Post by Jake Titan on Jun 30, 2013 19:46:52 GMT -4
Once more we find Jake Titan as Captain Walkers in a horrendous Star Trek/Wars parody. Sitting alone at his desk, Captain Walkers is recording what could be one of his final logs. A Roy Rogers is starting to sweat as the Captain contemplates the events of the day. Reaching aside, he pulls out a bottle Seagram’s Extra Dry Gin, Walker drinks straight from the bottle then sips his Roy Rogers.
“Captains Log, 2321.6, it seems that I will die from this intergalactic Sexually Transmitted Disease known as Mutated Avian Bird Flu. There’s so much work ahead of me left to do as I fear death like any man. So many worlds to start wars on, so many hot, sexy alien women to screw all night long, with only a day to live, there has to be a cure.” Walkers flipped through an ancient tome.
The cover reads “21st Century & You: The Dummies Edition”, whatever the cure could be. Walker would read this book and try to find it. Skipping the massive index of different types of pornography and fetishes, Walker heads straight to the diseases and curatives and speed reads the pages quickly. However, his face lighten’s up as “Also Sprach Zurathrusta” plays in the background and he finds something.
“Computer!” shouted Walker at no one.
“Sup?!” said the deep, raspy, male voice of his computer.
“Get all my friends together in the meeting room. I have a monumental discovery I need to share.” Walker jumped off the chair and started running out towards the elevator.
Meanwhile in the assembly room, a room meant for three hundred of the four hundred person crew, only four people are sitting in chairs. A banner reading W.I.M.P.S, or “Worldly Interplanetary Management Peacemaking Society” hangs over an announcing podium. Brave Captain Walkers stands before them and clears his throat.
“Good news everyone, I may have found a cure for this terminal disease. I may yet still live and not deprive you of my company.” Hoping to hear their joy, Walkers smiled at his four friends.
Instead of hearing cheering and celebration that he’d live, Walkers only got complaining and whining from the four people who claim to be his friends. Dr. Screws, aka Liberty Roberts, is heard sobbing loudly. “No! This can’t be!”
Another man who looked like a green crossbreed Vulcan and Wookie held the sides of his head, trying to keep it from exploding. “Oh God! WHY!? WHY!?”
“Why does he have to live? This isn’t happen, this isn’t happening!” Another alien crewmate, who looked the Vulture from Spiderman, just gave off a loud ear splitting screech. Yet, Captain Walker wasn’t in the lease bit stopped by this new revelation.
“Why did you have to give us bad news and me Volture drink Vodka?” A Russian Janitor said as he stood by, trying to control his emotions.
The half Vulcan/half Wookie crewmate looked over at the Janitor. “I know you’re Russian but why are you drinking Vodka? Aren’t your people allergic to Vodka, Volture?”
Upon that realization, Volture gasped loudly and exploded upon realization. Feathers and vulture organs fly around the room and land on the few people there. However, Captain Walkers slammed his fist down on the podium. “Shut up!” He commanded.
“I only have fourteen hours to live.” Suddenly a 24 cut over appears on screen and interrupts his speech.
A confused Walker looked around, trying to find someone who didn’t exist. “Ummm. What in the bloody Hell that all about?”
“Ugh I’m too wasted to clean up.” The Janitor complained as he drank more Vodka.
“Shut up, Drunky! We only have so much time, but I found my plan. I have to resurrect, COLONEL SANDERS! He is the only one who can save me now.” A large logo of Kentucky Fried Chicken appeared in Walker’s hands.
“What the fuck are you holding?” Dr. Screws asked.
“It’s the logo and only historical picture remaining of Colonel Sanders; he’s the man who created KFC.”
Once more his crossbreed crewmate stood up. “What is KFC?”
“Well, back in the 20th century, humanity was consumed with eating the grease covered fat and skin of animals.” He pointed to the cross breed once more.
“Ah, just like the cannibal tribes of the Amazon or Smithsonian.”
“Yes, not only was human skin delicious but it was also nice and quiet healthy for you.“
“But why bring him of all people back to life?” Dr. Screws wiped away her tears.
Walkers looked to Dr. Screws. “Well, nobody in time knows more about birds than Colonel Sanders. Therefore, he’s the ONLY one who can save my life.”
