Post by biggs on Sept 19, 2012 20:22:31 GMT -4
“Stunning” Stan Everdeen and I have been training hard in a Swedish gym, wrestling in the ring for the better part of an hour when she walks in. She looks nervous, frightened, and hasn't quite spotted us yet. I break off from Stan, and wave.
”Over here, Amy! Glad you could make it,” I call out, getting her attention. Stan and I both pop out of the ring, and grab our towels, whipping our foreheads as Amy Noble makes her way over to us. She walks slowly, and doesn't make eye contact with anybody, let alone Stan and myself. As she reaches us, I extend my hand out, offering it for a handshake, as I greet her warmly, ”Thanks for coming out to the gym today. I know that we barely know each other, and while I wish we could have formally met under better circumstances, I figured that since you haven't been in the ring that much, it might be prudent to get you some training with Stan and myself today.”
”I've been in the ring before...” Amy replies coldly. I know that she's not happy about being forced into a Tag Team Match, teaming with a guy she's only met in passing, to face off against her husband. Truth be told, I'm none to happy about it as well, considering that my soon to be ex-wife, Ellie, will be teaming with Kurt Noble. It's quite sad, really, how closely mine and Kurt's lives have paralleled each others as of late. Both of our wives gave us the ultimatum, either we give up wrestling, or they would leave us. Ellie, because she was afraid of me getting further injured, and Amy, because of Kurt's actions causing her to get injured. I see the scar on her forehead from where she got waffled with a steel chair less than a month ago, and instantly feel sorry for Amy.
”I know, Amy, but I also know that I trained Ellie, and while she hasn't wrestled very often, she will certainly know her way around the ring better than you. Now the way we're going to do this is Stan and I are going to demonstrate some basic holds and maneuvers, and then you'll get to do them on Stan afterward...”
The fact that I'm not going to have physical interaction with Amy is by design, because I remember the first time I trained Ellie in my basement, how the sparks flew, how passion ignited, and I found myself almost doing something I would later regret. Considering that Amy herself is a very attractive woman, and the fact that I don't want to seem like the creepy rebound guy, I figure I'll let Stan be the one to get put in the holds. I know he'll like it. The main point is that I want to build trust with her, not because I have any designs to form a relationship with her, but because I understand what she's going through right now. Also, if I got her on board as a potential ally, that could only help me get a leg up on Kurt Noble, not just in the upcoming tag match, but also inside the Elimination Chamber.
I hop up onto the apron and hold the ropes open as Stan helps Amy up, and she enters the ring first. Stan slides in as I slingshot myself over the top rope. ”So I guess it would probably be a good idea for you to tell us what you do know how to do in the ring, so that way we don't waste what little time we have to train you.”
Amy sighs, and looks off in the distance a bit before responding, ”I know a few things...”
”Yeah, like how to take a chair shot! You took that like a champ!” Stan butts in. I slap him in the chest and shoot him a dirty look, while Amy appears to be upset by his comment.
”You know, Stan, for a supposed ladies man, you sure don't know how to talk to a woman! Amy is going through an incredibly tough time right now, and although it's a load of crock that we were booked in this match together, it's now my job to make sure that she stays safe, and both of our jobs to support her in any way that we can! Do I make myself clear!?”
Stan has a guilty look on his face, and he looks the other way as he apologizes to Amy, ”I'm sorry, that was insensitive of me...”
From here, Amy begins to tell us of her limited in-ring experience, telling us what she knows, what she's not comfortable doing, and what she'd like to learn. Throughout it all, though, I can tell that her heart is not in it, that she's exactly where I was mentally when A.C. Smith handed me the worst beating of my career. I cut her off in mid-sentence.
”I'm sorry to interrupt you, Amy, but I can tell from the way you're talking, by the look in your eyes, that you have absolutely no desire to step inside that ring tomorrow night...”
She looks me in the eyes, and talks with a steely determination, ”You're right. I don't want to step in that ring anymore than I wanted Kurt to leave me. But this could be my one and only chance to win him back. I know it sounds weird, but if I can somehow impress him, maybe, just maybe I could get him to change his mind, and choose me over his wrestling career. That, and I wouldn't mind getting my hands on his little tart of a manager, Kylie Demens.” The rage, the disdain in her face as she mentions Kylie's name, well, it gives me chills.
