Feedback On My First RP?

[shanell]

Hey could anyone be kind enough to leave me some feedback on my first RP? Its posted in Meltdown promos. Thanks for all that do, and I'll leave feedback in return.

apwprez.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=meltdownrp&action=display&thread=12051

Thats the link for my RP. If anyone has any feedback on my character, or the RP, please share it and I'll post feedback on anyone who wants feedback in return!

[Jason Cashe]

Post a link with the request for Read N' Feed. It's "required" but because you're a girl maybe they won't care.

[shanell]

Okay, I just edited in my link for my RP.

[Pat Stay]

Well your not supposed to bring up WWE superstars or anything WWE related, cause they don't exist on here.

[shanell]

Yeah, another member sent me a private message to let me know that. I apologize. I had no idea. It won't happen again.

[Jason Cashe]

It's really not that big of a deal. I'll name drop in my next rp if it makes you feel better about it.

[T-Marv]

Feedback coming as I read.....

[T-Marv]

You are very descriptive, and that’s a good thing, but can get a bit wordy. Try to keep the same level of description but with clearer, more concise wording.

Example: “She comes across a bench on the side of the road, its a bench people sit on to wait for the transit bus. She takes a seat.” Can be shortened to “She takes a seat on a bus stop bench” or something similar. Gets the same point across but is easier to read.

I love how you fit your story into your shoot without having to do a full Character Development type of roleplay. However, I will warn that this seems to be a trash talk heavy fed and you may need to add a bit more of that. I understand that for your first RP, it’s hard cause you’re not used to how anybody posts or anything.

I find it very nice how you tie everything you say to your background and character. I got a real feel for your character as a “come from nothing with a chip on your shoulder just trying to make it in this world” type. So very Nice Job on that.

Everything else will come with experience here. Read a few rps of some other people to get a feel for how “trash talk” heavy they are. I’m not saying you have to mimic that, but It will give you an idea of what you’ll be up against in the future.

Otherwise, keep up the good work.

[shanell]

Thanks T-Marv. As promised, if you need feedback on any RP of yours, if you link me I'd be glad to read it.

I hope I get some more feedback too!

[SalTal]

The worst thing about starting in a fed is that first post. I know that I never, ever knew what the heck I was doing. What to write about? What to say about my past? Do I name-drop any of the champions here? Do I talk about my past belts? Has anyone read my bio to know if I'm heel or face (I did!)?

- Description Very good. Clear-cut and to the point. See Marvin's point about length, but for the most part it's pretty good. You will naturally cut down on it though as you have more to say about APW/opponents/recent matches/storylines. I found that. When you're worried about a limit and you're trash talk and match-specifc stuff needs to stay to get you the win, you throw out the description which sounds good but is largely unnecessary.

- Integrating your match. Not everyone does this well, even when they've been around for a while. The ease with which you go from talking about character-specific stuff to the match is commendable. It allows you to give more meaning, a sense of gravitas, to the promo. It relates to the bio, it fleshes out the background and the psyche of the character, and it relates to the match. When you've got nothing going by ways of storylines (as new people always find themselves) this is the best thing to do. You can theme your promos around these ideas which is pretty much what you did here. The struggle in your life and how that's the same as a match. The lessons that Shanell has learned in her life and how that will get her the win. You're doing this well and, with more practice, you'll be doing great.

- Real wrestlers have been covered. You'll not do this in the future not because you've bene told but because you'll realise that there are wrestlers here that are better to talk about that the WWE guys anyway! There's veterans here, newbies here, champions and entertainers too! And they're all better in APW!

- Trash talk. This place is all about it. Even when you're not writing trash talk ... you are. This advice is for the future, not for the promo you put up: Research. Go and read what your opponent wrote last week. For their first promo ever. What they have on their bio. What their last opponent said about them. How their match unfolded last time. What they said in a segment last week. It will give you so much more to talk about. Not to say "Oh, I saw your promo last week and ..." but, instead, to (in a way) predict what they're going to say so that you can focus your trash talk. If you do enough research you'll be able to pick up about the general ideas your opponent talks about and you can tailor your own ideas to be a natural opposite. And then, all you have to do is keep that in mind because invariably you will face the person again and you will be ready to go.

