Post by Michael Callahan on Jan 26, 2012 15:45:07 GMT -4
In the basement of Michael Callahan's Washington home out on the edge of suburbia in Kelso, Washington we are shown the face of the young upstart Michael Callahan as he sits at his computer fiddling with his camcorder. Having taken the necessary precautions to set it up the way he wants it he places it atop the monitor of his high performance computer not incomparable to the ones they use in the CIA, a high security affair with some of the latest technology built into its expensive motherboard. Once Callahan is satisfied with the position of his camera he reaches up and hits record as he begins his next step on the path to embracing technology. It started with Twitter and it continues now with a Youtube Video Blog from his fortified basement at home in Kelso.
What has possessed Michael to hitting the internet highway in the rapid way he has is anyone's guess. Some would say it's a desire to flout the stereotypes of Republicans being out of touch with modernity. Callahan though traditional in his politics and a fan of wisdom of the ages wants to show those pencil pushing Liberals that the Good Old Party can be the Good New Party too. And so now on all of our screens he's here before us, delivering a tirade about his wrestling career. Without further ado, here's the man himself with strong words regarding his booking at Survive and Conquer.
Michael Callahan: Hello, my fellow Americans live on Youtube. It is I, your duly elected wrestling representative here to present the first in many in what I hope is going to be the most exciting video blog not just from a pro wrestler but also on the internet. So as you can see I'm down here in “The Bunker”, the basement den of my white picket fence home in Kelso, Washington and if you bare with me I'll give you the grand tour of the room.
He takes the camera on location with him despite the laborious setting up process and takes it towards his living area in the basement a few metres behind him at his computer desk. In his living area he has a large HD ready television set, 44 inches, surround sound system, a DVD collection of some classic films including “Top Gun”, “Urban Commando”, and the Street Fighter movie as well as a crate of Tequila beer in a cooler and of course, every season of Futurama on DVD, the complete collection.
Michael Callahan: I own the Futurama collection as well as Magnum PI, I've got some beers, a snack bowl, a huge television set and just about anything a man would ever want to relax with on my time off. But sadly none of this stuff really gets used as I don't have much time to unwind. In between training for my career as a professional wrestler, managing stocks and carrying out my responsibilities as the leader of the Washington Young Republican association I am regrettably not left with a jot of free time to be able to “chill out” down here but I guess it is always nice to know I have a safe resort when times are looking grey.
He then walks back towards his computer and positions the camera atop his monitor, a place where it remains for the rest of the video. As he takes his seat he sweeps some of his hair out of the way of his forehead, self-conscious of his reflection before undoing the penultimate top button on his shirt making him appear more casual.
Michael Callahan: Going back to my firmly held allegiance to the Republican party, it is actually there where my story begins. You see, I was at a Republican conference in San Diego last week where might I add, I was the key note speaker for the after dinner party. And it was during this speech that I got a phone call. See, luckily my cell was on vibrate and my speech was not disturbed but I knew that anyone who had my number knew me well enough to know that I would be busy in the midst of a speech. Nevertheless I get back to my seat and check the missed call register and lo and behold, who happens to be ringing me? None other than my beautiful fiancé, Bethany.
He rolls his eyes. Though he adores his long term partner to the point that he's willing to marry her, he's something of a sexist in that he sees some of her mistakes as being “silly” and typical of her being a woman. It's unfair and Catherine Mackinnon would surely wish to kick his ass but Bethany herself tolerates it, seeing it as simply horseplay and part of his light-hearted nature.
Michael Callahan: So, I excuse myself for some fresh air and return the call where I immediately scald her for calling me when she knew I was the key note speaker for this big convention. But she remedied it with the revelation that she had exciting news. I'd been booked. For Survive and Conquer. But lo and behold it wasn't just any match, it was a five man championship scramble. Now believe me when I found this out I damn near punched out the NRA ambassador who was stood next to me in my sheer excitement but then it hit me. Championship Scramble? Five men? Who were the other competitors? And for what title would I be competing? I was absolutely thrilled. Until she delivered the harrowing news...
There's a dramatic pause and suddenly Callahan's expression which had up until this point ranged from mildly annoyed to pleasantly surprised changes suddenly to deadpan and disgusted. His eyes start to slant and his lips curl into a grimace and you can tell that deep down he really doesn't want to say those words on his lips, the words on the lips of every Callahan fan in attendance at Survive and Conquer.
