My Humble Abode

[tuhoa]

It's been a long time since I've been in the spotlight like this. Countless times, I've laid in bed late at night, thinking of a way to make it back onto the mainstream scene. And now, the time has finally come. The opportunity arose, and I couldn't pass it up. This time? This time, I do things MY WAY!

It's genius! Plain and simple, it's absolutely genius! I come to APW, make the loudest noise that they've ever heard, and they'll have no choice but to accept me into the fold. That sounds like my original plan, a plan that was executed to perfection, but shattered to pieces a short time later. But truth be told, I've learned a lot from my past mistakes. Mistakes that I will never make again!

But how do I do it? Where do I go from here? How do I ensure that this plan won't go spiraling downward, just like last time? Last time? Yeah, we all know how that ended. But everyone deserves a second chance, right?

...How about a third?

-- My Humble Abode --

It could be real easy for me to go on and on, about the genius that is the Finnish Phenom. Multiple plans to commence destruction, countless bodies slain as I continue my path, millions of people left in awe by my in-ring work. But it’s just not enough. Well, for me it isn’t. As I stood in front of APW Headquarters, I couldn’t help but think about how far I had come. A few days ago, I was still standing in Helsinki, wondering if this was ever going to happen. Now, I stand right smack-dab in front of my new future. New, old, past, present, it’s all the same to me. The fact stands that APW is the only place in the wrestling business, that even remotely constitutes any man or woman as a professional wrestler. Me? I’ve been in this business for a long time. I’ve seen them come, I’ve seen them go. Seeing another “flash in the pan” really isn’t anything new to me. Hell, I’ve been one! But this time around, I don’t plan on putting myself into any kind of compromising positions.

Unknown
Can I help you?

Startled while deep in thought, I couldn’t help but jump back, raising my fist in the air. I slowly lowered my fist, noticing that I had almost punched Shane West right in the face.

Shane West
Wait a minute, you’re that new Finnish wrestler, aren’t you?

Finnish wrestler? What exactly does he mean by that? Maybe I should have knocked him out, after all.

The Finnish Phenom
You’re going to have to be more specific, Mr. West. Believe it or not, professional wrestling is loved all around the world! I’m not the only wrestler to ever come out of Finland, you know?

Shane West
My apologies. You’re Tuhoa Valo, aren’t you? The Finnish Phenom?

The Finnish Phenom
So you DO know me by name? Gosh, glad to hear that I’m not coming over here as a no-name! I’d hate to have to start all over again!

Shane West
Actually, Mr. Valo… Not a lot of our fans know who you are. North American professional wrestling is fairly different than it is over the ocean. It’s more theatrical here, more “entertainment” than anything else.

Shane sized me up, looking at me from head to toe.

Shane West
But seeing as how you wore your face paint to APW Headquarters, I’d say that you’re going to fit right in. Why… Why did you wear your face paint, if you don’t mind me asking?

The Finnish Phenom
Security reasons. I don’t want anyone knowing what I really look like. Where I’m from, your privacy is valued above all else. I’ve heard how crazed American fans can be, Canadian and Mexican fans as well. I don’t want to risk it, in the chance that a fan might catch a glimpse of what I really look like. Besides, not too many people want to talk to you on the street, when your face is painted like this. And believe me Shane West, I’m better off that way. I’m a loner, I don’t like to be bothered.

Shane West
I never thought of it like that. Seems like a valid excuse to me. But for a guy who’s never been to America, you seem to know an awful lot about our customs, and our people.

The Finnish Phenom
I never said that I had never been to America, Shane West! That’s what you get for assuming, it makes you look like an ass hole.

Shane West
Actually, the expression is “That’s what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me”.

This little man is obviously too full of himself. I knew what the expression was already, he didn’t have to tell me. Nevertheless, I stand by what I said. Shane West, is an asshole.

The Finnish Phenom
Is that what the expression is? Thank you, Shane West. I don’t know what I would do without a tiny little man, to help me continue to better my English.

After exchanging a few fake smiles, Shane and I found ourselves at an impasse. An awkward silence that soon had to be broken, in one way or another.

Shane West
So what do you say, Tuhoa? Want to come up to my office for a sit down interview? I pride myself on having all the juicy stories. It’s what keeps me as APW’s top journalist.

What an insult to REAL journalists around the world! But as I must, I’ll carry on…

The Finnish Phenom
Why not? I don’t have anything better to do today.

