TTSoTWD Side Character Gallery

[Delikado]

Some-Kinda-Something-Productions presents

The True Story of Total World Domination
A Cuban Warrior's Tale of Madness and Shenanigans
Character Guide

Deli Tee Vee

Sofia Monzón: Delikado's ex-girlfriend and the current second-in-command of Deli Tee Vee. The two (that is, Delikado and Sofia) were a "power couple" for several years, raising hell and having crazy sexual adventures to the point it set crap on fire, before Sofia broke up with Delikado in an ugly episode involving human-operated robots fighting in addition to some robo-sodomy, a war with Russians, a Giant Spooky Apple, and a finger gun shootout in a cemetery. Delikado in turn solidified the breakup by kicking Sofia off a roof into a hole, which he then covered with a giant billboard by shooting a rocket launcher at it, burying her for a time. The two have both since sworn they've made peace as they work together on making Deli Tee Vee the greatest entertainment empire ever, but they still try to screw each other over on occasion for personal gain and emotional satisfaction.

While her narcissism is not on the same level as Delikado's, Sofia is still quite manipulative and physically dangerous to the point of sadism, with her brandishing a whip that she uses frequently. With the idea of expanding upon Deli Tee Vee's list of achievements (see: getting one achievement), as well as to get one over on Delikado, Sofia made her professional wrestling debut during the 2013 Survive and Conquer, lasting a stunning, untouchably badass SIX minutes with ZERO eliminations! Around the same time it was also learned Sofia has a twin sister, named Vivienne, who became a nun, much to Sofia's dismay, as she became the last of the Monzón family with the ability to broaden the influence of the name. No doubt this task, as well as the bitterness of Survive and Conquer, has hardened Sofia's resolve to step up and make the world her bitch by every means necessary.


Godofredo: Delikado's cousin and a soldier of The League of Extraordinary Wrestlers. He follows orders to the letter and has no problem taking care of messes Delikado tells him to.


First Lieutenant Daleatucuerpoalegriamacarena: Pope Delikado's trusty steed he rides to the ring. He fought in the Gulf War, personally wiping out an entire battalion of Iraqis, so you know he will keep the Holy Cuban Father safe from harm.


Jet and Moss Carrington: Nobody knows if they're brothers, cousins, lovers, or what, but what IS known is that the Carringtons are the definition of spineless, cowardly "yes men." Both proclaim their greatest claim to fame is having been Kurt Noble's best buddies back before he became a crippled douchebag and rod-gobbler, but since Noble stopped taking their calls or acknowledging their existence, they've gone to work for Delikado. When they DO get screen-time, it's often to worship Delikado without shame, or to provide lowbrow comments while eating junk food. Though they have longing for the older days when they were a tag team that actually tasted gold and victory, both are too weak and lazy to go about reviving their stagnant careers on their own, leaving them chained to Deli Tee Vee and with a free-will that is virtually non-existent. Basically they are dumb muscle...without the muscle.


Dee-Struction Forte: Delikado's young daughter and only recognized child. She came to be from Deli banging a young, hopeful interviewer in a previous company (totally the interviewer's fault for being ambitious while Delikado was bored). The unplanned motherhood drove the interviewer insane, and when Delikado rejected all payment plans for the child with the reasoning that children are stupid, Dee-Struction was thrown into Delikado's front door from a moving motorcycle driven by the interviewer and her new stoner boyfriend as they rode off into the sunset, never to be seen again. When military school wouldn't accept her, Delikado took his pint-sized child into his DTV ranks to serve as a shameless promotional tactic, alongside the occasional puppy. Rumor has it that despite being so young, Dee-Struction already wields her Papa's mean-streak and general sociopathic attitude like a pro.


Dr. Apartment: "Doc. App". Delikado's doctor who made his first appearance when Delikado contracted rabies from a rabid bunny rabbit. He basically serves to deal Delikado medication to keep his rabies in check, suppressing some of Delikado's more violent ravings and attacks, though sometimes he uses the drugs on himself to get high. Nonetheless, he does possess a moral code unlike most of the rest of the team, keeping a look out for the health and safety of others, not to mention Delikado's own condition.

