Post by Jake Titan on Mar 11, 2013 1:59:53 GMT -4
Jake Titan is at his house, lounging out on his sofa watching his world’s largest lava lamp. The globs of wax low around, mixing and separating, amounting to much of anything. Still Jake just lounging around his rented home, when he should be preparing for another match with Evan McDonald, he found it more important to do nothing.
The blobs of wax slowly move up and down from the headed bulb and Jake just laid there like a bump on the log. A small elf climbed up his shoulder and tugged on his ear. Normally people don’t see elves, unless they’re tripping on drugs or have gone completely insane. Was Jake high or was he finally losing his mind? We’re not sure but Jake surely wasn’t terrified of something that shouldn’t exist.
“Jake!” The little elf hollered into Jake’s ear in a high pitched voice.
Slowly, Jake’s neck cracked and popped as he turned over. Apparently he had been in this pose for several hours. “What, brotha?”
“It’s time! You have GOT to get your groove back!” then the elf snickered that Jake had lost his groove.
Instead of getting angry and exploding on the elf, Jake got angry all right. With an angry hand tightly clenching around the tiny elf, Jake began to strangle his intruder. The poor little elf began turning red as Jake strangled the life out of him. Just as the elf was about to lose consciousness, Jake stretched him out and shot him at the kitchen garbage can. The little guy began bouncing around the Jake’s rented home, breaking glass, busting holes in the walls and knocking anything and everything off the tables and shelves.
Finally after bouncing around for three minutes, he landed in the garbage can. Confused at how that happened, Jake looked at his lava lamp. “Am I dreaming, mayne?”
The face of Dom DeLuise appeared in Jake’s self-proclaimed ‘World’s Largest Lava Lamp’. The fat man’s face gave a large grin as he stared at Jake Titan. “Yes, you are dreaming!” Dom said in a strange high pitched flamboyant voice.
Suddenly Jake woke up. Sweating lightly, Jake sat his head up. “Wow… that was one Hell of a dream.”
As Jake swung his feet to the ground, beer cans are heard shuffling around. His throat was parched, drool covered the couch he slept on but his lava lamp was still on. There are times Jake wonders what his electric bill is like, but Randy was a nice enough guy to include electric into his rent. Maybe that could be why he has such and astronomically high rent that’s due.
“Man… I need a drink.” Jake began walking slowly over to kitchen in his black man thong.
Cans are heard smashing into one another as Jake waded through the beer cans that are littered throughout his entire home. How long the cans have been on the floor is anyone’s guess. The 1950’s fridge opens up and Jake reached inside, grabbed a quart of milk and began to drink straight from the quart itself. Milk rushed out and covered his face and chest. However he spat it out and covered his fridge. He turned the bottle around and looked at the expiration date.
“March first, two thousand thirteen… man I no wonder it tastes like cancer.” Despite knowing he was drinking expired milk, Jake shrugged his shoulders and got another drink. But he couldn’t get the mouthful down and just spat all over his kitchen window instead.
“I can’t do it! I just can’t do it!” he poured ‘the milk out his window; ran to the kitchen sink and began flushing his system out with water. Worried he’ll be too sick to wrestle his match, Jake started to chug a bottle Mylanta, Pepcid and ate two alka seltzer tablets.
When Jake belched loudly, he nearly threw up. How could Jake Titan fall this hard? Was he suddenly homeless? Were things so bad for him? Yeah things were this bad. Jake was use to a life of depravity and sub-par standards. He was just too cheap and most certainly way too lazy to actually change his life. Sure he had moved to Canada to try something new.
Sickened from drinking spoiled and sour milk, Jake walked over his couch and began to go fishing in the cushions. His tongue stuck out slightly as he reached out. Several tense moments passed until he found a pair sunglasses and an old sand which. “Man I don’t remember this… still feels cool so…”
Unbelievably, Jake took a large bite out of the old turkey club sand which he found in his couch. A large smile appeared on his face and he continued to eat. Jake’s foot reached out kicked on a multi colored strobe light. The beams of light barely changed the color of his lava lamp. Not feeling the mood of the room, Jake got up and went to his closet to pull out a disco light. He walked over to his large but clearly old JVC Kaboom Box. A CD entitled “Luv Mix” is written in black marker. When the CD top closes, Lil Jon’s “Get Low” starts playing loudly and Jake went to his couch and watched the strobe light show on his lava lamp.
