Titan For Hire: How High

[Jake Titan]

We’re returned to Jake Titan in another one of his attempts to reduce his massively back owed rent to Leon Roberts’ Father: Randy Roberts. This time we find Jake dressed as a black version of Gandolf the Gray. His tag team partner, the same partner he failed several days ago at Rasslemania IX, is with him but he’s dressed like a normal person.

“This is bullshit.” Jake said as Leon walked behind him and kicked him every time he slowed down.

“Well this is your just desserts for fucking up at Rasslemania. You embarrassed me in my home town, asshole.” Leon booted him again making Gandolf Titan jump.

Several people point and laugh at Jake. Even though those people are dressed like Harry Potter characters, Dungeons and Dragons characters and the worst insult to him was yet to come. One heavily overweight man dressed as Sailor Moon with a full beard walked passed him. His eyebrow rose at him.

The Natural Born Killaz stopped and caught eyes with him. Instead of kicking Jake, Leon just laughed at the fat ass Sailor Bubba and walked away. “What did you do?” asked Sailor Bubba.

“You watch APW?”

“Not much of a wrestling fan. I enjoy the superior sport of football slash soccer.”

Jake shrugged his shoulders at him literally saying ‘slash.’ “Well I’m a wrestler and I had a poor showing at the biggest pay-per view event of the year. I parted too hard and smoked something I know I shouldn’t have the day of the event. So my tag team partner has me doing this as a ‘redemption’ ritual. It’s fucking horrible to put it bluntly.”

“Sunderland lost to Manchester United, so I had to become Sailor Moon. Don’t feel bad.”

“Fuck Sunderland! Manchester United rules!” Jake shouted loud enough to cause several people look in their direction.

“Hey! I don’t shit on you because you dropped the ball! Don’t shit on me because I dropped the ball, asshat.” Bubba pointed his moon scepter at Jake.

Jake looked down and thought about maybe punching him in the face. Perhaps he could shove that scepter up his ass. Would he get arrested for assault or given a pat on the back because he would serve another guy who deserved it. But for the sake of not getting arrested for beating a guy half way to unconsciousness, APW’s Original Gangsta had to let it slide.

“My bad, bra. I didn’t mean da come at ya sideways.” Jake the Gray backed up some.

The horrid cosplayer backed away then shouldered his Moon Scepter. “Well… I guess we all have our bad days. I for once bet against Manchester United and you apparently did a real bad job at your little sport of wrestling.”

“It ain’t no sport. It’s a life, mayn. So yeah… ‘cause I dropped da ball, I gotta do dis shit until ma tag partner decides I’ve suffered enough. Knowing his sadistic ass, he gonna let me suffer all day.” Jake turned around as Leon tapped on his shoulder. He looked down at what he was holding. “No, simply no. I ain’t wearing dat shit!”

“You’re wearing this shit mother fucker! Now put it on!” Leon slapped off the gray hat and put a large pink hat on then tossed him a hot pink robe to wear.

Several minutes later Jake left the men’s washroom dressed as Gandolf the Pink. Sailor Bubba, Man Faye and several other people who think they’re doing a “great” job at cosplaying point and laugh at Jake. The former Blood broods angrily as he walked over to Leon.

“I wanna kill you so unbelievably badly right now.” Jake said trying to hold back all his anger and rage. “Are you going to let me live this down?”

There was a long and slow shaking of the head. “No, you’re not going to live this down until we win those Tag Team titles.”

“Mayne, yo’ crack is what made me all whack!”

“Wait… the square ‘crack’ that I have in my mint box?” Leon reached into his chest and pulled out the mint box.

Jake’s head turned sideways “Yea’ why dat?”

“That wasn’t crack you stupid, stupid man. These are sugar cubes that are laced with chocolate…” Leon counted how many were missing. “You smoked twelve of these?!”

“They a pretty shitty high, ain’t gonna to lie. I had to smoke mo’ to get high, which I didn’t!” Jake looked at the cubes with Leon.

Leon introduced his right palm to his face. The Virus began rubbing his face as it suddenly hurt very much. Never before had he met someone this dumb. Deep down, Leon prayed to his father that Jake is either trolling him or doing this on intention. There couldn’t possibly be a way for someone to be this stupid.

“What’s wrong with you? Why is your nose bleeding?” asked Jake as he walked past Leon and tried to get his

Sure enough, Leon had a trickle of blood running out his nose. “Nothing Jake, either because it’s a reoccurring nose bleed I keep getting today or it’s a brain aneurism from sheer stupidity.”

“I didn’t know you were that retarded.” Jake said smiling. Leon is heard screaming at the top of his lungs, the longer he remained with Jake Titan the worst his health would get. At least for the time being because if Leon Roberts remained with his tag team partner any more, he’d go to Canadian Alcatraz for murdering Jake Titan in cold blood.

