Post by Delikado on Mar 17, 2012 1:04:52 GMT -4
BREAKING NEWS FROM THE WORLD OF PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING
(Now with fewer commercials (offer expires 3/5/06))
The screen bursts to life with a sample shot of a ring, where Hulk Hogan, a black man, has just entered.
Black Hulk Hogan: Hola, buenos días. I’m professional wrestling, the art you have all come to know and love these past years, here to inform you of some dazzling media buzz. Now of course, during this time I cannot take the actual form of professional wrestling, as it would cause you, the viewer, to simultaneously go blind and see vivid colors, ergo warping time and space itself, and probably frying your brains into soft Kardashian glop. So in order to prevent such an assassination of FCC regulation, I’m going to talk to you all now in the form of a black Hulk Hogan.
~CHORUS~
I am a real African American
Fight for the rights of every black man
I am a real African American
Fight for what’s white
I mean, fight against whites
~END CHORUS~
(ahhhh, safe!)
Black Hulk Hogan: Now obviously you all feel I have forsaken you since it’s been over twelve millennia since professional wrestling came and brought you anything related to anything, but I think you’ve all done such a buck-up job after that whole “chair” fiasco, that I’ve stepped back into the limelight to personally fill you and fill your pants with joy on all of APW’s upcoming spectacular promotional episodes. Let’s take a look…
The screen cuts over to a poorly designed cue card that quickly spells out some of the exciting events APW has coming its way, as you are all aware of already, thus making this cue card incredibly, and undeniably pointless:
*Action Packed Wrestling Chronicles -Why the Company Failed in Its Initial Design as a Seafood Factory
*"Broadway" Gabe Diamond’s 98th APW Feud of the Year Interview
*Rasslemania XX
*Mafia Presents: Mafia, the Mafia Edition!!! (note, product not related to mafia)
*Why Does Everyone Look Like CM Punk: A Look Inside Cloning in Professional Wrestling[/center]
We return to Black Hulk Hogan, who is now sitting on his private yacht with a falcon resting on the starboard bow nearby.
Black Hulk Hogan: Okay, so APW most *definitely* has the rule over the wrestling market with that stuff! But it takes time to develop and bypass copyright laws, so what’s a guy to do with that hole in him, with the life missing of his weekly man-on-man action? Well good gravy are YOU in for a treat. Because you see, he-males and she-males, it just so happens that a new chronicle of your company’s newest fantasy journey is available…RIGHT NOW! So let your mouths drop in awe and be prepared for a whole whopping wholesome taste of…
~Delikado
Action Packed Wrestling’s Delightful Smelly Brown Person~[/font][/color][/size]
Gilbert Gottfried Narration: HOLY SHIT ON A SHIT, IT’S DELIKADO, BITCHES!!! HE’S A CUBAN FROM CUBA, AND HE’S HERE IN OUR FED!!!!
Back to the yacht, Black Hulk Hogan is scuba diving with a harpoon gun. He turns to the camera and removes his oxygen pump thingy to speak.
Black Hulk Hogan: So WHY should people get excited about Delikado’s coming arrival to APW over anyone else’s? Well for starters, everything and anything that goes on that includes our Cuban makes absolutely zero sense at all. And why should it? It’s all written scrunched together on the back of a napkin one hour before a show is to begin, and even then it’s scribbled in Greek and with hardly any ink, making the notes borderline impossible to read. To make up for it, though, our director, the man who pushes Delikado on camera every week for a segment, interview, or match, screams and humps and pounds and cries his eyes out with the hope that it’ll all formulate together into something sensible, something that won’t get his pasty ass fired. Needless to say, it’s the greatest gift to wrestling since five minutes ago. But hey, I’m posing as a black steroid-abusing, ex-wife taking half my stuff, pompous doo-little. Why follow my word alone? Let’s see how our enticed celebutons responded to this news of our returning savior…
Something catches Hogan’s eye and he slowly turns his harpoon gun to something off-camera, snarling.
Black Hulk Hogan: Ahhhh, there you are. This is for Irwin, you son of a--
We cut out to a shot of a greasy-looking, sweaty hunchback man standing in a dark alley of London holding a knife as he stares out of the alley at a duo of women jogging the opposite way, seemingly oblivious to the man eyeballing them.