Michael Callahan: “You're competing for the APW Suicide Championship...”
Dun dun duuuuuuun.
Michael Callahan: When the dime dropped I was understandably furious beyond sane comprehension. See when I first heard they were putting me in a championship match I was absolutely elated. I was euphoric. I figured that just maybe the booking staff were halfway intelligent as I am and that, glory days, someone might actually know talent when it hit them in the face. But then I come to find out that I've been put in contendership for the Suicide Championship? Now do not get me wrong. I am not turning up my nose at it because it is not the World Heavyweight Championship. In my eyes winning any title is an accomplishment. I'm not being a snob about the fact it's not the top belt on Asylum... but... Suicide...
Just the utterance makes him feel nauseous, the look on his face representing his stomach which feels like a pair of trainers tumbling in the washing machine.
Michael Callahan: Suicide. Do the head honcho's here have any idea who I am? I am a God-fearing, arms-bearing, smiling, pro-life Republican. I abhor any attempts to interfere with the sanctity of human life whether it be suicide, murder or euthanasia. The very idea that maybe announced to the world that Michael Callahan is the champion of suicide makes my blood quite literally boil to the point where you can hear the steam whistling if you stand close enough to me. In 2009, thirty six thousand committed suicide making it the tenth leading cause of death in the US. It consistently scores higher than Homicide in the annual death toll, as well as Parkinsons and Liver Disease.
And these aren't just made up. These statistics are well-researched, Callahan has long been a campaigner against the right to suicide and the very debate makes him angry. He's shaking his fist now animatedly at the camera, barely able to contain his emotions.
Michael Callahan: What makes me angry about the Suicide Title though is that although I'm religious, Christianity does not factor into why I despise suicide so much. No. My hatred of suicide transcends beyond my spirituality. The reason I hate the Suicide Title is because it seeks to glorify a horrific act which affects tens of thousands of families each year, an act that is not only incredibly stupid and cowardly but also extremely selfish. The fact that they have a title embodying that makes me feel nauseous and to all those in attendance, don't be surprised if your duly elected wrestling representative Michael Callahan makes a stand and leaves mid-way through the match.
Callahan then emphatically turns his nose up at the camera, as if to turn his nose up at the Suicide Title.
Michael Callahan: But even then the denotations of the Suicide Title are irrelevant to the main issue here. The Suicide Title embodies freedom in the ring, a laissez-faire attitude towards the rules and the general consensus of taking risks no matter what the cost to body and mind to get the job done in the ring. This is part of a culture of wrestling which is both reckless and stupid. This... so called “Hardcore Wrestling”, a new trend brought upon us by the fans demand for more bloodlust in the ring which once again proves how selfish the constituents out there are. As a man who was captain of the Yale Amateur Wrestling team in college as well as his high school wrestling team and is classically trained in Submission Fighting, it makes my blood boil to see this sport degraded to those pornographic levels of violence.
And there it is, a characteristic tirade against the Hardcore Wrestlers that sacrifice blood, sweat and tears in the name of glory. Some admire it. Callahan doesn't.
Michael Callahan: So when it push comes to shove this Sunday at Survive and Conquer there is a very plausible chance that I may simply stand up and leave the match in protest against this disgusting trophy of sin. In fact... no. I won't. I won't walk away from that title match. I will fight tooth and nail against my other four co-combatants and show them exactly why I am the hottest acquisition APW has ever made. I will show them my entire arsenal of wrestling moves. The American Suplex, The Washington Lariat, The Campaign Trail and of course? My patented finishing move, The Victory Lock. The deadliest submission move in wrestling history. Once I get that final pinfall and the buzzer goes announcing me as champion... I'll stand tall, revel in the adoration of my constituents and hold that title high and proud right above my head...
And as his voice gets all soft and heavenly his eyes close over and he holds up an invisible title high and proud in the air, a clenched fist representing that championship gold that he now desires with a grin on his face showing his passion for the accolade.
Michael Callahan: Before I drop it in the trash can right where it belongs. That's right America. In the trash. Where it belongs. For you see, if elec-, not if, but WHEN I become Suicide Champion my first act as champion will be to REPLACE the title with a new title far more appropriate of my calibre. Something more positive, more reflective of my deeply rooted Conservative values. A “Pro Life” Championship. Something like that. We'll get rid of that scummy, damaged old title and replace it with the Pro Life belt where rule abiding, responsibility, and classical wrestling skill will be valued in championship matches rather than who can hit the other in the face with a tyre iron the most times.