I put my hands on Amy's shoulders, and look her right in the eye as I speak to her. ”There's nothing stupid about the way you feel, Amy. I don't want to be one of those guys that claims to know what you're going through, but really, I do know what you're going through. You laid your heart out on the line with Kurt, and he chose wrestling over you. I did the same with Ellie, only when I told her that I chose to quit wrestling, she said that it didn't matter, she was still leaving me. We're both very much emotionally vurnerable right now, and that doesn't have to be a weakness, Amy, not if we instead decide to use it as a strength! Because you see, Amy, we can channel our hurt, we can channel our pain, and use it to motivate us to perform even greater than we can even imagine!”
“And as for wanting to impress Kurt, well, I know exactly what you mean. Ever since Ellie left me, I've been thinking about what it would take for me to win her back, and I'll be honest, each idea I come up with is more ridiculous and outlandish than the last. I have to accept the fact that she chose to leave me, just like Kurt chose to leave you. And while we both probably know in our hearts that our respective chances of getting them back are probably slim-to-none, the very fact that you're holding out hope, that you still love him, well, that's truly a noble, almost heroic act on your part.”
“I admire you, Amy, and I promise you right now, anything I can do to help, inside or out of the ring, I'm more than happy to do it...”
Amy cracks a smile for the first time, although it's joined by a look of sadness in her eyes that shows how truly conflicted she is. On the one hand, she wants to get back at Kurt for the pain he caused her, but on the other, she still loves him too much to wish ill upon him. I'm going through the exact same thing with Ellie.
But at the same point, I'm also realizing that my original plan of this training session wasn't to help prepare her for the match tomorrow, but to get a competitive advantage over Kurt. The plan was to use her to get information about him, to try and turn her against him. And even though I knew the fragile emotional state that she would no doubt be in, my plan was to exploit those emotions. After all, the ends have always justified the means for me, my entire career. But I'll be honest, as I stand before Amy right now, I feel guilty. I know that there is no way that I could even hope to try and take advantage of Amy's situation, because it would make me no better than Kurt or Ellie.
This time, the ends would not justify the means.
I breath deep as I'm about to do one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. ”Listen, Amy, I've got to come clean. Even though I readily admit that I'm not the best of men, that I'm a Machiavellian thinker in terms of my in-ring philosophy, I have always prided myself on being an honest man, and I've got to be honest with you, the whole point of me setting up this training session wasn't to try and help you improve your in ring work.”
Amy's expression quickly changes. She immediately goes back to looking distrustful of me. ”What do you mean?”
”Well, what I was trying to do was I was kind of trying to turn you against Kurt, to play mind games with him. But as we've been talking, I realized just how hypocritical and wrong of me it would be to try and do that. I barely know you, Amy, but the fact that we're going through the exact same thing, had I tried to exploit that for my own personal gain, well that would be a new low, even for me,” I apologize, looking her directly in the eyes as I do so. I want her to know that I mean every word I'm saying.
For her part, Amy seems to be taking this apology about as well as could be expected, which is to say that she appears to be fuming.
”I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. I've betrayed what little trust you could have possibly had in me, and I just had to be honest with you. I can't say it enough how sorry I am...”
*SLAP!*
Amy just smacks me right across the face so hard that it staggers me a bit. As I turn back towards her, she slaps me again!
*SLAP*
”I admit, I deserved that...”
”Yes you did. And maybe you also deserved Ellie walking out on you!” Amy snaps. She quickly exits the ring, while Stan just stands there dumbfounded. I rub my cheek a bit, allowing her words to sink in. The more I think about it, the more I think maybe she was right...
Depeche Mode's “Spacewalker” begins to play as the words FIRST CONTACT flash across the starry background. The video switches to Biggs and “Stunning” Stan sitting by an ornate fireplace, with matching sweaters and mugs of hot chocolate.
”Welcome, one and all, to the Swedish edition of Biggs' First Contact! I am your host, none other than the only guy who's held the Overdrive Championship a record-breaking three times, been a former APW Undisputed Champion, and happens to be a quarter Swedish! Now I thought that I could play that up by sitting here and drinking Swiss Miss hot chocolate while eating Swedish Meatballs, but that would have been incredibly corny. Also, Stan has more Swede in him than I do, and he wasn't on board with it, so...”