He now serves as a doctor to Ariel Hassle during her pregnancy, and at one point he talked her out of aborting the child. After being heavily injured by an angry mob, Delikado attempted to fix the damage, particularly a grotesque lump that had appeared on the good doctor's leg, by smashing both of Apartment's legs with a toilet seat cover. The trauma put Dr. Apartment into a coma. He has since awakened from the coma, but is now confined to a wheelchair. This has led him to become extremely honest, but it has also infused into his mind an unshakable belief system in doing what is TRULY right, not just what seems to be the biggest advantage. These traits make him quite the unique one among Delikado and the gang.


Ariel Hassle: The current girlfriend of Delikado. Probably the most "innocent" of the group, Ariel never partakes in the beatings and bullying tactics of Delikado or Deli Tee Vee, instead staying to the side to play cheerleader or offer naive advice. She is pregnant with Delikado's child, with Dr. Apartment serving as her doctor and also her moral support, due to Delikado being out and about having fun, largely ignoring the issue. After Dr. Apartment was placed in a wheelchair and made less capable as a "quick on his feet doctor", Ariel embraced her pregnancy and has begun to change into a stronger, more intelligent and courageous woman, even taking a selfless mother-figure approach to Dee-Struction.


Ron Reynolds: Number 1 on Delikado's 'I hate you' list, though the actual reason has never been announced or even implied. Delikado simply hates Ron Reynolds, and will often go into cruel, extended verbal detail to let the man know it. Reynolds himself is obsessed with ratings for Deli Tee Vee, and he is always looking for chances to make them better. Why Delikado doesn't fire Ron Reynolds, or why Ron doesn't quit from all the abuse he takes, is a mystery. Nonetheless, anytime Ron Reynolds speaks in Delikado's presence, you can expect belittling, mocking gestures, or a good old "Shut up, Ron Reynolds" to follow. To the surprise of many, he's recently taken up the mantle of a bold, almost respectable fighter in the ranks of the DTV team, but you can rest assured Delikado still won't give him the time of day.

Lately, however, Ron Reynolds has shown a more prideful side and his hunger for ratings has moved beyond an obsession into a near complete control of his life, to the point he takes credit for things he actually has little, if any, involvement in. Speaking of which, did you know Ron Reynolds invented capitalism? He told me so five minutes ago. His image is also growing quite popular in the Deli Tee Vee merchandise department, lending him something of a cult following as the unappreciated bloodline of DTV across the globe.


Lily Smith: An APW makeup lady who Delikado slept with his first few weeks into the company. When the relationship was discovered by President Jeff walking in on them in his office, atop all the records and important documents and a Prez Jeff poster, Lily was fired (Delikado kept his job because Jeff admired the guts of a man who would dare to bang a girl on a picture of his own face), though Delikado brought her to Deli Tee Vee as a makeup lady and his "something on the side". The Cuban quickly realized he would have to pay her for that, and that in certain lights and angles she looked like a dude, so he fired her and ended the relationship. Sofia proceeded to hire Lily back to spite her ex, and now the ex-makeup lady does.........She hangs around and makes chit-chat. Yeah. Like Ariel Hassle, Lily is not much for combat, but her knowledge on how to use stinky perfume to one's advantage is second to none. Yaaaaay...


Cardinal Sniper: The personal announcer to Pope Delikado XXX. He was also recently promoted to being a soldier in the League of Extraordinary Wrestlers.


Jimmy Gooch: Son of APW wrestler Buckson Gooch, he is also Delikado's apprentice and often serves as the Cuban's "go-to-guy" (despite being only 16) when Delikado needs to hear himself talk and nobody else is around or will listen. Jimmy believes these talks are "life lessons" being passed down to train him for the future, and thus listens intently. On his own, Jimmy has been described as a hipster with dreams and ambitions of his own.

