chaos lite
Midcarder
you'll never know what hit you.
Posts: 360
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Post by chaos lite on Oct 14, 2012 21:09:30 GMT -4
I usually don't like to ask for much feedback, but I was a little iffy about this RP because it's a style I'm completely unfamiliar with. I don't usually write things in first-person, or in past-tense so I wasn't sure how things came off. I appreciate feedback from anybody and everybody, no matter how detailed or non-detailed it is. Thanks in advance for your help! apwprez.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=meltdownrp&action=display&thread=12392&page=1 |
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Post by Michael Callahan on Nov 3, 2012 18:31:40 GMT -4
First of all, the fact we have threads being made to criticise people like Young Mannie and we're not taking the time to review our sexy sexy North American champion makes me Jackie Chan all day long.
POSITIVITY ARTILLERY
-Descriptions are good. You've got a very precise, very "As It Happens" style to you going which is good but I feel could do with a bit more emotive description. First person is good but I think you should ham up talking about how she feels a little bit more lest you run the risk of becoming a bit scientific with your current approach.
-Your dialogue, good stuff. It's all match-centric which some purists would consider a good thing but I think you could possibly do with some side storylines outside of APW to do to potentially stop your work from getting stale in the future.
-Your open letter to Pennington? Nice. Very brutal. I liked the determination. I think what you could've done with this is sell him a little bit more as a threat, that's what I love to see in roleplays.
DOWNSIIIIIIIIIDES
-Not much to say on this front really. There was nothing holding you back and I can't quite put my finger on it but it feels like, iunno, you're missing something that'll take you to the next level, to Undisputed level. I think it'd be interesting to see Aubrey at a moment of weakness because so far, we've seen this confident, angry young woman who wants to beat people up and get drunk so it'd be different to see a different emotional state.
Not sure. S'good though. Keep working at it.
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Post by The Soul Of Philly on Nov 4, 2012 9:07:36 GMT -4
As soon as I get my wifi working, I will have feedback
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