Sample Match - Feedback Welcome

[brandenharvey]

Eric Steel vs. Chris Manson

The bell rings.

Chris Manson LEAPS OFF AND COLLIDES INTO ERIC STEEL WITH SUCH FORCE THAT THE RING SHOOK!! Manson rolled and then stood back up to only engage Steel with a dominating wrist lock! Steel was screaming in pain instantly but then he flipped forward- and took Manson's right around and locked behind him. Manson reached behind trying to grab Steel's head but Steel shoved him forward and into the turnbuckle. Manson's chest impacts the buckle but in the rebound, Steel leaps high up into the air and catches Manson by his shoulders from his leg with a reverse Frankensteiner! Manson falls backwards... but the shock didn't last long as Manson sat up and caught Steel by the neck... Manson stands up with him TO ONLY LIFT HIM UP INTO THE AIR AND SLAMED AGAINST THE TIP OF HIS BONEY KNEE. Steel collapses with agonzing pain in his small of the back... but Manson simply stared down at him with blood lust!

Steel leapt up, buried a powerful fist into Mansons gut and almost putting his fist through him. Manson was propelled backwards into the turnbuckle with such force that the entire ring actually moved several inches.

Steel looked at the form of Manson extricating himself from the turnbuckle. He grabbed his arm in a vice like grip and whipped him faster than he could manage across the ring. Manson stumbled and fell in a heap before he even reached the opposite turnbuckle but even so the impact was massive and the ring shifted again.

Manson was standing on one knee after he was thrust to the turnbuckle. He looked up at Steel- wiping the blood coming from his busted lips.... and licked it clean off of his hand. Manson smiled at Steel and begged him to come at him with all that he HAD!!!

Steel did so... he dashes towards Manson with no emotion. Locking horns- the two grappled-- not one of them moving an inch, till Manson sunk his right knee into Steel's guts and powered him up and twirled him into the air before coming straight down with him in a tilt-a-whirl slam.

Manson sat up and stood up to then UNLEASH A DEMONIC SET OF KICKS TO STEEL'S BACK OF THE HEAD!!!! Manson then dropped his knee into the back of Steel's spine and took his hands and pulled both of them as far back as he could muster!!! Steel made no sound but his face showed his muscles tighten almost to the brink of tearing apart!

Steel used all of his strength to stand up along with Manson still racking his arms back... suddenly, Steel swings Manson's around around his waist and he miraculously lifts him up to only send Manson TWIRLING UP AND OVER HIS BODY IN A VICIOUS RELEASE BELLY TO BELLY SLAM!!!

Manson's body skidded across the canvas leaving a trail of blood behind.....

Steel stalked over to where Manson was trying to pry himself up off the mat. He grabbed him by the back of the head and brought his knee up busting Manson's nose wide open.

Manson found himself flung across the ring by a vicious arm drag. Steel seemed to be in no hurry as he watched and stalked Manson. Manson stood up once again.

Manson rubbed his bloodied nose and spat out a wad of blood soaked saliva to the canvas floor. Manson circled Steel; Steel stood still and fixed on Manson. With a determined roar, Manson lunged at Steel with his massive arms swinging widely! Steel anticipated the attack with shear accuracy to the very second and counter-attacked with a tornado kick followed up by a sharp backelbow into Manson's swollen ribs! the attack concluded immediately after Steel plugged Manson in the guts with his hand snapping back smashing his fist into Manson's broken nose!!!

Manson fell backwards and landed with his leg bent backwards on the canvas floor.....

He was barely moving.

Steel picked up a chair and slammed it hard into Mansons head over and over again. Eventually when the chair was in pieces Steel stood over Manson.

Steel pulled a small dagger from the side of his boot and stabbed Manson over and over. Steel was careful, he didn't want to kill him, he just wanted to make sure he felt some serious pain. Steel dragged the knife through Manson's skin and made some of the cuts so close to one another it would make it difficult for a surgeon to sew it all back together very easily. Steel avoided Manson's vital organs but he made sure he got some good big veins that caused blood to squirt quite impressively.

Then he pinned him.
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Manson grabbed the ropes against all odds.

