Post by Johnny Rebel on Jul 14, 2013 20:54:53 GMT -4
Dante’s Pizzeria
Chicago, Illinois
Two days before APW's Meltdown
“We’re home!”
The voice of Johnny Rebel resounded through the small corner pizzeria as he strolls through door and camps out at a small booth in the back with confidant Michael Andrews. Rebel had spent the last several months in and out of jail, recovering from a small prescription addiction, and hopping from blow up air mattress to the other. He was homeless but always found a place that accepted him like Chicago.
“There is nothing that beats a slingshot trip home to the motherland,” Rebel said. “You know what makes Chicago great?”
“The Bulls?”
“C’mon, Andrews!” Rebel snapped back. “The only thing exciting about the Bulls is the ‘Red Mamba!’ Brian Scalabrine to the rescue. Ever since Michael Jordan left them for the Wizards, they haven’t done anything worthwhile.”
“The Cubs?”
“Please! We’re talking about a guy reaching over the outfield fence being the most relevant thing to happen to them in years! Sammy Sosa can’t tell the truth and Starlin Castro can’t make it to first base without lollygagging. The Cubs don’t own anything.”
“White…”
“Don’t even finish that thought!”
“Then it has to be ‘da Bears!” Andrews thought out loud. “Jim McMahon, The Refrigerator, Jay Cutler! I think they have a chance to do some real damage in the NFC next season with Marc Trestman running the show. The NFC North is where it’s at!”
“Seriously?” Rebel snickered. “You have the entire lot of the NFL to pick from and you pluck a guy fresh out of Canada that has zero head coach experience in the NFL? He’s probably hopped up on Tim Horton’s and Canadian bacon! The Bears will flame out once again when it gets to be crunch time and Chicago will again have their hearts broken.”
“Uh, I’m out of teams. The Blackhawks? That can’t be it - nobody *really* watches hockey any more, do they? I thought they were still in the midst of a lockout anyway.”
“Hockey?” Rebel shakes his head. “You’re obviously missing the best thing about Chicago.”
“I don’t think so, Johnny,” Andrews counts across his fingers. “Bulls, Cubs, White Sox, Bears, Blackhawks… We don’t have an Arena Football team do we?”
I swear sometimes this fool doesn’t have a head on his shoulders. He’s just a warm body that follows me around like a lost puppy dog, hoping I’ll toss him a few bucks here and there in his old age. The best part about Chicago is me! I’ve put this town on the map! The Johnny Rebel will make Chicago relevant again in the sports world where every other team has failed. There is no quit in us. Come on, Andrews! Wake up!
“You’re a fool,” Rebel said. “The best thing about Chicago is me! You should know by now that this sleepy little city revolves around Johnny Rebel. You’ve seen what it’s like when we walk down the street… women can’t keep their panties on and little kids about break their necks to catch a rare glimpse of their champion. I'm 1A and 1B when it comes to the Windy City! The APW doesn't have any clue as to what they're in for!"
“I’m aware that you think highly of yourself…”
That was an understatement…
“Surely you understand that you aren’t dealing with some minor league establishment here,” Andrews inquired. “You aren’t up against some ragtag group of misfits that the APW threw together last minute. These men and women are dangerous. The last Meltdown before the APW closes up shop on it's Monday evening show... you can't afford to take it lightly. Michael Jennings is a shark circling and I'm sure he smells the blood in the water... considering you've done absolutely nothing in the last several months."
“I understand that we’re dealing with some phenomenal talent here,” Rebel responded. “I don’t think they have fully understood what they are dealing with. They may be sharks but I’m the king of the sea. I’ve inhabited these oceans for a long time and I know when I’m being setup as prey.”
I am fed up with people pushing me aside for some of these “legendary” acts that they think are untouchable. I’ve been doing this for twenty years and I certainly didn’t need advice from a washed-up hack that spent the majority of his time wagging his tail in whatever direction I told him. Let them roll their eyes at the name of Johnny Rebel… it’ll be more pleasurable when I kick their teeth down their throat.
“Well, you didn’t waste a lot of time putting your stamp on the competiton here…” Andrews said.
