get out into Athens and figure out what to do from there. Is everyone feeling good about this?
Johnny looks very uneasy, and then Bacon cries out again. Loser-rr looks over to see Bacon with a plastic leg of lamb stuck in his mouth – his mouth open an unnatural distance. Johnny grabs on the plastic leg of lamb and begins tugging on it with all his might. Loser-rr puts the hood on his robe up just as the leg of lamb comes sailing out of Bacon’s mouth and Johnny falls to the ground.
Loser-rr: I hope you’re ready, guys.. This is going to be the biggest test of our lives. This will be our Odyssey! If the gods are with us, we shall prevail! And if the gods are against us... Well, may they have mercy upon us and not feed on us as though we are ambrosia and nectar!
Bacon grabs a plastic sword and holds it high above his head as Johnny looks on with a mortified look and Loser-rr looks at him with a bit of disdain. The sound of the lyre is heard again...
Bard: And so brave and cunning Bacon, with sword in hand, took off from the foes that pursued him. With his friend Johnny by his side, and led by a loser who spells his name with three Rs, he begins his odyssey. Should the odyssey prove fruitful, one will be saved from prison, one will be saved from exile, one will continue to spell his name with far too many Rs. Should the odyssey fail, one will be exiled, another imprisoned and the third at risk, while in another land a foe with too many Rs will be safe. This tale is immortal: a story so epic that it will last for thousands of years after my lyre has played its last note. For epic is the tale that brings together mortals and gods and then through song, decides the fate of a soul hero. Bacon’s destiny waits for him this Monday just like he won the battle back home to America he will achieve his goal on Monday, I pray then, dear muse, for your strength to continue to sing this song. Be with me. Be with him.
Bard (singing): Tell me, O muse, of that bacon loving hero who travelled far and wide after he’d been interviewed in the famous town of Troy. Many cities did he eat in, and many were the nations with whose cuisines and beverages he was acquainted; moreover he suffered much by sea while trying to save his career and bring his men to America; but do what he might he could not save his men, for one was an illegal alien and the other was not a man at all, but rather a man who pretended to be another ma; Tell me, too, about all these things, O daughter of Jove, from whatsoever source you may know them. As this story begins, good muse, I need your help truly - for we are on a budget and cannot really afford to produce this Epic Poem...err... Promo.
The screen flashes back to black for a moment, and then to the APW logo. After a moment of looking at the logo, Johnny Knuckles voice is heard and the screen states: “technical difficulties,” keeping the logo up as the voices of Bacon and Johnny sound through your living room.
Johnny knuckles: This is insane, Bacon! We’re on a budget! How did you get Jeff to agree to this? We’re not on television in Greece! We don’t have a TV deal in Greece! Why on earth are we promoting APW in Greece? I know some of our content is available on the internet, but we should still stay closer to home and do promotional work in America! Plus I’m an illegal alien! I shouldn’t be on a plane! You saw those INS guys... They were looking at my passport for 10 minutes! They’re not going to let me back into America, and you’re going to have no trainer!
Bacon: John, we’ve got to start thinking globally. We’re going to Greece because it’s a great market to bring wrestling to! It’s the birthplace of wrestling! They need the APW! Plus, being on a plane is great! We get free peanuts and Salisbury steak! Yum! And on Jeff’s front, I didn’t clear it with him at all – he knows nothing’. I’m financing this trip out of my alimony payment from Martha Stewart. When you marry a billionaire and divorce her, you become rich.
J
ohnny: The only reason she accepted your divorce was because of Damien…
Jason: What was that?
Johnny: Nothing, Nothing at all.
The screen flashes to black and then back to the Bard in front of the map of Greece. He smiles.
Bard (singing): Dear muse, please continue the story after the plane! We don’t have all day and must get to the mystical journey of Bacon who is wise and cunning, godlike and handsome.
The screen flashes to black and then to the image of Bacon and Knuckles walking outside of an airport in Athens. Bacon sees a man, presumably their chauffer, holding a sign that reads “T.B.B.” Both Bacon and Knuckles approach him and they embrace. Bacon speaks to the man.
Bacon: I am Jason Andrews. It’s so good to be in Troy! Greece is such a wonderful country!
Greek: Actually... What used to be Troy is in Turkey. You’re in Athens. I’m going to bring you to the television studio now to film your little promotional video, and then to your hotel. Just remember now to start any funny business around here... Our Greek police force is a bit tougher than your American version. They really smack you around if you upset them here.
Bacon (looking at Johnny): Did you hear that, you dirty illegal immigrant? Best behavior for this trip. If they catch you, I’ll leave you to rot in a Greek prison forever. No more chocolate for you. Only Gyros and Greek Salad. That’s all they eat in this country. Ever. Gyro and salad.
