So..

[KJE]

It didn't work before but ill try again. Looking to get feedback on my last rp.

apwprez.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=meltdownrp&thread=13526

I don't take anything said to heart so dont hold back.

[SalTal]

Ill jump in here. Slowly rocking my way down the board.

The Good
Overall, this is a strong promo. I can see you ironing out one kinks here (which we can get to in a minute) but overall, it's solid, with the fundamentals of a promo evident. It deals explicitly with the match, with the opponents, and has a thread of a storyline in it. It's all there, it's sound, and you're king what needs to be done to start moving forward with the quality of the promo.

You deal with a complicated scenario quite well: that you have a variety of histories with the people in the match, each complicating this "I'm good, and good enough to win this". It's really quite well done, taking each character for what you've done with them and extrapolating it out to be a 'discussion point' for each. It's a fundamental approach (one might say basic, but I think that dilutes the effectiveness of it), and there are some other, more technical and creative approaches to take. But, at the basics of it, you've set up what is a good way to deal with a multi-challenger approach.

While you're writing in first person, you've started to move on from that rudimentary "I said..." And "I did..." That would start every sentence. I'm assuming you've been writing in this style for a while to have progressed a fair bit in terms of the style. There are advantages and disadvantages of writing in each style, but there are some big strengths to be found in first person. You're starting to tap into these already (exploring the ideas and feelings that are going on inside the character that a third person approach wouldn't give us an idea about). Just continue to read and reread what you write so that you can get an idea about the 'voice' that you're projecting. That's the best way to improve first person writing - reread.

What To Work On
The cohesiveness/tightness of the promo needs a bit of work. As I was reading it. I just didn't get that big, unifying idea that some of the other people here do so well. That's fine - it comes with time and experience, and I recognise that you're easing back in to it all. I think one thing to explicitly work on it the relationship between the title, the trash talk, and the 'approach' that the character is taking to the match. I have always worked on it like this:

First, sort out what my character 'feels' about the match (for the action/narrative voice) --> Then, what would the character say about the opponents in the match in line with what she feels about the maych (for the trash talk) --> Finally, how could I sum this up in a phrase for the title.

When I read the title for your promo ('Title matches mak me sick to my stomach'), I thought I ould be reading a very philosophical, very introspective promo. Instead, I got something that seemed to try and live in three different sections. The trash talk that is very strong in confidence and self-hype (when I was expecting the opposite), some character voice/actions that suggest some questioning and doubt (which, be use it didn't match the trash talk, didn't seem complimentary to hat was being said), and then a title for it all that gives me some expectations bout what's going to happen.

If title matches do make the character metaphorically sick, then she should be worried about everything in the match more than your average person. There are people familiar to her? Then she would be worried that they know her better than anyone else. They could use this to beat KJE. She should be worried about that. This is the first BIG min event she's in? She should be worried about stuffing up and being defined by this one match or as long as she is in APW. Saying things like this aligns more with the title.

This doesn't mean you should be at all confident, but you should try and bring lo these elements in line to be more cohesive, more tight so that things can just flow. That's something I always advocate (flow). When you have ,altered it, you're writing at your best and you'll be next to unbeatable.

Another thing to work on is proofreading the dialogue. It seems jilted and a bit artificial at times. One thing I noticed was a complete lack of contractions. When people talk, they always use contractions. It makes it sound more like someone is talking, which distinguishes it from the inner-monologues that you have in the first person voice. It also help create flow in the speech (the most important part). It should be a little less formal too, unless your character needs to be talking about that (a Farquhar for example). So one thing like:

I also have my personal little stalker : I've got my personal little stalker too
I have been on a roll lately and I am not ready to let anyone go and take that away from me. : I've been on a roll lately and I'm not nearly ready to let just anyone come and take it away from me.

I won't labour the point - I'm sure you get it. But natural sounding speech/dialogue is essential.

Overall
You've got a very strong promo here. It has an excellent hand.ing of the fundamentals, you've got more going on than your basic promo (integrating storylines and later native voices), and will continue to grow the more you 'exercise' your efedding mind. Just be mindful of the overall feel of a promo and the way that it pounds. Wok on these, and you will exponentially improve and you won't be on Meltdown this time next year, that's for sure!

[KJE]

Thanks much Sally. Will definitely take that all into account going into the new year <3