Post by chaos lite on Sept 30, 2013 1:08:42 GMT -4
sep.27.thirteen6:47am
Trey looked at me with these frantic eyes-- like he was in search of something, wildly. Those eyes narrowed into a glare, and I felt my heart drop into the pit of my stomach. I knew I was wrong… I knew that my younger brother had every reason to hate me right now. I knew that every small code of trust had been breached. I was a cunt. Sorry.
”Don’t you even care?”
sep.26.thirteen3:16pm
”I always wondered if hatred was like… a conscious human emotion, or just something that we… how can I say this… something that we made up-- what’s the fancy word for that, Norm? Fabricated? I wonder if it’s this fake ‘emotion’ that we just fabricate in our heads to compensate for something… to compensate for our insecurities and our shortcomings. I mean, none of us hate anything lesser than us, right? It’s never the weak, nor the meek… it’s always the big, and the bad, and powerful. It’s the giants that we hate. Why?”
I looked at Norman, staring at him in silence, waiting for an answer. I don’t remember what I was thinking. Probably something awesome. I’m a genius.
”I think that’s quite an argument.”
He didn’t look at me. I remember that. We sat in his living room. His wife wasn’t home. I had basically gotten his family’s schedule down to a science, and he hated it. Watching him squirm-- watching him try to outsmart me was half of the amusement. But, I’m miffed that he didn’t look at me.
”I thought I hated Terry Marvin a few times, you know that? Hahaha, shocker, right? When I was smashing him in the face with a belt, and driving his nose into steel stairs, I thought for a few moments in time that I hated Terry Marvin, and I was completely content with that. I was content with using hatred as… as this motivation against this monster that’s ruled Action Packed Wrestling since the summer of 2012. I thought that I was supposed to be the one to take the Undisputed Title from Terry, and I hated him for having it. I hated him for being great. I hated him for standing in the way between me, and the most beautiful thing I’ve ever laid eyes on in my entire life… one of the things in this world that I would absolutely--”
”Before you finish that… why don’t you give it a little bit of thought, hm? What-- you’re gonna kill for the title? You’re gonna stab the people you love in the back for it? What?”
”I would.”
”I don’t believe you.”
”I would.”
”Why?”
”It means the world to me.”
”But why?”
”It’s validation.”
”For WHAT?”
I think I felt anger at this time. I know the conversation came to an abrupt pause at that point. I remember looking across the room at Norman, and thinking about getting up and storming out… or maybe just going after him altogether, federal laws be damned.
”I don’t want to be somebody else that Terry wrestled. I’m not fond of the idea of being another name on his list. I love Terry, and I respect what he’s done for this… this hellish place, but I know that at the end of the day, he doesn’t give a damn about this... hellish… place-- this Kash regime. But I do. I care about alllll my Children, and the people that look to me as this beacon of hope for women around the world that just aren’t quite good enough to succeed on their own. Jeez-- more than that. For PEOPLE around the world!
But in order for me to consider myself the best, I can’t just win the Undisputed Championship. I have to beat Terry. I have to really… beat him… and not many people can say they’ve done that. I have to be different than everybody before me.
I have to beat him.
I’d… I’d…”
sep.27.thirteen6:45am
Trey looked at me, with tears swelling in his eyes. He threw a fist against my wall-- and I shrieked as his hand went through, crushing the drywall, delivering an unintentionally vicious punch to the steel bearings behind it. Trey retracted his hand, showing no signs of pain or discomfort, but I could already see the gashes in his right fist. I’m trying to remember what I felt.
Guilt.
”Did you even hear what I said to you?”
sep.26.thirteen3:19pm
”You’d kill him to get it?”
I didn’t want to repeat myself. I crossed my arms and closed my eyes, allowing my head to fall back against the couch.
”Life’s fragile. You probably shouldn’t say things like that. You’re impressionable…”
I arched an eyebrow and leaned forward, glaring at Norman as he trailed off.
”...you’ll probably start believing it.”
”You’re my psychiatrist.”
”I am.”
”And you’re sitting here, subtly trying to call me crazy.”
”That’s not what I’m doing, Aubrey, but I won’t tell you how to interpret me. I wouldn’t want to restrict you. After all, I believe creativity is a great natural medicine for someone like you--”
”Someone like me?! What’s that mean?!”