“Man dis sucks… that asshole Leon sent me this.” Jake reached over to his couch. Then with a large bottle cap glasses, Jake began to read.
“Dear Jake. Too busy having a threesome with Demonica and your mom. You’re on your own, bitch.
Luv
Leon, the better half of the Killaz”
Now his partner had abandoned him for the week. That’s cool he didn’t want to show up for his promo but this was insulting. Jake didn’t even know his mother! All he knew about her is the fact she was a $2 crack hoe.
“Well… I guess I can talk about what I gonna do dis week. ‘Sides smoke crack, get drunk, punch yo’ daddy, pork yo’ mama and get my jizz on yo’ face. So like my dawg Leon is fighting on his own dis week. I don’t care if his my back this week ‘cause I gotta show dem I can kick as much ass by myself as I can wit’ Leon.” Jake slid the fingers on his right hand down his thong like Al Bundy.
He looked at a stuffed animal version of Garfield. Although he was WAY too old to still have stuffed animals, Jake had a freaking Garfield the Cat animal. There were times Jake would think to himself “Where did I get this?” but he never ONCE tried to figure out it. He might have stolen it on one of his drunken nights raiding garbage cans for something to put in his house. Jake might have stolen it from some toy store. Either way he at least had a friend he could talk to.
“Well dawg, I gots you still Garfield. You ain’t gonna judge me, ‘ight?” Now he was talking to stuffed animals?
Still the Garfield smiled at him with one paw raised at him as if he’s waving hello. “Yeah dawg, I knew you would. ‘Cause dis week I gotta face Evan McDonald again. He lost last time and blames a woman, not himself for the loss. He blame himself ‘cause she couldn’t get the job done or at the very least man up ‘n’ say dat he too much of a pussy to fight fo’ himself. Now he got me. One on one ‘n’ I ain’t no bitch. Maybe that piece of ass Megan Andrews should CUM down to right side and watch da match wit’ me ‘n’ Evan. Ya feel me, cat?”
Jake gave Garfield the biggest and cheesiest shit eating grin he possibly could. Even though the cat couldn’t talk, Jake had to pretend he could. In a bad attempt to throw his voice, Jake lowered his voice to a near stereotypical black man’s voice “I feel you, cat.”
“Yea’! That’s what I’m talkin’ bout cat!” Then Jake hung his head and stared at his beer can covered floor. “God I am sad… Maybe I should get me a gun ‘n’ shoot me in da mouth… what if I miss? People would be all like “haha! You suck bitch! You couldn’t even kill yo’self’ wait… what if I live? I gotta get me some dumb ass hat to cover the hole… AHHHH!” Jake takes a huge bite out of the sandwhich, and kicked the strobe light into seizure mode as “Fuck You” by Eamon played on the Kaboom Box.
His muscles were tense. The face muscles were strained as he shouted loudly in a guttural roar. “I can’t lose! I gotta beat Evan McDonald again and send him home to McDonalds to get me dem Big Macs!” He ran over and kicked an empty beer keg out the window.
Although the keg was empty, Jake fell over on the ground holding his toes because he likely broke a toe or two.
“Wow, I cannot believe you were dumb enough to do that.” Said Garfield, as he came to life and walked over to him.
“No you stupid, stupid man. You’re still dreaming, you can wake up now.” Garfield clapped his front paws together.
Suddenly Jake Titan woke up again laying on his couch. “Wait a minute THAT was the dream! Maybe I didn’t let this place go to Hell…”
Filled with excitement and joy suddenly, Jake shot straight up in his street clothes consisting of blue jeans… and that was it. He swung his feet to the side and knocked over several beer cans. Looking around his house, Jake realized his house is a complete mess. Beer cans and bottles on the floor, there were also several crumpled up packs of cigarettes as well as the butts in ashtrays and randomly thrown around the ground, but his prized possession the lava lamp was fine.