The Pakikipagbuno Dynasty

Charlot of Brest: The Titan Boss of All Things Wrestling and French, the head of the Pakikipagbuno family, and the French mother to Delikado. Little is known about her, except that she was a wrestler herself years ago and participated in an event known as the "Threesome Wars", and there's also a rumor she sold her soul to the Wrestling Devil years ago in return for eternal good-looks, possibly explaining why she looks so young compared to Delikado and the rest of her many children gained from a variety of lovers. Once a powerful figure who had pull across the globe, she is in the twilight of her influence as both a Queen Boss, and as a mother.

The Batay Kindred

Georges Biassou: The 13-year old Bòs Travay of the Batay wrestling dynasty. He was manipulated for years by his older cousin, who is no longer "on the scene", and has really only recently come to claim real leadership. His talent consists mostly of a fragile Haitian membership that presently resides in Cuba for a variety of reasons, leaving the BK weaker than they were long ago. Georges and his dynasty played a crucial part in the "Threesome Wars" that also included the Pakikipagbuno Dynasty under Charlot of Brest, and the Noble Clan under John Charles Noble I. Allegedly the Batays, being largely guided by Georges' selfish cousin at the time, were prone to being "alliance sluts" who sided with whichever side in the war was more beneficial at the time. Georges ended up forging an alliance with the Nobles, a scene that was marred with controversy, though the arrangement was far from solid. Presently, the young "Boss" is in search of a new consejero (counselor) who can lead the return of his dynasty to the center of the professional wrestling spotlight.

The Noble Clan

John Charles Noble I: Head of the Noble Clan, which is based out of snowy Canada. For many, many years he has struggled to branch out his wrestling family into warmer climates, namely in the islands of the Bahamas, but the endeavors have been largely unsuccessful, resulting in the somewhat botched "Threesome Wars" that included the Batay Kindred and the Pakikipagbuno Dynasty. As his final months pass with extreme illness, John struggles to find a proper successor, and he refuses to step down until one is named. His first (and best) choice was his eldest son Kurt Noble, but Kurt's retirement from wrestling ended this plan. Meanwhile he finds it hard to trust his other son, John Charles II, to take up the mantle for a few reasons: Noble II is petty and described as "dull" with little to no charisma in a business where charisma is practically required, he is rumored to suffer from physical sicknesses of his own, and his new bride, Debra Mason-Noble, comes off as extremely ambitious and dangerously cunning--she is said to whisper all sorts of dark things into her husband's ear, poisoning his thoughts for her own gain. Individually, all of these would be tolerable, but combined together in one man meant to lead the Nobles into an age without their "golden goose" in Kurt Noble, these are dangerous flaws. Nonetheless, John I may not be left with much choice who takes over the leadership of his family...


John Charles Noble II: He is the soon-to-be head of the Noble Clan in wrestling, due to the expected death of his sickly father John Charles Noble I and the retirement of his elder brother Kurt. Called more often by his middle name "Charles", he is also the President of the colossal cruise ship Utopia, which can allegedly sail across any part of the globe as it wishes without international harassment or a permit. Pope Delikado pushed for war against Noble and his Clan for their career-ending attack on his lawyer Manny Valdez, but the issue has seemingly cooled off after a deal was made and peace reigns...for now.


Debra Mason-Noble: Wife to Charles Noble II and a well-connected businesswoman. She is said to be very cunning, leading to a belief that she is the one with all the real power in the Noble Clan...


Ewan Jakeway: The masked man who formerly worked as the reporter/journalist/media commentator for "Totally Exciting News ‘n Stuff News". He originally appeared as one who sought to cooperate with Delikado in order to gather major ratings with the emergence of the Deli Tee Vee entertainment empire. However, when he saw the barbaric, random lengths Delikado would go to achieve the ratings Jakeway spoke of, the masked man became appalled and abandoned his desires for glory in the mass media. Now he works as a chronicler for the ailing John Charles Noble I, father of Kurt Noble and Charles Noble II. Ewan was also a wrestler at one time, but his career was short and uneventful.

