Post by THERE IS A GOD on Mar 9, 2008 6:16:11 GMT -4
RATED R:
FOR STRONG LANGUAGE, SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS, ADULT THEMES, DRUG CONTENT, AND VIOLENCE
Well let me tell you! The APW Extreme Heavyweight Champion tore the soon-to-be former APW World Heavyweight Champion from his pedestal, and gave him a much needed lesson in respect. In an APW Battle Royal “Sex and Violence” owned the rest of the federation, giving Sgt. Kenny Lambardo the number one contender’s slot for Jon Green’s APW World Heavyweight Championship. Well, almost…
Now a Lambardo is a man of mechanics. The mechanics in this case are simple. How the hell does a 6’10 giant, and a 6’2 Spanish fly’s feet hit the ground at the same time? Can anybody answer that? No! That does not mean actually answer the question to the wise asses of the company. Yes, I invite trouble.
Speaking of trouble, Revolution X is in for a shit ton. Razor Ryan, Devon Cash, Michael Lively, and Sabur! What the hell are these guys on, and can I have the number of the guys that gets it? Fuck Kaos!? Are you fucking loony? Sabur’s little dick giving the Monster Girl a “Facial”?! Okay. That was a good idea! You know what else is a good idea?
“What the hell is taking so god damn long? “The Ego Crusher” Sgt. Kenny Lambardo yelled from the outside of the bathroom door in the “Sex and Violence” locker room.
A smoking blunt hung from the sergeant’s lips, as he slammed a gloved fist into the door yelling. It felt good to have those gloves on again. They were blue, with black finger tips, and textured for grappling. A gift from “The Most Dangerous Man Alive” Ken Shamrock, Lambardo’s grappling trainer. He hadn’t worn them since IWC…
“How the hell do I let you talk me into these things Kenny?” The APW Extreme Heavyweight Champion “The Career Killer” Trevor Blackwell’s voice could be heard from the other side of the bathroom door.
Trevor’s voice had barely made it over the sound of the buzzer. The buzzing stopped, and the door opens to reveal the first of our Pantheon. He was the APW Extreme Heavyweight Champion, and the first man to ever be hailed as “The Excellence of Extreme”. The belt looked good plugged in around his waist. He was the sole man responsible for the assembly of “Sex and Violence”, and the man that shows us all what “Hardcore Wrestling” really is. You say “The Hardcore Icon”! I say the “Hardcore God”!
Lambardo smiled his trademark grin, and the plot thickened behind his sunglasses. He drew in a deep hit, and opened a plastic bag that he had been holding, and it appears that there is already something in said bag.
Trevor opens a towel, and dumps the contents into the bag. What could that possibly be you might ask? Coarse, sweaty, smelly Blackwell hair! And not any other kind, but pubic hair! Trevor snatches the blunt from Kenny’s lips, and he takes his turn.
“You know I didn’t wash my hands from when I went in right?” Kenny asked with a boyish smile.
Trevor coughed, and handed the blunt right back to Kenny as he chocked on the euphoric smoke.
“When I can breathe again,” Trevor said as he coughed, “I’m going to kill you!”
“It was a joke!” Lambardo interjected. “Calm your panties…”
Lambardo took yet another deep hit of the blunt as the “MONSTER GIRL” closed in from behind, and slid her arms under the marine’s arms clawing at his bare chest as the dog tags clanged from being hit. She nibbled on his ear, and her perfect green, and black hair was soft on his shoulder. It tickled as she moved to his neck. He loved her hair. Running your fingers through it was like running your hand through a stream. Why though… Why would her hair still be there? The answer is simple. Nair requires four minutes after application to work. Shampoo is lather, rinse repeat. Get my point… (Realism, and please never try to physically alter any of my characters without previous permission, thanks.)
“Your package has arrived, Kenny.” “The MONSTER GIRL” said.
“What package?” Lambardo asked, as he turned to face “The MONSTER GIRL”, and passed the blunt over his shoulder to Trevor.
“The Company sent you a gift for winning that Battle Royal at Overdrive.” “The MOSNTER GIRL” answered.
“But I didn’t win the Battle Royal.” Kenny interjected.
“Listen, we saw the tapes, and we all know that Vinnie Hardcore hit that mat first. Now just follow me, and see your gift.”
The APW Extreme Heavyweight Champion walked past the two MONSTER spokes persons, only to have the two follow in his wake, and out of the alcove into the main room. Lockers lined the walls, and duffel bags scattered the floor. The duffel bag marked “USMC” however was neatly placed by the door.
Off in the corner on the other side of the room sat Tony, Kristina, and Kalayla. The three found themselves quite at home around the table, each with cards in their hands.
“Black Jack!” Kalayla screamed victoriously.
“Fyre Angel” Kalayla Mitchell, what a fucking title! This chick had been with us for a long time, and Kenny was proud to call her sister, as proud as she was to be one. She was always there when you needed her, and that was what family was about. You say “Sinfully Dangerous”, I say “Goddess of Sin”!
“I swear to god your cheating!” Kristina interjected.
Kristina Blackwell was the little sister of the group, regardless of previous entanglements Kenny may or may not of had with her in the past. She was cute, seductive, manipulative, and new how to draw the three into one. To make it even worse she has got to be the most hardcore bitch that I have ever known in my life. A “Hardcore Goddess”, and Blackwell Royalty to boot.
“I’m not nearly drunk enough for this…” Tony tipped the bottle to his lips.
“The Drinking Duke”, “The Powerbomb Prince”, and probably one of the best friends that Kenny has ever had. Tony Blackwell was a man like no other, and can claim the title of “The Career Killer” as long as Saxton lacks the balls, and has the brain to not show his face in this fed. His destiny was that of an example of the sheer power of “Sex and Violence” wielded in the hands of “The God of Xtreme”.
The “Sex and Violence” manager Jack Spade walked into the room with clipboard in hand. His blonde hair slicked back on his head, and the same United States Air Force pilot’s sunglasses hid his soul from the world, as they did for a certain KaotiK. He wore a black suit with white pinstripes, and no tie. It looked Italian, probably Armani, and definitely custom cut.