Philly the Loveable Hobo: Delikado? Yessss, of COURSE we have heard of him! He and hissss works inspired us to change our waysssss. Used be we woulds just shoot womens in head and then run away. But with Delikado’s wondersssss and life-changing mannerissssmssss, now we resolved to merely stabbing womens to death. It changed us lives, and it will change APW’s lives too!
We do an overly dramatic and fast-edited MTV cut to another camera shot of someone everyone in the world loves.
Mel Gibson: Yo, Mel Colm-Cille Gerard Gibson here. APW, you’re about to feel the Delikado experience, and I can just say from personal experience that it is awesome. You’re all really going to like it. He is one funny, yet also inspiring, wetback…What?
Mel turns off-camera and looks to someone who has just whispered something to him. Gibson tries to silence his mic by tapping it, but it doesn’t work…to which Mr. Gibson fails to notice.
Mel Gibson: *whispering* …….oh….did I…did I do it again…? God damn it. Fucking Jew whore bitch who wrote my script, I bet. Put it in for a giggle, the Jesus hating (kite). I’mma get drunk, then probably beat her bitch ass, fucking needs to go back to…back to MoneyLand or wherever they come from, the fucking—
*static*
We cut to an actual archive footage of the Undertaker doing his ring entrance at the top of the stairs.
The Undertaker: Rest….in….peeeeeace…..*crappy added audio* APWbecauseDelikadoissoawesomeIlovehimyaaaaaaay!
And yet more footage, this time of a heavy coat-wearing man sitting on the swing at a park at night. He turns to the camera, smiling a not creepy manner.
Jamie, The Not-Child Molester: Yep, Delikado. Mhmm, I used my binoculars to zoom in as little Jimmy down the street was watching a video of him on his PSP while he played outside. Mmmmm. Watched him go. It was marvelous. Mmmmmmmmmmm…
Yet AGAIN we jump to feedback footage, this time of another American icon.
Chris Brown: Yo, Christopher Maurice "Chris" Brown here. Word on the street, APW, is you got one cool cat coming your way. He taught me everything I know about life, and singing and…
Just then, an intern comes on-screen to give Mr. Brown his Hot Pocket, but she trips on a wire and the Hot Pocket lands on Mr. Brown’s nice vest! It makes a greasy mess immediately that is impossible to not notice.
Intern: Oh my gosh, I’m SO sorry, Mr. Brown! I’ll just—
Chris Brown: PICK UP MY HOT POCKET, BITCH!!!
With these screams of rage, the intern quickly zips down and picks up the Hot Pocket. She wipes it down and goes to put it on a plate, but this seems to piss off Chris Brown even more.
Chris Brown: Hell no! You don’t put that Hot Pocket back on my plate! I might get herpes from the ground that it fell on, you fool! Blow on it!
Intern: Wha?
Chris Brown: I said blow on it!
The intern slowly nods her head and lifts the Hot Pocket up to her mouth, right as Chris Brown swings a fist that slams into the intern’s mouth, mashing the Hot Pocket into her face!
Intern: AHHHHHH! OH MY GOD, IT’S HOOOOOT!!!
Chris Brown: Yeah, bitch! Take a little Chris Brown to the mouth!
The intern falls to the ground and Chris Brown begins to kick and punch her downed body. The intern screams and shouts in pain as a raging Chris Brown keeps beating on her.
Chris Brown: *singing as he beats intern*Here we are all alone in this room (oh)
And girl I know where to start and what we're gonna do (yeah)
I'll take my time we'll be all night girl
So get ready babe I got plans for me and you
It ain't my first time but babygirl we can pretend,
Hey let's bump and grind girl tonight we'll never end
*static*
For some reason, we cut back to London with Philly the Loveable Hobo, who now holds a bloody knife in his hand and is throwing a mysterious trash bag into the river behind him. He turns to face the APW camera.
Philly the Loveable Hobo: In previoussss lives, we did things quick and fastsssss, taking no enjoyment with hobbiessss, but Delikado, DA BAWSESSSSS, showed me how to kick back and smells roses of passion in my work. So now instead of just knifing womens to death, I knife thems, and then I shoot their dead bodies!
Philly pulls out a revolver from his coat and fires three times into another trash bag at his feet. He then kicks the trash bag into the river and hobbles away with a giggle.
*static*
0092, APW Icon: You say “potato”, I say “Delikado”, and that’s just swirly higgle mcFine.
*awkward silence*
We cut to another great American figure worthy of his own place on Mount Rushmore.