“I saw an opportunity, what can I say?” Rebel replied. “Let’s just say I did the APW a favor! Meltdown needed some serious firepower and considering the doctors haven't cleared me, their getting a deal. I'm risking my career here for the sake of the show!"
“Now the APW is in serious trouble!” exclaimed an overly-excited Michael Andrews.
“I don’t know if I’d go that far,” Rebel squashed the joy in Andrews’ voice. “You might say we’re doing the APW a solid considering who else they might have brought in to compete. You saw what they did already by scraping the bottom of the barrel. I mean, seriously? Sally Talfourd? What's next? Are they going to dig up the bones of Arcadia? You could look at it this way: you could bring in a B-list actor to represent your company. Let’s say you’re trying to market a brand new sneaker to a whole new audience. You sign your deal and bring in someone like, oh, let’s say, Kim Kardashian.”
“That girl has a serious badonk!” shouted Andrews, using his hands to simulate holding a round object. “She could sell me whatever she wanted!”
Rebel simply shakes his head in disgust.
“Sure, she might sell a few shoes to a small market of pervs that have spent the past several weeks pounding it over a leaked sex tape from ten years ago… but after awhile, the appeal fades, especially after you realize more dudes have taken her for a spin then as many times as you’ve slipped your foot in and out of that shoe.”
“Disgusting,” Andrews rolls up his upper lip.
“You could have her and all of that baggage,” Rebel stretches out his arms. “…or you could have someone like Kate Upton.”
“The only thing she needs to do to sell me is a round of jumping jacks in a lock-in freezer and I’d buy the whole lot!” Andrews shouts, sticking his hand up for a high-five, but is quickly denied.
Get out of here with that garbage.
“There isn’t a Kardashian on the planet that could hold Upton’s G-String. The combination of the three couldn’t load one cup of Upton’s Sports Illustrated bikini… but that’s beside the point. The rest of the roster couldn’t sell water to a bridge and it just so happens that they have a brilliant marketer on their hands with Johnny Rebel… and if they are smart, they won’t waste that opportunity to put this place on the map. The past twelve years was just a tune-up. The next twelve belong to Johnny Rebel!”
Chicago, Illinois
Two days before APW's Meltdown
“We’re home!”
The voice of Johnny Rebel resounded through the small corner pizzeria as he strolls through door and camps out at a small booth in the back with confidant Michael Andrews. Rebel had spent the last several months in and out of jail, recovering from a small prescription addiction, and hopping from blow up air mattress to the other. He was homeless but always found a place that accepted him like Chicago.
“There is nothing that beats a slingshot trip home to the motherland,” Rebel said. “You know what makes Chicago great?”
“The Bulls?”
“C’mon, Andrews!” Rebel snapped back. “The only thing exciting about the Bulls is the ‘Red Mamba!’ Brian Scalabrine to the rescue. Ever since Michael Jordan left them for the Wizards, they haven’t done anything worthwhile.”
“The Cubs?”
“Please! We’re talking about a guy reaching over the outfield fence being the most relevant thing to happen to them in years! Sammy Sosa can’t tell the truth and Starlin Castro can’t make it to first base without lollygagging. The Cubs don’t own anything.”
“White…”
“Don’t even finish that thought!”
“Then it has to be ‘da Bears!” Andrews thought out loud. “Jim McMahon, The Refrigerator, Jay Cutler! I think they have a chance to do some real damage in the NFC next season with Marc Trestman running the show. The NFC North is where it’s at!”
“Seriously?” Rebel snickered. “You have the entire lot of the NFL to pick from and you pluck a guy fresh out of Canada that has zero head coach experience in the NFL? He’s probably hopped up on Tim Horton’s and Canadian bacon! The Bears will flame out once again when it gets to be crunch time and Chicago will again have their hearts broken.”
“Uh, I’m out of teams. The Blackhawks? That can’t be it - nobody *really* watches hockey any more, do they? I thought they were still in the midst of a lockout anyway.”
“Hockey?” Rebel shakes his head. “You’re obviously missing the best thing about Chicago.”
“I don’t think so, Johnny,” Andrews counts across his fingers. “Bulls, Cubs, White Sox, Bears, Blackhawks… We don’t have an Arena Football team do we?”