A loud buzzer rang out. The director cried out cut and the scene for Jake’s movie “Space Movie” had ended. Unable to take the nasty wig any longer, Jake ripped it off his scalp and threw it at wardrobe. Liberty also wiped her makeup off, and looked at Jake.
“This movie so far is horrible.” Liberty said angrily.
All Jake could do was shrug his shoulders. “Meh, I know but its more money in your grandpap’s pocket and more for your college education.”
Seeing her father, Liberty waved at him and Leon walked over. Noticing the horrible hair piece, Leon had to snicker. “I see like our matches, I get the better end of the stick.”
“Hey, shut up! I’m only doing this crappy role and got her a job doing it because you wanted alone time. It’s my fault you were stupid enough to have four kids.” Jake slapped the back of Leon’s head.
The Virus simply smiled back and slapped the back of Jake’s head. “At least it’s better than having eleven illegitimate children and playing child support on ten of them.”
Furiously, Jake waved his hands to silence Leon. “SHHH! I told you in confidence!”
Several people that were close enough to hear are heard laughing. So much information is thrown around but none if is really surprising is it? Removing the rest of his costume, Jake reveals he’s wearing his street clothes underneath. Curious, Leon had to ask.
“So you REALLY wore you normal clothes under your costume? Go change Lib.” Leon pointed his daughter towards her dressing room and she ran off.
Heavy with perspire, Jake grabbed a bottle of water and poured the contents over his face. “Ah yeah, I don’t get my own dressing room. They’re busy fumigating or filming some movie called ‘Devin Does Dallas’ in it. I am NOT going in there if it’s that second one.”
Unable to control himself, Leon had to say it. “Really? From your time in jail, I thought you WOULD enjoy it. I mean you do enjoy being my bitch after all.”
Tiring of Leon suddenly, Jake threw his empty bottle at him. “Screw you man. You’re always dropping your daughter off on my steps. You’re always asking me to baby sit the triplets. I’d say you’re a neglectful and disconnected father but you’re there! And I don’t see burn scars… yet.”
“Hate to break it to, not everyone had a crappy father like you.”
“My father wasn’t there.” He softly tapped the side of Leon’s head, making the Canadian Devil angrier.
“I swear to God, I will break your hand off if you don’t stop doing that.”
“Then don’t talk down to me. I’m aware you and everyone else in APW feel I’m the weak link. So what? The chain is only as strong as the weakest link. I’m not getting all the pin falls and I’m man enough to admit that. I’m strong enough to know I’m not the best, hence why I put a half assed effort in the Test for the Best. There was zero chance of me winning that, so why even bother? YOU on the other hand, you put your best effort forth and you couldn’t pull it off. So don’t come waltzing up with that crap.”
“Shut up, just because I didn’t advance in the Test for the Best doesn’t mean I’m not. I just don’t need a lofty and stupid little tournament to prove it. I’m the better man in our team and I’m the best man in APW. Tournament and Championships, they’re just the petty way of proving you’re the best.” Leon reached out and patted his partner and friend on the back.
For once, Jake smiled and felt a little better about him and his current bad luck streak. “You see my point then. I’m not the best trash talker. I’m not the best wrestler, I can admit to that. Do you pick up the majority of the wins? Yes you do, do I pick up the majority of our loses? Yes I do. So we don’t need any worthless ass championships or tournaments to prove the Natural Born Killaz are the best. I mean look at Roddy Piper, Ricky Steamboat or The American Dragon. None of those guys were “The Man” but they’re all easily recognizable in their own ways for their contributions.”
“Oh yeah, Hogan held two back and Vince doesn’t believe in Bryan. But what do they got to do with, you, me or anything else for that matter?”
Funny he should mention that, Jake put an arm around his partner and friend and the two walked around set. “Well let’s look at it like this. Every team in the world has a captain and subordinate. We all can’t be the chiefs; we all have to follow orders sometime. In this case, look at me and you. You’re the leader of our team and I can accept that. I rather not be a leader, I’m not good at it. Even when I ran with the Bloods, I didn’t play any leader role because I didn’t WANT to be a captain, I didn’t mind being a boss of a few guys but it’s just too much hassle anyways. So if people like Reaver or Knox or whoever wants to look at me and say ‘Oh that’s Jake Titan, that’s Leon Roberts’ Slave/Bitch’ I’m cool with that. Because when we kick their sorry asses, they’ll be singing a new tune.