”Somebody that’s become mentally ill.”
”Asshole.”
”Pure class.”
”Whatever. You know it’s not true. I shouldn’t even be here.”
”In my house? No. You shouldn’t.”
”You shouldn’t BE in my life, Norm. I shouldn’t have to see a shrink. I don’t belong in your little office, and I don’t belong across the room for you, doped up on your damn pills., waiting-- just WAITING to find out how you’re going to fucking FUCK me next, and keep me in this program for God-knows-how-long.”
”Why?”
”You know.”
”Why don’t you belong here, Aubrey?”
”I’ll reach across this table…”
”Tell me why you’re here.”
”Norm--”
”TELL ME WHY YOU’RE--”
”I’M NOT FUCKING CRAZY.”
I looked at him, and I was shaking. I remember everything clearly now. I remember his face kind of falling into this satisfied half-smile. I remember-- he looked like he was glowing, the rotten bastard. He leaned back and his eyes were suddenly bright. Bright, and distinguished like I hadn’t seen in months. His smile was genuine. He wasn’t reserved. He wasn’t tucked away in the corner of his couch. He looked at me with amusement. And it sickened me.
”You’re… not… fucking… crazy.”
”It’s all… a show…”
He rubbed his eyes with his palms and groaned loudly, grinning.
”You’re an actress.”
”I’m everything...”
”Ha. So you mean to tell me that you’re pullin’ my leg? You’ve been playing this batshit insane character named Aubrey J. Parker for the thirteen months?”
”I’ve been playing a role.”
”For thirteen months…”
”For a long time.”
”And you’re not crazy.”
”No.”
sep.26.thirteen3:22pm
”When you pretend to be something for so long, it’s hard to do anything but become it. As human beings, we notoriously create monsters. We just fail to accept the fact, that most often, those monsters are ourselves.”
sep.27.thirteen6:41am
”The Undisputed Championship! You must be ecstatic!”
The doorbell rang, and I turned away from Cassandra with the smile on my face being replaced by one of confusion. I glanced at my watch, though, curiously making my way toward the door anyway. Cassandra followed a few strides behind, speaking in a considerably lower volume.
”Who’s coming to your door this early?”
”Probably Bible thumpers.”
I paused with my hand on the doorknob and turned, shooting our camera-wielder, Cassandra herself, a wide-eyed glance.
”...which would be awesome.”
I tugged the door open and my face fell.
”Oh. Hi, Trey.”
My younger, long, dark-haired brother walked into the house from the entrance with a wide, blank stare on his face. It was as if he’d seen a ghost. I didn’t know it’d be worse.
Cassandra spoke up.
”Trey? You alright?”
sep.26.thirteen3:24pm
”Sometimes I think about, like, hurting him. Sometimes I feel like a piece of shit… because he’s one of my best friends… like… ha… like what kind of fucked up person do you have to be to just WISH that something BAD would happen to your friend in the ring, so you could have like-- a target the next time you get in the ring, and you can just hurt him and… and… it’s like… desperation. It’s like I’ve forgotten about what it means to really hold that championship and all I can think about is beating Terry, because nobody else can.
All I think about is beating Terry Marvin.
And I’ve forgotten that it MATTERS how I do it. I can’t just be like every other jackass out here that pulls out a steel chair or a pair of brass knuckles when they can’t get job done against their superior. I’m going to wrestle Terry like I’m wrestling Lou fucking Thesz… but I’m going to fight Terry like I’d fight my worst enemy.
And he’s so good, Norm. He’s so good that sometimes, when we’re not talking, and I’m just watching him, I look at his face, and I hate everything about him, right there. I look at his smirk, and I wish he would fall on his face so he’d be forced to show some humility-- and I always snap myself out of it and I remember that he’s one of the greatest wrestlers in the world. I’m not viewed in that light. I’m SUPPOSED to feel that envy, and that… hm… I just… I always remember that he’s beaten everybody that’s faced him for that Undisputed Championship here in APW… and I convince myself, everyday, that I hate him for it.
I hate him, because sometimes, sometimes, I think he’s better than me.
