Conflicted #5: Loss/Gain

[Smash INC]

Keaton Saint in
Conflicted #5: Loss/Gain

Loss

Loss is one of the most spoken about subjects in human history, it is intertwined with almost everything that anyone has done, will or can do. Loss is one of the most important facets of life, to experience loss can mean many things but it is intrinsically related to the most heightened of emotions.

Part of the reason why loss is so crucial to the human mind is the relation it has to the opposing force. There is loss and then there is gain. Your loss is someone else's gain, your rubbish is a treasure to another. What you devalue is valued by another, what you lack faith in is given a foundation by someone else. Loss and gain are related by multiple people and within the same person all at once. Loss of innocence is tantamount to the gaining of wisdom and knowledge.

It is with a loss that a gain can be made, a lesson can be learned and used at a future date. Keaton Saint is and has been a man who prided himself on learning from his defeats in order to become a stronger and more passionate wrestler. Loss fuelled him in a extreme way because it always led to a gain, however major the loss, it would lead to a greater outcome in the end. History dictated the events for the career of Keaton Saint and whilst it is known to repeat it does not do so endlessly. the only true tradition in life is that things change, and things have indeed changed for Keaton Saint.

His losses have been numerous but not in the way they have been since coming to APW. Perhaps it is a wake up call in the most extreme sense of the word but Keaton Saint simply has not been the same man, the same wrestler for some time. An excuse could be made that he isn't at his best but it's a small diversion from the truth, Keaton could hear the excuse as much as he wanted but the truth would tell him everything he didn't want to hear. The fact of the matter was that Keaton Saint was at his best and he simply could not match up, he was losing ground at a supersonic rate and no great piece of wisdom to gain from all this, he only had to grin and bear it. Losing to Terry Marvin on multiple occasions had been heartbreaking for Keaton Saint, and with nothing to gain other than the knowledge that he couldn't match up to his foe there was nothing else left to say. Keaton had lost, Terry Marvin was one match away from becoming the most powerful wrestler in APW.

But with Terry Marvin's outright refusal to defend his former Overdrive title, there was yet something to be gained. It's why Keaton Saint has to face his conflicted self and become something more than the man he currently is.

It is why Keaton Saint faces the void, knowing that whatever is contained is something beyond his knowledge. It is why every loss he has experienced up to now fuels him to open the door to the void and experience another loss, a loss not born from the wrestling ring but from his own mind. The possible gain could become the greatest that he had ever known and even if it didn't live up to his expectations, it would surely alleviate some of the feelings he had over the last few months. Steeping into the void was something Keaton Saint had to do.

For Keaton Saint, it was time to lose some of his innocence.

==========

Then and Now

Slade Craven is a hard person to talk about more than once, everything that needs to be said gets said and then you're wondering whether that was enough. It might be a rare case of things like this but I've personally felt as if I have said enough on the man and on the matter.

Slade Craven is simply a wrestler who wants to be someone else. I've seen it before and I wouldn't be surprised if I saw it again. Here is a man who spouts t-shirt selling lines about what kind of person he's going to be. The kind of man who refers to himself as the Main Man, it's become used enough that it borders on being a marketing buzzword. But that's what Slade Craven is before he's a wrestler, he is a product first and foremost.

And part of that marketing is that the first and foremost always centres on one aspect. The time to buy into a man like Slade Craven is now, not then, not tomorrow but now. Because he's a brand, he's a marketing term and he is not a wrestler in the way that I am. Slade Craven speaks of many things, but it all centres on Slade Craven, not himself. When it comes to Slade Craven it's about Slade Craven, the refusal to speak about yourself in the first person is another aspect, it's marketing. It's a way to make Slade Craven more appealing to some unknown demographic.

And this is where I come in, I'm not a marketed gimmick, I am not a brand to be sold to the masses. I am Keaton Saint, I am a wrestler and when the bell rings I put everything I can possibly have into the match. If I'm marketed towards anything it's towards those who see and still believe in great professional wrestling. I believe that I am and can be a great wrestler, if that makes me a hero for the cause I support then so be it. But I am still Keaton Saint, the wrestler. More than any brand can ever be. That's real heroism.

Slade Craven the hero is gone, Slade Craven the storyteller still exists and the story he can tell after Shockwave is of one night where everything he did simply wasn't enough. His story can be about a true wrestler who went to the ring and became something better than he's ever been. Slade Craven can become the Main Man... at telling stories to the masses.

