Trapped In the Chris Hart

[Delikado]

Gherkinpenis Harlot presents
B O S S
Year 0 – Episode 5 – “Trapped In the Chris Hart”

Narrator: For this week’s BOSS, everyone and everything will be blamed on an American President. Let’s get started. James Buchanan, you have a decently cool name but you otherwise do nothing for the people, and you are hated by everyone who ever lived ever.

(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)

Our scene opens outside the Deli Tee Vee HQ in Alaska. A taxi has just pulled up and the backseat opens up, revealing a drunken Delikado. The Boss is carrying two and a half bottles of champagne in his hands, while an untold number of additional empty bottles spill out all over the ground. Uninterested, the Cuban stumbles toward his base of operations and then turns around toward the taxi, weaving around and grinning like a drunken asshole. An incredibly good looking and AMAZING drunken asshole!

Delikado: Hey Travolta, good partying with ya, bro! You…you know how to raise hell *hiccup* and have a good time, ya know? Going around grabbing dudes by the balls…it…*hiccup* heh…it ain’t Delikado’s game, but you make it work, yaknownwutI’msayin? Ahhhh, you knoooow, you corndog grabber you! We should get some more massages soon, maybe grab some TITS next time! Ha-ha, GIRL TITS! *hiccup* Was’dat? You…you gonna grab dudes’ junk? Just ta……just ta fuck wit em? Oh kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay John Travolta, ha, ha, ha…LIKE A--*buurrrrrrrrp*…..BAWSE!

We cut to the driver of the taxi, who is silently staring at Delikado, alone in the vehicle.

Taxi Driver: You rode alone.

Delikado: And you ride…..TO HECK!

Delikado goes to fling one of his champagne bottles at the taxi driver, only to trip and fall in his drunken state. All but one of the bottles scatter and break on the solid ground. The taxi driver stares in an emotionless manner while Delikado scoops himself up, awkwardly grabbing the last champagne bottle, and still very drunkenly.

Delikado: Ahhhhh……Candyland! Good-night!

Delikado, scatter-brained, stumbles into his Deli Tee Vee base, although he ends up getting about two feet before he comes to find key members of his staff and other associates standing there looking serious and style-cramping-worthy. There’s his valet Ariel Hassle, the Carrington trio (Jet, Moss, and Domino), his lawyer Manny Valdez, and his main Deli Tee Vee Executive Producer of the entire Northeast Ron Reynolds, among other unimportant stand-ins. Delikado cocks one eyebrow in confusion as he stares ahead in a daze.

Delikado: What’s the matter? Did……*whispering* did someone die…? Wha--wha--*panicking* Was it Delikado?!

Delikado nervously pats himself over and then cools down once he discovers he’s okay.

Delikado: Heh-heh, of COURSE Delikado didn’t die you…*hiccup*…you little FOOLS! Stop….don’t be so alarmed next time…..I…I can’t ever never die! Dying is for…is for ….BABIES and……*hiccup* I……am a maaaaan….

Delikado hoists up the champagne bottle in his hand and jugs what’s left of the liquid within it. He lets out a loud burp afterwards. Manny sighs and steps forward to his client.

Manny Valdez: Delikado, we need to have a serious discussion right now. It concerns all of us.

Delikado holds up a hand to cut off his lawyer.

Delikado: Say no more, lawyer person whose name Delikado can’t remember right now. Delikado knows EXACTLY what you’re talking about…

Delikado waddles over to Ron Reynolds and wraps an arm around him, breathing gross alco-breath on his executive producer before speaking.

Delikado: Ron Reynolds, Delikado hates you with every fiber of his being. He’s sure everyone at Deli Tee Vee hates you as well, but Delikado just needs to make sure you know that he hates you the most of all. In FACT!, if Delikado had a choice between wishing every good, decent person who ever died back to life with the Dragon Balls, or smashing one of the Dragon Balls over your ugly diarrhea of a head, Delikado would break the rules and smash ALL SEVEN Dragon Balls over your head!!

Ron Reynolds is taken aback in silent horror at what has been said.

Ron Reynolds: I didn’t say anything…

Delikado: Well tough FUCKS, because Delikado could hear your thoughts! They’re loud…and stupid…and they need to shut up!