”Not to mention that I've been in more Swedes...
Biggs snaps his arms up to motion for Stan to stop right there!
”Stop right there, Stan! That's too far! Too crass! TMI! This is a family show!”
Stan shrugs his shoulders.
”Just sayin'...”
”Please, I thought once we dropped Armando, you'd get a little bit cleaner. The fact is, ladies and gentlemen, tomorrow night, in the first ever APW Viewer's Choice Overdrive, well, quite frankly, the viewers made a huge mistake! Who in their right mind thought that me teaming with Amy Noble to face off against her soon to be ex-husband, Kurt Noble, and my soon to be ex-wife, Ellie, was a good idea?”
“As much as I would like to think that this requires no explanation, I have to remember that a lot of the people who watch wrestling like to stick it to guys like me, and let's be honest, what better way to stick it to me than putting me up against not only the guy who cost me the APW Undisputed Championship this time last year, but also the woman who crushed my heart by deciding to leave me? And it only gets worse when I get anchored with Kurt's wife, a woman, who although she is very sweet, and innocent in this entire matter, is not a wrestler! Now I know that Ellie is hardly a ring general herself, but she's at least had some training, not to mention a victory or two on pay-per-view!”
“Let me reiterate, I am not trying to knock my partner, Amy Noble in any way, shape, or form. Like I said, she's innocent in this matter. The fact is that her and I, well, we both find ourselves in the unfortunate circumstance of being left by our respective spouses, and it's purely based on the decisions that they made, not Amy or myself. Kurt, last week, you showed yourself to be a selfish, insensitive jerk, choosing to continue wrestling, despite the fact that it's caused physical and emotional harm to your wife, the very woman you promised to love and to honor, to cherish and respect, til death do you part. Well, Kurt, last week, you chose to ignore that promise, to renounce it. Not really noble of you, is it? And while I can understand the quandary that you went through, having received a similar ultimatum myself from your partner tomorrow night, Ellie, the fact is that when I was on the receiving end of that dilemma, I chose my wife!”
“It was only after she decided to leave me that I decided to stick around. I was ready to make the second biggest sacrifice I could possibly make, leaving this profession that I love more than life itself, just to stay with her. I wrestled with it, Kurt, I really did, but in the end, I had to ask myself, how would I be any different from any other workaholic who neglects his wife because of his job had I made the decision to choose wrestling over Ellie? Because you see, Kurt, love is all about sacrificing your wants and needs to meet the wants and needs of the person you love!”
“And believe me, I loved Ellie! Heck, I still do! Ellie, if you're watching this, I want you to know that even though you practically ripped out my heart in front of an international audience on pay-per-view, even though you decided to leave me despite the fact that I was willing to walk away to be with you, I still love you. I love you more than anything else in this world, and quite frankly, the only reason I kept wrestling is because it's the only thing that can even come close to taking my mind off of you, and I'll be honest, it's not doing a good job of it, especially when I'm placed in a match against you!”
“I can assure you of this, Ellie, if you should be tagged into the match with me in there, I won't lay a finger on you.”
“I can't.”
“I won't.”
“And Amy, I know that you don't want to be in this match any more than I do, and so I'm going to make you a promise right here, right now, and unlike your husband, I'm going to keep my promise. I will not tag you in to tomorrow's match. I know what you're going through, mentally, emotionally, and it's not fair to you to be placed in such a match.”
“But one promise that I can make is this, Kurt Noble, tomorrow night, you and I are going at it, and we're going go at it big time! Seeing as how we're both in the Elimination Chamber Match for the APW Undisputed Championship, this match can go a long way for either one of us gaining a mental and competitive edge heading into One Night in Hell. Now in the one, yes one, time we've faced off in singles competition in the past, I beat you, and I beat you handily. Granted, that was about a year ago, and quite frankly, this last year has been anything but kind to yours truly. The Kurt Noble that I'm facing tomorrow night is not the same Kurt Noble I faced last fall. Not in the slightest.”
“Sure, you're still the hobbled old man, who fights valiantly through his nagging, and more numerous, injuries that you've incurred over a long, hard fought career between the ropes. And sure, you held the APW Undisputed Championship for four months, taking on all comers, representing APW all around the world. You're a good wrestler, Kurt, maybe even a great one. Not even I can take that away from you. And sure, you have the fans on your side, for now.”