“Speaking about Reaver, what can I say? Pretentious, egotistical, narcissistic and above all, another Indian who wants to be chief and isn’t happy with his position-“
“I know you’re on a roll but can you even spell those words?” Unable to control himself, Leon had to ask something that bothered him.
“Not really, I’m not a dictionary and I have a G.E.D. to prove it. As I was saying, Foul Play is who we got to beat to get a chance at redemption right? This week, we each got to face them, one on one which is fine. As long as the other one doesn’t go snooping around and putting their noses where it just doesn’t belong, we aren’t going to have a problem. Then again, guys like Foul Play probably don’t fight alone and I’ll be seeing your man snooping around in my match. So when it’s your match, I’ll be down at ringside and I’ll keep my eyes out for Reaver.
”Oh and I need to apologize about the other week when I tweaked out. Being a coke mule and user for so long will eventually cause damage and I didn’t mean to just flip like that. So don’t worry, I’m not going to snap again anytime soon… I hope. I mean we all go a little crazy sometimes, but we all don’t need help for it. I mean sometimes a whack to my head will put screws back in their place; it’s just too bad I also lose my matches. What about Reaver? Well from what I’ve heard, the guy can’t get his screws put back in place. He needs a little professional help to get his head straight again. Is it a weakness? No, it’s always perfectly strong of him to admit that he’s not strong, that’s not good enough and needs help to become mentally healthy again. I myself cry myself to sleep.”
That’s a funny thought, which caused Leon snicker this comment. Thoughts Jake holding a Garfield plushy or some other stuffed toy came to his mind but Jake continued his rant. “I know it might be funny for you, but I’m laughing about see? HA HA HA! Reaver actually needs help to only become strong again but also to look strong. I’m strong in my own rights and I’ve come to terms with the fact I’m never going to be the best. So why dwell on the past and beat yourself up over it? Some people just can’t take it I guess. So Reaver rushes back to morbid curiosities like his Death Cards or he goes crying to a doctor to reaffirm him that he’s strong. Is it a little weak? When I think about it yes, he needs to reach out and ask other people or things if he’s strong.
“I am confident that I am strong enough to know that I’m not drop the ball this time. I’m not living in my glory days in my past lives or past federations. So to speak, I’ve awakened; I’m a new man with a new lease on life. I’m filming a movie, which might just be the most god awful piece of pig crap the world has seen since Uwe Boll but I’m having fun doing it and you’re having fun kicking asses. But Reaver, he’s unsure of himself and I’m going to capitalize on that. His guilty of conscience of not being THE MAN any more is eating him from the inside out. I mean the guy isn’t even aware of who he is on the conscious level, another thing that I have to play to my advantage. Because if his mind slips and he thinks that he’s back in Cuba, I got to bring him back to reality and beat him.
“Look at the last match we had, while my man Leon Roberts got a bloody lip, which counted against us, who did I make bleed like a stuff pig when I tripped your ass up and made you kiss the Turnbuckle? That was ME, Reaver. I was the one who busted you open that night. Oh and guess what? I also made your team leader, Jason Kash, bleed like a pig too! No offense to you Leon, but I made them both bleed. Not that you had nothing to do with it. You saved me a few times, so THANK YOU! We work as a team, we watch each other’s back but we’re not some scared little wimps that need to attack in numbers to make someone bleed. That’s right, STILL talking about the week you smashed Leon across the head with a Steel Chair on Overdrive. I scared you off to make the numbers fair. But when it came time to game time, you guys didn’t finish the job. I was the one who ended up making you two bleed.
“So you know what Reaver? You can come at me with the past. You can unbury my skeletons from JWA:EWA or GWE or PWC or wherever you can find them. It’s not going to make a lick of difference, I’m living in present. And right now, I am present. I don’t want the Reaver who’s been coming up short as of today, as you’re in the past; I want you to bring the former world CHAMPION Reaver here to fight me. This Monday on Meltdown, I want you to bring everything you got but I just want you to know ahead of time, it’s not going to be enough. Those who don’t learn from the past are doomed to repeat it, and I see it happening to you.”