Ariel, looking the most concerned in a girly sympathetic/upset sense, steps forward now and holds her hand to her heart as she speaks. Here it comes…

Ariel Hassle: No, Delikado, no. Our concern comes from YOU. Ever since you’ve come to APW and set up Deli Tee Vee, your self-centered, self-loving, and overall harmful behavior towards other people has hit an all-time high!

Delikado: Good, then that means Delikado’s winning!

Ariel: No, that’s not what that means! Manny, would you…would you PLEASE put this in some kind of official perspective for him…?

Manny clears his throat and pulls out a notepad, reading off a list apparently.

Valdez: Let’s see. Since last week alone, you’ve taken my car and run it off a cliff. Twice. What’s more, that was my Saturday night “clubbing” car. You couldn’t even crash my douchey lawyer car and get the firm to buy me a new, nicer one!

Moss Carrington: Yeah! And then when it comes time to run a Deli Tee Vee show, you use all of our resources to buy expensive set up props that are only used once before you set them on fire! That whole “Dionysus Park”, it took the crews a week and a half to put the whole thing together, costing us a MONTH’S pay, and then you burn the whole thing down and have a raging all-girl orgy in front of it five minutes after the film’s recorded!

Domino Carrington: Not even an invite to watch, bro. I coulda sat behind one way glass and just looked, not even touched, but noooo…Dick.

Suddenly, two scantily-clad women walk up to Delikado, giggling, and he put his arms around their waists, getting a kiss from both. The Boss just grins at his employees.

Delikado: The ladies here would disagree on all of your protests. The five-thousand a night for their services is totally good for us all, especially Delikado! But if you guys need convincing, Delikado doesn’t mind setting up a late night show, get some exotic sex moves going we learned in Australia, and record it all over a lava pit. THAT should net some big ratings and clear up this Mother’s Day dilemma you all are bitching about or whatever…

Jet Carrington: You know what, I’ll just go ahead and say it. I say you’re acting like this because you’re older than you used to be, Delikado. Before you came to APW, you were in prison, and before that, you were in a rather vague No Man’s Land with company after company failing as you lingered in it. And now that you’ve gotten into a company that has no way of falling out from under you anytime soon, you’re letting your horrible side out. Your cold, bitter, selfish and wholesomely inconsiderate self! The whole package, with Deli Tee Vee as your ship. And you don’t care who you have to stomp on in order to have a good time, because it’s the first time in a long time you’ve really even gotten to HAVE a good time!

Ariel: Agreed! Before you set up shop here in Alaska and all, you only used Deli Tee Vee as an occasional mockery program of people who asked for it. People who honestly DESERVED to be put in their place, and even then you and handled it in a manner that was more reserved and cleverly-handled. You even had some honor showing in your actions occasionally, but now you make it a personal, self-appealing vendetta to go out and cook up trouble by any means necessary. Even if it’s all lies or unfounded smut like with Chris Hart and Amy Noble! You’re like TMZ, only you’re not even energetic enough to go out for a night of stalking your actual targets! Oh my God, YOU’RE WORSE THAN TMZ!! It-It-It’s lazy, AND drug-induced no doubt...

Delikado reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small package of some unknown blue substance. He proceeds to turn around and snort some of it before looking back to everyone else.

Delikado: This shit’s good. Really keeps Delikado’s brain a-flowing with the ideas. You can try some if you like.

Ariel: Uh, no. Maybe later. Thanks though.

Delikado idly grabs and begins to brush his teeth with the finger of one of the women at his side.

Delikado: Guess you can’t buy everyone’s contentment with drugs. Maybe if you had a baby…and Delikado had a rollercoaster.

Manny’s lawyer temper kicks in as he takes a stand now.

Valdez: That’s it! This crew obviously means little to you except for a punchline or as a setup for some verbal abuse to an opponent. We need to see some respect from you, our Boss, or we WALK!

Delikado gasps in surprise at this.

Delikado: Delikado’s got respect…….for you……………kinda………who are you all again?

Valdez: Then show us. Do something a respectable Boss would do to make it clear things are going in a serious direction from here on out with Deli Tee Vee. Start by…

He looks around the area and then spots a dry erase board nearby that reads ‘Delikado’s APW Career’ with a “W” column which is bearing Delikado’s present victory tally, and a “L” column which is empty. Manny points to the board.

Valdez: Your loss to John Dionysus. Go over there and mark it down on the board. You’ve been avoiding it all week and pretending the whole match didn’t happen.

Delikado: But….but it didn’t happen. Chris Hart and stuff.