Christian Bale: Yo, Christian Charles Philip Bale here. You might recognize me from the upcoming movie Batman 3, but for today, I’m here to tell you, APW, that I think Delikado is pretty dang cool. Without question, he’s a role model for this guy. *two thumbs up*
We now return to Black Hulk Hogan, who is busy cutting up flour for his bread into thin lines on his table top. He looks up from this task to the camera and clears his throat.
Black Hulk Hogan: Oh, I see we cut out early on that last one. Figured we’d have about five hours more of that and I…ah, nevermind, it doesn’t matter. Anywaaaaay, so now you’ve heard the critics, and maybe that’s convinced some of you that Delikado is going to truly revolutionize the way professional wrestling is acted. But some of you may need a little more convincing, and so maybe this will help change that liberal tone. Well see, boys and girls, everything going into this product is neat, and it may just be nifty enough to get a laugh or two, and that’s neat. Nobody laughs at wrestling anymore, and that makes us here at Wrestling Central cry all the way to the bank as we take your money anyway. And if THAT doesn’t convince you to pull that wiener out of your butt, think of it like this: Delikado is something APW is investing time and money into. If you don’t support it and rank it high on your list of favorites and give it lots of awards and stuff, then APW just wasted a whole year that it won’t get back, and the company will probably go into debt and die horribly. And it’ll be all *your* fault. You’ll be out of a job and out of a viewing experience because you didn’t follow this wrestler…….ignoring the fact that there are several other guys and girls on APW’s roster. Yes. Pretend they killed your baby. That’ll help you hate those other douches.
Black Hulk Hogan smiles weakly and then pulls out a bendy straw. He slowly and awkwardly leans down towards his thinly cut flour line with the straw as we cut to the Delikado title card from before.
Gilbert Gottfried Narration: SON OF A BITCH IN BITCHDIA, GILBERT GOTTFRIEND HERE AGAIN, AND FOR THE LOVE OF DELIKADO IS DELIKADO A PRIZE!!! BUT ENOUGH OF ALL THESE SCUMBAGS!!! LET’S SEE WHAT THE BOSS HIMSELF IS COOKING UP!!!!
We cut to a shot of Delikado standing in a ring with a confident look on his face as he stares out to the empty arena seats. He lifts a cigar up to his mouth and lights it dramatically.
The new adventures of Delikado are going to be the most amazing adventures yet for our Cuban hero. It involves drama, action, love, science fiction, horror, comedy, thrills, jazzy harmonicas, anime, explosion, explosionS, more explosions, plot, no plot, even MORE explosions, and even…wrestling! On his journey throughout the APW world, The Boss is even going to be joined by his loveable sidekicks, Jet and Moss Carrington, also known by their original title, The Carringtons! They follow without question as Delikado fights evil and secures his already secured claim as the best in the galaxy of the world. This is sure to be the A-Team if there ever was one, and without question will these guys win everything there is to win to the point you’ll all be saying “How is that fair?” And we’ll say “Shut up. Shut up.” There’s even a chance they’ll be joined by Hayfield Smurffyson from “League World United”, even though he’s nothing more than a Klanloving Bumfluffmonkeywhore.
Return from this cool narration clip to Black Hulk Hogan, who is red-eyed and wiping a runny nose.
Black Hulk Hogan: Cheese and chip’n dip that was a doosey! Errrrr….yeah, let’s take a look at some early, unedited, and most likely to be cut footage from the spank-worthy saga to come! Wooooooooo! I’mma fly like Daedalus and Icarus!!!
Black Hogan rushes off screen and a window can be heard shattering seconds later.
Black Hulk Hogan: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE—becoming more distant*
*static*
The following is a brief moment from the upcoming Delikado: APW Saga collection. Presented entirely in 3D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (warning: film presented in 2D)
*static*
Exclusive Clip
Delikado Asks President Jeff For A Title Shot
We fade in to APW President Jeff sitting in his office with his head in his palms as a voice can be heard speaking to him off-camera.