“Bring it in here boys.” Spade said as he checked another item off of his agenda.
From there came a man with a hand truck followed by a man with some paperwork for Spade. The two wore black jumpsuits with the green “MONSTER M” logo on the back. That was not however important. What was important was the thing that was on the hand truck. Standing seven feet tall, and all black with a “MONSTER M” logo of its own was the very thing that carried the sweet nectar of the gods, a “MONSTER ENERGY” vending machine. It hit the floor in the corner with a thud, and Spade promptly signed for it as he saw that it arrived undamaged. The two delivery people left just as they came, and Kenny kissed the “MONSTER GIRL” in admiration of the gift.
“I Love YOU!” Kenny yelled in glee.
The spokes model blinked rapidly in confusion, but couldn’t help but to blush, and smile. He put his arm around her waist, bag still in hand, and the two walked over to the stable’s new found heaven. He hits a button, and the machine produces a “MONSTER BFC”. Kenny opens the can with a snap as the three at the card table finish their game. Not because anyone had won or anything, but because a drunken Tony stumbled to his feet, and sent the table over.
“Well that’s the end of that.” Kristina said slightly annoyed.
“Sorry.” Tony replied.
“Hope that you’re not this drunk at Overdrive.” Kalayla interjected. “Lively will spin so many times you’re more likely to puke your alcoholic guts out, than actually focus.”
“Trust me when I say that one “White Lion” is no match to “The God of Xtreme”.” Kenny rebutted.
“He was more than a match for you if I remember correctly.” Kristina rebutted in turn.
“Do you know what makes me god, Kris?” Kenny asked and the debate continued.
“Your imagination…” Kristina replied.
“Well your about to find out in the same cold way that Lively is going to this Monday night at Overdrive.” Kenny interjected, as he took a long slurp of his very own “MONSTER”.
“Hell yeah!” Tony screamed. “I’m gonna kick the shit outta that flaming piece of shit again! Need to put a blemish on his record you know, especially because his only win was one over you.”
With that entered the Blackwell’s personal cameraman Emry. As always he had his trusty camera, I mean hell, it was his freakin’ job, but this time he had something else, a long box under his left arm.
“It’s about time you got here.” Spade said to Emry, as he took the item from the dearly underpaid cameraman.
Spade tore the package opened, and handed individually wrapped jerseys to the collected stable, and a special paper wrapped item for “The MONSTER GIRL”. The MG disappeared into the bathroom to change, followed in turn by Kristina, and Kalayla. The KaotiK, and the Blackwell Brothers tore the plastic bags. Kenny laid the “MONSTER BFC”, and bag on the ground before he threw the black, and green jersey’s on. The number 69 was on the back of them all with the name “D GENERATION X” above it. The front of the jersey, and both shoulders sported the prominent “DX” insignia of legend. Angel and Kristina walk out of the bathroom, each with jerseys of their own.
“This is going to be fucking hysterical! I’ve wanted to do this since…” Tony spoke up.
“Shhh… Don’t give away the secret.” Kenny interrupted as he retrieved his MONSTER for another taste of its sweetness. “Speaking of secrets, where the hell did my blunt go?”
That was a question asked most often in the “Sex and Violence” locker room. The answer was the same as usual. It was in the hands of none other than “The Career Killer” himself, Trevor Blackwell. The blunt quickly made its way into the hands of “The Xtremist.”
Tony took a deep hit, and spoke. “Damn you get your hands on some good shit, Kaos.”
Tony took another hit, and passed it to “The Sinfully Dangerous” Kalayla “Fyre Angel” Mitchell. She took a hit, as she played with the sai on her belt with the opposite hand.
“Can we get this fucking show on the road.” A cloud of smoke left the angel’s lips as she spoke.
“That’s a great idea!” Lambardo responded as he made his way towards the mirror on the back wall of the main room. “Emry, get everything set.”
“I swear to the gods, if we get sued for copyright infringement…” Trevor threw his two cents in.
“It’s all taking care of, you don’t have to worry about a thing.” Spade interrupted.
“The KaotiK One” pulled a “Reign of Kaos” bandana ($9.99+tax) from his back pocket, and covered his short cropped marine-style hair, leaving the monster on top of a nearby locker. With some godly intent, and a little help from the mirror, the bandana came to center. In the meanwhile Emry was hard at work with his assigned task. The two finished at roughly the same time. Kenny made his way to the blunt, taking the bag of pubes from the floor. He tied it off before tossing it next to his duffel bag, and took another grand sip of his giant MONSTER.
Emry gave the marine the signal that there was five seconds left until they hit the air. Lambardo hung the blunt back in his lips, and stood in front of the camera with a cocky grin that resembled a slit throat.
The screen opens with a shot on “The Ego Crusher” Sgt. Kenny Lambardo with Trevor and Tony behind him striking the Blackwell trademarked crucifix pose. Kristina, and Kalayla hung on the shoulders of “The High Flyiah Messiah”, and he began what was sure to be yet another example of the worst thing in television entertainment today… “Sex & Violence”!
As had becomes status-quo for a Kaos promo, Kenny snapped his finger at the screen, and the screen went snowy for a second, only to replace the APW logo with the words “KAOS KAM”.
“Ladies, and gentleman! Boys, and girls! Children of all ages! For the thousands in attendance, and the millions watching at home! Let’s get ready to SUCK IT!!!”
“Sex & Violence” stands with a united “D GENERATION X” style “crotch chop”.
“Here on APW “KAOS KAM”!” Lambardo continued. “Sponsored by MONSTER ENERGY, Unleash the Beast! Ever since I first debuted in IWC, I wanted to do a “D GENERATION X” style promo, but I figured that it had been done before, and it was best to just let it rest. However all that changed this week. Now this wouldn’t be a “D GENERATION X” style promo without some “D GENERATION X” style antics, but remember we’re not DX, we’re “Sex & Violence” so you know that there’s gonna be a lot of that too. Let me take the time to show you how this gimmick is done. So without further delay…”
Lambardo threw up two hand signals. The first meant rally, the second meant move out, and this time the gang got it! “Sex & Violence” collectively left the locker room, and the sergeant took point, grabbing the “USMC bag left by the door on his way, being sure to leave the other behind. Spade split from the group to go set up elsewhere. The assembled “Excellence of Extreme” easily finished their inspiration, and Kenny finished the MONSTER as they made their way to a locker room that read: “Revolution X”. Lambardo threw another signal. This one meant hold, and the group was three for three. Has the sergeant been teaching the stable a few military tactics in the off time? Maybe a marine in the party wasn’t such a bad idea?
