Post by Kid Dynamo on Dec 28, 2011 18:20:21 GMT -4
NOTE FROM THE HANDLER: Neither I, nor Kid Dynamo, have anything against Dan Quinn. I just wanted to have a target for my intro promo, and, seeing as how he was nice enough to post his own intro cut, I felt like that’d be better than some random onslaught against champs the likes of whom I am almost definitely not going to be fighting to start out.
So, Dan, please take no offense, and, if you do, then at least attack me backstage at Asylum or something. Nothing like an interesting feud between two debuting wrestlers trying to get the chance to climb a ladder instead of taking a chute.
END OF NOTE
Allow me to introduce myself. I am THE NARRATOR. See, I have had a problem for years. Wrestlers tend to cut some crazy storylines in their promos, and, while that makes for some damn fine entertainment, it fails to address some common things like “why would a guy let a cameraman of any kind film him doing a drug deal, or having sex with someone, or assaulting another person, etc etc” or “how do you know what this guy is thinking when, well, you aren’t a telepath?”.
I am the answer to all of these concerns, and I am just as much a character as anyone else. After all, no one does the “scene open, talk trash, scene close” promo anymore, right? Right? (sigh) Crap...
So, anyways, the scene opens up in a corner office with a view. The camera pans around, and notices a couple of plaques on a mantle:
Finally, the pan hits the door, with the words: “KID DYNAMO” Brad Christopher, NEW CEO. For the all of you out of the loop, NEW refers to New Era Wrestling, Christopher’s fourth endeavor into running a wrestling promotion. You can imagine how well it’s doing seeing as how it’s the fourth time.
A man walks in to the office, followed immediately by our hero.
I am just out of ideas is all I’m saying. I don’t want you to spend all of your hard-earned money trying to keep a sinking ship afloat.
Sinking? I just don’t get it! Versus has agreed to a 1-year TV contract to run our weekly shows, and people are loving CSJ like nobody’s business!
(sigh) Yeah, that’s the problem. The IWC is posting reports that Cameron is accepting a contract with another place. A bigger place. A place that already has a TV deal.
He’s denying it, right?
.....
Well, even so, we have McCray, Cyan, hell, I’ll go out there and be a moneymaker if I have to!
Brad, you need to let this go. It’s about to be 2012, and these guys can all still sign contracts for next year and other places and make good use of their youth and maybe make a shot at the big leagues. You have a lot of talent here, but, well, it’s a really bad time to be a start-up promotion right now. If you aren’t established, you can’t get on TV, and if you aren’t on TV, then you aren’t making money and you will fail. You just have to accept that.
...fine. Send the word out. They’ll still get paid through the end of the year, and let them all know they are getting thirty days severance; their current rate, pro-rated to extend until January 31st.
It’s just...it’s a damn shame. These guys love fighting each other, and I was really liking getting to go out there and do my thing again.
You know...you still can.
Can what? Start over, at this point in the game?
Well...yeah. You’re only 32, 33 in February. This isn’t the NFL or some sport where the athletes are TRYING to injure each other, it’s wrestling. You’ve got a decade before you can start belittling yourself with “washed-up” and all those terms.
And don’t even start about your neck. You know you would not have been allowed to step it that NEW ring at all if your experimental repair didn’t get cleared by our elite medical staff...which of course included your wife
EX-wife.
Umm...you still haven’t signed the forms yet. “I lost them” doesn’t really hold up in court.
(sigh) I don’t even know why the courts have to be involved.
Umm...because you are still a multi-millionaire and she’s got her student loans from med school to pay off.
So, I’ll write her a check.
Umm...and there’s those children of yours. They’ll probably need, you know, a father in their lives still.
(huff) I don’t want to talk about them anymore. I just want to start clearing out this office. If NEW is going down, then I guess the sooner we can get out of this lease and get this off of my books, the better.
That was about four months ago. Since then, Kid Dynamo has finalized his divorce - she totally got full custody; it wasn’t even close - and pitched himself to a lot of different places, hoping to leverage a deal. Yeah, it turns out that every place Dynamo ever wrestled in - MVW, wXw, FWF, ASW, xW, OWF, GCW/XWA, and GCWA - all closed their doors since when Dynamo left. So, yeah, that whole “start over” thing...yeah, that’s where we are.