“But the fact is, Kurt, over the last few weeks, over the last month even, one can't help but notice some cracks forming in your once shining facade. Now your selfish, heart wrenching rejection of your wife last week is only the most obvious proof of your decaying moral and mental health, but there's been a lot of little things that have been adding up. I mean, Amy wouldn't have stuck her nose in your match at Shockwave if she didn't have reason to be worried about you. And the fact that you're blaming Amy for your loss to Terry Marvin, well, that just shows how shallow and pedantic you really are, Kurt. Because you're so focused on how she supposedly screwed you, that you haven't stopped to think about how you've screwed yourself.”
“When you let Amy take that steel chair shot for you, it showed your true character, it showed your true mettle. You are quite simply a coward, Kurt. In fact, I'm going to start calling you Kurt Coward, because letting your wife get clobbered with a steel chair, and then leaving her is hardly a noble action, wouldn't you agree?”
“Also cowardly is the fact that you had to be escorted out of the arena last week in handcuffs! I mean you flipped your lid so much, you couldn't control yourself! You vandalized the ringside area, you put your precious fans in danger, and over what? The fact that you made your choice to leave Amy for wrestling. When Ellie gave me her ultimatum, I felt like she was being unreasonable, but considering what Amy's been through recently because of you, well, I think she was justified!”
“Another cowardly thing that you did, Kurt, was carry on the type of relationship you did with Kylie Demens. Sure, you may have said is was all business, that she was just an associate, but lets be honest here, Kurt, men don't keep women as attractive as Kylie is around just to be 'associates.' Now I'm not sure where exactly she stands with you anymore, because quite frankly, I never paid her much attention, but I wouldn't be surprised to see you trotting out to the ring this week with her on your arm, parading her around like she's your new toy! You already left Amy, so I wouldn't put it past you.”
“But despite all your recent moral shortcomings, Kurt, what this all boils down to is a wrestling match. One in which you and I can make a big statement heading into the Elimination Chamber. Whoever wins this match, whoever emerges victorious will go in with a definitive edge, at least over the other guy they beat this week. And let's face it, in an environment like the Elimination Chamber, you're going to need any advantage you can get! That is why I am dead-set on defeating you this week, Kurt Noble, because this may very well be my one and last shot at the APW Undisputed Championship for a good, long time. The Elimination Chamber could very well be do-or-die for me, and I'll take any advantage that I can to ensure that I leave Tokyo as the new APW Undisputed Champion.”
“But as for this weeks, first off, to the fans, I want to say shame on each and every one of you who suggested and voted for this match! All of you are putting Amy Noble and myself though undue emotional suffering just for your entertainment! Shame on you, I say, shame on you!”
“Ellie, I don't want to fight you, in fact, I wish there was some way that we could reconcile. But I've got to be a realist about this, I messed up, I own up to the fact that I made a ton of mistakes in our relationship, and a strong relationship is not built on good intentions. I'm sorry that things ended up the way that they did, and if I could fix them, I would. But we're probably beyond that. In any event, I forgive you, and look forward to seeing you tomorrow night, if only to get to gaze upon your beauty one last time in my life.”
“Amy Noble, you are a strong, brave woman whom I admire greatly. Even though I would rather not have you involved in the match tomorrow night, I just want to let you know it's an honor to team with a woman of such character. I truly am rooting for you.”
“And Kurt Coward, I implore you, tomorrow night, let's just keep things between the two of us. There's no need for either one of us to tag in the women, this is not their fight. I know that despite your selfishness, you still have feelings for Amy. I promise you, man to man, that I will do everything I can to keep her safe while she is my responsibility. You know that I'm not a good man, Kurt, but I am an honest man, and the my word is as good as gold. I promise you, I won't let any ill befall her.”
“But you, Kurt Coward, well, I will let ill befall you because I've got nothing but ill will towards you! Tomorrow night, it's the Jilters, you and Ellie, versus the Jiltees, me and Amy, and this time, I am on the side of angels. I am in the right, because I'm not fighting for myself, I'm fighting for Amy. So Kurt, tomorrow night, be prepared to find out once again why I am quite simply OUT OF THIS WORLD!”