The future APW World Heavyweight Champion bull ran to the knob side to the door, laying the bag against the wall. He unzipped it, and produced a Singapore Cane that immediately went to the APW Extreme Heavyweight Champion, Trevor Blackwell. This was not any other Singapore Cane however. This one was special. The tip was well protected by a filled “Trojan Magnum XL”. Trevor smiled…
After that came a Super Soaker. This item went to the angel of the group. This Super Soaker, like the Singapore Cane was unique. This squirt gun had been filled with home grown, hand made, MONSTER approved, KaotiK Man Kream!
The marine pointed at Ms. Mitchell, and then to the wall on the other side of the door. The ninja followed the command with legendary stealth. He pointed at Tony, and gave a signal that told the now “Career Killer” to have his back. Kristina stayed with Trevor, preferring to let the others of the group do the dirty work for her.
Lambardo retrieved yet another item from his bag, a “USMC” issue smoke grenade. He nodded at his KaotiK Kompanian in Fyre Angel, and she opened the door. The marine threw the grenade into the room, and Kalayla quickly shut the door. The five inside the room begin to panic, and the door bursts open to reveal Sabur with his Little Dick. Sabur runs right into a Singapore Cane Shot from Trevor, and the condom bursts creamy white KaotiK Kum all over The Man-Cow’s face.
“BOOM! CUMSHOT!” Trevor roared with glee.
Kristina planted a boot on the cow’s head, and struck a crucifix pose as Tony punted the Little Dick right into the ceiling. The midget hit the ground with a thud, and laid there unconscious. Thank Kaos that he has that little helmet. Tony ran, and grabbed Sabur’s little dick like a fumbled football. He ran down the hall, and the true mission had been accomplished.
Next out was Razor Ryan. Just kidding. Him, and Devon Cash were no where to be found on the face of the planet...
Finally came “The White Lion” Micheal Lively. He opened the door, only to find “Revolution X” incapacitated, and that he was surrounded by “Sex & Violence”. Lively stopped dead in his tracks, and Lambardo stood from his spot next to the door. He stood before the lion, and took the glasses from his face.
“Do you really want to start this now?” “The KaotiK” smiled.
Lively smiled cockily in return, and the sergeant ruffled the boy’s hair before he left Lively to the Kaos at hand.
APW cuts to a commercial break…
APW returns to your regularly scheduled “KAOS KAM” to find an overview of a capacity arena, and Spade already in the ring. The camera pans the crowd zooming in on a sign that reads “Lambardo for President”, and another that says “KaotiK since 2003”.
Spade brings the mic to his lips. “Ladies, and Gentleman! Boys, and Girls! Children of all ages! “D GENERATION X” proudly brings to your APW Future Heavyweight Champion of the World!”
The crowd screams “KAOS!”
“The KaotiK One!”
The crowd screams “KAOS!”
“The Excellence of Extreme!”
The crowd screams “KAOS!”
“The High Flyiah Messiah!”
The crowd screams “KAOS!”
“The Ego Crusher” Sgt. Kenny Lambardo!
The arena goes black, and the sound system kicks in. “You think that your better? Well you better get ready… To bow to the masters! Break it down!”
The crowd explodes in cheers!
“Sex & Violence” appear on the stage. The APW Extreme Heavyweight Champion, “The Career Killer” Trevor Blackwell stands side by side with his brother, “The Xtremist” Tony Blackwell. Kenny sat atop their shoulders, his fists raised, and his wrists crossed for the “X”. The girls begin crotch chops, and raise “X’s” of their own. They slapped hands with the fans as they made their way down the ramp. Kenny started pointing out girls in the crowd, while lifting his shirt, implying that they should do the same, and they were all more than happy to oblige as he was strutted to ringside by the Blackwell Brothers. The girls slid in, the brothers climbed, and Kenny flipped. They formed line in the center of the ring, performing very “D GENERATION X” style crotch chops with the green smoke creating an “X” behind them with every one.
The crowd roars with appreciation!
Chase: Another award winning entrance by “Sex & Violence”!
Harvey: These guys just can’t get enough of themselves. Particularly Kenny Lambardo.
The music stops, and Kenny brings the mic to his lips. “Check this shit out.”
Kenny snaps a finger at the titontron, and it flashes over to see “The MONSTER GIRL’S” face. She empties a bottle of glue, its contents spilling off screen.
“How we doing sweetheart?” Kenny asked.
Remember the bag of pubic hair? The spokes model dumps the contents of the bag onto the same off screen spot that the glue had been dumped.
Harvey: That’s disgusting! I think I’m gonna hurl.
Chase: What the hell are they gluing that to?
“All done.” “The MONSTER GIRL” answered.
“Good because I need you at ringside soon.” Lambardo snapped his finger again, and the titontron returned to normal. “And just to let you all know, the women of “Sex & Violence” all shave already, so that was just a gift from me, Tony, and Trevor. Remember that, it will be important later. But on to more pressing business, like Vinnie Hardcore…”
Lambardo is interrupted by a Danny Elfman remix on the old Hurricane Jeff Superhero music. And there he is on the stage, striking a trademarked “Superhero” pose, microphone in hand. The little green man makes his way down the ramp, and slides into the ring.
The crowd roars even louder than before.
Chase: Holy Kaos Harvey, it’s the Hurricane!
Harvey: I think the boss needs to go back to reha… Never mind. I like my job.
Upon closer inspection, you would find that it is not HJ at all, but “The MONSTER GIRL” in a Hurricane costume.
“I have come for Mike Lively’s Mom!” The Hurricane impersonator proclaimed.