- Introducing Shanell. The first paragraph is all 'a woman' and 'the woman'. And then ... there's no real introduction of Shanell herself. Though it's safe to say that we'll know who the woman is from now on, there's probably something to take out of it: Take some extra time/words to really set up the promo. It doesn't have to be half the limit or 5 paragraphs. I mean, just an extra bit of sentence here and there. Marvin said you're very good with the description and you are. I had a good image in my head after that introduction, but some extra narrative voice (your voice) in the white parts to really get across what you're saying goes a long way.

- A few little typos here and there. Nothing that more practice won't fix though, as well as running it through a grammar check on Word.

The most important thing:

- Word limit. You have 3000 words to play with and you are a tick under half way. I'll tell you something now that everyone coming into APW should know: To be seriously contended for the top spots, you've got to be maxing out those promos. The people here are really good. On OverDrive and Asylum the champions and contenders ... they don't blink an eye at having to write 2000, 3000, 4000 promos. If you're writing sub-2000 then there will likely be a mid-level title shot for you somewhere down the line at best. It wasn't long ago that APW's OverDrive had no limits and these two lunatics were writing 10,000 word promos for the world title. So you've got to be adept at sustaining 2000-4000 word promos (considering those are the two limits for the shows). Take this time on Meltdown to really work on that. Ways to get yourself into the rhythm of that:

- Have 'segments' to your promos where your character talks and talks, then goes somewhere else and talks and talks;
- Write as much as you can, then leave the promo for a day or two, then come back and write some more;
- Write from 'beyond the character'. This could be injecting your own ideas as a narrator's voice in the white text or introducing some secondary characters to provoke Shanell into saying more things.
- Write as much as you can and then wait a few days to see if your opponent posts and if there's anything that you might have missed.

Again, this won't be too much of an issue as you rp here more and more. You'll have past matches, past ppvs, past title shots and win to talk about that you'll be loathing the limit eventually. But while you're here on Meltdown you can get into the mindset of prolonged and sustained promos.

[Jason Cashe]

Possibly the best piece of feedback I've seen in a LONG time. (I still love you too Noble)

[Streets Wilson]

Sept 21, 2012 0:37:21 GMT -4 shanell said:

Yeah, another member sent me a private message to let me know that. I apologize. I had no idea. It won't happen again.

yeah, I let that type of thing slip in their sometimes too by accident, but its always very vague. I'm also sort of new, coming back after a while away from the game. Probably subconsciously it gets in there because I'll be watching a PPV, or old matches of WWE or something.

[Anthony Bailey]

Sept 24, 2012 1:25:57 GMT -4 SalTal said:

The worst thing about starting in a fed is that first post. I know that I never, ever knew what the heck I was doing. What to write about? What to say about my past? Do I name-drop any of the champions here? Do I talk about my past belts? Has anyone read my bio to know if I'm heel or face (I did!)?

- Description Very good. Clear-cut and to the point. See Marvin's point about length, but for the most part it's pretty good. You will naturally cut down on it though as you have more to say about APW/opponents/recent matches/storylines. I found that. When you're worried about a limit and you're trash talk and match-specifc stuff needs to stay to get you the win, you throw out the description which sounds good but is largely unnecessary.

- Integrating your match. Not everyone does this well, even when they've been around for a while. The ease with which you go from talking about character-specific stuff to the match is commendable. It allows you to give more meaning, a sense of gravitas, to the promo. It relates to the bio, it fleshes out the background and the psyche of the character, and it relates to the match. When you've got nothing going by ways of storylines (as new people always find themselves) this is the best thing to do. You can theme your promos around these ideas which is pretty much what you did here. The struggle in your life and how that's the same as a match. The lessons that Shanell has learned in her life and how that will get her the win. You're doing this well and, with more practice, you'll be doing great.

- Real wrestlers have been covered. You'll not do this in the future not because you've bene told but because you'll realise that there are wrestlers here that are better to talk about that the WWE guys anyway! There's veterans here, newbies here, champions and entertainers too! And they're all better in APW!