Shane seemed excited to get started. Maybe the highlight of his day before now, was going to be getting the corporate “big wigs” their coffee? As we walked up the stairs and to the main door of APW Headquarters, I could see President Jeff making his way out of the building. I turned away quickly, as to not make eye contact with my new boss. Too many questions too soon, and he might not like me enough to place me on Overdrive. As he passed through the doors, I could tell that he hadn’t caught a glimpse of who I was. Up until this point, we had only spoken on the phone, never met in person. So thankfully, this time, I dodged the bullet that was President Jeff. I couldn’t help but stare at him, as he walked out of the building and to the parking lot. But for some reason, my face could only show signs of anger while looking at him. Shane West noticed this, too. Why? I couldn’t begin to tell you. Maybe it’s because of how much recognition he’s gotten, how much fame he possesses. Maybe it’s the fact that he got out of the business in one piece, still able to run his own promotion. Or maybe, just maybe, it’s more than that…

Shane West
Don’t you know who that is?

The Finnish Phenom
My new boss, I’m not a complete retard.

Shane West
Then why the smug look, Valo?

The Finnish Phenom
No reason. He just… Didn’t say hello, that’s all.

Shane West
Don’t worry about it, Valo. He’s a very busy man, he didn’t mean anything by it. I’m sure that the two of you will cross paths again real soon. And I bet then, he gives you a very warm welcome to APW. I mean after all, a developmental deal can only last so long. You’re going to have to take to him about Overdrive or Asylum sooner than later. Anyhow, welcome to my humble abode, APW Headquarters!

Who does this little twerp think he is? Doesn’t he mean MY humble abode? He’s just an assistant at best, how in the world could he think that he even comes close to owning Action Packed Wrestling? Besides, soon enough… APW will solely be known as the home of The Finnish Phenom!

-- I AM a God --

What can I say? This little inbred is fairly entertaining. Thinking he runs the place, thinking he’s some kind of big shot, it’s all pretty laughable. Thus, it’s time to conduct this interview myself. Knowing that he’ll flop without my assistance, I’ll ask the questions, and I’ll be the one answering them as well.

Shane West
So I figure that we’ll start with the basic questions. You know? Like who you are, where you’re fr…

The Finnish Phenom
Listen, Shane. We both know how this goes. I’ve seen it time and time again, and I’m not going to let it happen to me. In my eyes, I’m too valuable.

I could tell by the expression on his face, that he was as clueless as a deer caught in headlights. Maybe I should enlighten him.

The Finnish Phenom
I’ve seen countless wrestlers start their careers with simple interviews. Most of them don’t make it past mid-card status. However, me? I know in my heart and in my mind, that I’m a main event player. You can look at me, and I know that you see it too. So what we’re going to do here, is I’m going to talk, you’re going to listen, and then you’re just going to write an article about me. Fair enough?

Shane obviously knew that he wasn’t going to get the interview that he wanted. Disappointed as he may be, he still had no choice but to agree with my stipulations.

The Finnish Phenom
Where I come from, they worship me like a God. As a matter of fact, where I come from, I AM a God. It’s hard for me to go anywhere, without someone kissing my ass. Thus, I decided that it won’t be like that for me, here in North America. I am what you guys say… “Kind of a big deal”. Not just for my wrestling acumen, but for my role as a leader. I’m praised, I’m worshiped, and I have everything that any man could ever want. Now you tell me that coming to North America, that it all changes? That’s fine with me. But I refuse to one day walk down the street, being gawked at and followed. If I want to use a public restroom in North America, I’ll be able to do it with privacy.

Shane West
I highly advise against that, Valo.

The Finnish Phenom
Noted, and the name is Tuhoa Valo! Don’t your dare forget it. I’m no high school jock, Shane West. You either call me by my full name, or you don’t call me at all. Understand?

Shane West
Noted, as well.

The Finnish Phenom
I come from a broken family, and have busted my ass for everything I’ve earned in life. I was forced to be strong at a very young age, so nothing really gets to me, or keeps me down for long. How do you think I’ve made it back to where I am now?

Shane West
Back? You talk as though you’ve been here before?

The Finnish Phenom
Don’t put words in my mouth. APW isn’t the only wrestling promotion in the world, that’s worth a damn. Tuhoa Valo has had his fair share of mainstream exposure. If you were any kind of wrestling fan at all, you’d know that North American fans are very familiar with my work. I’m assuming that this job is just a paycheck to you, nothing more than that. You seem to show no passion for this business. But me? This business is all that I live for! This business is what gets me out of bed in the morning, it’s what makes my life worth living. With that being said, I understand that I’ll be competing this Monday night in Illinois, where I’ll be showcasing my talents to the APW fan base. I also understand that I won’t be the only newcomer to compete in this match. As a matter of fact, I’ll have two opponents to go through. This is all fine with me, and I welcome the triple threat challenge. Being that it’s every man for himself, I’ll have no problem beating the hell out of two men, instead of one. All it’s going to do, is give me that much more of a push.