Kristina took this opportunity to take off the jersey, and throw it into the crowd only to reveal a green T-Shirt that read: “YOUR MOM FEARS THE HURRICANE!”(24.95 + tax) She throws on a grey wig, and snatches the microphone from the so called “Jeff”.
“Well kiss me already stud muffin!” The mom impersonator ordered.
The monster girl was glad to oblige, and the two began to make out in the middle of the ring.
The crowd begins to chant “HLA! HLA! HLA!”
Chase: I’m really starting to like this guy.
Harvey: I’m really starting to see your point.
“Now that is some godly shit!” Kaos truly did work in mysterious ways. “This is a good example of something that Vinnie Hardcore is going to need if he wants to survive our match at Overdrive. No, not hot lesbian action, although that might help with the ego crushing. Mr. Hardcore is going to need a fucking Superhero! Somebody to save him from the the KaotiK ass whooping that I’m gonna unleash on his unsuspecting ass! Maybe you can get Jeff to kiss your wounds, and make it better, but I really do give Jeff more credit than that. My guess is that he’s going to sit back, and watch me beat you, just like I did last Monday night. I know I beat you, you know I beat you, and the fans know that I beat you. It’s not a big deal man, it just makes you like everyone else.”
The fans cheer!
Harvey: Except for Mike Lively that is.
“You can try to get to me with that win the pussy cat has on me, but let me tell you that it doesn’t mean dick at this point. Lively was someone that got by on luck, and my overconfidence. Not a mistake that I’m gonna make with you. You’re gonna be an ego crushed real quick, and just one more hurdle on my way to the APW World Heavyweight Championship.”
The fans cheer!
“The gloves are on in my case, and its all about the gold between you, and me. We’re gonna go at it one more time, and you become a two time chimp, first to Jon Green, and then to me. I can see it in your eyes! How bad you want that title. Well let me ask you a question. How does it feel to want? Get used to that feeling, because you’re going to have it for a long fucking time. Where we come from, we don’t want, we take, which means I’m taking the win at Overdrive, and I’m taking the gold at APW Rasslmania!”
The crowd roars in agreement!
Chase: Kenny’s not taking any chances this time. He’s hell bent on a “Reign of Kaos” here in APW.
“But now onto something funny.” “The KaotiK” starts up again.
Harvey: What the hell is he going to do now?
Chase: Apparently something finny.
Spade tosses a mic to Trevor who gets on his knees in front of Kalayla Mitchell as if to beg for his life.
“Please Chica!” Trevor did a Razor Ramone impersonation. “Please don’t hurt me chica! I know if it wasn’t for my chico manager, that this chico would be nothing especially with a gimmick rip-off of a chico that blew nuts to begin with chica!”
The crowd gave a mixed reaction…
Harvey: Wow…
Chase: Huh… I’m sorry, what did you say?
Harvey: I said “wow”.
Chase: Oh… Sorry man, I was distracted by the hot lesbian action.
Trevor couldn’t help but to smile, and Kalayla just laughed.
“This would be a good idea for you Hardcore. Get down on your knees, and beg for your life. That just might work. I also take virgin sacrifices, cases of MONSTER, Visa, Master Card, your sister, and cold hard cash. Seriously consider it though. Don’t choose taking on a god, choose life! Life is so important. It wouldn’t be that bad. You get the night off, save some time, some embarrassment, no hospital bills…”
The crowd cheers in amusement!
Harvey: We have got some strong words from our Friendly Federation Marine.
Chase: At the rate that he’s going, I wouldn’t doubt it.
“That’s just the way it is man. You’re like my man Sabur.”
The crowd moos!
This also tells Tony to take the novelty cow horns from the back of his jeans, and fix them to his head. He then touches himself with a grin.
The girls scream!
“Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Tony!” Kenny quickly putting an end to that as the girls continued still to make out. “You can’t do that! Sabur’s little dick is a midget, that’s the only reason that he can touch it in public.”
Tony looks sad again…
Chase: Thank god that he stopped that!
Harvey: Yeah. We need to attract people to APW!
“But like I was saying, you remind me of Sabur…”
The crowd moos again!
“You’re like Irish Man Cow X in the back. So I guess that would make you Sacred Chinse Cow Man from beyond! See the only problem with that is that you’re not nearly as entertaining, and roughly half as talented. So I guess you’re still just a fucking ape. Just another steroid freak! I hate your fucking kind. I haven’t seen your promo yet, but I could guess. After that KKK comment you made, and the ones that I did in turn, I can see you playing the race card, and if I am a hater, it’s just more fuel for the KaotiK fire. But I’m not a hater, I just can’t see a Vinnie Hardcore promo without his Half-Chinese lineage having something to do with it. It’s a big fucking target as far as I’m concerned. So do what you do man. I’ll let you know how things went when you wake up. It’ll definitely be an ego crushing, probably a mugging, and a total mind fuck! Just please don’t come out here, and start talking shit you don’t know nothing about like some other guys around here. Then its just gonna be an egg roll in your face if you get the hint. Anyway, I’m out of camera time, so to Vinnie Hardcore, and to all my Revolutionary friends in the back… I GOT TWO WORDS FOR YA!
The crowd screams “SUCK IT!”
“Sex & Violence” perform a united “D GENERATION X” style crotch chop, and the camera pans to ring at ringside.
Spade brings the mic to his lips. “This was another exciting episode of “KAOS KAM” live for APW. Get your copy wherever DVD’s are sold. All merchandise seen here today can be purchased on www.apwspendlotsofmoney.com” (not an actual link).
The screen fades black, and flashes the green “MONSTER M” logo before APW cuts to a commercial break.
Back in the “Revolution X” locker room…
The four had just finished regrouping after a not so friendly encounter with “Sex & Violence”.
“Where the hell is my Dick!?” Sabur screamed.
“Have you checked your pants?” Lively asked.
“Hell no! Why would I keep my dick in my pants?”
“I’ve been asking myself that question since I was 13.” Ryan interjected.
The door opened to reveal a Dick, but not just any dick, a little hairy Russian Dick. Remember that bag of hair…
“What happened my purple headed warrior?” Sabur asked.