So, as your personal DVR, let’s fast forward through Dynamo’s miserable drunken binge at being completely forgotten about since his best days as a wrestler so far were in 2000 and he hasn’t even wrestled in a place he didn’t own since 2009, and hasn’t been in a title fight since 2007. Yeah, all that. And we’ll also skip him working himself back into shape when he actually got a call-back from Action Packed Wrestling.
Ah yes, now that I have burned about half of my word limit, here we are at present day. While APW’s Overdrive has been on vacation since December 1st, the House Shows have continued, albeit at a reduced rate. Nevertheless, people are getting a chance to see their favorite stars, plus some undercard matches featuring some of the new guys. What’s most important is that at the House Shows are a crew of cameramen, so, lets say a debuting star wants to cut his own intro promo...
But a locker room is a cliche place to cut a promo. So is the boiler room. The bathroom is kinda creepy, and the roof, yeah’s that’s been done to death. Well, come to think of it, there’s nowhere inside of this arena - to include the ring - that hasn’t been the home of over a million promos by various wrestlers over the years.
So, since everywhere is a terrible place to promo, then I guess the locker room it is. Just ignore all of the other people’s duffel bags.
Our hero stands tall, well six feet tall, and has open space where he will no doubt start pacing around as he talks. Prepare to be mystified! Or at least something not thesaurically related to “bored”.
Ladies and gentlemen who spend varying portions of their life watching Action Packed Wrestling, I would like to introduce myself. My name is Kid Dynamo. And let me get the usual stuff out of the way. I had a rough childhood that I overcame, showing my true grit and never-say-quit attitude. I have had copious amounts of success attached to my name over my thirteen-year career, to include being inducted into the Wrestling Hall of Fame in 2000 after being one of the Top 5 wrestlers of the year. I have been World Champ, US Champ, Hardcore Champ, Cruiserweight Champ, U.S. Tag Team Champ, Network Champ, and I was screwed out of being the Platinum Championship because the owner of xW wanted to keep the title on Kevin Jones for the pay-per-view six days later.
So, in other words, I am exactly like every other rookie to ever come into a wrestling promotion.
So far.
See, I want to clarify something right away. I am not your average wrestler. To the point of it being a fault, I separate myself from the masses as much as I possibly can. I call myself “The End of the World” because I do seek to create sweeping change wherever I go. It is not enough for me to simply be the best at a place; it is my mission to turn every place I go into the greatest conglomerate of professional wrestling that has ever or will ever exist. See, I’m not here as the E-W to destroy APW; I’m here to baptize it. Even a successful long-running place like APW is full of repetitive nonsense being accepted as professional wrestling. The baseline continues to shift as we accept dumber and dumber promos and continually simplified wrestling as the way things are.
That ends now. I will always bring my A-game, and I will cause others who face me to do the same. Every match I fight, every promo I cut, will be my attempt at creating the best of such ever witnessed, because YOU (points at the camera) DESERVE IT. You pay your money, you spend your time, and you submit yourself to be immersed in a world where good and evil are clearly defined and wage war every week, where people can put on some wrestling gear and become superheroes and supervillians, where an arena full of fans chanting a person’s name can allow them to get up after the most vicious of beatings and somehow continue to fight. This is not about a paycheck because I have enough money to live, and I have enough experience to get a cushy analyst job for one of the myriad wrestling websites out there. This is not about titles because as much as APW matters to me, nothing will mean more than my first World Title. This is about the fans. I am here because I want the fans to stand up and cheer when they hear my music or my voice or they see that I am about to end another match the way I have ended matches for 13 years...with the Hangover.
So who will my first victim be? I’ll hazard a guess that it will be a fellow who is also entering APW at the same time, who is also in the building today as he is trying to get his name mentioned as the next big deal here in APW. His name is Dan Quinn.
Dan, this is called being in the wrong place at the wrong time, because, well, I have randomly chosen to try and destroy your career. Who knows? Tomorrow I may find out I have a different opponent and I will shift towards them, but, until that happens, why not you and I have a little squabble and get some people’s attention?