“Captains Log, 2321.6, it seems that I will die from this intergalactic Sexually Transmitted Disease known as Mutated Avian Bird Flu. There’s so much work ahead of me left to do as I fear death like any man. So many worlds to start wars on, so many hot, sexy alien women to screw all night long, with only a day to live, there has to be a cure.” Walkers flipped through an ancient tome.
The cover reads “21st Century & You: The Dummies Edition”, whatever the cure could be. Walker would read this book and try to find it. Skipping the massive index of different types of pornography and fetishes, Walker heads straight to the diseases and curatives and speed reads the pages quickly. However, his face lighten’s up as “Also Sprach Zurathrusta” plays in the background and he finds something.
“Computer!” shouted Walker at no one.
“Sup?!” said the deep, raspy, male voice of his computer.
“Get all my friends together in the meeting room. I have a monumental discovery I need to share.” Walker jumped off the chair and started running out towards the elevator.
Meanwhile in the assembly room, a room meant for three hundred of the four hundred person crew, only four people are sitting in chairs. A banner reading W.I.M.P.S, or “Worldly Interplanetary Management Peacemaking Society” hangs over an announcing podium. Brave Captain Walkers stands before them and clears his throat.
“Good news everyone, I may have found a cure for this terminal disease. I may yet still live and not deprive you of my company.” Hoping to hear their joy, Walkers smiled at his four friends.
Instead of hearing cheering and celebration that he’d live, Walkers only got complaining and whining from the four people who claim to be his friends. Dr. Screws, aka Liberty Roberts, is heard sobbing loudly. “No! This can’t be!”
Another man who looked like a green crossbreed Vulcan and Wookie held the sides of his head, trying to keep it from exploding. “Oh God! WHY!? WHY!?”
“Why does he have to live? This isn’t happen, this isn’t happening!” Another alien crewmate, who looked the Vulture from Spiderman, just gave off a loud ear splitting screech. Yet, Captain Walker wasn’t in the lease bit stopped by this new revelation.
“Why did you have to give us bad news and me Volture drink Vodka?” A Russian Janitor said as he stood by, trying to control his emotions.
The half Vulcan/half Wookie crewmate looked over at the Janitor. “I know you’re Russian but why are you drinking Vodka? Aren’t your people allergic to Vodka, Volture?”
Upon that realization, Volture gasped loudly and exploded upon realization. Feathers and vulture organs fly around the room and land on the few people there. However, Captain Walkers slammed his fist down on the podium. “Shut up!” He commanded.
“I only have fourteen hours to live.” Suddenly a 24 cut over appears on screen and interrupts his speech.
A confused Walker looked around, trying to find someone who didn’t exist. “Ummm. What in the bloody Hell that all about?”
“Ugh I’m too wasted to clean up.” The Janitor complained as he drank more Vodka.
“Shut up, Drunky! We only have so much time, but I found my plan. I have to resurrect, COLONEL SANDERS! He is the only one who can save me now.” A large logo of Kentucky Fried Chicken appeared in Walker’s hands.
“What the fuck are you holding?” Dr. Screws asked.
“It’s the logo and only historical picture remaining of Colonel Sanders; he’s the man who created KFC.”
Once more his crossbreed crewmate stood up. “What is KFC?”
“Well, back in the 20th century, humanity was consumed with eating the grease covered fat and skin of animals.” He pointed to the cross breed once more.
“Ah, just like the cannibal tribes of the Amazon or Smithsonian.”
“Yes, not only was human skin delicious but it was also nice and quiet healthy for you.“
“But why bring him of all people back to life?” Dr. Screws wiped away her tears.
Walkers looked to Dr. Screws. “Well, nobody in time knows more about birds than Colonel Sanders. Therefore, he’s the ONLY one who can save my life.”
A loud buzzer rang out. The director cried out cut and the scene for Jake’s movie “Space Movie” had ended. Unable to take the nasty wig any longer, Jake ripped it off his scalp and threw it at wardrobe. Liberty also wiped her makeup off, and looked at Jake.
