Post by Jimmy The Lock on Jan 12, 2011 22:21:38 GMT -4
The scene opens in C.R.A.P's conference room. In just a few moments, a group of honor students from a nearby high school will be visiting C.R.A.P enterprises for a business seminar and for one of them, a possible summer internship opportunity will be available. Noah Riboflavin (C.R.A.P's current intern) feeling his job was in jeopardy, purposely misinformed James that they were "At risk youths" who need the "grim reality of prison life to be set straight". Unfortunately, no one on the staff (with the exception of James's brother Martin) has spent a day in jail. The door to the conference room creaks open, and Noah and Uncle Matthew walk in each carrying one end of what appears to be a large banner.
Noah: Now Uncle Matthew, when you ordered the banner, you had them put on it exactly what we told you, right?
Matthew: Hell yeah, boy! Whaddfuck ya thank i iz, stupid? Nigga i (unintelligible) with a stolen muffler in Pottery Barn!
Noah: Um...ok.
The two flip the banner over, roll it open, and then they place it on the wall. The banner reads
SCARED SCRAIT TWO THOUN' ELEMN
Noah shakes his head in disappointment.
Matthew: Well, i'm gunna goe down to da office and git changed. I'll be back in (unintelligible) than Whitney Houston on a vacation in Thailand.
Noah leaves the conference room and heads down to James's office. Upon entering the office, we see James reclined in a chair, with a female tattoo artist named Alisa going to work. We can't quite make out what she's doing.
Noah: You're getting tattoos for this?
James: Noah, i really don't think you grasp what we're going to be dealing with today. Today, we're going to be interacting with the worst of the worst. We're going to be face to face with the future convicts of America, and it's our job to turn them around. What is everyone's biggest fear about going to jail? The guy with all the tattoos that might shank them, and the guy with all the tattoos that's going to rape them.
Alisa: Okay, Mr. Chambers, all done.
When James stands up to show his tattoos, Noah's eyes bulge in shock.
James: How do i look? I went online today and googled prison tattoos.
James's new tattoos include a pair of devil horns on his forehead, the words "Cop Killa 187" on his neck, and most shockingly "WHITE POWER" on his chest. He turns around to reveal his back piece which reads "BROWN PRIDE".
James: Okay, Alisa, are we ready to do the rest?
Alisa: Actually, no, Jimmy. You're appointment was only set for two hours.
James: Well, I'll pay you to stay longer, but i really am supposed to be covered in tattoos for this! This kids won't take me seriously.
Alisa: Not my problem, Jimmy. I got a two o'clock i have to make.
Alisa gathers all her tools, and James pays her. She leaves and James rushes to the phone in a panic, and dials Biff Riboflavin.
James: BIFF! I need you up here! ASA--
Before James can hang up the phone, a chipper Biff Riboflavin bursts through the door of the office, chipper as always
Biff: At your service, Jimmy!
James pulls a wad of cash from his pockets and stuffs it into Biff's hands.
James: I need you to go out and get me as many of those lick and stick tattoos as you can get your hands on.
Biff: You want me to buy $150 worth of fake tattoos?
James: GO!
Biff zips out of the door and down the hallway.
One hour later.....
Biff has returned and helped James put on his tattoos. Now his are are covered in various Disney Character tattoos, Team Jacob tattoos, Strawberry Shortcake and my little pony. Biff has also used the rest of the tattoos on himself, including a mysterious "Blue Star" on his neck. Biff is also very twitchy and on edge. All the "convicts" (James, Biff, Uncle Matthew, and Martin) are positioned in the hallway in matching orange jumpsuits, anxiously awaiting the arrival of the students. James cell phone ringtone ("I Wanna Fuck Your Sister" by Too $hort) blares throughout the hallway as James answers.
James: Hello? Okay, thanks. Okay, everyone, that was Amina. The kids are here.
Uncle Matthew: Jimmeh? Whaddafuck ya doin'? Errbodda kno convicts aint got no damn sell fones!
James: Damn it, you're right!
Without thinking, James heaves his phone down the hallway, with the intention of the throwing it out of the window. Unfortunately, receptionist Ashley Tumbleston happens to be coming around the corner at the same time, and the phone nails her directly in the face. She drops to the floor unconscious, and Biff quickly drags her into a nearby broom closet.
Biff: We'll roll her in a rug and dump her in the river later, guys.
Confused looks fly, but Biff is unaffected. Just then the elevator dings. The honor students step off the elevator, clamoring about and the hallway is instantly filled with excited chatter. Just then
"SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP, MAN!"
The camera quickly pans around to see an uncharacteristically enraged Biff Riboflavin red faced and berating the students. The rest of the staff is taken aback by Biff's sudden outburst, but join in haranguing the students as well.