The first thing I noticed about you is your nickname: “The British Brawler”. Two things stick out in my mind. You are almost definitely primed to play the anti-America card. It’s nice, it’s a great way to get noticed, but it’s a sign of a lack of creativity. Oh wait, I missed the OTHER glaring sign that you don’t have a lot of wrestling skills locked up in that old brain of yours. BRAWLER. Brawler is a wrestling term that almost always means “I’m an idiot who never actually learned how to wrestle so I just punch people until they fall down”. Prove me wrong, Dan. Next time you get in the ring, show me some basic wrestling moves. Something people would learn their first week of a wrestling class. Give me a suplex or a hip toss or maybe even a submission move other than twisting a guy’s head until he taps or his neck breaks. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure punches, kicks and stuff are useful in a wrestling ring against another brawler, but if you dare to get in the ring against me, you better have something up your sleeve I haven’t seen a hundred times before, because I have learned how to counter any move that has ever been landed against me. I won’t say I counter them every time, but don’t insult my intelligence with a “brawler’s arsenal”. I, like every other trained wrestler, run circles around brawlers for a reason.
Oh, GOOD LORD, do NOT tell me you introduced yourself in a gym, Dan! I mean, I’m pissed off that I find myself in a standard wrestling arena locker room introducing myself, but I wanted to get this professionally published by people paid by APW to make its performers look good. You, on the other hand, are going the freestyle route, which is great. Once I can get a cameraman signed out to me, that’s the route I like to follow as well. BUT A GYM?!? I mean, at least you weren’t showing off how many pull-ups you could do. Nothing like the camera opening up to a guy starting the count at 75.
And, OF COURSE we have to get the sob story of your terrible childhood. Listen, Dairy Queen - and like THAT I have given this guy a nickname he will get called for the rest of his career - we all had troubled childhoods. It takes an especially messed-up person to want to enter a career where you get slammed into an unforgiving canvas if you’re lucky, and concrete and steel when you aren’t, and accept peanuts for pay for years hoping to get lucky. So don’t even bother. You get no sympathy from me and you get no sympathy from anyone. And you don’t score any intimidation points either. I’m quite simply not impressed. You want to intimidate me? Go beat Johnny Rebel in under five minutes. Go make Nate Havok tap out before they can even cut to commercial break. Oh wait. I forgot, you don’t have the wrestling know-how to get a guy to submit.
So you want a challenge, huh? THAT is why you are here? Well, consider me your test. Try to get one by “The Legacy” and see how you feel about needing a challenge. Why am I “The Legacy”? Because I have been doing this for a long, long time. I’m still 32, so I got plenty left in the tank, but that doesn’t mean I’m green. No sir. Not only that, but I have been in the yard of the best of the best. I have been on TV. I have fought for and won World Titles, and most importantly, I was a part of wrestling’s Golden Era. Late 90’s, early double-oughts, THAT was the time to be a professional wrestler. Popularity was at an all-time high and the best wrestlers that will ever grace us were the ones headlining the shows. There will NEVER be people as good on the microphone as them. There will NEVER be wrestlers more gifted in the ring than them. And I was one of them. I was inducted into the Hall of Fame alongside these icons. I was voted BY MY PEERS as the fourth best wrestler PERIOD in 2000. Not just in the place I was working, but in the ENTIRE WORLD. “Legacy” is simply defined as something the past gives to the future. I am the gift from the past. I am a torch-bearer of the greatest generation in pro wrestling history, and I’m STILL young enough and good enough to keep it going. I’m not a washed-up guy trying to help establish the new generation, I AM AN INVASION upon this generation, and Dairy Queen, if you want to be tested, well then that’s the test you are going to have to face.