Hooray for generalisations and stereotypes. Another classic trademark of some of America's right wing, but Callahan doesn't care. He'll play it up all he likes. Is it really that far from the truth?
Michael Callahan: And the new Pro Life belt? Well, I've been working on some designs and while I can't show you any pictures I can tell you what I'm going to do. That old belt will be going in a trash compactor, or possibly to a foundry to be reprocessed into my new title. Made out of the purest of silver on a dark black, luxurious leather strap with matching buckles on it. It will have side-plates that have such imagery as the US flag emblazoned on silver and a bald eagle, a symbol of our great nation. But the real masterpiece will be the centre plate. For the new “Pro Life” championship will have a spinner title and on that spinner will not be the APW logo... or “Pro Life” title but simply an image imposed. And that image will be the smiling face of a newborn. That's right America, my new title will have a baby's face on a spinner on it to represent the wholesome values I stand for.
... What? A baby spinner? Has the duly elected wrestling representative lost his mind?
Michael Callahan: So if you're looking for an exciting night of thrills, spills and an almost... shudder, Marxist style overthrowing of debauchery for the Suicide title then make sure you tune in this sunday to Survive and Conquer for the historic eighty six man rumble that consists largely of people nobody has ever heard of nor care about. You can see a World Heavyweight Title clash between Kash and Havok which I'm sure will be thrilling, but it will be MY victory in the Championship Scramble that is the one to watch. I will usher in an era of stability within Action Packed Wrestling when I beat Katrina Olivetti and the other scrooges. So make sure to order the pay-per-view and watch it all unfold. This has been Michael Callahan bidding you all good night, and remember, a vote for Callahan is a vote for victory. Goodnight and God bless.
And with that Callahan reaches round the side of the camera and flicks the off-switch. In the next chapter in the tale of Callahan's life he'll be talking extensively about his four opponents and making a comparative analysis as to why he's better than every single one of them. However one has to wonder as to whether a man who wants to have the face of a newborn baby superimposed on his title. Rest assured, the duly elected wrestling representative is not a paedophile and is fully in favour of the bills that suggest allowing the torture of convicted child sex criminals but some have to wonder if he is TOO committed to his beliefs. In the end though it's his tenacity which has brought him to the dance, brought him a Yale standard education and in the end? It could bring him to a Suicide, or should that be... Pro Life Championship.
What has possessed Michael to hitting the internet highway in the rapid way he has is anyone's guess. Some would say it's a desire to flout the stereotypes of Republicans being out of touch with modernity. Callahan though traditional in his politics and a fan of wisdom of the ages wants to show those pencil pushing Liberals that the Good Old Party can be the Good New Party too. And so now on all of our screens he's here before us, delivering a tirade about his wrestling career. Without further ado, here's the man himself with strong words regarding his booking at Survive and Conquer.
Michael Callahan: Hello, my fellow Americans live on Youtube. It is I, your duly elected wrestling representative here to present the first in many in what I hope is going to be the most exciting video blog not just from a pro wrestler but also on the internet. So as you can see I'm down here in “The Bunker”, the basement den of my white picket fence home in Kelso, Washington and if you bare with me I'll give you the grand tour of the room.
He takes the camera on location with him despite the laborious setting up process and takes it towards his living area in the basement a few metres behind him at his computer desk. In his living area he has a large HD ready television set, 44 inches, surround sound system, a DVD collection of some classic films including “Top Gun”, “Urban Commando”, and the Street Fighter movie as well as a crate of Tequila beer in a cooler and of course, every season of Futurama on DVD, the complete collection.
Michael Callahan: I own the Futurama collection as well as Magnum PI, I've got some beers, a snack bowl, a huge television set and just about anything a man would ever want to relax with on my time off. But sadly none of this stuff really gets used as I don't have much time to unwind. In between training for my career as a professional wrestler, managing stocks and carrying out my responsibilities as the leader of the Washington Young Republican association I am regrettably not left with a jot of free time to be able to “chill out” down here but I guess it is always nice to know I have a safe resort when times are looking grey.
He then walks back towards his computer and positions the camera atop his monitor, a place where it remains for the rest of the video. As he takes his seat he sweeps some of his hair out of the way of his forehead, self-conscious of his reflection before undoing the penultimate top button on his shirt making him appear more casual.