James: GET THE FUCK IN THIS ROOM FO' I KILL YA, LET'S GO!
Martin: HURRY Y'ALL SEXY ASSES UP!
Matthew: GET Y'ALL MUDDAFUCKIN' ASSES ON BEFOE I (unintelligible) DAVE GROHL WITH A CASSETTE TAPE!
The terrified students scuttle into the room with their tails between their legs and quickly seat themselves. The "convicts" follow them in as well, with Biff slamming the door so hard that it breaks off the hinges. A tense silence sweeps over the room, when one courageous student suddenly smiles, stands up and extends his hand to James.
Young Man: Hello Mr. Chambers, my name is Tyler Higgins, Class of 2011. I think i speak for all of us when i say thank you for the opportunity---
POW!
Biff Riboflavin slaps Tyler across the face with all his might, causing him to go literally go flying across the room into the laps of his fellow students. A red faced, veiny headed Biff kneels over a petrified Tyler, who now has a Riboflavin-sized hand print on his face.
Biff: YOU WILL SPEAK WHEN SPOKEN TO, BITCH! THIS IS MY HOUSE!
Tyler scuttles back to his seat, having apparently wet his pants in fear.
Biff: Now we can start this shit now, can't we?
The students are too terrified to answer.
Biff: Y'all gonna ignore me?!
Biff grabs one of the students, and pulls a prison shank from his pocket and jams it to her throat. James and the others rush to subdue Biff. The struggle continues as the scene instantly cuts to black with the words "Please Stand By" in white letters. About ten minutes later the screen switches to a shot of James on his office. He is seated at his desk, now wearing his usual business attire with his tattoos covered.
Ladies and gentlemen, but due to time constraints, we were forced to break our "Scared Straight" program into two portions, the other half will air later this week. But enough about that, let's talk about the reason why you all are here. You all want to hear my take on what happened on Asylum this week, the unwanted return of Ebon, and my budding rivalry with Bitch Cyrus. Well, there's not much to it. It turns out little baby Cyrus has been shooting his little trout mouth off about how he was robbed, even though everyone with eyes knows he's full of shit. Well Chris, since you want to believe that you were robbed, i gave you a reason to. I cost you the Tapout Championship, and to be honest, i don't feel bad about it. You don't like it? Don't worry, you'll have your opportunity for revenge soon.
But before i can deal with Chris Cyrus and his hurt feelings, i have to take care of a sucker punching little bitch named Ebon. Really, Ebon? The whole "masked man in the crowd" bit is really fucking tired. Haven't you pulled this same shit like, three different times? I don't even know why you're back, or what you want, but i promise this Sunday i am going to knock your ass back into obscurity once and for all. You got some fucking nerve, you little prick, sticking your narrow little nose in my business. Don't worry, because I'm going to make an example out of you for all the rest of those little scamps in the back who think that attacking James Chambers from behind is a ticket to the main event.
You wanted your shot? Well, you got it. How unfortunate is it that the most significant main event you've ever been involved in your entire miserable fucking career is going to be the last? You should have kept your day job, because now you're entrenched in a whole heap of shit that you can't get yourself out of. You must be out of your mind to think that you could ever in one thousand years fuck with me. Your actions on this past Asylum have proving nothing more than the fact that you're a jealous little bitch. While i was on my meteoric rise in EWC, you were still scampering for peanuts on the undercard with the likes of Maddog, for fuck's sake! It's got to be killing you inside that i did more in six months than you've done in your entire life, isn't it?
Well, come this Sunday, respect goes out the window. The gloves come off, but the fists will be taped, so you don't have to worry about that. You want to slug it out? Fine, nothing would delight me more than to knock those gnarled little stumps of baked bean you call teeth down your scrawny little throat. In short, I'm going to make you my bitch, and there's nothing you can do about it. You want to be a star? Well, keep looking into the night sky, because that's as close as you'll ever come to being one. You better enjoy the ass whipping while it lasts, because this is it. This is the closest you'll come to the IWC Insane Championship. In fact, this is probably the last main event you will ever see. You can say what you want, and you can do your little tough guy routine all day until you're blue in the face, but that's not going to stop the inevitable, like it or not.
The sad thing is, you're too stupid and arrogant to see that you've fucked up big time. You've always been that way, going around doing any and everything you want, and up until now, you've been able to get away with it. But now it's going to cost you in so many ways, your feeble little mind can't even begin to fathom what's about to come down on your head. Just as quick as you poked your head out of whatever shithole you came from, you'll be going back. You're done, Ebon. There is no New Dawn for you, just your habit of being a thoughtless animal dying hard.