Now, I have to say, you are laying it on EXTRA-THICK with this “All I do is injure people” crap. That also shows how green you truly are. If you think me or anyone else in APW is worried that you are going to bash our teeth in or make us bleed to death or “rearrange our face”, then you are even more idiotic than I thought. This isn’t “Wrestler Deathmatch”, or some back alley where the winner gets the meth, this is a professional wrestling ring. This is a sport. Do the Yankees and Red Sox play until someone dies? No. They play until someone wins. That’s what I do. So, go ahead, try and punch me in the face one more time instead of going for that pinfall. Go ahead and climb out of the ring and continue the beatdown instead of waiting for that countout. Go ahead and get yourself disqualified because you hold a chokehold past the five-count. See how many “chances to fight” you get then. Besides, you are talking to “The Ambassador of Creative Violence”. So your weak excuses of a wrestling repertoire will not even succeed even if you WERE trying to kill me. Come at me with a baseball bat and watch as I connect with a drop toe hold that sees you land face-first right on it. Come at me with brass knuckles and, when I duck, you can turn around right into a Nothing Left superkick. Leave the ring to go get a steel chair and when you come back, I’ll be HAPPY to spin-kick it into your head. Dairy Queen, if you forget where you are - in America, in a wrestling ring - you will lose to me ten times out of ten. You want to tell me that you can hit me with the right combination of moves that will surprise me and cause me to be stunned long enough for you to hit some of your signature offense and knock me out for three seconds? Sure, I’ll buy that, it may even happen. But the moment you try and turn this into an injury contest, you will find out how easy it is to lose in this business. In other words, Dairy, you’re trying WAY too hard and it’s just not working.
Oh wait, there it is. You just waited until the scene CLOSED to show off your exquisite bench press. Your level of restraint was almost impressive. See, in America, we would call all of this - the gym, the overdone “injure people” nonsense, the bench press - “overcompensation”. See, that’s when a guy is sorely lacking in some area so he tries to hide it. I’m guessing that you are hiding the fact that you really are soft. You are probably one of those guys who desperately hopes to land the first punch because he can’t take the second one. You are just hoping that you can intimidate someone into playing hit-and-run offense so you don’t get too hurt. Well, call this calling your bluff. If Prez Jeff seizes this opportunity to sign us to a “winner gets a shot and one of the lesser championship belts” match, then I hope you are ready for someone who is not intimidated by you and will come right at you. That isn’t to say that I am just gonna scream a war cry then run at you; THAT would be stupid. But, I’m NOT playing hit-and-run against a 260-pound wannabe monster. I’m NOT playing conservative against a green rookie who probably couldn’t do a suplex if Wikipedia was describing it on the big screen during the match. I’m going to come right at you and let you walk into some technical counters the likes of which a Light Heavyweight like me can effortlessly perform, then ground you with some submission moves to slow you down and give you some nagging pain, then start to wear down your neck and shoulders so that, when the time is right, I can drop a Hangover on you or lock you in the CTO. And, you know what? For you, I’m DEFINITELY thinking CTO, because I would LOVE to make a macho man like you beg the ref to end that match. See, CTO stands for “Can’t Tap Out” because, simply, both of your arms are firmly locked in a very painful position and, well, you can’t tap out. To be released, you literally have to verbally instruct the ref that you are quitting. A guy can call a tapout a reflex action, but there’s nothing reflex about screaming “Yes, I submit! Make him stop! End the match!” THAT, my friend, is intimidation. THAT, my friend, is how you get people to flinch when they are pitted against you. Too bad you couldn’t perform a submission move if you tried.
Guys like this are exactly the reason why I am here, APW. This IS the Rapture for this generation. The weak will be discarded and the strong will be elevated until people can actually compare this generation to the one before it. So, for those who are with me, this is the dawn of another golden age for APW and all of wrestling. For guys like Dairy Queen...
I AM THE END 0F THE W0RLD!!!
Dynamo walks over to his bag an pulls out an iPhone and a speaker. He connects them then sets the speaker down. After thumbing through the phone, he lands on something...
...“I Get It” by Chevelle starts to play from the speaker. Dynamo sets the phone down, and holds up his left hand to make an E and his right hand to make a W for the camera. Yes, this is the most corny thing he has ever done in his career, but you at least have to swim with the fishes a little before they realize you are the shark.