Now that Leon was leaving the immediate area, Jake started to laugh and began to remove the stupid get up that Leon forced him to wear. “Ah Titan! Don’t take that off bitch, you gotta take me to go have fun!”

Suddenly, Jake’s eyes shot open. The veins clearly visible in his eyes, the voice that shouted at Jake wasn’t very mistakable. Quickly, he turned around and saw Liberty Roberts dressed up wearing a knee length skirt and a “Hello Kitty” t-shirt complete with cat ears. Jake’s eyes nearly jumped out of his head as he stared at a suddenly girly Liberty.

“What the Hell!? Shouldn’t you be back in Toronto?!” he shouted.

Liberty shook her head. “No, dad brought me with him because he knew you’d find a way to get rid of him. So I’m here to make sure you suffer.”

That sounded like reasonable thinking, thought Jake Titan. The APW’s Original Gangsta did have his way of getting rid of unwanted guests, especially Leon “The Virus” Roberts. “Why are you dressed up like that? I didn’t expect you to be a Hello Kitty fan.”

Liberty got angry and pouted at Jake. “Like your punk ass, I lost a bet myself. I was betting on my daddy to kick your pathetic ass out of the Natural Born Killaz but I was wrong and for some reason he decided to keep you around. I guess he needs someone that looks pathetic around him to make him look like a humanitarian.”

“Haha.” Jake mockingly laughed at Liberty. “Shouldn’t you be dressed like a boy or Dante?”

“Shouldn’t you be dressed like a man and not a fairy ballerina?” Liberty walked through the door way she was waiting in.

“I didn’t see nothing, if you didn’t see nothing.” Jake took a knee to look her in the eyes.

“Done.”

“Good. So what the Hell do you want from me this time? I ain’t takin’ you to that place again. Men only, ya fe-ya know what I mean?” There was no reason to make that remark to a child; she isn’t her father… or sixteen yet.

“I know what you mean.”

“Good. Now if you excuse me…” Then Jake motioned to take the pink Gandolf hat off.

Liberty shook her little finger in his face. “Keep it on. Otherwise I’ll tell my granddaddy on you! You had a decent pay despite your poor showing and paid off a month’s rent. But you still owe him a lot of money.”

An angered growling and teeth grinding is heard coming from Jake as he put the hat back on. He then stood up and stomped away from Liberty but she just followed him and jumped on his back. Once more a former Blood was reduced to a horse. If his friends saw him like this, he’d tell them to shoot him. They’d either be happy to do it because this might be unrepairable damage done to the gang or they’d let him suffer and get a kick out of his misery.

It wouldn’t take long until Jake finally managed to throw Liberty off him. But the girl was much smarter and definitely quicker than he thought. She grabbed onto his robe and dragged him down. His face smashed hard into the marble tile. A splatter of blood from his lip appeared as he tried figuring how she did that.

“If I wasn’t so pissed off with the fucking shit that happened at the Meltdown Invitational, Rasslmania IX and this week on Meltdown, I’d be strangling you.” Jake said as he stood over Liberty.

Liberty stood up and pushed him. “What’s stopping you? I dare you, Titan-poo.”

Jake then covers her mouth. “Exnay on the poo-tai. How’d you even hear about that?”

“Does it matter?” She said removing his hand.

“Not really. But I’m pissed off over about that Meltdown Invitational. A lot of advertised stars didn’t bother showing up to the event. Do those fucking bitches like Level One, NAMELY LEVEL ONE, who threw the biggest stink mind you, decided “Oh since we got to be on the C Show, we’re not going to even show up to the event and bitch about to the heads.” I don’t fucking play that! If I was any of the pussy GMs or Hurricane Jeff, I wouldn’t play that! Fuck them! They didn’t want to show up to the C Show, they should be forced to play on the C show until they show their willingness to play with the other kids! Ain’t none of those bitches say shit to me as to why they’re so fucking high and mighty that management bends over backwards for them because they didn’t want to show up on the C show so they called off the day of the show!

“I have the biggest problem with Level One. Fuck that little bitch! If I was his GM, I’d send his fucking punk ass over to Meltdown for the week so he can make up for an event he was advertised to be on. He’s a former World Champion; he shouldn’t be given no free passes.” Then Jake had to calm down.

“I gotta relax; I’m not going to cry over spilled milk. I’m just disappointed that those fucking bitches got away scot free for not having to show up on Meltdown, because some people in management just stuck their dicks between legs, rubbed themselves down in peanut butter because they ain’t tough and they ain’t men.