And Chris Cyrus, you better be watching, because what i just said to Ebitch goes double for you. After I'm done wiping the mat with his sorry ass, you're next. And as for the rest of you in the back who think that what Ebon did was cool, watch and learn, because that's what's going to happen to any one of you who tries to make your name off of attacking me. Please think I'm bluffing, I'm begging you, because when it comes down to it, you can heed my warnings or not, but i can show you better than i can tell you.
Fade To Black
Noah: Now Uncle Matthew, when you ordered the banner, you had them put on it exactly what we told you, right?
Matthew: Hell yeah, boy! Whaddfuck ya thank i iz, stupid? Nigga i (unintelligible) with a stolen muffler in Pottery Barn!
Noah: Um...ok.
The two flip the banner over, roll it open, and then they place it on the wall. The banner reads
SCARED SCRAIT TWO THOUN' ELEMN
Noah shakes his head in disappointment.
Matthew: Well, i'm gunna goe down to da office and git changed. I'll be back in (unintelligible) than Whitney Houston on a vacation in Thailand.
Noah leaves the conference room and heads down to James's office. Upon entering the office, we see James reclined in a chair, with a female tattoo artist named Alisa going to work. We can't quite make out what she's doing.
Noah: You're getting tattoos for this?
James: Noah, i really don't think you grasp what we're going to be dealing with today. Today, we're going to be interacting with the worst of the worst. We're going to be face to face with the future convicts of America, and it's our job to turn them around. What is everyone's biggest fear about going to jail? The guy with all the tattoos that might shank them, and the guy with all the tattoos that's going to rape them.
Alisa: Okay, Mr. Chambers, all done.
When James stands up to show his tattoos, Noah's eyes bulge in shock.
James: How do i look? I went online today and googled prison tattoos.
James's new tattoos include a pair of devil horns on his forehead, the words "Cop Killa 187" on his neck, and most shockingly "WHITE POWER" on his chest. He turns around to reveal his back piece which reads "BROWN PRIDE".
James: Okay, Alisa, are we ready to do the rest?
Alisa: Actually, no, Jimmy. You're appointment was only set for two hours.
James: Well, I'll pay you to stay longer, but i really am supposed to be covered in tattoos for this! This kids won't take me seriously.
Alisa: Not my problem, Jimmy. I got a two o'clock i have to make.
Alisa gathers all her tools, and James pays her. She leaves and James rushes to the phone in a panic, and dials Biff Riboflavin.
James: BIFF! I need you up here! ASA--
Before James can hang up the phone, a chipper Biff Riboflavin bursts through the door of the office, chipper as always
Biff: At your service, Jimmy!
James pulls a wad of cash from his pockets and stuffs it into Biff's hands.
James: I need you to go out and get me as many of those lick and stick tattoos as you can get your hands on.
Biff: You want me to buy $150 worth of fake tattoos?
James: GO!
Biff zips out of the door and down the hallway.
One hour later.....
Biff has returned and helped James put on his tattoos. Now his are are covered in various Disney Character tattoos, Team Jacob tattoos, Strawberry Shortcake and my little pony. Biff has also used the rest of the tattoos on himself, including a mysterious "Blue Star" on his neck. Biff is also very twitchy and on edge. All the "convicts" (James, Biff, Uncle Matthew, and Martin) are positioned in the hallway in matching orange jumpsuits, anxiously awaiting the arrival of the students. James cell phone ringtone ("I Wanna Fuck Your Sister" by Too $hort) blares throughout the hallway as James answers.
James: Hello? Okay, thanks. Okay, everyone, that was Amina. The kids are here.
Uncle Matthew: Jimmeh? Whaddafuck ya doin'? Errbodda kno convicts aint got no damn sell fones!
James: Damn it, you're right!
Without thinking, James heaves his phone down the hallway, with the intention of the throwing it out of the window. Unfortunately, receptionist Ashley Tumbleston happens to be coming around the corner at the same time, and the phone nails her directly in the face. She drops to the floor unconscious, and Biff quickly drags her into a nearby broom closet.
Biff: We'll roll her in a rug and dump her in the river later, guys.
Confused looks fly, but Biff is unaffected. Just then the elevator dings. The honor students step off the elevator, clamoring about and the hallway is instantly filled with excited chatter. Just then
"SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP, MAN!"
The camera quickly pans around to see an uncharacteristically enraged Biff Riboflavin red faced and berating the students. The rest of the staff is taken aback by Biff's sudden outburst, but join in haranguing the students as well.
James: GET THE FUCK IN THIS ROOM FO' I KILL YA, LET'S GO!
Martin: HURRY Y'ALL SEXY ASSES UP!
Matthew: GET Y'ALL MUDDAFUCKIN' ASSES ON BEFOE I (unintelligible) DAVE GROHL WITH A CASSETTE TAPE!