Dynamo continues to hold up this “End 0f the W0rld” sign with Chevelle in the background, and as the scene slowly fades to black, a message streams across the screen:
“Follow Kid Dynamo on twitter @kiddynamoapw! Welcome “The Legacy” back or remind him why he should have stayed gone!”
So, Dan, please take no offense, and, if you do, then at least attack me backstage at Asylum or something. Nothing like an interesting feud between two debuting wrestlers trying to get the chance to climb a ladder instead of taking a chute.
END OF NOTE
Allow me to introduce myself. I am THE NARRATOR. See, I have had a problem for years. Wrestlers tend to cut some crazy storylines in their promos, and, while that makes for some damn fine entertainment, it fails to address some common things like “why would a guy let a cameraman of any kind film him doing a drug deal, or having sex with someone, or assaulting another person, etc etc” or “how do you know what this guy is thinking when, well, you aren’t a telepath?”.
I am the answer to all of these concerns, and I am just as much a character as anyone else. After all, no one does the “scene open, talk trash, scene close” promo anymore, right? Right? (sigh) Crap...
So, anyways, the scene opens up in a corner office with a view. The camera pans around, and notices a couple of plaques on a mantle:
Finally, the pan hits the door, with the words: “KID DYNAMO” Brad Christopher, NEW CEO. For the all of you out of the loop, NEW refers to New Era Wrestling, Christopher’s fourth endeavor into running a wrestling promotion. You can imagine how well it’s doing seeing as how it’s the fourth time.
A man walks in to the office, followed immediately by our hero.
I am just out of ideas is all I’m saying. I don’t want you to spend all of your hard-earned money trying to keep a sinking ship afloat.
Sinking? I just don’t get it! Versus has agreed to a 1-year TV contract to run our weekly shows, and people are loving CSJ like nobody’s business!
(sigh) Yeah, that’s the problem. The IWC is posting reports that Cameron is accepting a contract with another place. A bigger place. A place that already has a TV deal.
He’s denying it, right?
.....
Well, even so, we have McCray, Cyan, hell, I’ll go out there and be a moneymaker if I have to!
Brad, you need to let this go. It’s about to be 2012, and these guys can all still sign contracts for next year and other places and make good use of their youth and maybe make a shot at the big leagues. You have a lot of talent here, but, well, it’s a really bad time to be a start-up promotion right now. If you aren’t established, you can’t get on TV, and if you aren’t on TV, then you aren’t making money and you will fail. You just have to accept that.
...fine. Send the word out. They’ll still get paid through the end of the year, and let them all know they are getting thirty days severance; their current rate, pro-rated to extend until January 31st.
It’s just...it’s a damn shame. These guys love fighting each other, and I was really liking getting to go out there and do my thing again.
You know...you still can.
Can what? Start over, at this point in the game?
Well...yeah. You’re only 32, 33 in February. This isn’t the NFL or some sport where the athletes are TRYING to injure each other, it’s wrestling. You’ve got a decade before you can start belittling yourself with “washed-up” and all those terms.
And don’t even start about your neck. You know you would not have been allowed to step it that NEW ring at all if your experimental repair didn’t get cleared by our elite medical staff...which of course included your wife
EX-wife.
Umm...you still haven’t signed the forms yet. “I lost them” doesn’t really hold up in court.
(sigh) I don’t even know why the courts have to be involved.
Umm...because you are still a multi-millionaire and she’s got her student loans from med school to pay off.
So, I’ll write her a check.
Umm...and there’s those children of yours. They’ll probably need, you know, a father in their lives still.
(huff) I don’t want to talk about them anymore. I just want to start clearing out this office. If NEW is going down, then I guess the sooner we can get out of this lease and get this off of my books, the better.
That was about four months ago. Since then, Kid Dynamo has finalized his divorce - she totally got full custody; it wasn’t even close - and pitched himself to a lot of different places, hoping to leverage a deal. Yeah, it turns out that every place Dynamo ever wrestled in - MVW, wXw, FWF, ASW, xW, OWF, GCW/XWA, and GCWA - all closed their doors since when Dynamo left. So, yeah, that whole “start over” thing...yeah, that’s where we are.