- Trash talk. This place is all about it. Even when you're not writing trash talk ... you are. This advice is for the future, not for the promo you put up: Research. Go and read what your opponent wrote last week. For their first promo ever. What they have on their bio. What their last opponent said about them. How their match unfolded last time. What they said in a segment last week. It will give you so much more to talk about. Not to say "Oh, I saw your promo last week and ..." but, instead, to (in a way) predict what they're going to say so that you can focus your trash talk. If you do enough research you'll be able to pick up about the general ideas your opponent talks about and you can tailor your own ideas to be a natural opposite. And then, all you have to do is keep that in mind because invariably you will face the person again and you will be ready to go.

- Introducing Shanell. The first paragraph is all 'a woman' and 'the woman'. And then ... there's no real introduction of Shanell herself. Though it's safe to say that we'll know who the woman is from now on, there's probably something to take out of it: Take some extra time/words to really set up the promo. It doesn't have to be half the limit or 5 paragraphs. I mean, just an extra bit of sentence here and there. Marvin said you're very good with the description and you are. I had a good image in my head after that introduction, but some extra narrative voice (your voice) in the white parts to really get across what you're saying goes a long way.

- A few little typos here and there. Nothing that more practice won't fix though, as well as running it through a grammar check on Word.

The most important thing:

- Word limit. You have 3000 words to play with and you are a tick under half way. I'll tell you something now that everyone coming into APW should know: To be seriously contended for the top spots, you've got to be maxing out those promos. The people here are really good. On OverDrive and Asylum the champions and contenders ... they don't blink an eye at having to write 2000, 3000, 4000 promos. If you're writing sub-2000 then there will likely be a mid-level title shot for you somewhere down the line at best. It wasn't long ago that APW's OverDrive had no limits and these two lunatics were writing 10,000 word promos for the world title. So you've got to be adept at sustaining 2000-4000 word promos (considering those are the two limits for the shows). Take this time on Meltdown to really work on that. Ways to get yourself into the rhythm of that:

- Have 'segments' to your promos where your character talks and talks, then goes somewhere else and talks and talks;
- Write as much as you can, then leave the promo for a day or two, then come back and write some more;
- Write from 'beyond the character'. This could be injecting your own ideas as a narrator's voice in the white text or introducing some secondary characters to provoke Shanell into saying more things.
- Write as much as you can and then wait a few days to see if your opponent posts and if there's anything that you might have missed.

Again, this won't be too much of an issue as you rp here more and more. You'll have past matches, past ppvs, past title shots and win to talk about that you'll be loathing the limit eventually. But while you're here on Meltdown you can get into the mindset of prolonged and sustained promos.

If this feedback is taken seriously and applied by the new people (Not just Shanell) or the vets looking for that extra spark, we'll have even an even more serious level of competition around here. The thought is exciting and frightening at the same time lol.

[Anthony Bailey]

Oh and Kash, how do you feel about having another Cash Money/Young Money pic base around here? lol.

[Jason Cashe]

Is Shanell's base from that label? I wouldn't know, I don't much listen to that mainstream crap. However I am sad now so thanks for ruining that for me Bailey. RUDE. haha

[Anthony Bailey]

Sept 24, 2012 13:05:48 GMT -4 Jason Cashe said:

Is Shanell's base from that label? I wouldn't know, I don't much listen to that mainstream crap. However I am sad now so thanks for ruining that for me Bailey. RUDE. haha

Yeah and the name of the base is actually Shanell too (Shanell, you might want to rethink the character name for the sake of originality. Just a heads up). She doesn't have much of her own material out though. She's more of a songwriter for a few of the other artists on the label.

[Streets Wilson]

they don't even write their own songs?

[Anthony Bailey]

Sept 24, 2012 13:29:46 GMT -4 Streets Wilson said:

they don't even write their own songs?

Not all of them.

[Jason Cashe]

Most of them don't but claim to do. I've seen Drake do a supposed Freestyle and have his cell phone on looking at it as he flowed. I hate that entire label. Wayne use to flow back in the day, was really good but I dunno what happened. Now their high in the sky, airplane. See how stupid those lazy ass metaphors are? Makes me sick.