This isn't a before and after, it's not a then and now. It's simply a wrestler against a brand and the wrestler can always win that sort of battle.

==========

A Manic Perspective

I would've preferred my stand-in to be a luchador, but there's not much that can be done about that now. Although El Diablo Santo does have a ring to it.

The one thing I constantly look back on is the Test for the Best qualifier. There was more than one time where I felt as if I had lost my chance, what I never really delved into was how thrilling that whole thing was. Nearly losing a match as important as that to you became something that made me gain a huge amount of perspective. I learnt a lot in that match and in the weeks following it. there are people that talk about gaining a perspective on things, a couple of months ago I started to truly experience it in a way I haven't done before.

But experience and perspective are just part of the game. We live and learn, we see things from different angles and yet in the end we are still the professionals of our time. We are wrestlers and we live to that code. I just have a distinct feeling that you'd drop it as soon as you felt it would guarantee you victory.

Maybe I'm completely off the mark. Maybe you're putting your heart and soul into this match to prove that with the spotlight on you, magic can happen. I'd like to believe that too but I deal in what's real over what the illusion says. I believe in what I can do beyond whatever you've brought to the ring before. It might not be the best you'll ever be but it's still there. The truth is what I'm looking for most is for you to come out with everything you have, if only so I can do the same and ensure you have no excuses when I deny you the chance to become a champion. If and when it happens, perhaps we'll see something truly special.

Perhaps you'll take it upon yourself to grow up. Because if there is one thing that separates you and me it is this, I don't need a reason other than the match to motivate myself. Give me a ring and an opponent and I'll bring everything I have. Like I've put out before, don't hold back. Holding back just limits what you can do, going all out gives you the best chance possible and there really is no better time than now.

I'll still be marching in the end, but you have the time and the place to show me how far you've come. History decided a different battle, Shockwave decides our present. We've all had our chances, now we make it a certainty.

==========

The Void

Keaton stood facing the Void with a look of mild confusion etched in his face. He wasn't sure whether this was the only Void but it was the location he was meant to be at. The confusion he had was however formed from something else, what surrounded him was altogether different and slightly jarring as the atmosphere for the location was quite unlike anything Keaton had ever known. But even that was not the source for Keaton's confusion, the source of it was the overbearing bouncer staring a hole into him as he asked for identification and a season ticket.

"I'm not a member," Keaton managed to speak before he was cut off by the bouncer talking into a radio.

"Ha." The bouncer snorted as he pointed towards his left. "She said to take the staff entrance."

"Wait, how the hell did--"

"Not my business to know, now if you'll go ahead and take that path."

"Yeah, sure." Keaton muttered as he left the bouncer to his duties. Keaton knew for sure he never announced any intention to come here, the Void wasn't a place he wanted to be seen anywhere near but considering the stakes involved he simply had to find out something. The staff entrance to the Void was painted black, much like the assumed dark deeds done within and despite his feelings to the contrary Keaton found himself opening the door quickly. It gave way as if it was inviting, Keaton didn't want to think of the implications of that.

"This way." The invitation was cut short by the jarring image of a person crawling on their knees towards Keaton. As they came closer they offered a leash of some kind to Keaton who was understandably taken aback by the offer. "Please."

"Man what the--" Keaton stopped himself mid-sentence as he figured his confusion would be a recurring theme as he delved into the darkness of the Void. He took the leash as the crawling person continued to lead him on. It had been some time since Keaton had laid eyes on the person and yet he was still unsure whether they were male or female. Part of him didn't want to find out the answer, although thankfully the latex bodysuit on the crawler obscured everything to the point of melting into the background.

"She knew you were coming." The crawler began to speak as they continued leading Keaton to an unknown destination. the crawler was about to speak again before they suddenly seized up and looked towards another figure in the distance.

"Quiet, mongrel." The new woman stated as the crawler began to rush to them, humping their leg as soon as they were within range. "Carry on like this and you won't receive any of that punishment you've been begging for."

"I, er--"

"One moment." The woman said as they slapped the apparent mongrel hard across the face.

"MORE!" The mongrel exclaimed.

"You'll get nothing and be happy with it." The woman calmly spoke as she left a deep scratch in the cheek of the mongrel. "Stay in the corner." She ordered shortly after.

"What the actual fu--" Keaton said, stunned at the display.

"You're definitely not a regular." The woman

"I'm not anything, I'm just here to see--"

"I know, follow me." The woman urged Keaton to follow her. "No names please, in the darkness of the Void everyone is nameless."