“At least I still have you.” He got up and hugged his lava lamp. “You’d never judge me for my short comings.”
“But I would.” Leon’s voice said from behind.
Jake nodded in his direction. “Oh hey dawg, sup?”
“Not a whole Hell of a lot man. You got a match on your own this week. You know that right?” said Leon.
“Yea’ dawg. Me and Evan McDonald. I gotta beat his ass again, gotta prove that I’m not a one hit one wonder. Ya feel me?”
Leon nodded knowing how to NOT answer his question. “You’re still gay.”
Leon sighed loudly as Jake still found a way to entrap him. Wasn’t entrapment illegal?
“So whatcha gonna do?” Leon put it simply for Jake to understand.
Jake cracked another beer open and began to drink as he talked to Leon. “Mayne, what can I say? He’s blamin’ that FINE woman tag team partner he had for his loss against us. Ya believe that?”
Once more, Leon nodded not wanting to say his answer.
“So I gotta go in, whup his preppy ass again. Which is exactly what I plan to do, ya know what I mean?”
“Yeah I know what you mean.” FINALLY! Something Leon could answer that wasn’t sexual.
“So what about you, dawg? Plan on failin’?” asked APW’s Original Gangsta.
Apparently Jake had forgotten who he was facing off against. “I’m fighting that ‘fine ass woman’ you was talkin’ about.”
“Oh… cop a feel for me ‘n’ give her my numba, dawg.” The clinging sound of glass is heard as Jake tossed the bottle to the ground. “First we gonna win dis week then at Rasslemania, we takin’ dat shit ALL da way home!”
“Yeah, dog I hear that.” Leon smiled and bumped knuckles with Jake. Then something jumped in Leon’s mind. “Hey when you took Lib out to that convention… why did you ask her when she turns sixteen?”
“Ah good question. I asked her that…” Jake slapped Leon across his face and stunned Leon. Normally a slap wouldn’t stun him but he wasn’t expecting Jake to randomly slap him.
Jake ran to a window and jumped out screaming. Worried that his dad might be out of rent, Leon looked outside and noticed that Jake was only screaming after a one foot fall and a water sprinkler shooting him in the face.
END
[/center]The blobs of wax slowly move up and down from the headed bulb and Jake just laid there like a bump on the log. A small elf climbed up his shoulder and tugged on his ear. Normally people don’t see elves, unless they’re tripping on drugs or have gone completely insane. Was Jake high or was he finally losing his mind? We’re not sure but Jake surely wasn’t terrified of something that shouldn’t exist.
“Jake!” The little elf hollered into Jake’s ear in a high pitched voice.
Slowly, Jake’s neck cracked and popped as he turned over. Apparently he had been in this pose for several hours. “What, brotha?”
“It’s time! You have GOT to get your groove back!” then the elf snickered that Jake had lost his groove.
Instead of getting angry and exploding on the elf, Jake got angry all right. With an angry hand tightly clenching around the tiny elf, Jake began to strangle his intruder. The poor little elf began turning red as Jake strangled the life out of him. Just as the elf was about to lose consciousness, Jake stretched him out and shot him at the kitchen garbage can. The little guy began bouncing around the Jake’s rented home, breaking glass, busting holes in the walls and knocking anything and everything off the tables and shelves.
Finally after bouncing around for three minutes, he landed in the garbage can. Confused at how that happened, Jake looked at his lava lamp. “Am I dreaming, mayne?”
The face of Dom DeLuise appeared in Jake’s self-proclaimed ‘World’s Largest Lava Lamp’. The fat man’s face gave a large grin as he stared at Jake Titan. “Yes, you are dreaming!” Dom said in a strange high pitched flamboyant voice.
Suddenly Jake woke up. Sweating lightly, Jake sat his head up. “Wow… that was one Hell of a dream.”
As Jake swung his feet to the ground, beer cans are heard shuffling around. His throat was parched, drool covered the couch he slept on but his lava lamp was still on. There are times Jake wonders what his electric bill is like, but Randy was a nice enough guy to include electric into his rent. Maybe that could be why he has such and astronomically high rent that’s due.