Delikado: Hey Jeff, gimme a title shot. Jeff, I want a title shot. Jeff? Jeff. You hear me, Jeff? Delikado. Title. Give Delikado a title shot. C’mon. Do it. Delikado wants that title shot, Jeff. Jeeeffffff! Yo. Yo. Is this thing on? Hello. Hey. Hey. Jeff. Jeff. JJJJJJJJEFFFFFFFF! Dude. Gimme. Gimme title. Delikado wants a shot at the title, Jeff. Jeff. Jeff! Jeff! Jeff! Title. *singing* The title from yooooou. The title to meeeee! Title. Title. Delikado, title. Jeff! Title, Jeff. WOOOORLD TIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTLLLLLLLLLLLLLE! *grunge scream-o voice* Delikado want title. Give Delikado the title shot, Jeff. Jeff! JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEFFPERS CREEEEEEEEPERRRRRRS!!!! Title shot. Title shot. Title shot good, Jeff. No title shot bad, Jeff. Delikado requesting number one title shot! DELIKADO TO JEFF: TITLE SHOT, PLEASE! Jeff. I’m the champion, give me title! Jeff, title shot, bro! C’mon, book it! Jeff! Jeff! Jeff! Jeff! Jeff! Jeff, let’s get a title shot for Delikado! Title shot! Title shot! Title shot! Hi Jeff, Delikado. Nice to meet you.
The camera pans over to reveal Delikado, who extends his hand to his new boss. The silence lingers over the office for several seconds before President Jeff finally lifts his head up from his sweaty palms, revealing the sunglass covered President’s eyes. Yet from behind the shades we can see the pulsing eyes of a man who has nearly been driven to madness. Delikado just smiles in an innocent, oblivious manner.
President Jeff: It’s been impossible for me to leave because of my eye surgery forcing me to stay inside away from bright lights, my security and staff are all away on their lunch breaks, so I couldn’t order them to snatch you out of here, and even firing you before I’ve officially hired you has done nothing…NOTHING…to keep you from raving nonstop for the past hour and a half about a title shot when you JUST got here. YOU HAVEN’T EVEN SIGNED A NAME CARD!!!!!!!!!!!! And yet……why? Why do you make me, your potential boss, suffer so much….?
Delikado: It’s just that your other champion is….”Bleh."
Jet Carrington: It’s true, I’ve seen him.
Moss Carrington: His hat's too much like my hat.
The camera spins to the chair in the corner of the room revealing Jet and Moss Carrington both sitting there, nodding in agreement at Delikado’s previous comment. Jeff’s eyes narrow to Delikado as he ignores the pink bandanna wearing Moss and smug-looking Jet.
President Jeff: And what makes you such an expert on knowing APW Champions when we know nothing about you yourself……?
Delikado lifts his lit cigar up and takes a drag of it as he continues smiling charmingly.
Delikado: Oh, trust Delikado when he tells you that found a way to get everything on all you guys, since you’re kinda people who bask in Delikado’s glory. Cool shit, ain’t it? Moral of the story is that I—
President Jeff cuts Delikado off in mid-sentence.
President Jeff: No, that ISN’T cool! If anything, it’s all very conceited sounding…not to mention it sounds potentially illegal coming from you right now….Very much illegal, Mr. Delikado…
Delikado blows cigar smoke into the air as he chuckles in a proud manner.
Delikado: Heh, heh, heh, heh. Indeed. But Delikado’s The Boss, so it’s all good in the hood.
President Jeff: No, I am the Boss here…
Delikado: Yes, I really, really am.
Delikado kicks back in his chair, propping his feet up on Jeff’s desk as he continues smoking his cigar and his Carrington Comrades smile and nod in agreement as Jeff cocks a puzzled eyebrow at the situation. The camera slowly zooms in on Delikado’s amazing face as he smokes his cigar and allows Jeff to hunker down in his cool shadow of Bossness as we fade to black.
*static*
Black Hulk Hogan is seen sitting in a wheelchair with bandages all over him.
Black Hulk Hogan: That is what the kids call “epic cheezeburgers”, is it not? I’m almost positive it’ll have close to fifteen minutes of fame. Stay tuned to APW.com/Delikado for more exclusive and delicious Delikado material. Also follow us on Twitter, just as soon as we put together the money to pay for an account. Get ready everyone. The world’s about to change. LIKE A BAWSE!
Final shot of our APW Icon,0092 as he stares dead into the camera.
0092, APW Icon: Don’t make me come find you…
The camera quivers all of a sudden and is dropped as the whimpering cameraman flees. In a deadpan form, 0092 just tilts his head and looks into the dropped camera as it cuts out completely, ending our promotional video.
(Now with fewer commercials (offer expires 3/5/06))
The screen bursts to life with a sample shot of a ring, where Hulk Hogan, a black man, has just entered.