So, as your personal DVR, let’s fast forward through Dynamo’s miserable drunken binge at being completely forgotten about since his best days as a wrestler so far were in 2000 and he hasn’t even wrestled in a place he didn’t own since 2009, and hasn’t been in a title fight since 2007. Yeah, all that. And we’ll also skip him working himself back into shape when he actually got a call-back from Action Packed Wrestling.
Ah yes, now that I have burned about half of my word limit, here we are at present day. While APW’s Overdrive has been on vacation since December 1st, the House Shows have continued, albeit at a reduced rate. Nevertheless, people are getting a chance to see their favorite stars, plus some undercard matches featuring some of the new guys. What’s most important is that at the House Shows are a crew of cameramen, so, lets say a debuting star wants to cut his own intro promo...
But a locker room is a cliche place to cut a promo. So is the boiler room. The bathroom is kinda creepy, and the roof, yeah’s that’s been done to death. Well, come to think of it, there’s nowhere inside of this arena - to include the ring - that hasn’t been the home of over a million promos by various wrestlers over the years.
So, since everywhere is a terrible place to promo, then I guess the locker room it is. Just ignore all of the other people’s duffel bags.
Our hero stands tall, well six feet tall, and has open space where he will no doubt start pacing around as he talks. Prepare to be mystified! Or at least something not thesaurically related to “bored”.
Ladies and gentlemen who spend varying portions of their life watching Action Packed Wrestling, I would like to introduce myself. My name is Kid Dynamo. And let me get the usual stuff out of the way. I had a rough childhood that I overcame, showing my true grit and never-say-quit attitude. I have had copious amounts of success attached to my name over my thirteen-year career, to include being inducted into the Wrestling Hall of Fame in 2000 after being one of the Top 5 wrestlers of the year. I have been World Champ, US Champ, Hardcore Champ, Cruiserweight Champ, U.S. Tag Team Champ, Network Champ, and I was screwed out of being the Platinum Championship because the owner of xW wanted to keep the title on Kevin Jones for the pay-per-view six days later.
So, in other words, I am exactly like every other rookie to ever come into a wrestling promotion.
So far.
See, I want to clarify something right away. I am not your average wrestler. To the point of it being a fault, I separate myself from the masses as much as I possibly can. I call myself “The End of the World” because I do seek to create sweeping change wherever I go. It is not enough for me to simply be the best at a place; it is my mission to turn every place I go into the greatest conglomerate of professional wrestling that has ever or will ever exist. See, I’m not here as the E-W to destroy APW; I’m here to baptize it. Even a successful long-running place like APW is full of repetitive nonsense being accepted as professional wrestling. The baseline continues to shift as we accept dumber and dumber promos and continually simplified wrestling as the way things are.
That ends now. I will always bring my A-game, and I will cause others who face me to do the same. Every match I fight, every promo I cut, will be my attempt at creating the best of such ever witnessed, because YOU (points at the camera) DESERVE IT. You pay your money, you spend your time, and you submit yourself to be immersed in a world where good and evil are clearly defined and wage war every week, where people can put on some wrestling gear and become superheroes and supervillians, where an arena full of fans chanting a person’s name can allow them to get up after the most vicious of beatings and somehow continue to fight. This is not about a paycheck because I have enough money to live, and I have enough experience to get a cushy analyst job for one of the myriad wrestling websites out there. This is not about titles because as much as APW matters to me, nothing will mean more than my first World Title. This is about the fans. I am here because I want the fans to stand up and cheer when they hear my music or my voice or they see that I am about to end another match the way I have ended matches for 13 years...with the Hangover.
So who will my first victim be? I’ll hazard a guess that it will be a fellow who is also entering APW at the same time, who is also in the building today as he is trying to get his name mentioned as the next big deal here in APW. His name is Dan Quinn.
Dan, this is called being in the wrong place at the wrong time, because, well, I have randomly chosen to try and destroy your career. Who knows? Tomorrow I may find out I have a different opponent and I will shift towards them, but, until that happens, why not you and I have a little squabble and get some people’s attention?