Manson rose slowly to his feet and noticed the many gashing holes in his body.... blood flowed like a river- Steel came at him again swinging the knife!! and narrowly missing his throat! And then with a rawr- Manson caught Steel's right arm with the knife and then sent him flying to the ground- the knife is dropped but Steel lands on all fours and dashes at him again with a cartwheel turned scissor-kick! Manson dodged barely out of the way and then slams his harsh blood soaked hands across Steel's neck!!! Manson raise Steel up in midair and stared at him..... and slamming him down with a vicious chokeslam!!! Manson's blood was boiling!!!

Manson springs from the opposite ropes and then lands with a punishing leg drop across Steel's weakened neck!!! Finally, Manson picks Steel up and hits the Messiah Effect. Though wounded and bleeding profusely, he goes for the pin.
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3!!! DING! DING! DING!

WINNER: CHRIS MANSON

[President Jeff]

The match was ok until the whole Knife thing came into play. It was unrealistic and just plain dumb. Only other thing, to me there was no flow to the match and no physcology, it was almost just spot after spot. No build up to a big move. When writing a match, its one thing to be able to visualize it happening, but its another to Visualize it happening on TV. I've been watching wrestling for almost 20 years and I've seen thousands of matches. But no joke, one thng that helps me write a match, is I use some of my old action figures, plan a few series of moves, if it looks good and realistic and I write it down.

But for a first match written, I'll give you a 5/10. Check out some of the links I PMed you, There's some match writing tips in there.

[biggs]

A solid first effort, although like Jeff, I have to say it was mostly spot after spot without any psychology. Another bit of constructive criticism is that it's written in the past tense, where most matches I've seen are written in the present tense. Also, for a normal match, there was a lot of ultra-devastating moves that bordered on hyperbole. Every match doesn't need to be dire and the end-all-be-all.

Still, I see a solid foundation here for you to build upon. Just reign in the realism, work on some psychology, and you'll be there.

[Mark Mania]

Yeah, this match parallels you're RP's.

There is definitely a foundation and a lot of potential. It's difficult to not just indulge all of your fantasies when writing a match or a roleplay and actually settle down with realism.

When I was first starting I wanted the big moves non-stop and for the hardcore to just be over the top...so I can see where you're coming from.

But, you find me a wrestling match where someone whips out a knife, and I'll keep my mouth shut.

Either way, solid effort, and a lot of potential, just like Biggs and Jeff said, reel in some realism, and you'll be good.

[Victor Hades]

I agree with that too, solid match and so forth.
A bit too many spots for my taste, though.

[Eric Steel]

Erm... I am real surprised that you used my character in a sample match without my permission. I guess it's alright though, I don't mind. I will say this, you should've used less spots. Too many spots would make the match seem like a botchfest. You should watch out for grammar errors. Also, you don't have to make every move a huge impact type move. Just make sure your match is creative and original. You can't have too much creativity when it comes to that. I'd know because I used to write matches all the time.

[Level-Two]

Yeah, that's weird. I didn't take notice of you, Eric Steel until now--but I realized that Chris Manson guy was signed up to our boards recently. I thought Harvey knew you all or something, LMAO.

No harm done of course being off the record; just a little weird. As for the match itself, I agree with everyone else. I would say, I like the fact that it's uniform in terms of writing. At the very least, you've got the right idea. This match is a better write up then your actual roleplays. The best advice I can give you is to continue reading the matches and reading as many roleplays posted on this board as you can. It will help you improve, as we all have room too.

[brandenharvey]

Sept 5, 2010 21:16:00 GMT -4 Eric Steel said:

Erm... I am real surprised that you used my character in a sample match without my permission.

Oops. I didn't even think about that. I apologize. It won't happen again.

[Eric Steel]

It's alright. I don't mind really, as long as you ask me next time you want to use me with permission, just PM me.

[brandenharvey]

Ok. I'l do that.

[Eric Steel]

Good call, but as I said with the match. It's good but it lacked in so many departments. It lacked to the point where it almost didn't make any type of sense.

[brandenharvey]

Sept 3, 2010 11:44:26 GMT -4 Mark Mania said:

But, you find me a wrestling match where someone whips out a knife, and I'll keep my mouth shut.

Look what I found:



It happens about halfway through the video.