His waist says he’s better than me. His wallet says it. The ring on his finger…”
I sighed and looked downward, struggling to find the words, feeling Norman’s judgmental eyes on me. Even when I had him in the most uncomfortable position-- even when I thought I was in control, he just had this way of glaring at me, making me feel like dirt. No… lower.
”...the baby in his beautiful wife’s tummy… everything about Terry Marvin says that he is better than Aubrey J. Parker, and I can’t do anything about that between now and October 6th.”
”And you think--”
”Yes.”
I rolled my eyes and looked back up at Norman N. Nemo.
”Yes. I think that by beating him for the Undisputed Championship, one time in that ring-- that makes me better than him.”
”And all your wrongs are undone? All your personal demons are exorcised then?”
”I don’t HAVE personal demons, Norm! I’m--”
”Jesus Christ. I know. Calm down.”
I gave him a bitter smile and rubbed at my eyes with my knuckles.
”The way he beats his opponents is by flat-out outwrestling them. Outlasting them, out there, under those lights… and under that pressure… and I remember the week I faced Sally, when she came back, she told me that after the fifteen minute mark, I show signs of weakness. She criticized my stamina. She said I couldn’t keep up-- and I said that everything coming out of her mouth was garbage. I said that she had NO IDEA what she was talking about.
But I trained anyway, because SHE couldn’t even beat Terry Marvin on her best day… and if she sees a flaw, whether it’s something she fabricated for fluff, or a general criticism, I have trained to be great. I have trained to last longer. I wanna be better than the Aubrey that won Test for the Best this summer. I wanna be better than Logan's former partner, or Terry's partner. I wanna be better than the girl that just made it to Shockwave.”
”...want?”
I lowered my hands, but didn’t look at him.
”If we’re being realistic here… you need to be better.”
For nearly a minute, I was quiet. I wanted to ask why he cared, but I didn’t. I didn’t want to satisfy his thirst to play mindgames…
”It’s something that this place has made everyone in the audience, and everyone in the locker-room believe is intangible. They have Terry defending his title every week against… anybody. Raab booked himself in a match back when he was the dictator of Asylum, and that was expected. Fine.
Then Anthony got a shot, and he earned that. Whatever. Fine.
Then Terry went on, to face Mannie. I’m not even gonna get into that. But they went out there, and they put on a show. Fine.
Terry looks like a beast. He looks like a monster. He has all the momentum in the world… but the title needs stability. Terry has shown that he’s ready to just-- just walk out of this place. He tried not once, but twice to leave this company just this month alone. And this isn’t gonna stop, Norm. They’re gonna keep throwing goons at him, and eventually, something’s gotta give. Terry Marvin may be the best champion the APW has ever seen… but he’s not the last. He knows it. We all do.
Yet, regardless of how he feels about this place-- about this fascist KASH REGIME… Terry’s gonna be willing to fight me to the fucking death to hold onto that championship. It’s become a part of him. It’s become Terry Marvin, and I have to be UNIQUE… Norm! I have to be able to wrestle better, and fight better than every single person that’s come before me in APW! I can’t go into this looking like I’m taking the Undisputed Title from Terry. I can’t.
I’m taking a vital part of Terry Marvin away from Terry Marvin. I’m changing the very fabric-- the very fixture of Action Packed Wrestling.”
I looked at Norman. He looked at me.
And for a long time, I remember, we just sat there. We just… sat.
He thinks I’m crazy.
sep.27.thirteen6:47am
”Did you even hear what I said to you?”
I had zoned out. He told me everything, and it hit me at once. It was a blur. I remember Cassandra had gasped, and tried to hug me and console me, and she embraced Trey-- and she had left. I lost time. I lost at least a minute. I just…
”AUBREY!”
”Yeah. Yeah, I heard you.”
I looked at him, with no emotion… with nothing to offer.
”Car crash.”
I nodded.
”Dad died.”
Trey looked at me with these frantic eyes-- like he was in search of something, wildly. Those eyes narrowed into a glare, and I felt my heart drop into the pit of my stomach. I knew I was wrong… I knew that my younger brother had every reason to hate me right now. I knew that every small code of trust had been breached. I was a--
”Don’t you even care?”
I said nothing. Did nothing.
”...Aubrey… fuck you.”
Nothing.
sep.26.thirteen3:31pm
”There’s nothing more important, Norm.”
fin.