[Anthony Bailey]

Sept 24, 2012 13:37:01 GMT -4 Jason Cashe said:

Most of them don't but claim to do. I've seen Drake do a supposed Freestyle and have his cell phone on looking at it as he flowed. I hate that entire label. Wayne use to flow back in the day, was really good but I dunno what happened. Now their high in the sky, airplane. See how stupid those lazy ass metaphors are? Makes me sick.

I agree. Fame and fortune make people lazy and stop trying after awhile.

[Streets Wilson]

wow... I don't listen to the radio whatsoever and I don't even know who any of these people are but... I have to agree with Kash here because every single time I hear something from any of these newer artists, its very disappointing. The music is so derivative and boring that just imagining someone actually enjoying it and bobbing their head to it or something actually makes me laugh out loud. I understand its mostly little white children that are buying it but seriously... its bad. Not only that, but I've been reading about how its now a known fact that record company's buy up their own albums to make them go platinum to create the illusion that their actually successful. The sad attention starved, money grubbing weirdo's...

[shanell]

Sept 24, 2012 1:25:57 GMT -4 SalTal said:

The worst thing about starting in a fed is that first post. I know that I never, ever knew what the heck I was doing. What to write about? What to say about my past? Do I name-drop any of the champions here? Do I talk about my past belts? Has anyone read my bio to know if I'm heel or face (I did!)?

- Description Very good. Clear-cut and to the point. See Marvin's point about length, but for the most part it's pretty good. You will naturally cut down on it though as you have more to say about APW/opponents/recent matches/storylines. I found that. When you're worried about a limit and you're trash talk and match-specifc stuff needs to stay to get you the win, you throw out the description which sounds good but is largely unnecessary.

- Integrating your match. Not everyone does this well, even when they've been around for a while. The ease with which you go from talking about character-specific stuff to the match is commendable. It allows you to give more meaning, a sense of gravitas, to the promo. It relates to the bio, it fleshes out the background and the psyche of the character, and it relates to the match. When you've got nothing going by ways of storylines (as new people always find themselves) this is the best thing to do. You can theme your promos around these ideas which is pretty much what you did here. The struggle in your life and how that's the same as a match. The lessons that Shanell has learned in her life and how that will get her the win. You're doing this well and, with more practice, you'll be doing great.

- Real wrestlers have been covered. You'll not do this in the future not because you've bene told but because you'll realise that there are wrestlers here that are better to talk about that the WWE guys anyway! There's veterans here, newbies here, champions and entertainers too! And they're all better in APW!

- Trash talk. This place is all about it. Even when you're not writing trash talk ... you are. This advice is for the future, not for the promo you put up: Research. Go and read what your opponent wrote last week. For their first promo ever. What they have on their bio. What their last opponent said about them. How their match unfolded last time. What they said in a segment last week. It will give you so much more to talk about. Not to say "Oh, I saw your promo last week and ..." but, instead, to (in a way) predict what they're going to say so that you can focus your trash talk. If you do enough research you'll be able to pick up about the general ideas your opponent talks about and you can tailor your own ideas to be a natural opposite. And then, all you have to do is keep that in mind because invariably you will face the person again and you will be ready to go.

- Introducing Shanell. The first paragraph is all 'a woman' and 'the woman'. And then ... there's no real introduction of Shanell herself. Though it's safe to say that we'll know who the woman is from now on, there's probably something to take out of it: Take some extra time/words to really set up the promo. It doesn't have to be half the limit or 5 paragraphs. I mean, just an extra bit of sentence here and there. Marvin said you're very good with the description and you are. I had a good image in my head after that introduction, but some extra narrative voice (your voice) in the white parts to really get across what you're saying goes a long way.

- A few little typos here and there. Nothing that more practice won't fix though, as well as running it through a grammar check on Word.

