Another RP Another Request

[The Hitman]

Thanks for the feedback on the last one Slade. Hoping to get more feedback on this one. I still kept the story telling going but I tried to include more promo feel to it. Hope you enjoy.

[Slade "The Main Man" Craven]

During Overdrive tonight, I will take a look at both yours and Nicks and offer what I can sir.

Hrm don't know why it doesnt register this as a response.

[Slade "The Main Man" Craven]

Steve sir,

I reviewed your piece from May 9th and I enjoyed your twists on your character. The inner conflict was very apparent. I rather enjoyed your shoot and want to see you push that envelope further. Right now, Mr. Stryker seems more of a tweener than a heel. His inner struggle with wrestling a member of the opposite sex seemed to take that full heel turn towards the end of the shoot.

No, the true victory would be making you tap out. Hearing the “I give” squirm out of you.

That is an excellent frame of mind for a heel to be in. Playing a heel means "no matter who you face, you wont be satisfied until you rip that victory from their fingertips"

As for your writing, I still noticed a little of the mixing tenses. Also, using the -ing suffix helps add to the dynamic of present tense, it doesnt always have to be -s. Dialogue in creative writing is usually told in past tense and that conflicted with your present tense opening. You changed tenses as soon as Steve arrived at the arena.

Next a good rule of thumb for creative writers is to scan their work for repetition. The four of the first five paragraphs began with your characters last name, also several sentences in the paragraph began with his last name as well. You can mix it up a little. Consider identyifying him occasionaly by his traits and personality to express the character.

Lastly, the dialogue was a little hard to follow for the other characters, because they were all identically formatted. Now, this works if everyone is the same to Stryker. Ive seen roleplays portray their characters as so "great" that NPCs and stock characters are all the same insignificant person to that character. Yet the format is still slightly different than the action text. This also made the dialogue seem a little repetitious.

“Yeah sure, I’ll grab some of this stuff.” Stryker did as he said and grabbed an amplifier.

Perhaps: As he grabbed an amplifier, Stryker replied, "Yeah sure, I'll grab some of this stuff."

Hope this helps sir, good luck this week.

[The Hitman]

Thanks so much for the feedback man.

I'll try and watch the tenses more.

I'm having a tough time trying to incorporate colors into the style. Next RP I'll try and work them in there.