Trey looked at me with these frantic eyes-- like he was in search of something, wildly. Those eyes narrowed into a glare, and I felt my heart drop into the pit of my stomach. I knew I was wrong… I knew that my younger brother had every reason to hate me right now. I knew that every small code of trust had been breached. I was a cunt. Sorry.
”Don’t you even care?”
sep.26.thirteen3:16pm
”I always wondered if hatred was like… a conscious human emotion, or just something that we… how can I say this… something that we made up-- what’s the fancy word for that, Norm? Fabricated? I wonder if it’s this fake ‘emotion’ that we just fabricate in our heads to compensate for something… to compensate for our insecurities and our shortcomings. I mean, none of us hate anything lesser than us, right? It’s never the weak, nor the meek… it’s always the big, and the bad, and powerful. It’s the giants that we hate. Why?”
I looked at Norman, staring at him in silence, waiting for an answer. I don’t remember what I was thinking. Probably something awesome. I’m a genius.
”I think that’s quite an argument.”
He didn’t look at me. I remember that. We sat in his living room. His wife wasn’t home. I had basically gotten his family’s schedule down to a science, and he hated it. Watching him squirm-- watching him try to outsmart me was half of the amusement. But, I’m miffed that he didn’t look at me.
”I thought I hated Terry Marvin a few times, you know that? Hahaha, shocker, right? When I was smashing him in the face with a belt, and driving his nose into steel stairs, I thought for a few moments in time that I hated Terry Marvin, and I was completely content with that. I was content with using hatred as… as this motivation against this monster that’s ruled Action Packed Wrestling since the summer of 2012. I thought that I was supposed to be the one to take the Undisputed Title from Terry, and I hated him for having it. I hated him for being great. I hated him for standing in the way between me, and the most beautiful thing I’ve ever laid eyes on in my entire life… one of the things in this world that I would absolutely--”
”Before you finish that… why don’t you give it a little bit of thought, hm? What-- you’re gonna kill for the title? You’re gonna stab the people you love in the back for it? What?”
”I would.”
”I don’t believe you.”
”I would.”
”Why?”
”It means the world to me.”
”But why?”
”It’s validation.”
”For WHAT?”
I think I felt anger at this time. I know the conversation came to an abrupt pause at that point. I remember looking across the room at Norman, and thinking about getting up and storming out… or maybe just going after him altogether, federal laws be damned.
”I don’t want to be somebody else that Terry wrestled. I’m not fond of the idea of being another name on his list. I love Terry, and I respect what he’s done for this… this hellish place, but I know that at the end of the day, he doesn’t give a damn about this... hellish… place-- this Kash regime. But I do. I care about alllll my Children, and the people that look to me as this beacon of hope for women around the world that just aren’t quite good enough to succeed on their own. Jeez-- more than that. For PEOPLE around the world!
But in order for me to consider myself the best, I can’t just win the Undisputed Championship. I have to beat Terry. I have to really… beat him… and not many people can say they’ve done that. I have to be different than everybody before me.
I have to beat him.
I’d… I’d…”
sep.27.thirteen6:45am
Trey looked at me, with tears swelling in his eyes. He threw a fist against my wall-- and I shrieked as his hand went through, crushing the drywall, delivering an unintentionally vicious punch to the steel bearings behind it. Trey retracted his hand, showing no signs of pain or discomfort, but I could already see the gashes in his right fist. I’m trying to remember what I felt.
Guilt.
”Did you even hear what I said to you?”
sep.26.thirteen3:19pm
”You’d kill him to get it?”
I didn’t want to repeat myself. I crossed my arms and closed my eyes, allowing my head to fall back against the couch.
”Life’s fragile. You probably shouldn’t say things like that. You’re impressionable…”
I arched an eyebrow and leaned forward, glaring at Norman as he trailed off.
”...you’ll probably start believing it.”
”You’re my psychiatrist.”
”I am.”
”And you’re sitting here, subtly trying to call me crazy.”
”That’s not what I’m doing, Aubrey, but I won’t tell you how to interpret me. I wouldn’t want to restrict you. After all, I believe creativity is a great natural medicine for someone like you--”
”Someone like me?! What’s that mean?!”
”Somebody that’s become mentally ill.”