The first thing I noticed about you is your nickname: “The British Brawler”. Two things stick out in my mind. You are almost definitely primed to play the anti-America card. It’s nice, it’s a great way to get noticed, but it’s a sign of a lack of creativity. Oh wait, I missed the OTHER glaring sign that you don’t have a lot of wrestling skills locked up in that old brain of yours. BRAWLER. Brawler is a wrestling term that almost always means “I’m an idiot who never actually learned how to wrestle so I just punch people until they fall down”. Prove me wrong, Dan. Next time you get in the ring, show me some basic wrestling moves. Something people would learn their first week of a wrestling class. Give me a suplex or a hip toss or maybe even a submission move other than twisting a guy’s head until he taps or his neck breaks. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure punches, kicks and stuff are useful in a wrestling ring against another brawler, but if you dare to get in the ring against me, you better have something up your sleeve I haven’t seen a hundred times before, because I have learned how to counter any move that has ever been landed against me. I won’t say I counter them every time, but don’t insult my intelligence with a “brawler’s arsenal”. I, like every other trained wrestler, run circles around brawlers for a reason.
Oh, GOOD LORD, do NOT tell me you introduced yourself in a gym, Dan! I mean, I’m pissed off that I find myself in a standard wrestling arena locker room introducing myself, but I wanted to get this professionally published by people paid by APW to make its performers look good. You, on the other hand, are going the freestyle route, which is great. Once I can get a cameraman signed out to me, that’s the route I like to follow as well. BUT A GYM?!? I mean, at least you weren’t showing off how many pull-ups you could do. Nothing like the camera opening up to a guy starting the count at 75.
And, OF COURSE we have to get the sob story of your terrible childhood. Listen, Dairy Queen - and like THAT I have given this guy a nickname he will get called for the rest of his career - we all had troubled childhoods. It takes an especially messed-up person to want to enter a career where you get slammed into an unforgiving canvas if you’re lucky, and concrete and steel when you aren’t, and accept peanuts for pay for years hoping to get lucky. So don’t even bother. You get no sympathy from me and you get no sympathy from anyone. And you don’t score any intimidation points either. I’m quite simply not impressed. You want to intimidate me? Go beat Johnny Rebel in under five minutes. Go make Nate Havok tap out before they can even cut to commercial break. Oh wait. I forgot, you don’t have the wrestling know-how to get a guy to submit.
So you want a challenge, huh? THAT is why you are here? Well, consider me your test. Try to get one by “The Legacy” and see how you feel about needing a challenge. Why am I “The Legacy”? Because I have been doing this for a long, long time. I’m still 32, so I got plenty left in the tank, but that doesn’t mean I’m green. No sir. Not only that, but I have been in the yard of the best of the best. I have been on TV. I have fought for and won World Titles, and most importantly, I was a part of wrestling’s Golden Era. Late 90’s, early double-oughts, THAT was the time to be a professional wrestler. Popularity was at an all-time high and the best wrestlers that will ever grace us were the ones headlining the shows. There will NEVER be people as good on the microphone as them. There will NEVER be wrestlers more gifted in the ring than them. And I was one of them. I was inducted into the Hall of Fame alongside these icons. I was voted BY MY PEERS as the fourth best wrestler PERIOD in 2000. Not just in the place I was working, but in the ENTIRE WORLD. “Legacy” is simply defined as something the past gives to the future. I am the gift from the past. I am a torch-bearer of the greatest generation in pro wrestling history, and I’m STILL young enough and good enough to keep it going. I’m not a washed-up guy trying to help establish the new generation, I AM AN INVASION upon this generation, and Dairy Queen, if you want to be tested, well then that’s the test you are going to have to face.