Biggs spills a bit of his hot chocolate as he says his catchphrase, and FIRST CONTACT fades to black as he and Stan both grab napkins and try to clean it up. The APW logo and copyright appear in the bottom corner.
”Over here, Amy! Glad you could make it,” I call out, getting her attention. Stan and I both pop out of the ring, and grab our towels, whipping our foreheads as Amy Noble makes her way over to us. She walks slowly, and doesn't make eye contact with anybody, let alone Stan and myself. As she reaches us, I extend my hand out, offering it for a handshake, as I greet her warmly, ”Thanks for coming out to the gym today. I know that we barely know each other, and while I wish we could have formally met under better circumstances, I figured that since you haven't been in the ring that much, it might be prudent to get you some training with Stan and myself today.”
”I've been in the ring before...” Amy replies coldly. I know that she's not happy about being forced into a Tag Team Match, teaming with a guy she's only met in passing, to face off against her husband. Truth be told, I'm none to happy about it as well, considering that my soon to be ex-wife, Ellie, will be teaming with Kurt Noble. It's quite sad, really, how closely mine and Kurt's lives have paralleled each others as of late. Both of our wives gave us the ultimatum, either we give up wrestling, or they would leave us. Ellie, because she was afraid of me getting further injured, and Amy, because of Kurt's actions causing her to get injured. I see the scar on her forehead from where she got waffled with a steel chair less than a month ago, and instantly feel sorry for Amy.
”I know, Amy, but I also know that I trained Ellie, and while she hasn't wrestled very often, she will certainly know her way around the ring better than you. Now the way we're going to do this is Stan and I are going to demonstrate some basic holds and maneuvers, and then you'll get to do them on Stan afterward...”
The fact that I'm not going to have physical interaction with Amy is by design, because I remember the first time I trained Ellie in my basement, how the sparks flew, how passion ignited, and I found myself almost doing something I would later regret. Considering that Amy herself is a very attractive woman, and the fact that I don't want to seem like the creepy rebound guy, I figure I'll let Stan be the one to get put in the holds. I know he'll like it. The main point is that I want to build trust with her, not because I have any designs to form a relationship with her, but because I understand what she's going through right now. Also, if I got her on board as a potential ally, that could only help me get a leg up on Kurt Noble, not just in the upcoming tag match, but also inside the Elimination Chamber.
I hop up onto the apron and hold the ropes open as Stan helps Amy up, and she enters the ring first. Stan slides in as I slingshot myself over the top rope. ”So I guess it would probably be a good idea for you to tell us what you do know how to do in the ring, so that way we don't waste what little time we have to train you.”
Amy sighs, and looks off in the distance a bit before responding, ”I know a few things...”
”Yeah, like how to take a chair shot! You took that like a champ!” Stan butts in. I slap him in the chest and shoot him a dirty look, while Amy appears to be upset by his comment.
”You know, Stan, for a supposed ladies man, you sure don't know how to talk to a woman! Amy is going through an incredibly tough time right now, and although it's a load of crock that we were booked in this match together, it's now my job to make sure that she stays safe, and both of our jobs to support her in any way that we can! Do I make myself clear!?”
Stan has a guilty look on his face, and he looks the other way as he apologizes to Amy, ”I'm sorry, that was insensitive of me...”
From here, Amy begins to tell us of her limited in-ring experience, telling us what she knows, what she's not comfortable doing, and what she'd like to learn. Throughout it all, though, I can tell that her heart is not in it, that she's exactly where I was mentally when A.C. Smith handed me the worst beating of my career. I cut her off in mid-sentence.
”I'm sorry to interrupt you, Amy, but I can tell from the way you're talking, by the look in your eyes, that you have absolutely no desire to step inside that ring tomorrow night...”
She looks me in the eyes, and talks with a steely determination, ”You're right. I don't want to step in that ring anymore than I wanted Kurt to leave me. But this could be my one and only chance to win him back. I know it sounds weird, but if I can somehow impress him, maybe, just maybe I could get him to change his mind, and choose me over his wrestling career. That, and I wouldn't mind getting my hands on his little tart of a manager, Kylie Demens.” The rage, the disdain in her face as she mentions Kylie's name, well, it gives me chills.