”Asshole.”
”Pure class.”
”Whatever. You know it’s not true. I shouldn’t even be here.”
”In my house? No. You shouldn’t.”
”You shouldn’t BE in my life, Norm. I shouldn’t have to see a shrink. I don’t belong in your little office, and I don’t belong across the room for you, doped up on your damn pills., waiting-- just WAITING to find out how you’re going to fucking FUCK me next, and keep me in this program for God-knows-how-long.”
”Why?”
”You know.”
”Why don’t you belong here, Aubrey?”
”I’ll reach across this table…”
”Tell me why you’re here.”
”Norm--”
”TELL ME WHY YOU’RE--”
”I’M NOT FUCKING CRAZY.”
I looked at him, and I was shaking. I remember everything clearly now. I remember his face kind of falling into this satisfied half-smile. I remember-- he looked like he was glowing, the rotten bastard. He leaned back and his eyes were suddenly bright. Bright, and distinguished like I hadn’t seen in months. His smile was genuine. He wasn’t reserved. He wasn’t tucked away in the corner of his couch. He looked at me with amusement. And it sickened me.
”You’re… not… fucking… crazy.”
”It’s all… a show…”
He rubbed his eyes with his palms and groaned loudly, grinning.
”You’re an actress.”
”I’m everything...”
”Ha. So you mean to tell me that you’re pullin’ my leg? You’ve been playing this batshit insane character named Aubrey J. Parker for the thirteen months?”
”I’ve been playing a role.”
”For thirteen months…”
”For a long time.”
”And you’re not crazy.”
”No.”
sep.26.thirteen3:22pm
”When you pretend to be something for so long, it’s hard to do anything but become it. As human beings, we notoriously create monsters. We just fail to accept the fact, that most often, those monsters are ourselves.”
sep.27.thirteen6:41am
”The Undisputed Championship! You must be ecstatic!”
The doorbell rang, and I turned away from Cassandra with the smile on my face being replaced by one of confusion. I glanced at my watch, though, curiously making my way toward the door anyway. Cassandra followed a few strides behind, speaking in a considerably lower volume.
”Who’s coming to your door this early?”
”Probably Bible thumpers.”
I paused with my hand on the doorknob and turned, shooting our camera-wielder, Cassandra herself, a wide-eyed glance.
”...which would be awesome.”
I tugged the door open and my face fell.
”Oh. Hi, Trey.”
My younger, long, dark-haired brother walked into the house from the entrance with a wide, blank stare on his face. It was as if he’d seen a ghost. I didn’t know it’d be worse.
Cassandra spoke up.
”Trey? You alright?”
sep.26.thirteen3:24pm
”Sometimes I think about, like, hurting him. Sometimes I feel like a piece of shit… because he’s one of my best friends… like… ha… like what kind of fucked up person do you have to be to just WISH that something BAD would happen to your friend in the ring, so you could have like-- a target the next time you get in the ring, and you can just hurt him and… and… it’s like… desperation. It’s like I’ve forgotten about what it means to really hold that championship and all I can think about is beating Terry, because nobody else can.
All I think about is beating Terry Marvin.
And I’ve forgotten that it MATTERS how I do it. I can’t just be like every other jackass out here that pulls out a steel chair or a pair of brass knuckles when they can’t get job done against their superior. I’m going to wrestle Terry like I’m wrestling Lou fucking Thesz… but I’m going to fight Terry like I’d fight my worst enemy.
And he’s so good, Norm. He’s so good that sometimes, when we’re not talking, and I’m just watching him, I look at his face, and I hate everything about him, right there. I look at his smirk, and I wish he would fall on his face so he’d be forced to show some humility-- and I always snap myself out of it and I remember that he’s one of the greatest wrestlers in the world. I’m not viewed in that light. I’m SUPPOSED to feel that envy, and that… hm… I just… I always remember that he’s beaten everybody that’s faced him for that Undisputed Championship here in APW… and I convince myself, everyday, that I hate him for it.
I hate him, because sometimes, sometimes, I think he’s better than me.
His waist says he’s better than me. His wallet says it. The ring on his finger…”
I sighed and looked downward, struggling to find the words, feeling Norman’s judgmental eyes on me. Even when I had him in the most uncomfortable position-- even when I thought I was in control, he just had this way of glaring at me, making me feel like dirt. No… lower.