I swear sometimes this fool doesn’t have a head on his shoulders. He’s just a warm body that follows me around like a lost puppy dog, hoping I’ll toss him a few bucks here and there in his old age. The best part about Chicago is me! I’ve put this town on the map! The Johnny Rebel will make Chicago relevant again in the sports world where every other team has failed. There is no quit in us. Come on, Andrews! Wake up!
“You’re a fool,” Rebel said. “The best thing about Chicago is me! You should know by now that this sleepy little city revolves around Johnny Rebel. You’ve seen what it’s like when we walk down the street… women can’t keep their panties on and little kids about break their necks to catch a rare glimpse of their champion. I'm 1A and 1B when it comes to the Windy City! The APW doesn't have any clue as to what they're in for!"
“I’m aware that you think highly of yourself…”
That was an understatement…
“Surely you understand that you aren’t dealing with some minor league establishment here,” Andrews inquired. “You aren’t up against some ragtag group of misfits that the APW threw together last minute. These men and women are dangerous. The last Meltdown before the APW closes up shop on it's Monday evening show... you can't afford to take it lightly. Michael Jennings is a shark circling and I'm sure he smells the blood in the water... considering you've done absolutely nothing in the last several months."
“I understand that we’re dealing with some phenomenal talent here,” Rebel responded. “I don’t think they have fully understood what they are dealing with. They may be sharks but I’m the king of the sea. I’ve inhabited these oceans for a long time and I know when I’m being setup as prey.”
I am fed up with people pushing me aside for some of these “legendary” acts that they think are untouchable. I’ve been doing this for twenty years and I certainly didn’t need advice from a washed-up hack that spent the majority of his time wagging his tail in whatever direction I told him. Let them roll their eyes at the name of Johnny Rebel… it’ll be more pleasurable when I kick their teeth down their throat.
“Well, you didn’t waste a lot of time putting your stamp on the competiton here…” Andrews said.
“I saw an opportunity, what can I say?” Rebel replied. “Let’s just say I did the APW a favor! Meltdown needed some serious firepower and considering the doctors haven't cleared me, their getting a deal. I'm risking my career here for the sake of the show!"
“Now the APW is in serious trouble!” exclaimed an overly-excited Michael Andrews.
“I don’t know if I’d go that far,” Rebel squashed the joy in Andrews’ voice. “You might say we’re doing the APW a solid considering who else they might have brought in to compete. You saw what they did already by scraping the bottom of the barrel. I mean, seriously? Sally Talfourd? What's next? Are they going to dig up the bones of Arcadia? You could look at it this way: you could bring in a B-list actor to represent your company. Let’s say you’re trying to market a brand new sneaker to a whole new audience. You sign your deal and bring in someone like, oh, let’s say, Kim Kardashian.”
“That girl has a serious badonk!” shouted Andrews, using his hands to simulate holding a round object. “She could sell me whatever she wanted!”
Rebel simply shakes his head in disgust.
“Sure, she might sell a few shoes to a small market of pervs that have spent the past several weeks pounding it over a leaked sex tape from ten years ago… but after awhile, the appeal fades, especially after you realize more dudes have taken her for a spin then as many times as you’ve slipped your foot in and out of that shoe.”
“Disgusting,” Andrews rolls up his upper lip.
“You could have her and all of that baggage,” Rebel stretches out his arms. “…or you could have someone like Kate Upton.”
“The only thing she needs to do to sell me is a round of jumping jacks in a lock-in freezer and I’d buy the whole lot!” Andrews shouts, sticking his hand up for a high-five, but is quickly denied.
Get out of here with that garbage.
“There isn’t a Kardashian on the planet that could hold Upton’s G-String. The combination of the three couldn’t load one cup of Upton’s Sports Illustrated bikini… but that’s beside the point. The rest of the roster couldn’t sell water to a bridge and it just so happens that they have a brilliant marketer on their hands with Johnny Rebel… and if they are smart, they won’t waste that opportunity to put this place on the map. The past twelve years was just a tune-up. The next twelve belong to Johnny Rebel!”