Michael Callahan: Going back to my firmly held allegiance to the Republican party, it is actually there where my story begins. You see, I was at a Republican conference in San Diego last week where might I add, I was the key note speaker for the after dinner party. And it was during this speech that I got a phone call. See, luckily my cell was on vibrate and my speech was not disturbed but I knew that anyone who had my number knew me well enough to know that I would be busy in the midst of a speech. Nevertheless I get back to my seat and check the missed call register and lo and behold, who happens to be ringing me? None other than my beautiful fiancé, Bethany.
He rolls his eyes. Though he adores his long term partner to the point that he's willing to marry her, he's something of a sexist in that he sees some of her mistakes as being “silly” and typical of her being a woman. It's unfair and Catherine Mackinnon would surely wish to kick his ass but Bethany herself tolerates it, seeing it as simply horseplay and part of his light-hearted nature.
Michael Callahan: So, I excuse myself for some fresh air and return the call where I immediately scald her for calling me when she knew I was the key note speaker for this big convention. But she remedied it with the revelation that she had exciting news. I'd been booked. For Survive and Conquer. But lo and behold it wasn't just any match, it was a five man championship scramble. Now believe me when I found this out I damn near punched out the NRA ambassador who was stood next to me in my sheer excitement but then it hit me. Championship Scramble? Five men? Who were the other competitors? And for what title would I be competing? I was absolutely thrilled. Until she delivered the harrowing news...
There's a dramatic pause and suddenly Callahan's expression which had up until this point ranged from mildly annoyed to pleasantly surprised changes suddenly to deadpan and disgusted. His eyes start to slant and his lips curl into a grimace and you can tell that deep down he really doesn't want to say those words on his lips, the words on the lips of every Callahan fan in attendance at Survive and Conquer.
Michael Callahan: “You're competing for the APW Suicide Championship...”
Dun dun duuuuuuun.
Michael Callahan: When the dime dropped I was understandably furious beyond sane comprehension. See when I first heard they were putting me in a championship match I was absolutely elated. I was euphoric. I figured that just maybe the booking staff were halfway intelligent as I am and that, glory days, someone might actually know talent when it hit them in the face. But then I come to find out that I've been put in contendership for the Suicide Championship? Now do not get me wrong. I am not turning up my nose at it because it is not the World Heavyweight Championship. In my eyes winning any title is an accomplishment. I'm not being a snob about the fact it's not the top belt on Asylum... but... Suicide...
Just the utterance makes him feel nauseous, the look on his face representing his stomach which feels like a pair of trainers tumbling in the washing machine.
Michael Callahan: Suicide. Do the head honcho's here have any idea who I am? I am a God-fearing, arms-bearing, smiling, pro-life Republican. I abhor any attempts to interfere with the sanctity of human life whether it be suicide, murder or euthanasia. The very idea that maybe announced to the world that Michael Callahan is the champion of suicide makes my blood quite literally boil to the point where you can hear the steam whistling if you stand close enough to me. In 2009, thirty six thousand committed suicide making it the tenth leading cause of death in the US. It consistently scores higher than Homicide in the annual death toll, as well as Parkinsons and Liver Disease.
And these aren't just made up. These statistics are well-researched, Callahan has long been a campaigner against the right to suicide and the very debate makes him angry. He's shaking his fist now animatedly at the camera, barely able to contain his emotions.
Michael Callahan: What makes me angry about the Suicide Title though is that although I'm religious, Christianity does not factor into why I despise suicide so much. No. My hatred of suicide transcends beyond my spirituality. The reason I hate the Suicide Title is because it seeks to glorify a horrific act which affects tens of thousands of families each year, an act that is not only incredibly stupid and cowardly but also extremely selfish. The fact that they have a title embodying that makes me feel nauseous and to all those in attendance, don't be surprised if your duly elected wrestling representative Michael Callahan makes a stand and leaves mid-way through the match.
Callahan then emphatically turns his nose up at the camera, as if to turn his nose up at the Suicide Title.
