Post by Mark Mania on Aug 5, 2013 13:05:40 GMT -4
The Mania Update for the Week of August 5th
The scene opens on Mark Mania behind his “Mania World Headquarters” desk.
Voice Over: And now, the Mania Update with Mark Mania!
Mark Mania: Hello, hello, hello! Welcome to another week of the Mania Update with Mark Mania, I am Mark Mania and people, I have figured out how to save the United States. I have figured out one small change we can make that will help each and every single person in the US. However, this simple fix will never happen because it’s going to lose people a lot of money. So the best I can do is voice my opinion here and then be shot in the head by the President.
Mark fakes a bullet hitting his forehead with this finger.
Mark Mania: I’ll do this Jeopardy style, first I’ll tell you the solution, then I’ll tell you all the problems it’s the solution to. So, the solution, stricter laws and regulations to get a driver’s license!
The crowd is confused.
Mark Mania: I know what you’re thinking, “But Mark, that’s such a small little change, how is that going to help anything, and why would the government be against it?” Well, good question collected masses in my brain. Let’s think about it, if it’s more difficult to get a license then you’re going to immediately cut down on traffic congestion. Los Angeles, Atlanta, Dallas, Boston, Las Vegas, San Francisco, Seattle, all these big cities are immediately better places because the congestion of traffic is lowered significantly. Imagine driving to a job that’s only 10 miles away and it only taking you 15 fucking minutes instead of an hour!
The crowd cheers.
Mark Mania: But that’s not all, it would also drastically reduce the amount of vehicular deaths, whether it be homicide or a car accident. In 2011 there were 32,367 motor vehicle deaths. That’s almost 89 deaths a day! But suddenly, there are less cars on the road and the cars that are on the road are being driven by responsible and well-trained drivers. The average car has a top speed of 120 miles per hour and weighs a ton, and we’re giving that responsibility to a 16 year old dip shit from Maine?! Are you kidding me!? No wonder nearly 100 people die a day.
Mark slams on his desk.
Mark Mania: But that’s not all, oil costs would plummet! Our dependency on foreign oil would be nil! You eliminate drivers you’re eliminating demand for fuel. We could stop attacking countries in the Middle East for their damn oil and we could concentrate on creating a better more productive USA!
The crowd starts chanting “USA, USA, USA”.
Mark Mania: Oh don’t even bother, it doesn’t mean what it used to anymore! It still could, but it doesn’t now. But that’s a conversation for another day. I’m more concerned about what other problems can be solved by one easy step. Do you know that 1 billion people in the world are considered obese? 1 billion. That’s one in six. That’s disgusting. Well guess what, if fatty can’t drive, now fatty has to take a walk or ride his bike to get where he wants to go. So suddenly, we’re a healthier more active country!
Mark stands up in excitement as the crowd cheers.
Mark Mania: But it will never happen. Not in our lifetimes, not in your children’s lifetimes, do you know why? Well first of all, it’s not going to be popular with the younger voters, imagine you’re 18, you just got put on your mommies car insurance and you’re getting ready to go off to college with your brand new BMW, are you going to vote for stricter rules? Hell no, because you know you’re a shitty driver because you can’t stop texting your friends about the dick you had up your ass last night. But that’s minor, that’s nothing, you have to worry the big three. Ford, Chrysler, and General Motors. God knows that they’re not going to be happy that there are less cars on the road. Less people driving, less people buying their shitty cars. And we already know the government doesn’t want them to fail, cough cough buyouts for days cough cough. And yet, we still haven’t cracked the golden nugget of why this will never happen. It’s the damn oil! This country is so dependent on the buying and trading of oil that the idea that they can’t raise the gas prices to $4 every six months and drain the pockets of their citizens is blasphemy!
Mark tries to chant a mock “USA” chant.
Mark Mania: So there you have it, we could solve obesity, motor vehicle deaths, and traffic congestion by raising the driver’s license age to 18 and making the driving test a little bit more difficult that doing a three point turn in a parking lot. But our government won’t do that, because our government doesn’t care about the people, our government only cares about the almighty dollar.
The crowd cheers.
Mark Mania: Goodnight and fuck you!