Valdez: Mark the Loss column with a tally to show us you accept defeat and are ready to move on with this business like an adult, or I will stop being your lawyer, take the side of everyone here, and we’ll sue you.

Delikado starts to speak, but it’s clear his brain isn’t active enough to formulate a comeback. He frowns in distress as his DTV employees all wait patiently for him to make a choice.

Delikado: Gah……….fine. You got Delikado it seems, and that’s rare.

Delikado turns and slowly walks over to the board. He tilts his head up and looks at the “L” column.

Delikado: I guess all Delikado has to do now…

Suddenly, the Cuban pulls out a lighter for his cigar and flicks it to life.

Delikado: IS MAKE IT RAIN FIRE!!!

The Boss blows his still highly alcoholic breath into the lighter’s flame and shoots a stream of fire toward the board!

Moss: That jerk, no!

Domino: He’s destroying it, and then he’s going to destroy ME! Oh my gaaaaawd!

When the initial chaos passes, we see that Delikado has unintentionally blown fire at everything AROUND the board and set only a few things on fire. The board itself is completely unharmed. Delikado pants in exhaustion, tired from his night out, and proceeds to pass out on the floor. His employees roll their eyes and look otherwise annoyed as their Boss snores deeply on the ground. Manny groans in annoyance and walks over to Delikado, tugging him up while some other people put the fires out.

Valdez: Delikado, wake your vice-riddled-self up!

Delikado babbles mindlessly as he is only half-awake.

Delikado: Ehhhhh…..but Del-Del can PROVE Washington touched me! He’s on the damn DOLLAR!

Valdez: ……….What?

Manny shakes it off and puts a sharpie in Delikado’s hand, which he then puts to the board under the “L” column. The lawyer guides the Cuban’s sharpie-holding hand downward, making a tally mark. When it’s done, Delikado snaps back into an awakened reality.

Delikado: *gasp!* Damn you! Delikado’s whiteboard! That was the only thing saving us from four more years of Noble!

And just like that, Delikado wipes the horror off his face and walks past his employees, who just stare wide-eyed as the Cuban paces away.

Delikado: Well, time to train Delikado’s daughter how to sew. With the proper teaching, she WILL formulate Delikado the perfect cape one day! And then Delikado will be the biggest, baddest, cape-wearingest Boss in the world!

As they watch him move off to do other stuff, Ariel turns toward Manny.

Ariel: Okay then, THAT accomplished nothing.

Valdez: Perhaps. That or we just unleashed even more mayhem for Mayhem.

Manny smiles in an ‘Oh, I went there’ manner, to which Ariel just frowns and shakes her head in disappointment.

(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)

APW Gift Shop, Montreal, Quebec
Sometime later

Delikado walks up to the gift shop stand, which is currently only in an early setup stage as merchandise for Mayhem is being placed on the shelves. The Cuban approaches the clerk dragging behind him a wagon carrying a new TV camera, materials to develop photos, a television, and a trash bag of condoms.

Delikado: Delikado will take all of these things.

Clerk: None of that comes from this stand, sir. Or from any APW merchandise stall. In fact, this all looks like a bunch of equipment stolen from the trailer out back.

Delikado: Look, Delikado can’t help it that you have a Helen Keller attention span and can’t keep track of your own stock. Just pull a Ray Charles and sing me a price, slut.

The clerk, a man, frowns and looks over the stuff while Delikado rips a CJ Gates t-shirt off the rack and begins to cut the face out of it with some scissors.

Delikado: Gonna Photoshop my face under your hat, I am.

Clerk: As I said before, sir, I can’t legally sell you any of this stuff because it doesn’t belong here. Maybe you should go put it all back.

Delikado: That’s a lie. Delikado has money, ergo he can buy anything! It’s like you’re blind and can’t see that—Delikado told you to be Ray Charles and you go blind on him! The fuck, ho? The fuck?

Clerk: You know, I’m aware of who you are. As a wrestler who’s supposed to be part of the Mayhem event coming up, shouldn’t you be…I dunno, thinking and acting towards THAT…?

Delikado frowns in annoyance and reaches into his pocket, pulling out a wallet.

Delikado: Alrighty then, it’s clear you need proof of Delikado’s wealth. Here…

The Cuban opens the wallet, revealing it to be empty. He frowns in dismay and then looks up at the sky.

Delikado: Damn you, Chris Hart! Your girly spending habits have ruined me!