Black Hulk Hogan: Hola, buenos días. I’m professional wrestling, the art you have all come to know and love these past years, here to inform you of some dazzling media buzz. Now of course, during this time I cannot take the actual form of professional wrestling, as it would cause you, the viewer, to simultaneously go blind and see vivid colors, ergo warping time and space itself, and probably frying your brains into soft Kardashian glop. So in order to prevent such an assassination of FCC regulation, I’m going to talk to you all now in the form of a black Hulk Hogan.
~CHORUS~
I am a real African American
Fight for the rights of every black man
I am a real African American
Fight for what’s white
I mean, fight against whites
~END CHORUS~
(ahhhh, safe!)
Black Hulk Hogan: Now obviously you all feel I have forsaken you since it’s been over twelve millennia since professional wrestling came and brought you anything related to anything, but I think you’ve all done such a buck-up job after that whole “chair” fiasco, that I’ve stepped back into the limelight to personally fill you and fill your pants with joy on all of APW’s upcoming spectacular promotional episodes. Let’s take a look…
The screen cuts over to a poorly designed cue card that quickly spells out some of the exciting events APW has coming its way, as you are all aware of already, thus making this cue card incredibly, and undeniably pointless:
Upcoming Bargain Bin Super Shiny and Dazzling Products
[/u]*Action Packed Wrestling Chronicles -Why the Company Failed in Its Initial Design as a Seafood Factory
*"Broadway" Gabe Diamond’s 98th APW Feud of the Year Interview
*Rasslemania XX
*Mafia Presents: Mafia, the Mafia Edition!!! (note, product not related to mafia)
*Why Does Everyone Look Like CM Punk: A Look Inside Cloning in Professional Wrestling[/center]
We return to Black Hulk Hogan, who is now sitting on his private yacht with a falcon resting on the starboard bow nearby.
Black Hulk Hogan: Okay, so APW most *definitely* has the rule over the wrestling market with that stuff! But it takes time to develop and bypass copyright laws, so what’s a guy to do with that hole in him, with the life missing of his weekly man-on-man action? Well good gravy are YOU in for a treat. Because you see, he-males and she-males, it just so happens that a new chronicle of your company’s newest fantasy journey is available…RIGHT NOW! So let your mouths drop in awe and be prepared for a whole whopping wholesome taste of…
~Delikado
Action Packed Wrestling’s Delightful Smelly Brown Person~
Gilbert Gottfried Narration: HOLY SHIT ON A SHIT, IT’S DELIKADO, BITCHES!!! HE’S A CUBAN FROM CUBA, AND HE’S HERE IN OUR FED!!!!
Back to the yacht, Black Hulk Hogan is scuba diving with a harpoon gun. He turns to the camera and removes his oxygen pump thingy to speak.
Black Hulk Hogan: So WHY should people get excited about Delikado’s coming arrival to APW over anyone else’s? Well for starters, everything and anything that goes on that includes our Cuban makes absolutely zero sense at all. And why should it? It’s all written scrunched together on the back of a napkin one hour before a show is to begin, and even then it’s scribbled in Greek and with hardly any ink, making the notes borderline impossible to read. To make up for it, though, our director, the man who pushes Delikado on camera every week for a segment, interview, or match, screams and humps and pounds and cries his eyes out with the hope that it’ll all formulate together into something sensible, something that won’t get his pasty ass fired. Needless to say, it’s the greatest gift to wrestling since five minutes ago. But hey, I’m posing as a black steroid-abusing, ex-wife taking half my stuff, pompous doo-little. Why follow my word alone? Let’s see how our enticed celebutons responded to this news of our returning savior…
Something catches Hogan’s eye and he slowly turns his harpoon gun to something off-camera, snarling.
Black Hulk Hogan: Ahhhh, there you are. This is for Irwin, you son of a--
We cut out to a shot of a greasy-looking, sweaty hunchback man standing in a dark alley of London holding a knife as he stares out of the alley at a duo of women jogging the opposite way, seemingly oblivious to the man eyeballing them.
Philly the Loveable Hobo: Delikado? Yessss, of COURSE we have heard of him! He and hissss works inspired us to change our waysssss. Used be we woulds just shoot womens in head and then run away. But with Delikado’s wondersssss and life-changing mannerissssmssss, now we resolved to merely stabbing womens to death. It changed us lives, and it will change APW’s lives too!
