Hullaballoo

[Evan De Parker]

”Black cloud crossed my mind
Blue mist round my soul
Feel so suicidal
Even hate my rock and roll
Wanna die yeah wanna die
If I ain't dead already
Ooh girl you know the reason why...”

”Ahahahahaha, oh man-- get a picture of it, before someone notices it and takes it down!”

”Bahahaha, done.”

Click.

We fade into the smiling face of Evan Envi. It is of course no ordinary smile, but rather an eerily omniscient one. We see Sienna Harrison in the background, tending to something on Evan’s floor instead of joining him in front of the camera.

It only takes a few moments to realize that we are viewing this scene through a webcam-- granted it is one of much higher quality than the last time we saw Envi. He is dressed in a white shirt advertising the Beastie Boys’ “Ill Communication” album, though most of its details are hidden from view.

”Hi, Sammy. I’m taking the initiative this week and speaking to you directly. Something that you still can’t seem to do... And that upsets me. More on why in a second.”

In typical web show fashion, Envi edits time-lapses into the shooting in order to eliminate any wasted time or silent moments. Due to this, objects in the back tend to sporadically appear and reappear as Sienna goes hard to work at something on Evan’s floor, which we can gather now is something plastic, as a black plastic frame is lying at her feet. Envi commands our attention, however, speaking loudly as we leap forward in time.

”You’re a bitch.

”Never once proved that you weren’t.

”Did prove that you have SOME business dicking around in the main event, as you already have. Obviously you can’t handle the pressure, since you haven’t said anything since your first main event... But the potential is there. I know it, and unfortunately for me, you know it as well. And that’s not just for giving me one of the most competitive wrestling matches I’ve had in nearly a year--

”That was a compliment.

“But because that’s all it really is, Sammy... Is ‘dicking around’. Because I’m starting to realize that you don’t take this all too seriously. Because I don’t see you goin’ around promoting the match. I haven’t heard a peep from you since you beat me, actually, which REALLY makes me feel lame because you don’t even have the decency to brag about it... I mean, am I worth beating? Sienna, am I worth beating?”

Evan turns around and acknowledges his sister who simply turns her head and gives Evan a reassuring nod.

”I try to gloat as much as possible whenever I beat somebody at something. It’s only right.”

”Th-- RIGHT? Thank you!”

Evan spins his swivel chair back toward the camera and glares into the lens.

”What kind of boring, one-dimensional, non-charismatic jackass has the audacity to pick up a cheap win over the greatest Megastar we’ve seen thus far, that being me, and not even speak a word about it afterward? Why did you even show up, Sammy? First, you start spewing this sewage about how we’re going to be fed to the ‘big dogs’ in APW and we’re going to be eaten alive, chewed up, and shat out, and we’re supposed to like it. And then, after you summon your inner-alcoholic strength to make me tap out, you disappear. You don’t say a word. You don’t do any interviews or release any vignettes... You were scheduled to come down and provide commentary for my match against Benny Horrowitz in Lexington on Meltdown... MY match. That should have been reason enough for you to be on your A-game the whole night.

“You were scheduled to face Dita Morgan in Charleston last week. She’s good, but there’s absolutely no reason you should have lost that match. Your head wasn’t there and your heart wasn’t either. So I came out to the ring and I made sure you knew EXACTLY where your priorities should be.

“But no. Even then, not a peep. Not a complaint... Not a breath. Nobody had even heard from you. Certainly not me. And two weeks ago when I took out the soon-to-be-unemployed Jake Venom, you decided to sit around and play mommy instead of even coming out to the announcer’s table like you were supposed to. You were too busy hiding in the back instead of doing your job. And-- ahahaha, oh my GOD, get this-- when you finally DID show up, you were trying to attack me from behind with a damn chair! Classic.”

Evan throws his hands up and sighs, laughing slightly to himself.

”And that’s why what I’m about to show you makes so much sense. Please observe the scheduled North American Championship match at APW Mayhem, ladies and gentlemen! Evan Envi versus... versus...”

”Hahahahaha!”

”Womp, womp, womp... Sam Packer. Jeez. If you really were worth a damn, you’d think they would at least get your name right, don’t you, Sammy?”

”Evan. That’s rude. Come on, little brother, you’re breaking the first rule of wrestling right now-- If you shit on your opponent the whole time, you hurt his credibility, thus rendering your win near-meaningless, thus, lowering YOUR stock. Think. Consider.”

”...I’ll consider not sending Parker home with an injury. I have no reason to give a damn about his credibility because he doesn’t even give a damn. I will, however, give him his credit where credit is due, Sienna; he knows how to pick his spot, and he knows how to apply a hell of a crossface.”

”And he’s absolutely adorable.”

”Damn, how’d I miss that?”

Evan’s comment reeks with sarcasm but he gives the lens a wink. His eyes travel away from the webcam and toward the monitor. He seems to be reading several paragraphs, sitting in silence through several jumps of the camera thanks to a time-lapse feature... Finally, an eyebrow arches and he looks up toward the webcam with an amused look across his face.

He spins the swivel chair to face Sienna again, who is still partially hidden from view with her project on the floor entirely obscured.

”Have you ever just gotten online and read the message boards attached to all these ‘wrestling news’ websites?”

”Eh. Not so much anymore. Sienna Harrison isn’t the hottest topic these days.”

”Well, that could change. All you have to do--!”

