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Post by sykes on May 16, 2012 21:58:06 GMT -4
apwprez.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=mayhem2012&action=display&thread=10236
I know I am posting this a little bit late, but I was focusing on the other rp I needed to do. I like this one. It had a decent balance of comedy and seriousness to it. At least I think so anyway. But I know it wasn't the greatest. I'm still trying to get a handle on the character since it's been awhile since I've played him. This is my first big match with him in I don't know how long. Anyways, I am intereated to see what people think. Advice/feedback that can be given would be great and thanks so much in advance. |
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Post by Metrodamus on May 19, 2012 22:08:04 GMT -4
Figured since this is empty I'd offer my thoughts:
It was an okay piece. I think I remember reading that you're an English student which I admire 'cause I hate English with a passion. That being said there were a few things that I didn't like - and it could just be me. The first thing I noticed was that too often I find you're telling me things. I think either Kyle or I mentioned this in a previous feedback but it's far more effective allowing your reader to determine your message as opposed to telling them what it is.
Example: Instead of telling me that Johnny Sykes is angry, have him act in an angry manner.
Sure, it may use more words but I think it makes the role play more palatable and thus a lot better. I also find it sticks with me more as opposed to when I'm told it because I've figured it out.
The other thing I've found is that sometimes it just seems rather emotionless to me, but I think that's very well tied into the first part. I think when you allow your reader to develop their own opinions they become invested in the character and that allows them to feel the emotion present in your role play. It's the hallmark of a good writer when you're able to have your characters act in a way that causes your reader to feel the same way about a character and a situation as if you told them. In the above example because I can see the anger in Johnny's emotions, it's a lot easier to personally feel them, ya feel?
One other thing is stylistically the long paragraphs make it a lot harder to get through the role play. I find myself occasionally having to refocus mid way through. I used to run into this problem a lot as a writer and it is easily fixable.
I hope this doesn't sound like I'm being too negative as you're a very, very talented writer. I think just a few minor things will have you off and running. I also look forward to seeing what you have to say about others role plays because I think you've got a great mind, and background, to offer some really good feedback to others.
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Post by sykes on May 20, 2012 6:27:24 GMT -4
First and foremost, I wanted to thank you for your time and giving me some feedback.
When it comes to the lack of emotion, I think you are right about that. I believe my problem is I have played him so long as this guy that is immature, easy going, laid back, all about fun, ect that I never allowed him to have 'emotion' about things or allowed him to be 'bothered by things' and that's cleary a down fall of my mine. It's time I start branching out and adding more depth to the character.
As far as the long drawn out paragraphs, yes that is an issue of mine. I might be a college student going for an english major but when you go to school all year long for something like that when it comes to recreational writing, least for me. I tend to throw all the rules out the window haha.
Also when it comes to the long paragraphs. Its been a style of mine for years. I dont mean to do it. It just happens because I have done it for so long. Just something I got to sway away from and remind myself to break things down so it isn't jumbled and making things hard for people to read.
I didn't see it as you being negative, but being helpful more than anything at all. This truly will help me keep on the right track with Sykes and get him going in the right direction since its been so long since I have played him. Once again thanks for taking the time to offer me some feedback and hopefully I can be able to take it and twist it to my favor for the future.[/size]
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