The most important thing:

- Word limit. You have 3000 words to play with and you are a tick under half way. I'll tell you something now that everyone coming into APW should know: To be seriously contended for the top spots, you've got to be maxing out those promos. The people here are really good. On OverDrive and Asylum the champions and contenders ... they don't blink an eye at having to write 2000, 3000, 4000 promos. If you're writing sub-2000 then there will likely be a mid-level title shot for you somewhere down the line at best. It wasn't long ago that APW's OverDrive had no limits and these two lunatics were writing 10,000 word promos for the world title. So you've got to be adept at sustaining 2000-4000 word promos (considering those are the two limits for the shows). Take this time on Meltdown to really work on that. Ways to get yourself into the rhythm of that:

- Have 'segments' to your promos where your character talks and talks, then goes somewhere else and talks and talks;
- Write as much as you can, then leave the promo for a day or two, then come back and write some more;
- Write from 'beyond the character'. This could be injecting your own ideas as a narrator's voice in the white text or introducing some secondary characters to provoke Shanell into saying more things.
- Write as much as you can and then wait a few days to see if your opponent posts and if there's anything that you might have missed.

Again, this won't be too much of an issue as you rp here more and more. You'll have past matches, past ppvs, past title shots and win to talk about that you'll be loathing the limit eventually. But while you're here on Meltdown you can get into the mindset of prolonged and sustained promos.

Thanks for the very detailed feedback! I'll definitely use it on my next RP. I researched Mr.Dangerous and the New Black James Noir, but, to what I saw New Black hasn't had a match either and Mr.Dangerous never wins? I thought I had an advantage when New Black didn't even mention me when he put his RP up, but now I see I made more mistakes than I thought also.

I'll definitely be improving, and I appreciate everyone who left feedback.

And for the people calling new music crap, alot of it is. But Shanell isn't lol. She is a songwriter too for not just Young Money artists, but for other artists too. And she can sing. And, I used her first name only for my character, didn't use her last name lol.

Thanks again to everyone for the feedback though!

[Your JESUS]

So Shanell writes for Bailey, interesting???

[The Soul Of Philly]

I'll give feedback as soon as I get back from my doctors, I read ur debut over the weekend and forgot to leave feedback here, so I'll go over it again and then I'll give you some, but I should tell you that APW is a fed that likes trash talk in it's RPs more than Character development, but we don't discourage CD. When I rp i try to do 80/20 trash talk/CD, sometimes i'll go 75/25

Like I said, feedback in a bit

[Anthony Bailey]

Sept 24, 2012 16:55:01 GMT -4 Your JESUS said:

So Shanell writes for Bailey, interesting???

The secret is now out lol

[The Soul Of Philly]

Damn Sally pretty much summed up what I was going to tell you what you could improve on, so I'll take it a different way as what I liked or disliked.

- I like the backstory in the very first paragraph, you set the idea that Shanell is someone who grew up from absolutely nothing. I would have divulged more into the childhood, you touch on it later that Shanell was different, but at least imo, describing how you were different at each point in your life would have been good. There are different kinds of different as a kid than as a teenager.

- I don't like that you acknowledge that you don't like to make fun of people, especially in a game/business that mocking, taunting, jesting in a huge part of. I get that due to her life she doesn't enjoy it and maybe you'll develop her into being "bully" to her opponents, but right now that's not a good thing to bring attention too.

- Back to her life story and I like it, I feel every person should have something that sticks out that fuels them to do what they want to do, like TJ, he's is the memory of his brother and how wrestling filled a void left by a fatherless childhood fuels him, and I like yours.

- I understand the real wrestling qualms, but from where I sit, I'm fine with them because you're saying that you looked up to there people. What I hate is when people say they faced these people or even said they beat them because you can't prove it. You get a feeling from the names you listed as to why you are getting into the game and what you are trying to do.

- More story. I like you throwing a bit of story to break up the trash talk and to set up the next trash talk. You explained where you were, I would have liked you to explain more what you did as a teenager and then explain what and where you worked when you had to help your mom and family from getting evicted and what her reaction to something like that, giving up your dream to help her out, it helps us relate to your character more.

- You're opponent didn't mention you in his rp? Good, go off on his ass, don't tell him you respect him, he didn't mention you in his promo, showing you no respect and you still respect him? I get that, as a face, you're meant to respect everyone you face, but I hardly RP like that, why? Because if you don't show me respect, I'm not going to show you respect, that's my character's philosphy. I hate smiling, "I respect you even though you're a bad guy and don't respect me because you do the same thing as me", "I also like every other face on a show" faces.