“Secondly I got your punk ass dad. I dropped the ball at Rasslermania, for that I apologize. I’m sorry Leon, I fucked it. It happens to all of us but I saw you before the show you looked like your ass got chewed up and shit out by a bright red assed baboon. He needs to get his out of you mama’s cu-“ He looked to realize again: Liberty is only ten years old and he’s about to talk about her mother in some really foul terms. “out of his ass and put his fucking head back in the game. He’s my friend but I only see him as that because I see a paycheck on his ass by teaming with him. I ain’t see him for anything else, I just want to pay off your granddaddy’s back owed rent I owe. “ Putting the girl further below him, Jake began to pat on her head as if she was a dog.

“I don’t know why you’re patting me on the head or explaining this to me. I’ve already heard what daddy said.” A grinding sound comes from Liberty’s mouth.

“Well I ain’t all that fixed on yo’ old man any way. This week Imma redeem myself by beating getting the pinfall on Trevor Hyatt. That loud mouth bitch has run his co-“ He blinked at Liberty. “Cake trap long enough. That bitch ain’t done jack shit! He’s just some whack white boy that’s shooting off at the mouth with stuff his puppy dog ass can’t back up. I mean I’ve seriously looked around on the internet for him and I couldn’t find him!”

Liberty patted on Jakes head as he was down on her level. “Does that search the internet mean you looked for fifteen minutes and gave up?”

“Five minutes but yes but yes I rather go burn one or drink a fifth of vodka instead of going back in APW’s archives to find someone who may or may not be there. I mean “Simply” Trevor Hyatt hasn’t done very much to impress. He’s just been randomly coming and going and he’s been on the losing end, a lot. So I’m not too worried about fighting him. I ain’t sure if he’ll flake out or not. I’m more worried about the Redneck Boyz, Tommy “I’m not Johnny” Knoxville and Buckson “Captain Redneck America” and those Tag Team titles.

“Yeah I admit I fucked up on our debut but I plan to fix that shit. Earlier this week I phoned up a few guys, called a brotha’s, and had to do a few favors… some I’m not proud of.” Jake said staring at the ground clearly disappointed in himself.

Liberty crossed her arms. “Like suck a guy off…”

“What?” asked Jake

Liberty looked at Jake. “What?”

Did she just pull a fast one? Was Jake Titan now so low a ten year old child can outsmart him? A bright shined glistened off Jake’s head from the sun catching it light. Jake then looked over to see Leon still laughing at him. Tired of getting mocked and treated badly by his tag team partner, Jake ran over and tackled him. The two began brawling in middle of a street. Each one taking his time on top beating the other’s face into a bloody pulp, before Leon could get away Jake grabbed large rocks and started pelting him and Liberty. Now Jake Titan has got completely insane.

“Fuck you Leon! Titan is back! Titan is back! Titan is back!” He chanted as he threw more stones at father and daughter.

Suddenly, Leon and Liberty were shaking Jake. The two poured cold water and hot coffee on him to snap him out of his daze. “Dude, seriously are you all right?”

Jake shook his head and looked at Leon. “Huh? Wha’? What’s going on?”

“Dude seriously I was with you earlier and you just disappeared on me. Now I found you here… did you smoke that crack again?” asked Leon, who was raising an eyebrow at his possible addict friend.

Jake’s eyes shifted from Liberty still dressed as a Hello Kitty Fan Girl and Leon Roberts… dressed as himself. “I ain’t sayin’ no but I ain’t sayin’ yes. But you me and me dawg, we gotta talk.”

“Anything you can say to me, you can say in front of my daughter.” Leon smiled arrogantly. Such defiance and cockiness about Leon “The Virus” Roberts, no wonder he’s a former World Heavyweight Champion.

“A’ight, dawg. First off, I ain’t yo’ bitch ‘n’ I ain’t you ni-“ Jake’s eyes shifted to Liberty who stood there innocently. “I ain’t you slave. Second, if da shit I pulled goes right, we got a rematch wit’ da Redneck Boyz.”

For the first time, Jake could say he actually saw Leon “The Virus” Roberts was happy. “We also gotta kick da shit outta Trevor Hyatt. That slow dude is just wastin’ our time. I ain’t want this match to last forever, so I wanna finish dis fast ‘n’ quick so I can get us a rematch. A’ight?”

“A’ight, man.” Leon offered a hand. Jake reached out and shook his head hand. Then Leon looked at Liberty. “Now.”

“Ball tap!” Liberty full fisted Jake where it counted the most. With his full weight behind him, Jake screamed loudly as he lay out on the floor from Liberty Roberts’ little fist of pain.

Strained and pained, Jake screamed out loudly. “OH THE HUMANITY!”

[/i]