Mark stands up and flips off the camera as the scene fades out.
The scene opens on Mark Mania behind his “Mania World Headquarters” desk.
Voice Over: And now, the Mania Update with Mark Mania!
Mark Mania: Hello, hello, hello! Welcome to another week of the Mania Update with Mark Mania, I am Mark Mania and people, I have figured out how to save the United States. I have figured out one small change we can make that will help each and every single person in the US. However, this simple fix will never happen because it’s going to lose people a lot of money. So the best I can do is voice my opinion here and then be shot in the head by the President.
Mark fakes a bullet hitting his forehead with this finger.
Mark Mania: I’ll do this Jeopardy style, first I’ll tell you the solution, then I’ll tell you all the problems it’s the solution to. So, the solution, stricter laws and regulations to get a driver’s license!
The crowd is confused.
Mark Mania: I know what you’re thinking, “But Mark, that’s such a small little change, how is that going to help anything, and why would the government be against it?” Well, good question collected masses in my brain. Let’s think about it, if it’s more difficult to get a license then you’re going to immediately cut down on traffic congestion. Los Angeles, Atlanta, Dallas, Boston, Las Vegas, San Francisco, Seattle, all these big cities are immediately better places because the congestion of traffic is lowered significantly. Imagine driving to a job that’s only 10 miles away and it only taking you 15 fucking minutes instead of an hour!
The crowd cheers.
Mark Mania: But that’s not all, it would also drastically reduce the amount of vehicular deaths, whether it be homicide or a car accident. In 2011 there were 32,367 motor vehicle deaths. That’s almost 89 deaths a day! But suddenly, there are less cars on the road and the cars that are on the road are being driven by responsible and well-trained drivers. The average car has a top speed of 120 miles per hour and weighs a ton, and we’re giving that responsibility to a 16 year old dip shit from Maine?! Are you kidding me!? No wonder nearly 100 people die a day.
Mark slams on his desk.
Mark Mania: But that’s not all, oil costs would plummet! Our dependency on foreign oil would be nil! You eliminate drivers you’re eliminating demand for fuel. We could stop attacking countries in the Middle East for their damn oil and we could concentrate on creating a better more productive USA!
The crowd starts chanting “USA, USA, USA”.
Mark Mania: Oh don’t even bother, it doesn’t mean what it used to anymore! It still could, but it doesn’t now. But that’s a conversation for another day. I’m more concerned about what other problems can be solved by one easy step. Do you know that 1 billion people in the world are considered obese? 1 billion. That’s one in six. That’s disgusting. Well guess what, if fatty can’t drive, now fatty has to take a walk or ride his bike to get where he wants to go. So suddenly, we’re a healthier more active country!
Mark stands up in excitement as the crowd cheers.
Mark Mania: But it will never happen. Not in our lifetimes, not in your children’s lifetimes, do you know why? Well first of all, it’s not going to be popular with the younger voters, imagine you’re 18, you just got put on your mommies car insurance and you’re getting ready to go off to college with your brand new BMW, are you going to vote for stricter rules? Hell no, because you know you’re a shitty driver because you can’t stop texting your friends about the dick you had up your ass last night. But that’s minor, that’s nothing, you have to worry the big three. Ford, Chrysler, and General Motors. God knows that they’re not going to be happy that there are less cars on the road. Less people driving, less people buying their shitty cars. And we already know the government doesn’t want them to fail, cough cough buyouts for days cough cough. And yet, we still haven’t cracked the golden nugget of why this will never happen. It’s the damn oil! This country is so dependent on the buying and trading of oil that the idea that they can’t raise the gas prices to $4 every six months and drain the pockets of their citizens is blasphemy!
Mark tries to chant a mock “USA” chant.
Mark Mania: So there you have it, we could solve obesity, motor vehicle deaths, and traffic congestion by raising the driver’s license age to 18 and making the driving test a little bit more difficult that doing a three point turn in a parking lot. But our government won’t do that, because our government doesn’t care about the people, our government only cares about the almighty dollar.
The crowd cheers.
Mark Mania: Goodnight and fuck you!
Mark stands up and flips off the camera as the scene fades out.