“I’m gonna kill him!” The hairy little dick answered.
FOR STRONG LANGUAGE, SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS, ADULT THEMES, DRUG CONTENT, AND VIOLENCE
Well let me tell you! The APW Extreme Heavyweight Champion tore the soon-to-be former APW World Heavyweight Champion from his pedestal, and gave him a much needed lesson in respect. In an APW Battle Royal “Sex and Violence” owned the rest of the federation, giving Sgt. Kenny Lambardo the number one contender’s slot for Jon Green’s APW World Heavyweight Championship. Well, almost…
Now a Lambardo is a man of mechanics. The mechanics in this case are simple. How the hell does a 6’10 giant, and a 6’2 Spanish fly’s feet hit the ground at the same time? Can anybody answer that? No! That does not mean actually answer the question to the wise asses of the company. Yes, I invite trouble.
Speaking of trouble, Revolution X is in for a shit ton. Razor Ryan, Devon Cash, Michael Lively, and Sabur! What the hell are these guys on, and can I have the number of the guys that gets it? Fuck Kaos!? Are you fucking loony? Sabur’s little dick giving the Monster Girl a “Facial”?! Okay. That was a good idea! You know what else is a good idea?
“What the hell is taking so god damn long? “The Ego Crusher” Sgt. Kenny Lambardo yelled from the outside of the bathroom door in the “Sex and Violence” locker room.
A smoking blunt hung from the sergeant’s lips, as he slammed a gloved fist into the door yelling. It felt good to have those gloves on again. They were blue, with black finger tips, and textured for grappling. A gift from “The Most Dangerous Man Alive” Ken Shamrock, Lambardo’s grappling trainer. He hadn’t worn them since IWC…
“How the hell do I let you talk me into these things Kenny?” The APW Extreme Heavyweight Champion “The Career Killer” Trevor Blackwell’s voice could be heard from the other side of the bathroom door.
Trevor’s voice had barely made it over the sound of the buzzer. The buzzing stopped, and the door opens to reveal the first of our Pantheon. He was the APW Extreme Heavyweight Champion, and the first man to ever be hailed as “The Excellence of Extreme”. The belt looked good plugged in around his waist. He was the sole man responsible for the assembly of “Sex and Violence”, and the man that shows us all what “Hardcore Wrestling” really is. You say “The Hardcore Icon”! I say the “Hardcore God”!
Lambardo smiled his trademark grin, and the plot thickened behind his sunglasses. He drew in a deep hit, and opened a plastic bag that he had been holding, and it appears that there is already something in said bag.
Trevor opens a towel, and dumps the contents into the bag. What could that possibly be you might ask? Coarse, sweaty, smelly Blackwell hair! And not any other kind, but pubic hair! Trevor snatches the blunt from Kenny’s lips, and he takes his turn.
“You know I didn’t wash my hands from when I went in right?” Kenny asked with a boyish smile.
Trevor coughed, and handed the blunt right back to Kenny as he chocked on the euphoric smoke.
“When I can breathe again,” Trevor said as he coughed, “I’m going to kill you!”
“It was a joke!” Lambardo interjected. “Calm your panties…”
Lambardo took yet another deep hit of the blunt as the “MONSTER GIRL” closed in from behind, and slid her arms under the marine’s arms clawing at his bare chest as the dog tags clanged from being hit. She nibbled on his ear, and her perfect green, and black hair was soft on his shoulder. It tickled as she moved to his neck. He loved her hair. Running your fingers through it was like running your hand through a stream. Why though… Why would her hair still be there? The answer is simple. Nair requires four minutes after application to work. Shampoo is lather, rinse repeat. Get my point… (Realism, and please never try to physically alter any of my characters without previous permission, thanks.)
“Your package has arrived, Kenny.” “The MONSTER GIRL” said.
“What package?” Lambardo asked, as he turned to face “The MONSTER GIRL”, and passed the blunt over his shoulder to Trevor.
“The Company sent you a gift for winning that Battle Royal at Overdrive.” “The MOSNTER GIRL” answered.
“But I didn’t win the Battle Royal.” Kenny interjected.
“Listen, we saw the tapes, and we all know that Vinnie Hardcore hit that mat first. Now just follow me, and see your gift.”
The APW Extreme Heavyweight Champion walked past the two MONSTER spokes persons, only to have the two follow in his wake, and out of the alcove into the main room. Lockers lined the walls, and duffel bags scattered the floor. The duffel bag marked “USMC” however was neatly placed by the door.
Off in the corner on the other side of the room sat Tony, Kristina, and Kalayla. The three found themselves quite at home around the table, each with cards in their hands.
“Black Jack!” Kalayla screamed victoriously.
“Fyre Angel” Kalayla Mitchell, what a fucking title! This chick had been with us for a long time, and Kenny was proud to call her sister, as proud as she was to be one. She was always there when you needed her, and that was what family was about. You say “Sinfully Dangerous”, I say “Goddess of Sin”!
“I swear to god your cheating!” Kristina interjected.
Kristina Blackwell was the little sister of the group, regardless of previous entanglements Kenny may or may not of had with her in the past. She was cute, seductive, manipulative, and new how to draw the three into one. To make it even worse she has got to be the most hardcore bitch that I have ever known in my life. A “Hardcore Goddess”, and Blackwell Royalty to boot.
“I’m not nearly drunk enough for this…” Tony tipped the bottle to his lips.
“The Drinking Duke”, “The Powerbomb Prince”, and probably one of the best friends that Kenny has ever had. Tony Blackwell was a man like no other, and can claim the title of “The Career Killer” as long as Saxton lacks the balls, and has the brain to not show his face in this fed. His destiny was that of an example of the sheer power of “Sex and Violence” wielded in the hands of “The God of Xtreme”.
The “Sex and Violence” manager Jack Spade walked into the room with clipboard in hand. His blonde hair slicked back on his head, and the same United States Air Force pilot’s sunglasses hid his soul from the world, as they did for a certain KaotiK. He wore a black suit with white pinstripes, and no tie. It looked Italian, probably Armani, and definitely custom cut.
“Bring it in here boys.” Spade said as he checked another item off of his agenda.