”...the baby in his beautiful wife’s tummy… everything about Terry Marvin says that he is better than Aubrey J. Parker, and I can’t do anything about that between now and October 6th.”
”And you think--”
”Yes.”
I rolled my eyes and looked back up at Norman N. Nemo.
”Yes. I think that by beating him for the Undisputed Championship, one time in that ring-- that makes me better than him.”
”And all your wrongs are undone? All your personal demons are exorcised then?”
”I don’t HAVE personal demons, Norm! I’m--”
”Jesus Christ. I know. Calm down.”
I gave him a bitter smile and rubbed at my eyes with my knuckles.
”The way he beats his opponents is by flat-out outwrestling them. Outlasting them, out there, under those lights… and under that pressure… and I remember the week I faced Sally, when she came back, she told me that after the fifteen minute mark, I show signs of weakness. She criticized my stamina. She said I couldn’t keep up-- and I said that everything coming out of her mouth was garbage. I said that she had NO IDEA what she was talking about.
But I trained anyway, because SHE couldn’t even beat Terry Marvin on her best day… and if she sees a flaw, whether it’s something she fabricated for fluff, or a general criticism, I have trained to be great. I have trained to last longer. I wanna be better than the Aubrey that won Test for the Best this summer. I wanna be better than Logan's former partner, or Terry's partner. I wanna be better than the girl that just made it to Shockwave.”
”...want?”
I lowered my hands, but didn’t look at him.
”If we’re being realistic here… you need to be better.”
For nearly a minute, I was quiet. I wanted to ask why he cared, but I didn’t. I didn’t want to satisfy his thirst to play mindgames…
”It’s something that this place has made everyone in the audience, and everyone in the locker-room believe is intangible. They have Terry defending his title every week against… anybody. Raab booked himself in a match back when he was the dictator of Asylum, and that was expected. Fine.
Then Anthony got a shot, and he earned that. Whatever. Fine.
Then Terry went on, to face Mannie. I’m not even gonna get into that. But they went out there, and they put on a show. Fine.
Terry looks like a beast. He looks like a monster. He has all the momentum in the world… but the title needs stability. Terry has shown that he’s ready to just-- just walk out of this place. He tried not once, but twice to leave this company just this month alone. And this isn’t gonna stop, Norm. They’re gonna keep throwing goons at him, and eventually, something’s gotta give. Terry Marvin may be the best champion the APW has ever seen… but he’s not the last. He knows it. We all do.
Yet, regardless of how he feels about this place-- about this fascist KASH REGIME… Terry’s gonna be willing to fight me to the fucking death to hold onto that championship. It’s become a part of him. It’s become Terry Marvin, and I have to be UNIQUE… Norm! I have to be able to wrestle better, and fight better than every single person that’s come before me in APW! I can’t go into this looking like I’m taking the Undisputed Title from Terry. I can’t.
I’m taking a vital part of Terry Marvin away from Terry Marvin. I’m changing the very fabric-- the very fixture of Action Packed Wrestling.”
I looked at Norman. He looked at me.
And for a long time, I remember, we just sat there. We just… sat.
He thinks I’m crazy.
sep.27.thirteen6:47am
”Did you even hear what I said to you?”
I had zoned out. He told me everything, and it hit me at once. It was a blur. I remember Cassandra had gasped, and tried to hug me and console me, and she embraced Trey-- and she had left. I lost time. I lost at least a minute. I just…
”AUBREY!”
”Yeah. Yeah, I heard you.”
I looked at him, with no emotion… with nothing to offer.
”Car crash.”
I nodded.
”Dad died.”
Trey looked at me with these frantic eyes-- like he was in search of something, wildly. Those eyes narrowed into a glare, and I felt my heart drop into the pit of my stomach. I knew I was wrong… I knew that my younger brother had every reason to hate me right now. I knew that every small code of trust had been breached. I was a--
”Don’t you even care?”
I said nothing. Did nothing.
”...Aubrey… fuck you.”
Nothing.
they don’t fool the world, no…
they only fool themselves
they only fool themselves
sep.26.thirteen3:31pm
”There’s nothing more important, Norm.”
fin.