I put my hands on Amy's shoulders, and look her right in the eye as I speak to her. ”There's nothing stupid about the way you feel, Amy. I don't want to be one of those guys that claims to know what you're going through, but really, I do know what you're going through. You laid your heart out on the line with Kurt, and he chose wrestling over you. I did the same with Ellie, only when I told her that I chose to quit wrestling, she said that it didn't matter, she was still leaving me. We're both very much emotionally vurnerable right now, and that doesn't have to be a weakness, Amy, not if we instead decide to use it as a strength! Because you see, Amy, we can channel our hurt, we can channel our pain, and use it to motivate us to perform even greater than we can even imagine!”
“And as for wanting to impress Kurt, well, I know exactly what you mean. Ever since Ellie left me, I've been thinking about what it would take for me to win her back, and I'll be honest, each idea I come up with is more ridiculous and outlandish than the last. I have to accept the fact that she chose to leave me, just like Kurt chose to leave you. And while we both probably know in our hearts that our respective chances of getting them back are probably slim-to-none, the very fact that you're holding out hope, that you still love him, well, that's truly a noble, almost heroic act on your part.”
“I admire you, Amy, and I promise you right now, anything I can do to help, inside or out of the ring, I'm more than happy to do it...”
Amy cracks a smile for the first time, although it's joined by a look of sadness in her eyes that shows how truly conflicted she is. On the one hand, she wants to get back at Kurt for the pain he caused her, but on the other, she still loves him too much to wish ill upon him. I'm going through the exact same thing with Ellie.
But at the same point, I'm also realizing that my original plan of this training session wasn't to help prepare her for the match tomorrow, but to get a competitive advantage over Kurt. The plan was to use her to get information about him, to try and turn her against him. And even though I knew the fragile emotional state that she would no doubt be in, my plan was to exploit those emotions. After all, the ends have always justified the means for me, my entire career. But I'll be honest, as I stand before Amy right now, I feel guilty. I know that there is no way that I could even hope to try and take advantage of Amy's situation, because it would make me no better than Kurt or Ellie.
This time, the ends would not justify the means.
I breath deep as I'm about to do one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. ”Listen, Amy, I've got to come clean. Even though I readily admit that I'm not the best of men, that I'm a Machiavellian thinker in terms of my in-ring philosophy, I have always prided myself on being an honest man, and I've got to be honest with you, the whole point of me setting up this training session wasn't to try and help you improve your in ring work.”
Amy's expression quickly changes. She immediately goes back to looking distrustful of me. ”What do you mean?”
”Well, what I was trying to do was I was kind of trying to turn you against Kurt, to play mind games with him. But as we've been talking, I realized just how hypocritical and wrong of me it would be to try and do that. I barely know you, Amy, but the fact that we're going through the exact same thing, had I tried to exploit that for my own personal gain, well that would be a new low, even for me,” I apologize, looking her directly in the eyes as I do so. I want her to know that I mean every word I'm saying.
For her part, Amy seems to be taking this apology about as well as could be expected, which is to say that she appears to be fuming.
”I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. I've betrayed what little trust you could have possibly had in me, and I just had to be honest with you. I can't say it enough how sorry I am...”
*SLAP!*
Amy just smacks me right across the face so hard that it staggers me a bit. As I turn back towards her, she slaps me again!
*SLAP*
”I admit, I deserved that...”
”Yes you did. And maybe you also deserved Ellie walking out on you!” Amy snaps. She quickly exits the ring, while Stan just stands there dumbfounded. I rub my cheek a bit, allowing her words to sink in. The more I think about it, the more I think maybe she was right...
***
Depeche Mode's “Spacewalker” begins to play as the words FIRST CONTACT flash across the starry background. The video switches to Biggs and “Stunning” Stan sitting by an ornate fireplace, with matching sweaters and mugs of hot chocolate.
”Welcome, one and all, to the Swedish edition of Biggs' First Contact! I am your host, none other than the only guy who's held the Overdrive Championship a record-breaking three times, been a former APW Undisputed Champion, and happens to be a quarter Swedish! Now I thought that I could play that up by sitting here and drinking Swiss Miss hot chocolate while eating Swedish Meatballs, but that would have been incredibly corny. Also, Stan has more Swede in him than I do, and he wasn't on board with it, so...”
”Not to mention that I've been in more Swedes...
Biggs snaps his arms up to motion for Stan to stop right there!