From there came a man with a hand truck followed by a man with some paperwork for Spade. The two wore black jumpsuits with the green “MONSTER M” logo on the back. That was not however important. What was important was the thing that was on the hand truck. Standing seven feet tall, and all black with a “MONSTER M” logo of its own was the very thing that carried the sweet nectar of the gods, a “MONSTER ENERGY” vending machine. It hit the floor in the corner with a thud, and Spade promptly signed for it as he saw that it arrived undamaged. The two delivery people left just as they came, and Kenny kissed the “MONSTER GIRL” in admiration of the gift.
“I Love YOU!” Kenny yelled in glee.
The spokes model blinked rapidly in confusion, but couldn’t help but to blush, and smile. He put his arm around her waist, bag still in hand, and the two walked over to the stable’s new found heaven. He hits a button, and the machine produces a “MONSTER BFC”. Kenny opens the can with a snap as the three at the card table finish their game. Not because anyone had won or anything, but because a drunken Tony stumbled to his feet, and sent the table over.
“Well that’s the end of that.” Kristina said slightly annoyed.
“Sorry.” Tony replied.
“Hope that you’re not this drunk at Overdrive.” Kalayla interjected. “Lively will spin so many times you’re more likely to puke your alcoholic guts out, than actually focus.”
“Trust me when I say that one “White Lion” is no match to “The God of Xtreme”.” Kenny rebutted.
“He was more than a match for you if I remember correctly.” Kristina rebutted in turn.
“Do you know what makes me god, Kris?” Kenny asked and the debate continued.
“Your imagination…” Kristina replied.
“Well your about to find out in the same cold way that Lively is going to this Monday night at Overdrive.” Kenny interjected, as he took a long slurp of his very own “MONSTER”.
“Hell yeah!” Tony screamed. “I’m gonna kick the shit outta that flaming piece of shit again! Need to put a blemish on his record you know, especially because his only win was one over you.”
With that entered the Blackwell’s personal cameraman Emry. As always he had his trusty camera, I mean hell, it was his freakin’ job, but this time he had something else, a long box under his left arm.
“It’s about time you got here.” Spade said to Emry, as he took the item from the dearly underpaid cameraman.
Spade tore the package opened, and handed individually wrapped jerseys to the collected stable, and a special paper wrapped item for “The MONSTER GIRL”. The MG disappeared into the bathroom to change, followed in turn by Kristina, and Kalayla. The KaotiK, and the Blackwell Brothers tore the plastic bags. Kenny laid the “MONSTER BFC”, and bag on the ground before he threw the black, and green jersey’s on. The number 69 was on the back of them all with the name “D GENERATION X” above it. The front of the jersey, and both shoulders sported the prominent “DX” insignia of legend. Angel and Kristina walk out of the bathroom, each with jerseys of their own.
“This is going to be fucking hysterical! I’ve wanted to do this since…” Tony spoke up.
“Shhh… Don’t give away the secret.” Kenny interrupted as he retrieved his MONSTER for another taste of its sweetness. “Speaking of secrets, where the hell did my blunt go?”
That was a question asked most often in the “Sex and Violence” locker room. The answer was the same as usual. It was in the hands of none other than “The Career Killer” himself, Trevor Blackwell. The blunt quickly made its way into the hands of “The Xtremist.”
Tony took a deep hit, and spoke. “Damn you get your hands on some good shit, Kaos.”
Tony took another hit, and passed it to “The Sinfully Dangerous” Kalayla “Fyre Angel” Mitchell. She took a hit, as she played with the sai on her belt with the opposite hand.
“Can we get this fucking show on the road.” A cloud of smoke left the angel’s lips as she spoke.
“That’s a great idea!” Lambardo responded as he made his way towards the mirror on the back wall of the main room. “Emry, get everything set.”
“I swear to the gods, if we get sued for copyright infringement…” Trevor threw his two cents in.
“It’s all taking care of, you don’t have to worry about a thing.” Spade interrupted.
“The KaotiK One” pulled a “Reign of Kaos” bandana ($9.99+tax) from his back pocket, and covered his short cropped marine-style hair, leaving the monster on top of a nearby locker. With some godly intent, and a little help from the mirror, the bandana came to center. In the meanwhile Emry was hard at work with his assigned task. The two finished at roughly the same time. Kenny made his way to the blunt, taking the bag of pubes from the floor. He tied it off before tossing it next to his duffel bag, and took another grand sip of his giant MONSTER.
Emry gave the marine the signal that there was five seconds left until they hit the air. Lambardo hung the blunt back in his lips, and stood in front of the camera with a cocky grin that resembled a slit throat.
The screen opens with a shot on “The Ego Crusher” Sgt. Kenny Lambardo with Trevor and Tony behind him striking the Blackwell trademarked crucifix pose. Kristina, and Kalayla hung on the shoulders of “The High Flyiah Messiah”, and he began what was sure to be yet another example of the worst thing in television entertainment today… “Sex & Violence”!
As had becomes status-quo for a Kaos promo, Kenny snapped his finger at the screen, and the screen went snowy for a second, only to replace the APW logo with the words “KAOS KAM”.
“Ladies, and gentleman! Boys, and girls! Children of all ages! For the thousands in attendance, and the millions watching at home! Let’s get ready to SUCK IT!!!”
“Sex & Violence” stands with a united “D GENERATION X” style “crotch chop”.
“Here on APW “KAOS KAM”!” Lambardo continued. “Sponsored by MONSTER ENERGY, Unleash the Beast! Ever since I first debuted in IWC, I wanted to do a “D GENERATION X” style promo, but I figured that it had been done before, and it was best to just let it rest. However all that changed this week. Now this wouldn’t be a “D GENERATION X” style promo without some “D GENERATION X” style antics, but remember we’re not DX, we’re “Sex & Violence” so you know that there’s gonna be a lot of that too. Let me take the time to show you how this gimmick is done. So without further delay…”
Lambardo threw up two hand signals. The first meant rally, the second meant move out, and this time the gang got it! “Sex & Violence” collectively left the locker room, and the sergeant took point, grabbing the “USMC bag left by the door on his way, being sure to leave the other behind. Spade split from the group to go set up elsewhere. The assembled “Excellence of Extreme” easily finished their inspiration, and Kenny finished the MONSTER as they made their way to a locker room that read: “Revolution X”. Lambardo threw another signal. This one meant hold, and the group was three for three. Has the sergeant been teaching the stable a few military tactics in the off time? Maybe a marine in the party wasn’t such a bad idea?