We do an overly dramatic and fast-edited MTV cut to another camera shot of someone everyone in the world loves.
Mel Gibson: Yo, Mel Colm-Cille Gerard Gibson here. APW, you’re about to feel the Delikado experience, and I can just say from personal experience that it is awesome. You’re all really going to like it. He is one funny, yet also inspiring, wetback…What?
Mel turns off-camera and looks to someone who has just whispered something to him. Gibson tries to silence his mic by tapping it, but it doesn’t work…to which Mr. Gibson fails to notice.
Mel Gibson: *whispering* …….oh….did I…did I do it again…? God damn it. Fucking Jew whore bitch who wrote my script, I bet. Put it in for a giggle, the Jesus hating (kite). I’mma get drunk, then probably beat her bitch ass, fucking needs to go back to…back to MoneyLand or wherever they come from, the fucking—
*static*
We cut to an actual archive footage of the Undertaker doing his ring entrance at the top of the stairs.
The Undertaker: Rest….in….peeeeeace…..*crappy added audio* APWbecauseDelikadoissoawesomeIlovehimyaaaaaaay!
And yet more footage, this time of a heavy coat-wearing man sitting on the swing at a park at night. He turns to the camera, smiling a not creepy manner.
Jamie, The Not-Child Molester: Yep, Delikado. Mhmm, I used my binoculars to zoom in as little Jimmy down the street was watching a video of him on his PSP while he played outside. Mmmmm. Watched him go. It was marvelous. Mmmmmmmmmmm…
Yet AGAIN we jump to feedback footage, this time of another American icon.
Chris Brown: Yo, Christopher Maurice "Chris" Brown here. Word on the street, APW, is you got one cool cat coming your way. He taught me everything I know about life, and singing and…
Just then, an intern comes on-screen to give Mr. Brown his Hot Pocket, but she trips on a wire and the Hot Pocket lands on Mr. Brown’s nice vest! It makes a greasy mess immediately that is impossible to not notice.
Intern: Oh my gosh, I’m SO sorry, Mr. Brown! I’ll just—
Chris Brown: PICK UP MY HOT POCKET, BITCH!!!
With these screams of rage, the intern quickly zips down and picks up the Hot Pocket. She wipes it down and goes to put it on a plate, but this seems to piss off Chris Brown even more.
Chris Brown: Hell no! You don’t put that Hot Pocket back on my plate! I might get herpes from the ground that it fell on, you fool! Blow on it!
Intern: Wha?
Chris Brown: I said blow on it!
The intern slowly nods her head and lifts the Hot Pocket up to her mouth, right as Chris Brown swings a fist that slams into the intern’s mouth, mashing the Hot Pocket into her face!
Intern: AHHHHHH! OH MY GOD, IT’S HOOOOOT!!!
Chris Brown: Yeah, bitch! Take a little Chris Brown to the mouth!
The intern falls to the ground and Chris Brown begins to kick and punch her downed body. The intern screams and shouts in pain as a raging Chris Brown keeps beating on her.
Chris Brown: *singing as he beats intern*Here we are all alone in this room (oh)
And girl I know where to start and what we're gonna do (yeah)
I'll take my time we'll be all night girl
So get ready babe I got plans for me and you
It ain't my first time but babygirl we can pretend,
Hey let's bump and grind girl tonight we'll never end
*static*
For some reason, we cut back to London with Philly the Loveable Hobo, who now holds a bloody knife in his hand and is throwing a mysterious trash bag into the river behind him. He turns to face the APW camera.
Philly the Loveable Hobo: In previoussss lives, we did things quick and fastsssss, taking no enjoyment with hobbiessss, but Delikado, DA BAWSESSSSS, showed me how to kick back and smells roses of passion in my work. So now instead of just knifing womens to death, I knife thems, and then I shoot their dead bodies!
Philly pulls out a revolver from his coat and fires three times into another trash bag at his feet. He then kicks the trash bag into the river and hobbles away with a giggle.
*static*
0092, APW Icon: You say “potato”, I say “Delikado”, and that’s just swirly higgle mcFine.
*awkward silence*
We cut to another great American figure worthy of his own place on Mount Rushmore.