"Except for--" Keaton tried to point out his destination.

"Call her the mistress if you want, it matters not." The woman continued to walk, reaching a door that required a key which she offered up, almost bored of her duty to do so.

"What do you call her?" Keaton asked.

"Many things, a savior, a lover, a teacher and even a student." The woman stated flatly as she ushered Keaton through and began to close the door behind her. Some scratching on the door after closing was an indication that the mongrel was behind them and the door, waiting for attention.

"She still has a name." Keaton stated as he looked back towards the locked door. Turning back now would be even more difficult, not just mentally but physically as well.

"Outside of these walls we all do." The woman stated in response as she pointed towards a lift.

"And inside?" Keaton asked, unsure of whether he was asking about the lift or the statement he had just heard.

"We are part of the void." The woman's answer could be taken both ways as well. She unlocked the lift and as they both walked in she turned her key into another lock.

"Inner sanctum?" Keaton had noticed that no buttons were pressed on the keypad despite a selection being available, the destination could only be one of the more exclusive ones.

"if you wish." The woman offered a finger, pointing it towards the glass behind Keaton. "I'm sure you'll see something of note."

"I--" Keaton didn't want to speak further, as much as he didn't want to know he had to have some understanding of what he was becoming involved with so he looked at the viewing glass as the lift continued to move. The first vision wasn't something too surprising to Keaton, he knew the reputation of the Void through contacts, others who had spoken of the entry level shenanigans that happened within. the world had already woken up to the possibility of kink, so seeing it in action wasn't jarring. What worried Keaton was that the first few visions, the first glimpses he had were of entry level things. The rabbit hole went much deeper.

"You're certainly not a regular but you're not perturbed by any of this, that bodes well."

"For what?" Keaton said and immediately wished he didn't as he saw a glimpse of another floor, what he had seen previously was nothing compared to this. There was a person, Keaton couldn't make out who or what they were because the view was obscured by a couple engaging in sex on top of the person. What was disturbing about the image was that the person wasn't moving an inch. Keaton turned to face the woman who nodded back at him.

"Chemically induced coma." She said in what seemed to be a reassuring manner. "There are people who have a thing for the dead, what you saw was an approximation of that."

"I don't want to know." Keaton snapped back as the lift passed what appeared to be a group of people engaging in defecation.

"You'd be surprised at how easy and legal it is to do."

"I really don't want to know." Keaton wanted to continue but as they passed another viewing window Keaton felt compelled to look once again, he still had to know at least partly what he was dealing with. The image wasn't reassuring. It was only a short burst but Keaton was sure he had seen a woman attached to some sort of contraption, what worried him more was that he could've sworn he saw a horse in the background. Surely it couldn't be?

"Was that what I--" Keaton spoke quietly, surely there was an explanation for that.

"Your floor." The woman pointed as the doors began to open.

"Yeah." Keaton walked ahead and as he turned around to see the woman he realised he was bidding farewell as the lift doors shut on him. His current location was a simple corridor but Keaton was almost fearful to what was on the other side. He continued to walk regardless, it was his choice to come here after all and he knew that he would gain something by the end of it, no matter how much of his mind he wanted to erase with bleach after seeing what he had just witnessed.

"Open the door when you're ready Keaton." A familiar, albeit digitalised voice echoed through the corridor.

"Yeah." Keaton sighed as he opened the door leading to his final destination, a simple room with a simple being sat in spartan surroundings. A lot had happened since Keaton became a wrestler but Patricia Burrell still looked as she ever did. Brimming with sexual energy and aggressively scary.

"I knew you'd come eventually." A knowing smile formed on the face of Patricia Burrell.

"How?" Keaton felt he had to ask, he never stated to anyone that he intended to come here.

"I've been watching your stuff in the past few weeks, you've lost touch." Patricia stated, not taking her eyes away from Keaton's face.

"That still doesn't explain how you knew--" Keaton began to exclaim.

"I've not been the only one watching."

"I've got stalkers now?"

"No, just something I wanted to find out personally." Patricia began to turn her attention away from Keaton.

"And you couldn't ask me?"

"I could ask Keaton Saint, but you've not been that man for some time have you?" Patricia smirked as she examined the reaction on Keaton's face, clear as day.

"Bull, I'm still exactly who I say I am."

"You don't have to lie to me, Saint."

"This isn't a place for a saint." Keaton muttered, however it was still audible.