The future APW World Heavyweight Champion bull ran to the knob side to the door, laying the bag against the wall. He unzipped it, and produced a Singapore Cane that immediately went to the APW Extreme Heavyweight Champion, Trevor Blackwell. This was not any other Singapore Cane however. This one was special. The tip was well protected by a filled “Trojan Magnum XL”. Trevor smiled…
After that came a Super Soaker. This item went to the angel of the group. This Super Soaker, like the Singapore Cane was unique. This squirt gun had been filled with home grown, hand made, MONSTER approved, KaotiK Man Kream!
The marine pointed at Ms. Mitchell, and then to the wall on the other side of the door. The ninja followed the command with legendary stealth. He pointed at Tony, and gave a signal that told the now “Career Killer” to have his back. Kristina stayed with Trevor, preferring to let the others of the group do the dirty work for her.
Lambardo retrieved yet another item from his bag, a “USMC” issue smoke grenade. He nodded at his KaotiK Kompanian in Fyre Angel, and she opened the door. The marine threw the grenade into the room, and Kalayla quickly shut the door. The five inside the room begin to panic, and the door bursts open to reveal Sabur with his Little Dick. Sabur runs right into a Singapore Cane Shot from Trevor, and the condom bursts creamy white KaotiK Kum all over The Man-Cow’s face.
“BOOM! CUMSHOT!” Trevor roared with glee.
Kristina planted a boot on the cow’s head, and struck a crucifix pose as Tony punted the Little Dick right into the ceiling. The midget hit the ground with a thud, and laid there unconscious. Thank Kaos that he has that little helmet. Tony ran, and grabbed Sabur’s little dick like a fumbled football. He ran down the hall, and the true mission had been accomplished.
Next out was Razor Ryan. Just kidding. Him, and Devon Cash were no where to be found on the face of the planet...
Finally came “The White Lion” Micheal Lively. He opened the door, only to find “Revolution X” incapacitated, and that he was surrounded by “Sex & Violence”. Lively stopped dead in his tracks, and Lambardo stood from his spot next to the door. He stood before the lion, and took the glasses from his face.
“Do you really want to start this now?” “The KaotiK” smiled.
Lively smiled cockily in return, and the sergeant ruffled the boy’s hair before he left Lively to the Kaos at hand.
APW cuts to a commercial break…
APW returns to your regularly scheduled “KAOS KAM” to find an overview of a capacity arena, and Spade already in the ring. The camera pans the crowd zooming in on a sign that reads “Lambardo for President”, and another that says “KaotiK since 2003”.
Spade brings the mic to his lips. “Ladies, and Gentleman! Boys, and Girls! Children of all ages! “D GENERATION X” proudly brings to your APW Future Heavyweight Champion of the World!”
The crowd screams “KAOS!”
“The KaotiK One!”
The crowd screams “KAOS!”
“The Excellence of Extreme!”
The crowd screams “KAOS!”
“The High Flyiah Messiah!”
The crowd screams “KAOS!”
“The Ego Crusher” Sgt. Kenny Lambardo!
The arena goes black, and the sound system kicks in. “You think that your better? Well you better get ready… To bow to the masters! Break it down!”
The crowd explodes in cheers!
“Sex & Violence” appear on the stage. The APW Extreme Heavyweight Champion, “The Career Killer” Trevor Blackwell stands side by side with his brother, “The Xtremist” Tony Blackwell. Kenny sat atop their shoulders, his fists raised, and his wrists crossed for the “X”. The girls begin crotch chops, and raise “X’s” of their own. They slapped hands with the fans as they made their way down the ramp. Kenny started pointing out girls in the crowd, while lifting his shirt, implying that they should do the same, and they were all more than happy to oblige as he was strutted to ringside by the Blackwell Brothers. The girls slid in, the brothers climbed, and Kenny flipped. They formed line in the center of the ring, performing very “D GENERATION X” style crotch chops with the green smoke creating an “X” behind them with every one.
The crowd roars with appreciation!
Chase: Another award winning entrance by “Sex & Violence”!
Harvey: These guys just can’t get enough of themselves. Particularly Kenny Lambardo.
The music stops, and Kenny brings the mic to his lips. “Check this shit out.”
Kenny snaps a finger at the titontron, and it flashes over to see “The MONSTER GIRL’S” face. She empties a bottle of glue, its contents spilling off screen.
“How we doing sweetheart?” Kenny asked.
Remember the bag of pubic hair? The spokes model dumps the contents of the bag onto the same off screen spot that the glue had been dumped.
Harvey: That’s disgusting! I think I’m gonna hurl.
Chase: What the hell are they gluing that to?
“All done.” “The MONSTER GIRL” answered.
“Good because I need you at ringside soon.” Lambardo snapped his finger again, and the titontron returned to normal. “And just to let you all know, the women of “Sex & Violence” all shave already, so that was just a gift from me, Tony, and Trevor. Remember that, it will be important later. But on to more pressing business, like Vinnie Hardcore…”
Lambardo is interrupted by a Danny Elfman remix on the old Hurricane Jeff Superhero music. And there he is on the stage, striking a trademarked “Superhero” pose, microphone in hand. The little green man makes his way down the ramp, and slides into the ring.
The crowd roars even louder than before.
Chase: Holy Kaos Harvey, it’s the Hurricane!
Harvey: I think the boss needs to go back to reha… Never mind. I like my job.
Upon closer inspection, you would find that it is not HJ at all, but “The MONSTER GIRL” in a Hurricane costume.
“I have come for Mike Lively’s Mom!” The Hurricane impersonator proclaimed.