Johnny: I knew I should have updated my visa. I don’t even know why I let you drag me me here.
As Johnny and Bacon walk away Johnny’s wallet slips out of his back pocket and as they walk away a security guard picks up the wallet and notices the invalid visa.
The Greek chauffer shakes his head at Bacon’s idiocy and then he opens the back seat of his Cadillac and lets both Bacon and Johnny in before closing the door. In the background, a man in a dark suit with a hat takes notes and watches Bacon and Johnny. The chauffer gets in the driver’s seat and takes off into the busy city of Athens. Soft lyre music plays and the Bard is heard...
Bard: Neptune had been kind to Bacon in letting him cross the ocean in his plane... However, what the other Gods had in store for Bacon would be less kind. Thus our story begins...
The scene progresses forward to Bacon and Johnny walking into a television studio in downtown Athens. They smile at the production crew and sit Bacon in a chair in front of some cameras.
Johnny: Bacon, this is all a waste of time! We should be back in America training for your match on Meltdown! You only get one shot to win this title and if you lose, you have to start all over again!
Bacon: Johnny, you worry too much. I have this match this week in the bag. I know I have been in a slump lately but this match is my way back to the top and back to the main roster. I am telling you I will not lose this week I will come out on top and go on to be the next North American champion.
Bacon points in a direction off camera and Johnny looks to see what he’s pointing at. Johnny’s mouth opens with amazement. He walks closer to Bacon and speaks in a very quiet voice.
Johnny: You got to be kidding me. You hired the fan boy that stalked us at the airport didn’t you?
Bacon: Why not he said he can be our tour guide so I hired him for cheap. Come on Johnny lighten up! Yeah he stalks us from time to time but he’s entertaining!
Loser-rr quickly walks up to Bacon and Johnny as the stage crew put the final touches on the Greek interviewer’s makeup. He steps between the two of them and speaks frantically.
Loser-rr: Listen to me very carefully. You’re both in terrible danger. INS has the building surrounded, as does the FBI. The INS wants Johnny for all the money he has made over the years untaxed, and the FBI wants you Bacon for so many of the illegal activities you regularly engage in, including but not limited to the underground casino that you run in Columbus Ohio. If you want to get out of this, I know a way... but it’s not going to be easy. The journey we are about to go on will be dangerous. But it’s better than prison. Are you ready for this odyssey, or are you good with prison and deportation? I think we can do this thing and beat them. Are you ready?
Bacon looks very confused and scared. Johnny looks petrified. They look at each other, and then the Loser-err the fan boy takes them on their way!
Loser-rr: There is a bomb in the building! We’re all going to die! We’re all going to blow up!
People begin running in every direction and screaming. Loser-rr grabs Johnny and Bacon by an arm each and drags them off towards a door. He kicks the door open and they see a dark stairwell which they take down several flights. As they enter what appears to be a dark storage area, Bacon breathes heavily and looks around with a smile on his face as he sees costumes.
Bacon: Loser-rr, you loser who has no friends and spells his name with way too many Rs, you’re a genius! We’re going to put on these clothes and just blend in with the Greeks!
Johnny looks around and cringes as he sees that they’re in a storage space for ancient Greek costumes, presumably used for movies like Troy. Johnny shakes his head at Bacon.
Johnny: Bacon, normal Greeks don’t dress like ancient Greeks. If we go out onto the street wearing armor, with spears, and helmets, they’ll arrest us immediately. We can’t do this.
Bacon: But I want to wear armor...
Johnny:(sigh) so what is the plan exactly, Loser-rr? What do we do?
Loser-rr: Well.. Actually I was just thinking we’d stay down here in the storage room for about a week, and then the FBI and INS will move on and start doing other things! We can just hang out like old-times and enjoy each other’s company. Remember back when we were inseparable?
Johnny (angry): NO! There’s no way we can stay down here! We have to get back to America by Friday! We have to get back in time for the show! Bacon has a battle royal against the top talent on Meltdown he needs to prepare!
Loser-rr (confused): Bacon still wrestles? Oh yeah he is on Meltdown I forgot.