"Then what are you?"

"Lost."

"And you expect me to be a shepherd?" Patricia laughed warmly, in contrast to the rest of the building she was almost a calming influence. The problem was that she was the architect for it all.

"I'm not saying that, I just need another perspective on things." Keaton threw up his hands in defiance.

"And you've come here."

"I have." Keaton answered succinctly.

"Despite that fact that I know you have friends, you have a partner and more."

"I could ask them, but I just feel like you have the answer."

"Because of the kind of person I am?" Patricia posed the question with a knowing smile. She could read Keaton's thoughts like a book because at this point in time he was making it excessively easy to do so. The unnerving lift ride had more of an effect on Keaton than even he knew.

"Yes."

"Tell me Keaton, what kind of person do you think I am?"

"A decadent fetishist." Keaton responded immediately.

"I don't think you even know what to say about me, do you?"

"I don't have the words for it."

"I guess you don't." Patricia sighed. "I'm someone who knows who they are and I have taken much comfort in that, I am at peace. Keaton, you're not."

"I already know that."

"Then I hope you can understand that I'm not the person and this isn't the place for you."

"I didn't come here to be told no." Keaton looked at Patricia with a certain amount of confidence, Keaton knew the reasons why he came and he knew it would not be a wasted trip.

"which is admirable in some respects, but like I said--"

"--And like I said."

"Don't get smart with me, I've got someone who can give you something."

"Who?" Keaton asked. "And what?"

"Friend of mine, lives out near Hayward."

"I've--"

"Any wrestler worth anything has been near there, but this is a different place."

"What does that mean?"

"It's a solution, your problem is that you've fallen into a routine of fighting against yourself." Patricia smiled. "All of this pent-up illness you've got festering inside you has become a detriment to how you are and can be, you're predictable in the ring and you're working to a lower level than you should be capable of."

"I already knew most of that."

"You need to reach a consensus within yourself, only then can you truly advance. Stay like this and you gain nothing except a few crude images of stuff you just weren't meant to see."

"The lift?"

"Worse than that."

"I won't ask then."

"Keaton."

"Yes?"

"Next time, don't come unannounced. My number hasn't changed and you have no need to be that cold."

"what?"

"Just like I said, you didn't have to go out of your way just to have this conversation with me."

"I felt like I'd gain more by coming."

"Perhaps you're right. I'm sure we'll know in due course."

"Maybe."

"Drink?"

"I don't drink."

"I didn't mean alcohol, there's plenty of stuff in. Take some time out and get yourself settled. I know Mike Z enough that he'll have all of the time in the world for you." Patricia smiled as she poured some sort of carbonated drink into a pair of glass cups. Keaton took the offer up and began to sit down and reflect on his actions. Coming to a place like this wasn't part of his M.O but desperate times called for something like this. A conflicted Saint could never hope to stand up to someone like Delikado but a refuelled Saint, a Saint ready to take on the world would be the right opponent. All Keaton had to do was figure out how to invoke it again.

==========

The Other Gatekeeper

One moniker I was given by the fans came about purely from the Experts.

They called me the Gatekeeper.

It stuck, it stuck for a good reason. It was real, it meant something in a world where every second wrestler tries to come up with some variation of "super-awesome great guy." The Gatekeeper is just something that felt right at the time, it felt real enough that I wanted to take it on board and believe in it. Perhaps now I'm starting to realise just how dangerous it all was.

Instead of being the test that all great wrestlers had to pass through, I became the guy who ended up unlocking the potential of one of the most dangerous wrestlers to ever spawn in APW. Being a gatekeeper contributed to the dominance of a man who could become the Undisputed champion regardless of everything I did to work against it.

Being a gatekeeper is a dangerous thing. It's not just about being a gatekeeper. there are plenty who would challenge you and they fall into categories. Those who can't pass, those who pass and those who circumvent. You have to work against those who intend to cheat their way past you whilst retaining as much of a block as you can on those who aim to become legitimately great. Being a gatekeeper comes at the cost of possibly being the one who unlocks the potential of a great force. Our problems, as they have been for a while stem from the potential unlocking from a great force for the wrong side of wrestling. I did my best to stop it from happening, now I need someone to unlock my own potential.

It's very true though, being a gatekeeper is dangerous. You always seem to contribute to the power of a wrestling phenomenon. As dangerous as it might be, you've got everything on you to elevate me to a greater level. Being a gatekeeper is dangerous, but when you contribute to the evolution and growth of a real professional wrestler then it creates a chance to do great things.