The terrified students scuttle into the room with their tails between their legs and quickly seat themselves. The "convicts" follow them in as well, with Biff slamming the door so hard that it breaks off the hinges. A tense silence sweeps over the room, when one courageous student suddenly smiles, stands up and extends his hand to James.
Young Man: Hello Mr. Chambers, my name is Tyler Higgins, Class of 2011. I think i speak for all of us when i say thank you for the opportunity---
POW!
Biff Riboflavin slaps Tyler across the face with all his might, causing him to go literally go flying across the room into the laps of his fellow students. A red faced, veiny headed Biff kneels over a petrified Tyler, who now has a Riboflavin-sized hand print on his face.
Biff: YOU WILL SPEAK WHEN SPOKEN TO, BITCH! THIS IS MY HOUSE!
Tyler scuttles back to his seat, having apparently wet his pants in fear.
Biff: Now we can start this shit now, can't we?
The students are too terrified to answer.
Biff: Y'all gonna ignore me?!
Biff grabs one of the students, and pulls a prison shank from his pocket and jams it to her throat. James and the others rush to subdue Biff. The struggle continues as the scene instantly cuts to black with the words "Please Stand By" in white letters. About ten minutes later the screen switches to a shot of James on his office. He is seated at his desk, now wearing his usual business attire with his tattoos covered.
Ladies and gentlemen, but due to time constraints, we were forced to break our "Scared Straight" program into two portions, the other half will air later this week. But enough about that, let's talk about the reason why you all are here. You all want to hear my take on what happened on Asylum this week, the unwanted return of Ebon, and my budding rivalry with Bitch Cyrus. Well, there's not much to it. It turns out little baby Cyrus has been shooting his little trout mouth off about how he was robbed, even though everyone with eyes knows he's full of shit. Well Chris, since you want to believe that you were robbed, i gave you a reason to. I cost you the Tapout Championship, and to be honest, i don't feel bad about it. You don't like it? Don't worry, you'll have your opportunity for revenge soon.
But before i can deal with Chris Cyrus and his hurt feelings, i have to take care of a sucker punching little bitch named Ebon. Really, Ebon? The whole "masked man in the crowd" bit is really fucking tired. Haven't you pulled this same shit like, three different times? I don't even know why you're back, or what you want, but i promise this Sunday i am going to knock your ass back into obscurity once and for all. You got some fucking nerve, you little prick, sticking your narrow little nose in my business. Don't worry, because I'm going to make an example out of you for all the rest of those little scamps in the back who think that attacking James Chambers from behind is a ticket to the main event.
You wanted your shot? Well, you got it. How unfortunate is it that the most significant main event you've ever been involved in your entire miserable fucking career is going to be the last? You should have kept your day job, because now you're entrenched in a whole heap of shit that you can't get yourself out of. You must be out of your mind to think that you could ever in one thousand years fuck with me. Your actions on this past Asylum have proving nothing more than the fact that you're a jealous little bitch. While i was on my meteoric rise in EWC, you were still scampering for peanuts on the undercard with the likes of Maddog, for fuck's sake! It's got to be killing you inside that i did more in six months than you've done in your entire life, isn't it?
Well, come this Sunday, respect goes out the window. The gloves come off, but the fists will be taped, so you don't have to worry about that. You want to slug it out? Fine, nothing would delight me more than to knock those gnarled little stumps of baked bean you call teeth down your scrawny little throat. In short, I'm going to make you my bitch, and there's nothing you can do about it. You want to be a star? Well, keep looking into the night sky, because that's as close as you'll ever come to being one. You better enjoy the ass whipping while it lasts, because this is it. This is the closest you'll come to the IWC Insane Championship. In fact, this is probably the last main event you will ever see. You can say what you want, and you can do your little tough guy routine all day until you're blue in the face, but that's not going to stop the inevitable, like it or not.
The sad thing is, you're too stupid and arrogant to see that you've fucked up big time. You've always been that way, going around doing any and everything you want, and up until now, you've been able to get away with it. But now it's going to cost you in so many ways, your feeble little mind can't even begin to fathom what's about to come down on your head. Just as quick as you poked your head out of whatever shithole you came from, you'll be going back. You're done, Ebon. There is no New Dawn for you, just your habit of being a thoughtless animal dying hard.
And Chris Cyrus, you better be watching, because what i just said to Ebitch goes double for you. After I'm done wiping the mat with his sorry ass, you're next. And as for the rest of you in the back who think that what Ebon did was cool, watch and learn, because that's what's going to happen to any one of you who tries to make your name off of attacking me. Please think I'm bluffing, I'm begging you, because when it comes down to it, you can heed my warnings or not, but i can show you better than i can tell you.
Fade To Black