Christian Bale: Yo, Christian Charles Philip Bale here. You might recognize me from the upcoming movie Batman 3, but for today, I’m here to tell you, APW, that I think Delikado is pretty dang cool. Without question, he’s a role model for this guy. *two thumbs up*
We now return to Black Hulk Hogan, who is busy cutting up flour for his bread into thin lines on his table top. He looks up from this task to the camera and clears his throat.
Black Hulk Hogan: Oh, I see we cut out early on that last one. Figured we’d have about five hours more of that and I…ah, nevermind, it doesn’t matter. Anywaaaaay, so now you’ve heard the critics, and maybe that’s convinced some of you that Delikado is going to truly revolutionize the way professional wrestling is acted. But some of you may need a little more convincing, and so maybe this will help change that liberal tone. Well see, boys and girls, everything going into this product is neat, and it may just be nifty enough to get a laugh or two, and that’s neat. Nobody laughs at wrestling anymore, and that makes us here at Wrestling Central cry all the way to the bank as we take your money anyway. And if THAT doesn’t convince you to pull that wiener out of your butt, think of it like this: Delikado is something APW is investing time and money into. If you don’t support it and rank it high on your list of favorites and give it lots of awards and stuff, then APW just wasted a whole year that it won’t get back, and the company will probably go into debt and die horribly. And it’ll be all *your* fault. You’ll be out of a job and out of a viewing experience because you didn’t follow this wrestler…….ignoring the fact that there are several other guys and girls on APW’s roster. Yes. Pretend they killed your baby. That’ll help you hate those other douches.
Black Hulk Hogan smiles weakly and then pulls out a bendy straw. He slowly and awkwardly leans down towards his thinly cut flour line with the straw as we cut to the Delikado title card from before.
Gilbert Gottfried Narration: SON OF A BITCH IN BITCHDIA, GILBERT GOTTFRIEND HERE AGAIN, AND FOR THE LOVE OF DELIKADO IS DELIKADO A PRIZE!!! BUT ENOUGH OF ALL THESE SCUMBAGS!!! LET’S SEE WHAT THE BOSS HIMSELF IS COOKING UP!!!!
We cut to a shot of Delikado standing in a ring with a confident look on his face as he stares out to the empty arena seats. He lifts a cigar up to his mouth and lights it dramatically.
The new adventures of Delikado are going to be the most amazing adventures yet for our Cuban hero. It involves drama, action, love, science fiction, horror, comedy, thrills, jazzy harmonicas, anime, explosion, explosionS, more explosions, plot, no plot, even MORE explosions, and even…wrestling! On his journey throughout the APW world, The Boss is even going to be joined by his loveable sidekicks, Jet and Moss Carrington, also known by their original title, The Carringtons! They follow without question as Delikado fights evil and secures his already secured claim as the best in the galaxy of the world. This is sure to be the A-Team if there ever was one, and without question will these guys win everything there is to win to the point you’ll all be saying “How is that fair?” And we’ll say “Shut up. Shut up.” There’s even a chance they’ll be joined by Hayfield Smurffyson from “League World United”, even though he’s nothing more than a Klanloving Bumfluffmonkeywhore.
Return from this cool narration clip to Black Hulk Hogan, who is red-eyed and wiping a runny nose.
Black Hulk Hogan: Cheese and chip’n dip that was a doosey! Errrrr….yeah, let’s take a look at some early, unedited, and most likely to be cut footage from the spank-worthy saga to come! Wooooooooo! I’mma fly like Daedalus and Icarus!!!
Black Hogan rushes off screen and a window can be heard shattering seconds later.
Black Hulk Hogan: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE—becoming more distant*
*static*
The following is a brief moment from the upcoming Delikado: APW Saga collection. Presented entirely in 3D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (warning: film presented in 2D)
*static*
Exclusive Clip
Delikado Asks President Jeff For A Title Shot
We fade in to APW President Jeff sitting in his office with his head in his palms as a voice can be heard speaking to him off-camera.