There are plenty of ways of saying that someone has Paragon Problems. when it comes to this match, the problems you have come from one source. I'm no longer bound to keep a gate, I'm here to wrestler and overcome the obstacles laid out before me. So keep the gate ready, I want to pass right though once more.

==========

Boss Feelings

How does it feel to be a boss?

I don't know and I should be thankful for that. One thing I recall about any boss is that eventually they're proven to be nothing more than an obstacle. As a boss, you're just the impediment to progress, not an outright end to it. I've struggled to come to terms with my own conflicting feelings on a variety of things, but the change has done me good. You're still a boss, an unchanging obstacle for myself and every other challenger to climb over.

It's what brings us all to Shockwave.

One thing I absolutely cannot let you do is win without a fight. I'm going to scratch and claw my way into this to prove that if you intend to retain that title you're going to have to bloody well work for it. Far too much time has gone into demoting the Overdrive title into nothing more than a stepping stone. It should never be the case. This is a title that means something important so to see you hold it and to know how you got it in the first place forces my hand.

I'm here to show a fact, not to theorise or to assume. the fact is you currently hold the Overdrive championship, I want it. I want to prove that I am a better wrestler than you on one of the biggest nights of the year. I want to prove in an atmosphere that works against all of us that your reign was nothing more than a gift from Terry Marvin. I want to prove it to the fans and to myself, once you're proven wrong then I can lay this conflict to rest.

Delikado, how does it feel to be a boss? Now tell me how it feels like to be a mid-boss. It all comes down to a moment like this, proof of my existence and a chance to show that your boss status is nothing more than a way for all of us to prove you're not on the same level. Stay a boss, I want to be a champion. Come Shockwave, we might actually see it happen.

==========

Z for Zen

Keaton could not be sure of how long it had been, it felt like a few days at least and yet there was no antagonising thought, no conflict in the way that transpired over the previous weeks. Whatever Keaton had studied with Mike Z had a major effect on him, however Keaton could not recall what it was in the slightest. He had achieved a greater sense of self, comfort in his own skin and yet Keaton could not ascertain why he couldn't remember what had gone on over the last few days.

"What happened over the last couple of days?" Keaton felt compelled to ask.

"Can't remember?" Mike Z replied.

"Well, yeah."

"Call it a side effect of the method, however you have reached a consensus in your head at least."

"I believe so."

"And rightfully so as well."

"How do you mean?"

"The timing of all this, it's just about right."

"Shockwave."

"That's what this is all about for you."

"Yes."

"So the knowledge you've gained just now should prove useful."

"Knowledge is nothing without the wisdom.

"Very true." Mike Z sighed. "Anyhow, Just so you know."

"What?"

"I'm not real." Mike Z said as he began to fade away, the surrounding area also began to twist and turn like an oil painting until Keaton was back in the Void with Patricia.

"What the hell?" Keaton could only muster those words.

"Hallucinogenic properties, strong in those who are willing to explore their minds." Patricia spoke calmly.

"You drugged me?"

"All natural ingredients, you basically had a vision quest."

"but you--"

"--did you see Mike Z?"

"Yeah."

"Was he everything you imagined?"

"Yeah, I think he kinda was."

"You wanted the assist, there it was."

"But I still have no idea what happened."

"You're not supposed to."

"Why not?"

"Part of the deal, you go into your own little vision quest and come back with a certain amount of enlightenment."

"I cannot believe I let you do this to me."

"You didn't know, but that's part of the magic."

"Part of the bloody magic, I'll sh--"

"you'll show me what?"

"I'll show you... I don't know."

"Well how about you just answer a couple of questions?"

"Okay."

"Do you feel in consensus with your mind?"

"I believe so."

"Do you feel as if you know what action to take at Shockwave?"

"I guess."

"You came to this place because you wanted an answer. Perhaps it wasn't what you expected but I hope you got your answer, after all you're the one who gave it to yourself."

"I what with the what now?"

"You solved your own conflict."

"But how?"

"Through exploring your own mind, it's a lesson you shan't forget."

"Because i can't remember it in the first place!"

"Keaton, just listen. Are you prepared for Shockwave now?"

"I think I am." Keaton spoke with a certain amount of disbelief. The confidence in his words was strong enough that they filled the air for a few moments.

"that's the only answer that matters, all you need to do now is put it in action. Your gain, their loss."