“Man… I need a drink.” Jake began walking slowly over to kitchen in his black man thong.
Cans are heard smashing into one another as Jake waded through the beer cans that are littered throughout his entire home. How long the cans have been on the floor is anyone’s guess. The 1950’s fridge opens up and Jake reached inside, grabbed a quart of milk and began to drink straight from the quart itself. Milk rushed out and covered his face and chest. However he spat it out and covered his fridge. He turned the bottle around and looked at the expiration date.
“March first, two thousand thirteen… man I no wonder it tastes like cancer.” Despite knowing he was drinking expired milk, Jake shrugged his shoulders and got another drink. But he couldn’t get the mouthful down and just spat all over his kitchen window instead.
“I can’t do it! I just can’t do it!” he poured ‘the milk out his window; ran to the kitchen sink and began flushing his system out with water. Worried he’ll be too sick to wrestle his match, Jake started to chug a bottle Mylanta, Pepcid and ate two alka seltzer tablets.
When Jake belched loudly, he nearly threw up. How could Jake Titan fall this hard? Was he suddenly homeless? Were things so bad for him? Yeah things were this bad. Jake was use to a life of depravity and sub-par standards. He was just too cheap and most certainly way too lazy to actually change his life. Sure he had moved to Canada to try something new.
Sickened from drinking spoiled and sour milk, Jake walked over his couch and began to go fishing in the cushions. His tongue stuck out slightly as he reached out. Several tense moments passed until he found a pair sunglasses and an old sand which. “Man I don’t remember this… still feels cool so…”
Unbelievably, Jake took a large bite out of the old turkey club sand which he found in his couch. A large smile appeared on his face and he continued to eat. Jake’s foot reached out kicked on a multi colored strobe light. The beams of light barely changed the color of his lava lamp. Not feeling the mood of the room, Jake got up and went to his closet to pull out a disco light. He walked over to his large but clearly old JVC Kaboom Box. A CD entitled “Luv Mix” is written in black marker. When the CD top closes, Lil Jon’s “Get Low” starts playing loudly and Jake went to his couch and watched the strobe light show on his lava lamp.
“Man dis sucks… that asshole Leon sent me this.” Jake reached over to his couch. Then with a large bottle cap glasses, Jake began to read.
“Dear Jake. Too busy having a threesome with Demonica and your mom. You’re on your own, bitch.
Luv
Leon, the better half of the Killaz”
Now his partner had abandoned him for the week. That’s cool he didn’t want to show up for his promo but this was insulting. Jake didn’t even know his mother! All he knew about her is the fact she was a $2 crack hoe.
“Well… I guess I can talk about what I gonna do dis week. ‘Sides smoke crack, get drunk, punch yo’ daddy, pork yo’ mama and get my jizz on yo’ face. So like my dawg Leon is fighting on his own dis week. I don’t care if his my back this week ‘cause I gotta show dem I can kick as much ass by myself as I can wit’ Leon.” Jake slid the fingers on his right hand down his thong like Al Bundy.
He looked at a stuffed animal version of Garfield. Although he was WAY too old to still have stuffed animals, Jake had a freaking Garfield the Cat animal. There were times Jake would think to himself “Where did I get this?” but he never ONCE tried to figure out it. He might have stolen it on one of his drunken nights raiding garbage cans for something to put in his house. Jake might have stolen it from some toy store. Either way he at least had a friend he could talk to.
“Well dawg, I gots you still Garfield. You ain’t gonna judge me, ‘ight?” Now he was talking to stuffed animals?
Still the Garfield smiled at him with one paw raised at him as if he’s waving hello. “Yeah dawg, I knew you would. ‘Cause dis week I gotta face Evan McDonald again. He lost last time and blames a woman, not himself for the loss. He blame himself ‘cause she couldn’t get the job done or at the very least man up ‘n’ say dat he too much of a pussy to fight fo’ himself. Now he got me. One on one ‘n’ I ain’t no bitch. Maybe that piece of ass Megan Andrews should CUM down to right side and watch da match wit’ me ‘n’ Evan. Ya feel me, cat?”