Delikado: Hey Jeff, gimme a title shot. Jeff, I want a title shot. Jeff? Jeff. You hear me, Jeff? Delikado. Title. Give Delikado a title shot. C’mon. Do it. Delikado wants that title shot, Jeff. Jeeeffffff! Yo. Yo. Is this thing on? Hello. Hey. Hey. Jeff. Jeff. JJJJJJJJEFFFFFFFF! Dude. Gimme. Gimme title. Delikado wants a shot at the title, Jeff. Jeff. Jeff! Jeff! Jeff! Title. *singing* The title from yooooou. The title to meeeee! Title. Title. Delikado, title. Jeff! Title, Jeff. WOOOORLD TIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTLLLLLLLLLLLLLE! *grunge scream-o voice* Delikado want title. Give Delikado the title shot, Jeff. Jeff! JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEFFPERS CREEEEEEEEPERRRRRRS!!!! Title shot. Title shot. Title shot good, Jeff. No title shot bad, Jeff. Delikado requesting number one title shot! DELIKADO TO JEFF: TITLE SHOT, PLEASE! Jeff. I’m the champion, give me title! Jeff, title shot, bro! C’mon, book it! Jeff! Jeff! Jeff! Jeff! Jeff! Jeff, let’s get a title shot for Delikado! Title shot! Title shot! Title shot! Hi Jeff, Delikado. Nice to meet you.
The camera pans over to reveal Delikado, who extends his hand to his new boss. The silence lingers over the office for several seconds before President Jeff finally lifts his head up from his sweaty palms, revealing the sunglass covered President’s eyes. Yet from behind the shades we can see the pulsing eyes of a man who has nearly been driven to madness. Delikado just smiles in an innocent, oblivious manner.
President Jeff: It’s been impossible for me to leave because of my eye surgery forcing me to stay inside away from bright lights, my security and staff are all away on their lunch breaks, so I couldn’t order them to snatch you out of here, and even firing you before I’ve officially hired you has done nothing…NOTHING…to keep you from raving nonstop for the past hour and a half about a title shot when you JUST got here. YOU HAVEN’T EVEN SIGNED A NAME CARD!!!!!!!!!!!! And yet……why? Why do you make me, your potential boss, suffer so much….?
Delikado: It’s just that your other champion is….”Bleh."
Jet Carrington: It’s true, I’ve seen him.
Moss Carrington: His hat's too much like my hat.
The camera spins to the chair in the corner of the room revealing Jet and Moss Carrington both sitting there, nodding in agreement at Delikado’s previous comment. Jeff’s eyes narrow to Delikado as he ignores the pink bandanna wearing Moss and smug-looking Jet.
President Jeff: And what makes you such an expert on knowing APW Champions when we know nothing about you yourself……?
Delikado lifts his lit cigar up and takes a drag of it as he continues smiling charmingly.
Delikado: Oh, trust Delikado when he tells you that found a way to get everything on all you guys, since you’re kinda people who bask in Delikado’s glory. Cool shit, ain’t it? Moral of the story is that I—
President Jeff cuts Delikado off in mid-sentence.
President Jeff: No, that ISN’T cool! If anything, it’s all very conceited sounding…not to mention it sounds potentially illegal coming from you right now….Very much illegal, Mr. Delikado…
Delikado blows cigar smoke into the air as he chuckles in a proud manner.
Delikado: Heh, heh, heh, heh. Indeed. But Delikado’s The Boss, so it’s all good in the hood.
President Jeff: No, I am the Boss here…
Delikado: Yes, I really, really am.
Delikado kicks back in his chair, propping his feet up on Jeff’s desk as he continues smoking his cigar and his Carrington Comrades smile and nod in agreement as Jeff cocks a puzzled eyebrow at the situation. The camera slowly zooms in on Delikado’s amazing face as he smokes his cigar and allows Jeff to hunker down in his cool shadow of Bossness as we fade to black.
*static*
Black Hulk Hogan is seen sitting in a wheelchair with bandages all over him.
Black Hulk Hogan: That is what the kids call “epic cheezeburgers”, is it not? I’m almost positive it’ll have close to fifteen minutes of fame. Stay tuned to APW.com/Delikado for more exclusive and delicious Delikado material. Also follow us on Twitter, just as soon as we put together the money to pay for an account. Get ready everyone. The world’s about to change. LIKE A BAWSE!
Again, that’s APW.com/Delikado
Twitter coming soon!
(Remaining funds necessary: $2,650.45)
Twitter coming soon!
(Remaining funds necessary: $2,650.45)
Final shot of our APW Icon,0092 as he stares dead into the camera.
0092, APW Icon: Don’t make me come find you…
The camera quivers all of a sudden and is dropped as the whimpering cameraman flees. In a deadpan form, 0092 just tilts his head and looks into the dropped camera as it cuts out completely, ending our promotional video.
Delikado
Coming to an APW near you!
Coming to an APW near you!
