Better Days #2: Red Letter Days

[Smash INC]

Keaton Saint in...
Better Days #2: Red Letter Days

It's hard for me to pinpoint an exact moment where everything changed, perhaps it's always been this way and I've been blinded by other things to miss it for so long. But the realisation that I am not the man I claimed to be is a trying and difficult dose of reality, a bitter pill to swallow if you will. Terry Marvin has defined the majority of my time here, regardless of how I'd prefer that not to be the case and it is because of his presence that reality has been an oppressive one. I used to excuse myself to his actions by believing that it had only been a short time since he made it to the top, but with Shockwave rapidly approaching the excuse is running thin. Terry Marvin defends against Stefan Raab and if he can conquer Mr. Eurovision then there is a very real chance for him to spend a year as the Undisputed champion. A year is a very long time in wrestling terms and the great feeling of paranoia I have now is that the year will be defined by a man whose actions hold no honour.

The worst part of all this is that I was in the best position to stop it from ever happening, Test for the Best is an important occasion for many people in APW and it serves as the prime moment for someone to make themselves known. Terry Marvin did that last year just before he began his reign, a reign I could have stopped from ever beginning. The power was in my hands, or so I'd like to believe.

The problem is that I find myself pinning that moment down as the precise time that I began to see that I was not the man I claimed to be. To face a foe as tenacious and constant as Terry Marvin was last year gave me no reason to come into the match with less than my best, I gave it everything and it didn't live up to what was needed. Marvin won, I failed in my duty and we're all now experiencing the consequence of a folly I have responsibility for.

It didn't have to be this way.

The problem I face now is that it is, the problem I face now is that one of the New Sindicate will enter Test for the Best and be ever closer to making Terry Marvin's year a whole one. I look back at my match with Aubrey Parker and I wonder what else could have been done, because what I did wasn't enough. It didn't have to be that way, I should have stopped it. A real Paragon would have been able to.

That's something for me to think about, Parker and Alexander get to wrestle and one of them gets to make it through. The fact of that is complete, the implications of it are damaging and the potential for bad things to happen is approaching a certainty. A Paragon would have been better.

I've embarked on a career built upon the idea that I represent a high purpose in the sport, I've lived my life in the ring on the basis that I was pushing to prove that nobody had to lose themselves in the process of becoming a success. That made the Saint, that made the Paragon and the wrestler one and the same. It also proved to some extent that I am lacking in both regards. The man who pushed everything aside stands on top of the world, those who chose to follow him are still ahead of me and despite living to the honour I know is right, I know something I did was not enough. When the Sindicate are guaranteed a place and a chance to make history, it raises big questions. Terry Marvin is close to rounding out a year as the Undisputed champion and beyond that he's close to becoming a kingmaker in another regard. The man who sacrificed himself gained everything in the world of wrestling. A true Paragon would have been able to prove beyond doubt that his way was not the right one.

It might not be an exact science, but the idea that I could have and I should have done more are very complete. I have taken on monikers over the years that have represented me. The Paragon, an unassailable person in terms of how much I was willing to give to the sport. The Patron Saint, because the sport is my patron and my oxygen. The Gatekeeper, because I was able to open doors for others even, perhaps especially by a loss. Those are things that have attached themselves to me through the experiences I have received in the ring. But I am not the unassailable person I once believed I was. A Paragon would have been able to accomplish more. I am not a Patron Saint because the patron has seen harm come under my care. Aubrey Parker's recent victory lends the idea of the Gatekeeper some credibility, but if the only doors opening are for those who would harm the sport then what worth is it?

All of this and only now do I come to the definitive part of what awaits me and many more on Asylum. The last chance, the final stop for all of us save one. Test for the Best requires the challengers to face something far beyond their average capabilities, and for someone like me who has difficulty finding the necessary consistency it proves to be a more challenging prospect.

It is a significant moment, although it is one tempered by the fact that it didn't have to be this way. I could have had two chances in one night, now the opportunity is given a cursed status. Only one can survive, the rest are damned to wait in the APW equivalent of purgatory. The significance is not lost on me, it's a moment and a match where everyone has to bring something different to survive. I need to know where I stand in the ring even if I am losing faith in my own abilities. The Paragon falters, but the man must go on.

Terry Marvin has experienced success on a scale few will ever see again, but we're not so deeply entwined that his every positive leads to a negative for me. This isn't the ying-yang and we're not twins by any respect but his successes has been a point of contention for me. I wanted to be able to prove that I could defeat him when it mattered, the failure in that task allowed him the chance to ascend even further. The idea of an apotheosis was something that always intrigued me, but Terry Marvin truly experienced it. Something that now serves as a healthy reminder that he could have been stopped before it all began. I just happened to be the one who couldn't match up to the task at hand.

Two weeks holding a championship leading into the biggest event of the year in the sport and it's a stark reminder that my consistency was a bigger issue than I ever really knew. It brings me to this point in time, wondering where the exact moment was when I lost the ideal image of what the Saint could be. Keaton Saint was a name etched onto the World Heavyweight Championship, now in the history of that title it serves as a footnote for the reign of another. Terry Marvin will get a page or more in that book, I can't help but be somewhat envious of the idea that I could have been the one with the groundbreaking reign.

The question to that would be what would have happened had I lost MY way as a champion. Thankfully, that never has to be answered and my belief fuels me beyond the allure of any set of weighted gold.

But the allure of the title was never the main factor for me, it's the chance to become the greatest wrestler of the generation. It brought me to APW because this was the only place that question could be answered, regardless if the result didn't match my hopes. It's what reminds me that the success I have craved is not reduced to simply beating an opponent. we fight to prove the dominance of our ideas, something where Terry Marvin has been winning for a long time.

It's all a reminder, all of it is a piece of memory that continues to teach me about what might have been. I am not the man I have claimed to be, the Paragon was unparalleled and I have opponents who have gone beyond the parallels entirely. The Saint was something to eternally walk in the face of danger but the danger became less about the journey and more about the enemy, an enemy that became more than a danger.

It is still something that must be faced, the reign I had with the World Heavyweight Championship is not something I'm here to build or rebuild on. the wrestler I have always been, outside of the monikers and ideals is a man who is committed to competing against the absolute pinnacles of the sport. Asylum is always a big occasion for various reasons. The significance may fluctuate at times but the truth is always there. A last chance for all involved to make it to Test for the Best will always make the thinkers think and the doers prepare for the happening.

It's still a red letter day for all involved.

When it comes to last chances, I'm starting to feel as though I know far too much about them. Perhaps it might serve me well to have the experience because the wrestling standard in this match will be far beyond the usual fare, even for Asylum. It's the sort of chance that everyone dreads and welcomes at the same time. Something like this match will always bring up the standard, so this is a match in which everyone is delivering just that bit more in order to surpass their own limitations. None of us are unbeatable, that makes the goal more attainable. It's a serious enough possibility that even Reaver won't treat it with the same jest that he would do to other things, the reality of the situation has set in for me and it's a simple one. Keaton Saint must survive.

When reality sets in, options change.

I may not be the best wrestler, but the only thing that matters is that on Asylum I must become the winner of the match. Hope lives on, the Saint still marches and in some way Keaton Saint WILL carry on.

Because what other option is left?