”I told you, Ev. I don’t know. I just don’t know what I want to do yet… And what’s all this hullaballoo about message boards anyway? Whenever I was on them as a kid, you said I—“

”—Was a goddamn nerd. And you were, Sienna. You were e-fedding for Pete’s sake. And you used words like ‘hullaballoo’.”

”I see absolutely nothing wrong with it.”

Sienna folds her hands across her lap and gives Evan a very patient, committed, cold look that insists that she is going to stand by her statement no matter what he throws her way. Evan chuckles slightly at this and swivels around back toward the monitor.

”There’s a rumor coming from the dirt sheets that Jake Venom has severed ties with APW. Instead of rehabbing his ankle, he’s opting to call it quits. And that’s probably for the best… He’ll make more from worker’s compensation than he ever would wrestling.”

Sienna gives Evan another look, this time suggesting that she’s disappointed in his verbal approach… But Evan simply shrugs this off, casting another devilish grin over his left shoulder toward his sister. Sienna rolls her eyes and leans forward to adjust whatever it is on that damn floor. Evan’s body masking the project almost seems comical at this point, as it’s surely unintentional.

”Now, my concern isn’t Venom. We all knew from the start that he wasn’t going to be around here long… I mean, come on. Another straight-edge hard ass from Chicago? My concern is this cowboy, the ‘Lone Star’ Sam Parker. I’m seeing a lot of similarities. I’m seeing a bit of a pattern. And it’s really not too complex—- when people start clamming up around here, that’s a pretty good sign that they’re on their way out the door.

“If that’s the case, then color me outrageously offended. Parker, you have been given the opportunity of a lifetime. WE have been given the opportunity of a lifetime. And I’m not the biggest fan of the dudes that run Action Packed Wrestling, but I give them the tip of my hat for putting me in the inaugural North American Championship match. And I kind of figured you might do the same, but that’s not the case.

“I don’t know why the hell you even came to APW. I’ve been trying to figure that out since the moment you signed a contract here because your heart was never in it. You beat me on the account of a fluke, and I’ll never let myself live that down. Ever. But you’re still here. You’re still allowing APW to waste their time, their money, and their locker room full of HUNGRY Meltdown Megastars… So you can collect a paycheck and make a few sixteen year old girls wet themselves.

“Everything that I said in Charleston on Monday was true, Sam: I am a better wrestler than you. And Johnny made a hell of a mistake by putting you in this match in the first place. But it is what it is and if I have to carry you to a five-star match this Sunday, that’s what I’m going to do. Get your shit together and at least pretend you want some gold around your waist.”

Young Envi looks perturbed during his tirade. He shakes his head and reclines in the swivel chair. Evan looks off into the distance for a few seconds, contemplating the task ahead of him. On one hand, a silent Sam Parker meant that his head simply wasn’t in the game—- as Evan had witnessed, and promptly punished Sam for on Monday. But on the other, his silence was a distraction in and of itself… Perhaps even a little scary, but not enough to provoke panic.

But perhaps enough to provoke suspicion.

”Who knows, Sam? Maybe this is your way of punking me out.”

Again, we find ourselves in silence. Evan narrows his eyes, still looking into the distance, a single finger moving up to his lips. Absentmindedly, he moves it in a drumming fashion before sharply diverting his eyes toward the lens again.

”If you don’t talk, then you can’t risk accidentally revealing your strategy. Is that what this is?”

Paranoia.

Paranoia is beginning to make a nice home for itself somewhere between the pit of Evan’s stomach and the bottom of his heart. He moves both hands down to the arms of the chair now and stares into the lens as if somehow he can look into the eyes of his opponent and read his thoughts.

”My strategy’s simple, Sam: I’m gonna try to break something. Your leg… Your arm… Your neck. And if the allure of the APW North American Title isn’t enough to get you in the fightin’ mood, then maybe another man trying to put you on the shelf will. Because if you don’t show up 110%, ready to go on Sunday night then I will put you on the shelf. It’s not a threat, but a fact.

“Me, personally? I know you don’t have it in you to do something like that to me, Sammy. And I know you don’t have the heart to go the extra mile and win that title. But I’m not going to become complacent just because you are. I’m going to come at you full force, whether you fight back or not. You’re going to put up a struggle for that title, one way or another.”

Evan’s piercing eyes quickly roll away from the lens. This is the last time we will see his eyes during this web broadcast.

Quickly, he spins his chair around to face Sienna Harrison. He leans forward a bit in his chair, almost completely disappearing from our view in the process.

”Sick.”

Sienna looks pleased at the remark and gives him a half-smile. She stands up and folds her hands together, admiring her handiwork. Evan continues to gaze down at it, still leaning forward in the swivel chair. Finally, he pushes himself up to his feet and gives Sienna a satisfied nod.

”Looks good.”

”Think it’s ready for the public?”

”…Well, I guess we’ll find out soon, now won’t we?”

Sienna’s smile turns to a full-blown grin at this point. Clearly giddy with anticipation, she makes her way over toward the computer.

”Well, why are we wasting time? Let’s go.”

”Now?”

”Yes, now little brother. You have a match to promote.”

With the flick of a wrist, Sienna clicks something that sends our world into black. We are cut off of the rest of the conversation between the siblings, without so much as a brief glance at whatever it was the elder Harrison had been working on. However, we don’t have to wait extraordinarily long.

The city of Montreal found out at approximately 7:32 PM on May 17, 2012.