- I do like what you DO say to James, furthers your "This is all I got and I'm going to make the most of it." gimmick, at least, that's what I'm calling it from what I've read. I like the final lines of "This is my life. And if you want my life, you better be ready to work for it because I will not hand it over", it was along those lines, not exactly that verbatim.

- I enjoy the final line, it brings it all full circle that this simply an opportunity and one you've been working your ass of for.

I will second what Sally said about the length and how if you don't sniff the max, you're not going reach your full potential here. We want you to sniff the max, not Knuckles' bedsheets, and reach your full potential.

[shanell]

Sept 24, 2012 20:08:28 GMT -4 The Soul Of Philly said:

Damn Sally pretty much summed up what I was going to tell you what you could improve on, so I'll take it a different way as what I liked or disliked.

- I like the backstory in the very first paragraph, you set the idea that Shanell is someone who grew up from absolutely nothing. I would have divulged more into the childhood, you touch on it later that Shanell was different, but at least imo, describing how you were different at each point in your life would have been good. There are different kinds of different as a kid than as a teenager.

- I don't like that you acknowledge that you don't like to make fun of people, especially in a game/business that mocking, taunting, jesting in a huge part of. I get that due to her life she doesn't enjoy it and maybe you'll develop her into being "bully" to her opponents, but right now that's not a good thing to bring attention too.

- Back to her life story and I like it, I feel every person should have something that sticks out that fuels them to do what they want to do, like TJ, he's is the memory of his brother and how wrestling filled a void left by a fatherless childhood fuels him, and I like yours.

- I understand the real wrestling qualms, but from where I sit, I'm fine with them because you're saying that you looked up to there people. What I hate is when people say they faced these people or even said they beat them because you can't prove it. You get a feeling from the names you listed as to why you are getting into the game and what you are trying to do.

- More story. I like you throwing a bit of story to break up the trash talk and to set up the next trash talk. You explained where you were, I would have liked you to explain more what you did as a teenager and then explain what and where you worked when you had to help your mom and family from getting evicted and what her reaction to something like that, giving up your dream to help her out, it helps us relate to your character more.

- You're opponent didn't mention you in his rp? Good, go off on his ass, don't tell him you respect him, he didn't mention you in his promo, showing you no respect and you still respect him? I get that, as a face, you're meant to respect everyone you face, but I hardly RP like that, why? Because if you don't show me respect, I'm not going to show you respect, that's my character's philosphy. I hate smiling, "I respect you even though you're a bad guy and don't respect me because you do the same thing as me", "I also like every other face on a show" faces.

- I do like what you DO say to James, furthers your "This is all I got and I'm going to make the most of it." gimmick, at least, that's what I'm calling it from what I've read. I like the final lines of "This is my life. And if you want my life, you better be ready to work for it because I will not hand it over", it was along those lines, not exactly that verbatim.

- I enjoy the final line, it brings it all full circle that this simply an opportunity and one you've been working your ass of for.

I will second what Sally said about the length and how if you don't sniff the max, you're not going reach your full potential here. We want you to sniff the max, not Knuckles' bedsheets, and reach your full potential.

Thanks so much for the detailed feedback. I'm gonna get in the swing of things for my next RP. I didn't know if I was allowed to say that he didn't mention me in my RP. I thought maybe people would say how did Shanell know what James said, she wasn't there. But now that I know I can dispute whats said, I'll do better.

Everyone's feedback has been very helpful and I appreciate it. If anyone needs or wants me to leave feedback on anything, link me and I'll do it.

[Jason Cashe]

Also for the sake of repeating something someone else said. If your picture base is Shanell then maybe you're Character name should be something else. If only so originality can be had. If not it's cool too, Stefan Raab is a real character.

[The Soul Of Philly]

Yea I know a fedder who all of his characters share the same first name as the poser and along the same gimmick one is an former musician with a singer for the base

[Jason Cashe]

TJ you have so many trends you follow that I think you're Envi until I see the username. You've got Gangnam Style AND Full House going. You trying to be that fat kid who repeats a joke to get the same reaction but doesn't and feels left out? Haha. I can't wait till we can rp against each other. I just think it was be beautiful music.