Delikado now returns to address the clerk, grabbing hold of the wagon handle.

Delikado: Well, okay, something’s clearly come up to keep me from paying you for these items. As a mature adult, Delikado must simply abide by the rules of this company and your meager stall—

Delikado drops the wagon handle and lifts a lighter from his pocket in triumph.

Delikado: AND SOAR AWAY ON A TRAIL OF FIRE WITH IT ALL!!

He breathes his alcoholic breath into the flame and shoots of line of fire toward the clerk. The fire is stopped, however, when it’s revealed the clerk is standing behind thick, almost invisible glass to protect him from robbers…and fireballs apparently. The flames merely dissipate against the glass until Delikado stops blowing and wobbles in a dizzy fashion.

Delikado: Well….shit.

Delikado collapses on the floor as yet another night of partying cripples him.

(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)

President Jeff: Delikado, I’m NOT going to give you more money so that you can pursue Chris Hart with the rage of a thousand suns just because you burned through all your original pay and now cannot afford even the cheapest, most basic items. Just cut your spending habits down, wrestle at Mayhem like originally planned, and you’ll receive the rightful payment for the event.

Delikado: Stupid, dude! Stupid! This is racism and Delikado will not stand for it!

President Jeff: Well Chris Hart could always stop standing for your harassment and take action besides just wrestling you, you know. You *have* been debasing his personal life outside the ring after all. Hell, I heard rumors that you even tampered with his car radio to make it play nothing but Barry White so that it would inspire him to go and fool around with Amy Noble. That’s treading on some pretty immoral, personal intrusions into the man’s life.

Delikado: Oh that? No, no, that was WELL in the APW contract laws regarding Delikado’s freedom that I just made up and am trying to sell to you now. I mean how else is Delikado supposed to reveal the truth if he can’t stage events up to make it look like the truth he wants?

President Jeff: I don’t know. The point is, you’re on your own, and the APW is not going to fund every endeavor you want just because you demand it in exchange for nothing in return to us. Chris Hart is your opponent at Mayhem, we gave you that, and we gave you the time to do….whatever it is you’re doing, and that’s that.

Delikado: Urgh, FINE! Delikado will make you APW chumps see that your roster’s nothing but a home-wrecker’s support group, beat Hart in front of everyone and force him into exile, and then….see if he doesn’t do the same to YOU! Evil! You’re all evil, and Delikado will ruin you all! LIKE A BAW--

Little Girl: There he is, Daddy! That’s the man who pushed me down and stole my laptop!

It’s then that we see Delikado has been on Skype with President Jeff. The Cuban looks up from the laptop toward a little girl who is tailing her father, a giant, pissed off-looking biker. Delikado promptly sets the laptop down and runs away.

(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)(o)

Later that evening

We return to the DTV HQ in Alaska with Delikado urgently searching through stacks of gear and TV-equipment for something. In the time since we last saw him, he has grown his facial hair out to a five o’clock shadow and has slicked his hair back while he wears all black, looking rather menacing now. There’s a knock on his office door as Ron Reynolds pokes his head in.

Ron Reynolds: Boss, can I speak to you for a sec?

Delikado just grunts half-heartedly, to which Reynolds takes as an invitation to walk in, looking a bit dejected emotionally.

Reynolds: It’s just…I need to talk to someone, and I figured you were important enough that it might matter. After thinking about what you said the other night, in that whole Dragon Ball speech, I considered that…maybe the people here at Deli Tee Vee DO hate me, and that perhaps I need to do something to change. Maybe get involved more in social activities, or something. Because…ugh…to be HATED by everyone…Hate is just a rather intense and even scarring word if used too much and—

Delikado: It’s intense and scarring because it’s true, Ron Reynolds. It’s like when people talk about Hitler. In addition to saying he was a chancellor of Germany, he was also an artist. The same word can be used to compare da Vinci and Hitler. People hate you like they hate da Vinci for being likened to Hitler. So think about that.

Reynolds frowns, feeling no sense of comfort in that.