Kristina took this opportunity to take off the jersey, and throw it into the crowd only to reveal a green T-Shirt that read: “YOUR MOM FEARS THE HURRICANE!”(24.95 + tax) She throws on a grey wig, and snatches the microphone from the so called “Jeff”.
“Well kiss me already stud muffin!” The mom impersonator ordered.
The monster girl was glad to oblige, and the two began to make out in the middle of the ring.
The crowd begins to chant “HLA! HLA! HLA!”
Chase: I’m really starting to like this guy.
Harvey: I’m really starting to see your point.
“Now that is some godly shit!” Kaos truly did work in mysterious ways. “This is a good example of something that Vinnie Hardcore is going to need if he wants to survive our match at Overdrive. No, not hot lesbian action, although that might help with the ego crushing. Mr. Hardcore is going to need a fucking Superhero! Somebody to save him from the the KaotiK ass whooping that I’m gonna unleash on his unsuspecting ass! Maybe you can get Jeff to kiss your wounds, and make it better, but I really do give Jeff more credit than that. My guess is that he’s going to sit back, and watch me beat you, just like I did last Monday night. I know I beat you, you know I beat you, and the fans know that I beat you. It’s not a big deal man, it just makes you like everyone else.”
The fans cheer!
Harvey: Except for Mike Lively that is.
“You can try to get to me with that win the pussy cat has on me, but let me tell you that it doesn’t mean dick at this point. Lively was someone that got by on luck, and my overconfidence. Not a mistake that I’m gonna make with you. You’re gonna be an ego crushed real quick, and just one more hurdle on my way to the APW World Heavyweight Championship.”
The fans cheer!
“The gloves are on in my case, and its all about the gold between you, and me. We’re gonna go at it one more time, and you become a two time chimp, first to Jon Green, and then to me. I can see it in your eyes! How bad you want that title. Well let me ask you a question. How does it feel to want? Get used to that feeling, because you’re going to have it for a long fucking time. Where we come from, we don’t want, we take, which means I’m taking the win at Overdrive, and I’m taking the gold at APW Rasslmania!”
The crowd roars in agreement!
Chase: Kenny’s not taking any chances this time. He’s hell bent on a “Reign of Kaos” here in APW.
“But now onto something funny.” “The KaotiK” starts up again.
Harvey: What the hell is he going to do now?
Chase: Apparently something finny.
Spade tosses a mic to Trevor who gets on his knees in front of Kalayla Mitchell as if to beg for his life.
“Please Chica!” Trevor did a Razor Ramone impersonation. “Please don’t hurt me chica! I know if it wasn’t for my chico manager, that this chico would be nothing especially with a gimmick rip-off of a chico that blew nuts to begin with chica!”
The crowd gave a mixed reaction…
Harvey: Wow…
Chase: Huh… I’m sorry, what did you say?
Harvey: I said “wow”.
Chase: Oh… Sorry man, I was distracted by the hot lesbian action.
Trevor couldn’t help but to smile, and Kalayla just laughed.
“This would be a good idea for you Hardcore. Get down on your knees, and beg for your life. That just might work. I also take virgin sacrifices, cases of MONSTER, Visa, Master Card, your sister, and cold hard cash. Seriously consider it though. Don’t choose taking on a god, choose life! Life is so important. It wouldn’t be that bad. You get the night off, save some time, some embarrassment, no hospital bills…”
The crowd cheers in amusement!
Harvey: We have got some strong words from our Friendly Federation Marine.
Chase: At the rate that he’s going, I wouldn’t doubt it.
“That’s just the way it is man. You’re like my man Sabur.”
The crowd moos!
This also tells Tony to take the novelty cow horns from the back of his jeans, and fix them to his head. He then touches himself with a grin.
The girls scream!
“Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Tony!” Kenny quickly putting an end to that as the girls continued still to make out. “You can’t do that! Sabur’s little dick is a midget, that’s the only reason that he can touch it in public.”
Tony looks sad again…
Chase: Thank god that he stopped that!
Harvey: Yeah. We need to attract people to APW!
“But like I was saying, you remind me of Sabur…”
The crowd moos again!
“You’re like Irish Man Cow X in the back. So I guess that would make you Sacred Chinse Cow Man from beyond! See the only problem with that is that you’re not nearly as entertaining, and roughly half as talented. So I guess you’re still just a fucking ape. Just another steroid freak! I hate your fucking kind. I haven’t seen your promo yet, but I could guess. After that KKK comment you made, and the ones that I did in turn, I can see you playing the race card, and if I am a hater, it’s just more fuel for the KaotiK fire. But I’m not a hater, I just can’t see a Vinnie Hardcore promo without his Half-Chinese lineage having something to do with it. It’s a big fucking target as far as I’m concerned. So do what you do man. I’ll let you know how things went when you wake up. It’ll definitely be an ego crushing, probably a mugging, and a total mind fuck! Just please don’t come out here, and start talking shit you don’t know nothing about like some other guys around here. Then its just gonna be an egg roll in your face if you get the hint. Anyway, I’m out of camera time, so to Vinnie Hardcore, and to all my Revolutionary friends in the back… I GOT TWO WORDS FOR YA!
The crowd screams “SUCK IT!”
“Sex & Violence” perform a united “D GENERATION X” style crotch chop, and the camera pans to ring at ringside.
Spade brings the mic to his lips. “This was another exciting episode of “KAOS KAM” live for APW. Get your copy wherever DVD’s are sold. All merchandise seen here today can be purchased on www.apwspendlotsofmoney.com” (not an actual link).
The screen fades black, and flashes the green “MONSTER M” logo before APW cuts to a commercial break.
Back in the “Revolution X” locker room…
The four had just finished regrouping after a not so friendly encounter with “Sex & Violence”.
“Where the hell is my Dick!?” Sabur screamed.
“Have you checked your pants?” Lively asked.
“Hell no! Why would I keep my dick in my pants?”
“I’ve been asking myself that question since I was 13.” Ryan interjected.
The door opened to reveal a Dick, but not just any dick, a little hairy Russian Dick. Remember that bag of hair…
“What happened my purple headed warrior?” Sabur asked.
“I’m gonna kill him!” The hairy little dick answered.