“This movie so far is horrible.” Liberty said angrily.
All Jake could do was shrug his shoulders. “Meh, I know but its more money in your grandpap’s pocket and more for your college education.”
Seeing her father, Liberty waved at him and Leon walked over. Noticing the horrible hair piece, Leon had to snicker. “I see like our matches, I get the better end of the stick.”
“Hey, shut up! I’m only doing this crappy role and got her a job doing it because you wanted alone time. It’s my fault you were stupid enough to have four kids.” Jake slapped the back of Leon’s head.
The Virus simply smiled back and slapped the back of Jake’s head. “At least it’s better than having eleven illegitimate children and playing child support on ten of them.”
Furiously, Jake waved his hands to silence Leon. “SHHH! I told you in confidence!”
Several people that were close enough to hear are heard laughing. So much information is thrown around but none if is really surprising is it? Removing the rest of his costume, Jake reveals he’s wearing his street clothes underneath. Curious, Leon had to ask.
“So you REALLY wore you normal clothes under your costume? Go change Lib.” Leon pointed his daughter towards her dressing room and she ran off.
Heavy with perspire, Jake grabbed a bottle of water and poured the contents over his face. “Ah yeah, I don’t get my own dressing room. They’re busy fumigating or filming some movie called ‘Devin Does Dallas’ in it. I am NOT going in there if it’s that second one.”
Unable to control himself, Leon had to say it. “Really? From your time in jail, I thought you WOULD enjoy it. I mean you do enjoy being my bitch after all.”
Tiring of Leon suddenly, Jake threw his empty bottle at him. “Screw you man. You’re always dropping your daughter off on my steps. You’re always asking me to baby sit the triplets. I’d say you’re a neglectful and disconnected father but you’re there! And I don’t see burn scars… yet.”
“Hate to break it to, not everyone had a crappy father like you.”
“My father wasn’t there.” He softly tapped the side of Leon’s head, making the Canadian Devil angrier.
“I swear to God, I will break your hand off if you don’t stop doing that.”
“Then don’t talk down to me. I’m aware you and everyone else in APW feel I’m the weak link. So what? The chain is only as strong as the weakest link. I’m not getting all the pin falls and I’m man enough to admit that. I’m strong enough to know I’m not the best, hence why I put a half assed effort in the Test for the Best. There was zero chance of me winning that, so why even bother? YOU on the other hand, you put your best effort forth and you couldn’t pull it off. So don’t come waltzing up with that crap.”
“Shut up, just because I didn’t advance in the Test for the Best doesn’t mean I’m not. I just don’t need a lofty and stupid little tournament to prove it. I’m the better man in our team and I’m the best man in APW. Tournament and Championships, they’re just the petty way of proving you’re the best.” Leon reached out and patted his partner and friend on the back.
For once, Jake smiled and felt a little better about him and his current bad luck streak. “You see my point then. I’m not the best trash talker. I’m not the best wrestler, I can admit to that. Do you pick up the majority of the wins? Yes you do, do I pick up the majority of our loses? Yes I do. So we don’t need any worthless ass championships or tournaments to prove the Natural Born Killaz are the best. I mean look at Roddy Piper, Ricky Steamboat or The American Dragon. None of those guys were “The Man” but they’re all easily recognizable in their own ways for their contributions.”
“Oh yeah, Hogan held two back and Vince doesn’t believe in Bryan. But what do they got to do with, you, me or anything else for that matter?”
Funny he should mention that, Jake put an arm around his partner and friend and the two walked around set. “Well let’s look at it like this. Every team in the world has a captain and subordinate. We all can’t be the chiefs; we all have to follow orders sometime. In this case, look at me and you. You’re the leader of our team and I can accept that. I rather not be a leader, I’m not good at it. Even when I ran with the Bloods, I didn’t play any leader role because I didn’t WANT to be a captain, I didn’t mind being a boss of a few guys but it’s just too much hassle anyways. So if people like Reaver or Knox or whoever wants to look at me and say ‘Oh that’s Jake Titan, that’s Leon Roberts’ Slave/Bitch’ I’m cool with that. Because when we kick their sorry asses, they’ll be singing a new tune.