”Stop right there, Stan! That's too far! Too crass! TMI! This is a family show!”
Stan shrugs his shoulders.
”Just sayin'...”
”Please, I thought once we dropped Armando, you'd get a little bit cleaner. The fact is, ladies and gentlemen, tomorrow night, in the first ever APW Viewer's Choice Overdrive, well, quite frankly, the viewers made a huge mistake! Who in their right mind thought that me teaming with Amy Noble to face off against her soon to be ex-husband, Kurt Noble, and my soon to be ex-wife, Ellie, was a good idea?”
“As much as I would like to think that this requires no explanation, I have to remember that a lot of the people who watch wrestling like to stick it to guys like me, and let's be honest, what better way to stick it to me than putting me up against not only the guy who cost me the APW Undisputed Championship this time last year, but also the woman who crushed my heart by deciding to leave me? And it only gets worse when I get anchored with Kurt's wife, a woman, who although she is very sweet, and innocent in this entire matter, is not a wrestler! Now I know that Ellie is hardly a ring general herself, but she's at least had some training, not to mention a victory or two on pay-per-view!”
“Let me reiterate, I am not trying to knock my partner, Amy Noble in any way, shape, or form. Like I said, she's innocent in this matter. The fact is that her and I, well, we both find ourselves in the unfortunate circumstance of being left by our respective spouses, and it's purely based on the decisions that they made, not Amy or myself. Kurt, last week, you showed yourself to be a selfish, insensitive jerk, choosing to continue wrestling, despite the fact that it's caused physical and emotional harm to your wife, the very woman you promised to love and to honor, to cherish and respect, til death do you part. Well, Kurt, last week, you chose to ignore that promise, to renounce it. Not really noble of you, is it? And while I can understand the quandary that you went through, having received a similar ultimatum myself from your partner tomorrow night, Ellie, the fact is that when I was on the receiving end of that dilemma, I chose my wife!”
“It was only after she decided to leave me that I decided to stick around. I was ready to make the second biggest sacrifice I could possibly make, leaving this profession that I love more than life itself, just to stay with her. I wrestled with it, Kurt, I really did, but in the end, I had to ask myself, how would I be any different from any other workaholic who neglects his wife because of his job had I made the decision to choose wrestling over Ellie? Because you see, Kurt, love is all about sacrificing your wants and needs to meet the wants and needs of the person you love!”
“And believe me, I loved Ellie! Heck, I still do! Ellie, if you're watching this, I want you to know that even though you practically ripped out my heart in front of an international audience on pay-per-view, even though you decided to leave me despite the fact that I was willing to walk away to be with you, I still love you. I love you more than anything else in this world, and quite frankly, the only reason I kept wrestling is because it's the only thing that can even come close to taking my mind off of you, and I'll be honest, it's not doing a good job of it, especially when I'm placed in a match against you!”
“I can assure you of this, Ellie, if you should be tagged into the match with me in there, I won't lay a finger on you.”
“I can't.”
“I won't.”
“And Amy, I know that you don't want to be in this match any more than I do, and so I'm going to make you a promise right here, right now, and unlike your husband, I'm going to keep my promise. I will not tag you in to tomorrow's match. I know what you're going through, mentally, emotionally, and it's not fair to you to be placed in such a match.”
“But one promise that I can make is this, Kurt Noble, tomorrow night, you and I are going at it, and we're going go at it big time! Seeing as how we're both in the Elimination Chamber Match for the APW Undisputed Championship, this match can go a long way for either one of us gaining a mental and competitive edge heading into One Night in Hell. Now in the one, yes one, time we've faced off in singles competition in the past, I beat you, and I beat you handily. Granted, that was about a year ago, and quite frankly, this last year has been anything but kind to yours truly. The Kurt Noble that I'm facing tomorrow night is not the same Kurt Noble I faced last fall. Not in the slightest.”
“Sure, you're still the hobbled old man, who fights valiantly through his nagging, and more numerous, injuries that you've incurred over a long, hard fought career between the ropes. And sure, you held the APW Undisputed Championship for four months, taking on all comers, representing APW all around the world. You're a good wrestler, Kurt, maybe even a great one. Not even I can take that away from you. And sure, you have the fans on your side, for now.”