The Carnies

Joey the Lizardman: When Joey was growing up, "he" was actually a "she" named Josephine, and she wanted to be a salamander. Life, needless to say, effing sucked for Josephine, who became a man and a lizard instead. Now Joey serves as the sssssssslithering member of the "original" carnival group led by Edger Gallagher. He seems to be the most compassionate of his fellow carnies, which should strike you as odd because well....dude...c'mon, LOOK AT HIM! After "future endeavoring" the backstabbing Gallagher and The Mime, Delikado allowed Lizardman and Sha-Nay-Nay to remain at the carnival, being specifically ostracized to the toxic waste section, under the pretense they'd make nice cannon fodder.


Sha-Nay-Nay: A bear with a hat on his head; part of the "original" carnival group. Pretty self-explanatory. Oddly enough (or not if you're used to the randomness by now), the other carnies seem to be able to understand him. He speaks fluent bear-Chinese when subtitles are turned on. Recently, after Delikado "future endeavored" Gallagher and The Mime for their deception, Sha-Nay-Nay and Joey the Lizardman were designated a section in the toxic waste dump part of the carnival in which to live.

Former Characters

Edger G. Gallagher: The somewhat posh original owner of the carnival that Delikado established as the new base of Deli Tee Vee while he (Gallagher) was gone. He takes the ownership of his carnival very seriously, and he will let nobody, especially the "rapscallion" Delikado and his gang, take it from him. He also talks weird. Probably the poshness. At one point he secured his carnival back after winning a bet between himself and Deli, but the Cuban was able to strike up a new deal acquiring Deli Tee Vee 80% of the carnival in exchange for Delikado's help in fighting off a vicious invasion by an Adélie Penguin colony. Delikado succeeded and reclaimed the carnival, even as Gallagher tried to help the penguins murder him, and Da Bawse responded to the betrayal by kicking Gallagher into a bottomless sinkhole, sealing the deranged carny Ringleader's fate.


The Mime: A mime who serves as part of the "original" carnival group that unknowingly lost their home (the circus) when Delikado and the gang took control while Gallagher and his workers were away. There's not much to go on with this guy, although something feels...off about him, and it's not just because he's a mime, though that doesn't help his case. Mimes are weird, yo. After the Adélie Penguin colony was stopped in its invasion of the carnival, Gallagher was kicked into a bottomless sinkhole by Delikado for trying to sabotage the entire group, and The Mime tried to escape. He was "shot" by Delikado's mimed finger gun and then "hanged" by a "noose" that Delikado "threw" around his neck.


Midge the Midget: Because every respectable carnival has a midget. Yes, I know "little person" or "dwarf" is the more politically correct term, and yes I know what "midge" means elsewhere. Stop mucking up my game. Anyway, Midge belonged to the carnies that once ran the carnival that is now under the control of Deli Tee Vee. Little is known about Midge, other than she was a midget from Toronto named Midge. Not much else was learned about her, as prior to the final battle with the Adélie Penguin colony that was invading the carnival, Midge tried to leave due to exhaustion and feeling that staying was "a chore"; Gallagher responded to her desires to leave by mercilessly stuffing her into a magician's box, turning her into an egg in the process. He then squashed the egg, trapping Midge in the next dimension forever.


Manny Valdez: "Lawyer Man". Delikado's longtime lawyer, as well as the lawyer for everyone else in Deli Tee Vee. He's somewhat flamboyant and a drunk, but he somehow keeps Delikado from going to jail for all the crap he pulls off week after week with his "law-degree earned opinion"...despite no one ever seeing him do any actual lawyer work, and Manny having a severe allergy to paperwork. Even though he's a man of the law with a Harvard education, Manny still participates in the shenanigans Deli and the gang get involved in with very little resistance or thought. One week after Delikado's "rebirth" and transformation into Pope Delikado XXX, Manny was attacked and "sent to the next dimension" when members of the Noble Clan attacked him and stuck rolls of paper up his nostrils, causing Valdez's allergies to go wild and bring an end to his career. This action, in addition to the Pope holding views that Charles Noble II is a threat to all that is Good in wrestling, would ignite the fiery Cuban Pope to push for war against the Nobles.