Now, I have to say, you are laying it on EXTRA-THICK with this “All I do is injure people” crap. That also shows how green you truly are. If you think me or anyone else in APW is worried that you are going to bash our teeth in or make us bleed to death or “rearrange our face”, then you are even more idiotic than I thought. This isn’t “Wrestler Deathmatch”, or some back alley where the winner gets the meth, this is a professional wrestling ring. This is a sport. Do the Yankees and Red Sox play until someone dies? No. They play until someone wins. That’s what I do. So, go ahead, try and punch me in the face one more time instead of going for that pinfall. Go ahead and climb out of the ring and continue the beatdown instead of waiting for that countout. Go ahead and get yourself disqualified because you hold a chokehold past the five-count. See how many “chances to fight” you get then. Besides, you are talking to “The Ambassador of Creative Violence”. So your weak excuses of a wrestling repertoire will not even succeed even if you WERE trying to kill me. Come at me with a baseball bat and watch as I connect with a drop toe hold that sees you land face-first right on it. Come at me with brass knuckles and, when I duck, you can turn around right into a Nothing Left superkick. Leave the ring to go get a steel chair and when you come back, I’ll be HAPPY to spin-kick it into your head. Dairy Queen, if you forget where you are - in America, in a wrestling ring - you will lose to me ten times out of ten. You want to tell me that you can hit me with the right combination of moves that will surprise me and cause me to be stunned long enough for you to hit some of your signature offense and knock me out for three seconds? Sure, I’ll buy that, it may even happen. But the moment you try and turn this into an injury contest, you will find out how easy it is to lose in this business. In other words, Dairy, you’re trying WAY too hard and it’s just not working.
Oh wait, there it is. You just waited until the scene CLOSED to show off your exquisite bench press. Your level of restraint was almost impressive. See, in America, we would call all of this - the gym, the overdone “injure people” nonsense, the bench press - “overcompensation”. See, that’s when a guy is sorely lacking in some area so he tries to hide it. I’m guessing that you are hiding the fact that you really are soft. You are probably one of those guys who desperately hopes to land the first punch because he can’t take the second one. You are just hoping that you can intimidate someone into playing hit-and-run offense so you don’t get too hurt. Well, call this calling your bluff. If Prez Jeff seizes this opportunity to sign us to a “winner gets a shot and one of the lesser championship belts” match, then I hope you are ready for someone who is not intimidated by you and will come right at you. That isn’t to say that I am just gonna scream a war cry then run at you; THAT would be stupid. But, I’m NOT playing hit-and-run against a 260-pound wannabe monster. I’m NOT playing conservative against a green rookie who probably couldn’t do a suplex if Wikipedia was describing it on the big screen during the match. I’m going to come right at you and let you walk into some technical counters the likes of which a Light Heavyweight like me can effortlessly perform, then ground you with some submission moves to slow you down and give you some nagging pain, then start to wear down your neck and shoulders so that, when the time is right, I can drop a Hangover on you or lock you in the CTO. And, you know what? For you, I’m DEFINITELY thinking CTO, because I would LOVE to make a macho man like you beg the ref to end that match. See, CTO stands for “Can’t Tap Out” because, simply, both of your arms are firmly locked in a very painful position and, well, you can’t tap out. To be released, you literally have to verbally instruct the ref that you are quitting. A guy can call a tapout a reflex action, but there’s nothing reflex about screaming “Yes, I submit! Make him stop! End the match!” THAT, my friend, is intimidation. THAT, my friend, is how you get people to flinch when they are pitted against you. Too bad you couldn’t perform a submission move if you tried.
Guys like this are exactly the reason why I am here, APW. This IS the Rapture for this generation. The weak will be discarded and the strong will be elevated until people can actually compare this generation to the one before it. So, for those who are with me, this is the dawn of another golden age for APW and all of wrestling. For guys like Dairy Queen...
I AM THE END 0F THE W0RLD!!!
Dynamo walks over to his bag an pulls out an iPhone and a speaker. He connects them then sets the speaker down. After thumbing through the phone, he lands on something...
...“I Get It” by Chevelle starts to play from the speaker. Dynamo sets the phone down, and holds up his left hand to make an E and his right hand to make a W for the camera. Yes, this is the most corny thing he has ever done in his career, but you at least have to swim with the fishes a little before they realize you are the shark.
Dynamo continues to hold up this “End 0f the W0rld” sign with Chevelle in the background, and as the scene slowly fades to black, a message streams across the screen:
“Follow Kid Dynamo on twitter @kiddynamoapw! Welcome “The Legacy” back or remind him why he should have stayed gone!”