“But the fact is, Kurt, over the last few weeks, over the last month even, one can't help but notice some cracks forming in your once shining facade. Now your selfish, heart wrenching rejection of your wife last week is only the most obvious proof of your decaying moral and mental health, but there's been a lot of little things that have been adding up. I mean, Amy wouldn't have stuck her nose in your match at Shockwave if she didn't have reason to be worried about you. And the fact that you're blaming Amy for your loss to Terry Marvin, well, that just shows how shallow and pedantic you really are, Kurt. Because you're so focused on how she supposedly screwed you, that you haven't stopped to think about how you've screwed yourself.”
“When you let Amy take that steel chair shot for you, it showed your true character, it showed your true mettle. You are quite simply a coward, Kurt. In fact, I'm going to start calling you Kurt Coward, because letting your wife get clobbered with a steel chair, and then leaving her is hardly a noble action, wouldn't you agree?”
“Also cowardly is the fact that you had to be escorted out of the arena last week in handcuffs! I mean you flipped your lid so much, you couldn't control yourself! You vandalized the ringside area, you put your precious fans in danger, and over what? The fact that you made your choice to leave Amy for wrestling. When Ellie gave me her ultimatum, I felt like she was being unreasonable, but considering what Amy's been through recently because of you, well, I think she was justified!”
“Another cowardly thing that you did, Kurt, was carry on the type of relationship you did with Kylie Demens. Sure, you may have said is was all business, that she was just an associate, but lets be honest here, Kurt, men don't keep women as attractive as Kylie is around just to be 'associates.' Now I'm not sure where exactly she stands with you anymore, because quite frankly, I never paid her much attention, but I wouldn't be surprised to see you trotting out to the ring this week with her on your arm, parading her around like she's your new toy! You already left Amy, so I wouldn't put it past you.”
“But despite all your recent moral shortcomings, Kurt, what this all boils down to is a wrestling match. One in which you and I can make a big statement heading into the Elimination Chamber. Whoever wins this match, whoever emerges victorious will go in with a definitive edge, at least over the other guy they beat this week. And let's face it, in an environment like the Elimination Chamber, you're going to need any advantage you can get! That is why I am dead-set on defeating you this week, Kurt Noble, because this may very well be my one and last shot at the APW Undisputed Championship for a good, long time. The Elimination Chamber could very well be do-or-die for me, and I'll take any advantage that I can to ensure that I leave Tokyo as the new APW Undisputed Champion.”
“But as for this weeks, first off, to the fans, I want to say shame on each and every one of you who suggested and voted for this match! All of you are putting Amy Noble and myself though undue emotional suffering just for your entertainment! Shame on you, I say, shame on you!”
“Ellie, I don't want to fight you, in fact, I wish there was some way that we could reconcile. But I've got to be a realist about this, I messed up, I own up to the fact that I made a ton of mistakes in our relationship, and a strong relationship is not built on good intentions. I'm sorry that things ended up the way that they did, and if I could fix them, I would. But we're probably beyond that. In any event, I forgive you, and look forward to seeing you tomorrow night, if only to get to gaze upon your beauty one last time in my life.”
“Amy Noble, you are a strong, brave woman whom I admire greatly. Even though I would rather not have you involved in the match tomorrow night, I just want to let you know it's an honor to team with a woman of such character. I truly am rooting for you.”
“And Kurt Coward, I implore you, tomorrow night, let's just keep things between the two of us. There's no need for either one of us to tag in the women, this is not their fight. I know that despite your selfishness, you still have feelings for Amy. I promise you, man to man, that I will do everything I can to keep her safe while she is my responsibility. You know that I'm not a good man, Kurt, but I am an honest man, and the my word is as good as gold. I promise you, I won't let any ill befall her.”
“But you, Kurt Coward, well, I will let ill befall you because I've got nothing but ill will towards you! Tomorrow night, it's the Jilters, you and Ellie, versus the Jiltees, me and Amy, and this time, I am on the side of angels. I am in the right, because I'm not fighting for myself, I'm fighting for Amy. So Kurt, tomorrow night, be prepared to find out once again why I am quite simply OUT OF THIS WORLD!”
Biggs spills a bit of his hot chocolate as he says his catchphrase, and FIRST CONTACT fades to black as he and Stan both grab napkins and try to clean it up. The APW logo and copyright appear in the bottom corner.