Bacon: I’m standing right here!? After this Monday I may not be on Meltdown anymore! Johnny is right we have to get back to the states as soon as possible or I won’t make to my match. Well it’s not like anyone relevant is in the match anyway. Look at Connor’ O Hare for example. That fucking chump just got hired and he is already in a math like this for a chance at the North American championship? Are you fucking kidding me? It is like Johnny Rebel got lazy as fuck and put this match together like he wanted me to fucking win. This match is as easy as it gets for me. I have to win if I don’t win this week I have nothing else I have fallen as far as I can’t possibly fall. This what I have been going through I can’t take anymore I can’t stand to be a failure and I won’t fail. On Monday I will go into that battle royal in a right state of mind I will be the last man standing. I will go on to face the north American champion. We have someone like Stryker that has no idea what he is talking about. That motherfucker doesn’t know me or what I am going through. I rised up from my darkest moments and now I am crawling my way back to the top. Everyone goes through some dark times and I went through mine. How about this Hitman you want to talk shit? How about next week on Meltdown me and you. I am dead serious You know your right you were given this opportunity just like everyone else in this match you didn’t earn it you didn’t scratch and claw as long as I did to try to make it back in the APW ranks. When that bell rings I am making a b line straight for you. You think you’re better than everyone else? You think you are the hottest commodity on Meltdown. Boy you are sadly mistaken you need to get your head out your ass you ain’t shit son. Stefan Raab you need to not worry about playing with deadly spiders like a jack ass and worry more about me. I am the most dangerous person in this match this week and you just need to be aware of your surroundings because if you worry about yoru dumb ass spiders your getting dumped on your fucking head on the outside.
Loser-rr (angry): Shut up Bacon, don’t make me spear you. What we need to do, right now, is put on some ancient Greek costumes and walk out into the streets of modern Athens.
Bacon nods and starts picking up pieces of armor and strapping them to his giant body. Johnny looks at Bacon with a horrified look, and then shakes his head at Loser-rr, swearing under his breath. Loser-rr starts to put on a robe that would have been worn by an ancient Greek priest.
Johnny: We can’t go out into the streets of modern Athens looking like this. Not only will locals insult us and not give us the time of day, but it will almost surely draw the attention of the FBI and the INS. Maybe we should stay down here – for a day – and Bacon can train by running laps around these giant storage crates. That way he gets some exercise to prepare for the battle royal.
Bacon cries out in pain as he bites into a plastic apple. He throws down the plastic apple and starts to rub his tooth, slobbering all over his hand, some blood trickling down his face from the apple cutting his gums when he bit into it hard. Johnny cringes as he sees the disgusting sight.
Loser-rr: Shut up and put on this dress, Johnny. For the good of everyone, you must dress like an ancient Greek woman. This is our only chance Johnny – this is our journey.
Johnny gives Loser-rr a very untrusting look as he begins to put on the off-white dress of an ancient Greek woman. Loser-rr hands him some plastic apples to use as breasts. After stuffing the built in bra, Johnny smacks Bacon hand as he starts to pick up plastic grapes. Bacon nods, realizing that the grapes weren’t real. Picking up a rather small helmet, Bacon tries to shove his head into it, but cannot. The helmet remains on the top of Bacon head, looking very uncomfortable.
Johnny: This is hopeless... I’m going to be fined thousands of dollars and sent back to America, Bacon is going to prison and you... Well, you just spell your name with way too many Rs.
Loser-rr: Everyone will just think we’re part of a movie cast, running away because of the earlier bomb scare. We’ll get out into Athens and figure out what to do from there. Is everyone feeling good about this?
Johnny looks very uneasy, and then Bacon cries out again. Loser-rr looks over to see Bacon with a plastic leg of lamb stuck in his mouth – his mouth open an unnatural distance. Johnny grabs on the plastic leg of lamb and begins tugging on it with all his might. Loser-rr puts the hood on his robe up just as the leg of lamb comes sailing out of Bacon’s mouth and Johnny falls to the ground.
Loser-rr: I hope you’re ready, guys.. This is going to be the biggest test of our lives. This will be our Odyssey! If the gods are with us, we shall prevail! And if the gods are against us... Well, may they have mercy upon us and not feed on us as though we are ambrosia and nectar!
Bacon grabs a plastic sword and holds it high above his head as Johnny looks on with a mortified look and Loser-rr looks at him with a bit of disdain. The sound of the lyre is heard again...
Bard: And so brave and cunning Bacon, with sword in hand, took off from the foes that pursued him. With his friend Johnny by his side, and led by a loser who spells his name with three Rs, he begins his odyssey. Should the odyssey prove fruitful, one will be saved from prison, one will be saved from exile, one will continue to spell his name with far too many Rs. Should the odyssey fail, one will be exiled, another imprisoned and the third at risk, while in another land a foe with too many Rs will be safe. This tale is immortal: a story so epic that it will last for thousands of years after my lyre has played its last note. For epic is the tale that brings together mortals and gods and then through song, decides the fate of a soul hero. Bacon’s destiny waits for him this Monday just like he won the battle back home to America he will achieve his goal on Monday, I pray then, dear muse, for your strength to continue to sing this song. Be with me. Be with him.