Delikado: But hey, you know what? You can earn a little less hate by getting Delikado his skin-tight, see-through rubber gloves. See, after the monetary fiasco Delikado recently had befall him, he pondered and pondered and decided. Chris Hart has pushed me too far, and he’s crossed over the line in his attempts to deceive me and all of the APW from the truth of his Lifetime TV movie-quality affair. Furthermore, he kept Delikado’s match with the John Dionysus from happening, of which Delikado WOULD have won if he DIDN’T sabotage moments before the bell rang. With all these FACTS! in mind, it’s high time we end this charade of fun and uncover the ultimate truth between Chris Hart and Amy Noble. It’s time Delikado takes all that he has and moves forward in his goal of bringing them down once and for all right before Mayhem, where Delikado will finish them forever! To do that, Delikado needs “bringing about the end of your career with gloves” gloves.

Reynolds: I…I don’t quite understand. I’ve kept track of your attempts to get footage every week, and nothing ever happens. It all looks harmless and like a legit friendship, nothing more.

Delikado: Oh-ho, you faithless, foolish bastard! Delikado’s going to MAKE something happen this time, and it will be MORE than friendship! It’ll be something SO much more! Something that will ruin Chris Hart, shatter the Noble family’s marriage, and make the name Delikado synonymous in APW as Cheaters-quality, squeaky-clean, life-ruining justice! I will be a powerhouse, like…

Delikado points at the camera and grins eerily.

Delikado: Sylar!

A pause goes by as Reynolds tries to figure out what Delikado is talking about. The Boss sees that his loser employee doesn’t get it, as he sighs heavily.

Delikado: Sylar. From Heroes. He destroyed people and was awesome. And then the show got cancelled—BUT THAT’S NOT WHAT DELI TEE VEE WILL BE ABOUT! Delikado has used all of his resources and all of his contacts to track down Amy Noble’s residence, and he’s got a pretty clear idea of where Chris Hart is, so that I can pay him a personal visit, heh-heh-heh—

A staff member pokes their head into the open door.

DTV Staff: Boss, Chris Hart is not in any of the local Starbucks’.

Delikado: Okay, so Delikado has no idea where Chris Hart is. But he’ll find him! If this Cuban can find a way to sit through “Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy” without eating himself alive, then the sky is the limit! It’s just a matter of time before I, The Boss, achieve ultimate glory and am heralded as a hero for all of my work and Deli Tee Vee contributions to APW. Then……….Delikado will get his plaque. Oh yes. Ah, here they are!

Delikado pulls out his see-through gloves and pulls them on. He points to nothing in particular, just to look imposing, and then clenches his hand into a mighty fist! With limitless energy and fire he then turns towards a window and opens it, letting the cold Alaskan air rush in. Delikado props his foot up on the window sill and looms forward, staring out into the night.

Delikado: Hear the voice of your Boss, Chris Hart! Delikado brands this a TRIPLE FACT! among FACTS!: You will pay for crossing Delikado! Try as you might to stop me, but you will fail like your father failed to keep you out of dresses as a child! For the lost $8.50, Delikado swears that the lives of you and everyone you hold unnaturally close to you are…OVER!!!

Delikado breaks out into a laugh as he throws his head back and cackles like a super sexy psycho maniac. LIKE A BAWSE! Lightning and thunder even crash about in the background, which is odd since it’s snowing like crazy where Delikado is. The Cuban steps back and closes the window, turning toward Ron Reynolds.

Delikado: Well then, how was THAT? Pretty damn intimidating and awesome if I do say so myself.

Ron Reynolds looks up from his cell-phone and sighs in distress.

Reynolds: Oh, I’m sorry, I was on a call and wasn’t listening. It turns out the horse I had kept since I was a child had an accident where he fell into some barbed wire. We had to put him down…

Delikado frowns, but not in dismay for his employee.

Delikado: Seriously, Delikado feels like you just BEG to be labeled worse than Satan.

Reynolds scoffs in disgust and sadness as he walks out of the office in a hurry. Delikado just shrugs it off as he reaches for a cigar and put it into his mouth. He quickly pulls it from his mouth and looks around, putting a hand to his ear as if he’s listening for something.

Delikado: What? What’s that sound in your heart, Hart? Oh, just a little something called…

Extreme zoom-in on Delikado’s face.

Delikado: Murder.

Delikado puts the cigar back into his mouth.

Delikado: OF YOUR CAREER!!!

The Cuban blows on his lighter again, this time actually lighting the cigar, his intended target.

Delikado: Bitchin’! Play this promo off LIKE A BAWSE, Keyboard Cat!



Delikado: *off-camera* Huh…didn’t know Keyboard Cat was such a hard-hitter. Oh well, it works!

To be continued