Shane West
No worries, then?

The Finnish Phenom
Rather than letting you conduct an interview, Shane West… I feel as though I should let my in-ring work do all of my talking for me. What’s the fun in letting my opponents know all about me, beforehand? The less they know about Tuhoa Valo, the more mystery that surrounds the Finnish Phenom, the easier it’s going to be for me to take them out on Monday Night. I’m more than just a fighter, more than just a wrestler, Mr. West. I’m a highly intelligent man, a man that knows exactly how to get whatever it is that he wants. And right now, I want a win on Monday Night. A win in my first outing, ensures that everyone surrounding Action Packed Wrestling, will take notice of my skill. They’ll understand my mainstay aspirations, and realize that compared to Tuhoa Valo, no other Meltdown Megastar will ever compare, past or present. Now believe me, I’ve already began my research. As far as I’m concerned, my homework is nearly finished. I’m stepping into the ring with two men, who really shouldn’t even be called men in the first place. One has already flopped in APW before, and the other comes recommended by Young Mannie. Young Mannie, the same guy that is the brunt of a whole fist full of jokes in the APW locker room. A guy who has someone else tie his wrestling boots for him, because if he did it by himself, he tie them together, and never even make it down the ramp.

Shane West
You’ve never even been in an APW ring, Tuhoa! What makes you think that Young Mannie wouldn’t rip you apart?

The Finnish Phenom
I’m going to assume that you are the victim of some irritating hearing disorder. Either that, or you’re just a complete idiot. Like I said, I’ve been doing my homework. I know more about each and every wrestler on the APW roster, than you probably do, Mr. West. As a matter of fact, if the two of us were to take an APW aptitude test, I’d probably score much higher than you, and could probably do that just by guessing. But back on subject, one is a previous flop, looking to recapture what little flame he once had in APW. The other is recommended by an every day APW jobber, easily made light work of. Now, I’m not a cocky man. I’ll give credit where credit is due. If these two men just so happen to wake up alive on Monday morning, they both indeed stand a chance in winning this match. Be it a slight chance of winning, but they stand a chance nonetheless. But the fact remains that not only on paper, but in all actuality, the Finnish Phenom is the odds on favorite to walk out Monday Night, not only under his own power, but also with the victory. Not withstanding a catastrophic breakdown on my behalf, I WILL be walking out the victor. I leave with the win, Razor fails miserably once again, and the guy with two of the same names? Well, he gets a chance to stand in line right behind his best buddy Young Mannie, in the jobbers division.

Shane West
Don’t get too cocky, Phenom.

The Finnish Phenom
Shane… There’s a big difference between cockiness, and confidence. Obviously something that your father never took the time to teach you. But don’t worry, I never had a father. I had to learn that lesson on my own, a lesson that I will gladly teach you now. Confidence means that you’re walking into a bleak situation, knowing that you’re going to give it your all. Walking into a situation against all odds, knowing that you can overcome the obstacle. Cockiness means that you’re walking into a situation with minimal skill, much like my opponents, but expecting things to go exactly as you see them in your dreams. But while this might just be a dream to my opponents, it will soon be my reality. I know that I am twice as skilled as either of my foes, which leads me to believe that not only will I be victorious, but I will leave an everlasting impression on all of Action Packed Wrestling. My time to shine in APW, has only just begun. Soon, after I’m picked up by either Overdrive or Asylum, that’s when the real fun will begin. Because like you said to me outside, Mr. West… They can only contain me on Meltdown for so long. Eventually, someone’s going to want me on their show. And when that day comes, just like I will on Meltdown, I’m going to own their show! I am a former World Champion, a man that commands respect! And soon enough, believe me, I’ll have it!

Shane West
With that in mind, and with all due respect, World Championships from other promotions don’t matter when you come into Action Packed Wrestling.

I couldn’t help but grin. Shane West thinks that he has everything figured out, doesn’t he?

The Finnish Phenom
Be that as it may. But like I said, I’m a former World Heavyweight Champion, and I command respect. Something that soon enough, I’ll have… From all of APW. Tuhoa on puhunut, Shane… Tuhoa on puhunut!

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