“Speaking about Reaver, what can I say? Pretentious, egotistical, narcissistic and above all, another Indian who wants to be chief and isn’t happy with his position-“
“I know you’re on a roll but can you even spell those words?” Unable to control himself, Leon had to ask something that bothered him.
“Not really, I’m not a dictionary and I have a G.E.D. to prove it. As I was saying, Foul Play is who we got to beat to get a chance at redemption right? This week, we each got to face them, one on one which is fine. As long as the other one doesn’t go snooping around and putting their noses where it just doesn’t belong, we aren’t going to have a problem. Then again, guys like Foul Play probably don’t fight alone and I’ll be seeing your man snooping around in my match. So when it’s your match, I’ll be down at ringside and I’ll keep my eyes out for Reaver.
”Oh and I need to apologize about the other week when I tweaked out. Being a coke mule and user for so long will eventually cause damage and I didn’t mean to just flip like that. So don’t worry, I’m not going to snap again anytime soon… I hope. I mean we all go a little crazy sometimes, but we all don’t need help for it. I mean sometimes a whack to my head will put screws back in their place; it’s just too bad I also lose my matches. What about Reaver? Well from what I’ve heard, the guy can’t get his screws put back in place. He needs a little professional help to get his head straight again. Is it a weakness? No, it’s always perfectly strong of him to admit that he’s not strong, that’s not good enough and needs help to become mentally healthy again. I myself cry myself to sleep.”
That’s a funny thought, which caused Leon snicker this comment. Thoughts Jake holding a Garfield plushy or some other stuffed toy came to his mind but Jake continued his rant. “I know it might be funny for you, but I’m laughing about see? HA HA HA! Reaver actually needs help to only become strong again but also to look strong. I’m strong in my own rights and I’ve come to terms with the fact I’m never going to be the best. So why dwell on the past and beat yourself up over it? Some people just can’t take it I guess. So Reaver rushes back to morbid curiosities like his Death Cards or he goes crying to a doctor to reaffirm him that he’s strong. Is it a little weak? When I think about it yes, he needs to reach out and ask other people or things if he’s strong.
“I am confident that I am strong enough to know that I’m not drop the ball this time. I’m not living in my glory days in my past lives or past federations. So to speak, I’ve awakened; I’m a new man with a new lease on life. I’m filming a movie, which might just be the most god awful piece of pig crap the world has seen since Uwe Boll but I’m having fun doing it and you’re having fun kicking asses. But Reaver, he’s unsure of himself and I’m going to capitalize on that. His guilty of conscience of not being THE MAN any more is eating him from the inside out. I mean the guy isn’t even aware of who he is on the conscious level, another thing that I have to play to my advantage. Because if his mind slips and he thinks that he’s back in Cuba, I got to bring him back to reality and beat him.
“Look at the last match we had, while my man Leon Roberts got a bloody lip, which counted against us, who did I make bleed like a stuff pig when I tripped your ass up and made you kiss the Turnbuckle? That was ME, Reaver. I was the one who busted you open that night. Oh and guess what? I also made your team leader, Jason Kash, bleed like a pig too! No offense to you Leon, but I made them both bleed. Not that you had nothing to do with it. You saved me a few times, so THANK YOU! We work as a team, we watch each other’s back but we’re not some scared little wimps that need to attack in numbers to make someone bleed. That’s right, STILL talking about the week you smashed Leon across the head with a Steel Chair on Overdrive. I scared you off to make the numbers fair. But when it came time to game time, you guys didn’t finish the job. I was the one who ended up making you two bleed.
“So you know what Reaver? You can come at me with the past. You can unbury my skeletons from JWA:EWA or GWE or PWC or wherever you can find them. It’s not going to make a lick of difference, I’m living in present. And right now, I am present. I don’t want the Reaver who’s been coming up short as of today, as you’re in the past; I want you to bring the former world CHAMPION Reaver here to fight me. This Monday on Meltdown, I want you to bring everything you got but I just want you to know ahead of time, it’s not going to be enough. Those who don’t learn from the past are doomed to repeat it, and I see it happening to you.”