Jake gave Garfield the biggest and cheesiest shit eating grin he possibly could. Even though the cat couldn’t talk, Jake had to pretend he could. In a bad attempt to throw his voice, Jake lowered his voice to a near stereotypical black man’s voice “I feel you, cat.”
“Yea’! That’s what I’m talkin’ bout cat!” Then Jake hung his head and stared at his beer can covered floor. “God I am sad… Maybe I should get me a gun ‘n’ shoot me in da mouth… what if I miss? People would be all like “haha! You suck bitch! You couldn’t even kill yo’self’ wait… what if I live? I gotta get me some dumb ass hat to cover the hole… AHHHH!” Jake takes a huge bite out of the sandwhich, and kicked the strobe light into seizure mode as “Fuck You” by Eamon played on the Kaboom Box.
His muscles were tense. The face muscles were strained as he shouted loudly in a guttural roar. “I can’t lose! I gotta beat Evan McDonald again and send him home to McDonalds to get me dem Big Macs!” He ran over and kicked an empty beer keg out the window.
Although the keg was empty, Jake fell over on the ground holding his toes because he likely broke a toe or two.
“Wow, I cannot believe you were dumb enough to do that.” Said Garfield, as he came to life and walked over to him.
“No you stupid, stupid man. You’re still dreaming, you can wake up now.” Garfield clapped his front paws together.
Suddenly Jake Titan woke up again laying on his couch. “Wait a minute THAT was the dream! Maybe I didn’t let this place go to Hell…”
Filled with excitement and joy suddenly, Jake shot straight up in his street clothes consisting of blue jeans… and that was it. He swung his feet to the side and knocked over several beer cans. Looking around his house, Jake realized his house is a complete mess. Beer cans and bottles on the floor, there were also several crumpled up packs of cigarettes as well as the butts in ashtrays and randomly thrown around the ground, but his prized possession the lava lamp was fine.
“At least I still have you.” He got up and hugged his lava lamp. “You’d never judge me for my short comings.”
“But I would.” Leon’s voice said from behind.
Jake nodded in his direction. “Oh hey dawg, sup?”
“Not a whole Hell of a lot man. You got a match on your own this week. You know that right?” said Leon.
“Yea’ dawg. Me and Evan McDonald. I gotta beat his ass again, gotta prove that I’m not a one hit one wonder. Ya feel me?”
Leon nodded knowing how to NOT answer his question. “You’re still gay.”
Leon sighed loudly as Jake still found a way to entrap him. Wasn’t entrapment illegal?
“So whatcha gonna do?” Leon put it simply for Jake to understand.
Jake cracked another beer open and began to drink as he talked to Leon. “Mayne, what can I say? He’s blamin’ that FINE woman tag team partner he had for his loss against us. Ya believe that?”
Once more, Leon nodded not wanting to say his answer.
“So I gotta go in, whup his preppy ass again. Which is exactly what I plan to do, ya know what I mean?”
“Yeah I know what you mean.” FINALLY! Something Leon could answer that wasn’t sexual.
“So what about you, dawg? Plan on failin’?” asked APW’s Original Gangsta.
Apparently Jake had forgotten who he was facing off against. “I’m fighting that ‘fine ass woman’ you was talkin’ about.”
“Oh… cop a feel for me ‘n’ give her my numba, dawg.” The clinging sound of glass is heard as Jake tossed the bottle to the ground. “First we gonna win dis week then at Rasslemania, we takin’ dat shit ALL da way home!”
“Yeah, dog I hear that.” Leon smiled and bumped knuckles with Jake. Then something jumped in Leon’s mind. “Hey when you took Lib out to that convention… why did you ask her when she turns sixteen?”
“Ah good question. I asked her that…” Jake slapped Leon across his face and stunned Leon. Normally a slap wouldn’t stun him but he wasn’t expecting Jake to randomly slap him.
Jake ran to a window and jumped out screaming. Worried that his dad might be out of rent, Leon looked outside and noticed that Jake was only screaming after a one foot fall and a water sprinkler shooting him in the face.
END
EDIT: Sorry forgot to mention, I got permission to submit this late after asking Evan. I have proof in my inbox.