Michael Callahan: But even then the denotations of the Suicide Title are irrelevant to the main issue here. The Suicide Title embodies freedom in the ring, a laissez-faire attitude towards the rules and the general consensus of taking risks no matter what the cost to body and mind to get the job done in the ring. This is part of a culture of wrestling which is both reckless and stupid. This... so called “Hardcore Wrestling”, a new trend brought upon us by the fans demand for more bloodlust in the ring which once again proves how selfish the constituents out there are. As a man who was captain of the Yale Amateur Wrestling team in college as well as his high school wrestling team and is classically trained in Submission Fighting, it makes my blood boil to see this sport degraded to those pornographic levels of violence.
And there it is, a characteristic tirade against the Hardcore Wrestlers that sacrifice blood, sweat and tears in the name of glory. Some admire it. Callahan doesn't.
Michael Callahan: So when it push comes to shove this Sunday at Survive and Conquer there is a very plausible chance that I may simply stand up and leave the match in protest against this disgusting trophy of sin. In fact... no. I won't. I won't walk away from that title match. I will fight tooth and nail against my other four co-combatants and show them exactly why I am the hottest acquisition APW has ever made. I will show them my entire arsenal of wrestling moves. The American Suplex, The Washington Lariat, The Campaign Trail and of course? My patented finishing move, The Victory Lock. The deadliest submission move in wrestling history. Once I get that final pinfall and the buzzer goes announcing me as champion... I'll stand tall, revel in the adoration of my constituents and hold that title high and proud right above my head...
And as his voice gets all soft and heavenly his eyes close over and he holds up an invisible title high and proud in the air, a clenched fist representing that championship gold that he now desires with a grin on his face showing his passion for the accolade.
Michael Callahan: Before I drop it in the trash can right where it belongs. That's right America. In the trash. Where it belongs. For you see, if elec-, not if, but WHEN I become Suicide Champion my first act as champion will be to REPLACE the title with a new title far more appropriate of my calibre. Something more positive, more reflective of my deeply rooted Conservative values. A “Pro Life” Championship. Something like that. We'll get rid of that scummy, damaged old title and replace it with the Pro Life belt where rule abiding, responsibility, and classical wrestling skill will be valued in championship matches rather than who can hit the other in the face with a tyre iron the most times.
Hooray for generalisations and stereotypes. Another classic trademark of some of America's right wing, but Callahan doesn't care. He'll play it up all he likes. Is it really that far from the truth?
Michael Callahan: And the new Pro Life belt? Well, I've been working on some designs and while I can't show you any pictures I can tell you what I'm going to do. That old belt will be going in a trash compactor, or possibly to a foundry to be reprocessed into my new title. Made out of the purest of silver on a dark black, luxurious leather strap with matching buckles on it. It will have side-plates that have such imagery as the US flag emblazoned on silver and a bald eagle, a symbol of our great nation. But the real masterpiece will be the centre plate. For the new “Pro Life” championship will have a spinner title and on that spinner will not be the APW logo... or “Pro Life” title but simply an image imposed. And that image will be the smiling face of a newborn. That's right America, my new title will have a baby's face on a spinner on it to represent the wholesome values I stand for.
... What? A baby spinner? Has the duly elected wrestling representative lost his mind?
Michael Callahan: So if you're looking for an exciting night of thrills, spills and an almost... shudder, Marxist style overthrowing of debauchery for the Suicide title then make sure you tune in this sunday to Survive and Conquer for the historic eighty six man rumble that consists largely of people nobody has ever heard of nor care about. You can see a World Heavyweight Title clash between Kash and Havok which I'm sure will be thrilling, but it will be MY victory in the Championship Scramble that is the one to watch. I will usher in an era of stability within Action Packed Wrestling when I beat Katrina Olivetti and the other scrooges. So make sure to order the pay-per-view and watch it all unfold. This has been Michael Callahan bidding you all good night, and remember, a vote for Callahan is a vote for victory. Goodnight and God bless.
And with that Callahan reaches round the side of the camera and flicks the off-switch. In the next chapter in the tale of Callahan's life he'll be talking extensively about his four opponents and making a comparative analysis as to why he's better than every single one of them. However one has to wonder as to whether a man who wants to have the face of a newborn baby superimposed on his title. Rest assured, the duly elected wrestling representative is not a paedophile and is fully in favour of the bills that suggest allowing the torture of convicted child sex criminals but some have to wonder if he is TOO committed to his beliefs. In the end though it's his tenacity which has brought him to the dance, brought him a Yale standard education and in the end? It could bring him to a Suicide, or should that be... Pro Life Championship.
