Post by estarr on Jun 24, 2008 5:21:12 GMT -4
Jake: I need a gun. I need more than a gun, I need many guns. I need an army! I need protection man! Can you give me protection!? Can you!? HUH!? *Jake has grabbed Steve by the collar and has started to pull him over the counter in a fit of insane rage* I'm going to St. Louis! The second most dangerous city in the country! In 2006, it was the most dangerous city in the country. Why would my boss send us all there? I didn't think he hated us all that much. *Jake lets go of Steve now, who backs off. Jake is still shaking, his hands trembling* So ... what do you have in the range of assault weapons?
The camera fades away from its hot opening to a blank screen, followed by a shot of the monkeys of Borneo eating food. Look at the happy monkeys with their fruit, their grass, their trees. Now one of the monkeys has a knife! Another monkey pulls a blade out and it's on! Monkey knife fight! The rest of the clan form a ring as the two knife-wielding monkeys circle around. As they get closer, they begin to test one another's nerves with restrained jabs. Suddenly, one of them lunges for the other, flying through the air with the grace of ... well ... a monkey. The other ducks, and tries to swipe at the flying monkey, but misses. A barrel-roll later and they are circling again. They stare off: Intent monkey eyes boring holes into their deadly opponent. The observing monkeys continue to cheer and hoot, banging the ground and their chests in excitement. With tremendous speed one of the monkeys fakes a left, darts right, and gets close enough to strike. The other monkey grabs the wrist of the attacking monkey. Their is a struggle, and they are all tied up, grappling for the upper hand. One of the two monkeys is stronger and pushes the other to the ground. Slowly he forces his knife closer to his opponent's neck. Closer. Closer.
Now surely a monkey knife fight was more entertaining than a fake talk with God? Right? It's a freaking monkey knife fight for crying out loud! Monkey ... knife ... fight! And besides, it was good filler. Doesn't anyone else get sick of reading over-extended descriptions of what characters are doing for five hours a day? Actions are boring - speech is entertaining. And so too are monkey knife fights.
The camera then cuts to a shot of interviewer Phil (last name unknown) and Jake Ruby, the E-Starr himself.
Phil: At this time, I'd like to introduce our interviewee for the night: Jake Ruby. Jake, you have a match at Test for the Best for the Overdrive title. Blah blah blah, I'm talking about stuff the readers already know ... what are your thoughts?
Jake: First, Phil, thanks for having me. Second, I want to dedicate my match. My match, at Test for the Best, will be dedicated to all the viewers out there who want to be exactly like me - a successful man on television. A man who has grown up and moved on with his life. My match should be an inspiration for all those people who want to go and do something. The very fact that you'll be watching my match is case and point proof that I am inspiring people to do something - I've inspired you to watch T.V.. A noble effort at making something of your life. Noble for you people perhaps, but not for me. You could never be as good as me, so watching T.V. is about as close to greatness as you can get.
Phil: Ok. That's rather strange. Do you want to move on, or do you want to talk about your match some more? I'm sure that you already have something in mind to write about ... sorry, I mean talk about.
Jake: We'll talk about my match some more because I'm in the match of the night! Seriously, look at what the rest of the show has to offer. A whole bunch of blow-ins from some place that no one knows about, no one cares about, and no one even remembers. It's like the WCW all over again - just getting in all those big names to try and make something of the company. It's like TNA is now. The stars of the future are just being left to the side. But Michael Lively and Jake Ruby, we have a chance to actually show the audience what young, prime wrestlers can do. Lively might not exactly have the same experience as me - 15 years experience, 1457 titles - but I'm sure he'll put up one heck of a fight. And when people think back to Test for the Best, they will remember the title match that means something - and the title change that means more. That match is my match, and that title change is when I become Overdrive Champion.
Phil: Why will it mean something when you're Overdrive champion Jake?
Jake: Because then I'll be the only champion who doesn't have something to do with a dead company! No one is going to think about that main event that was full of people from some company called WWC. And look at the other title matches - the Xtreme Champion is from that company and the Tag Team Champions are as well. By the end of the night, I could be the only APW-bred champion. I could be the only wrestler who is a native to APW to be holding a championship. I could, really, be the face of APW. I could be APW. Yes, that's it exactly - by the close of Test for the Best, Jake Ruby will be APW. I will be APW. Oh yes, I will be. It will be my first step to company domination, and my expelling of all the old codgers from this organization. But the first thing I'm going to have to do is get rid of all the cronie-ism. I'm sure that the reason I didn't win the Xtreme Championship all those weeks ago was because I wasn't "in" with the "hip". That Tony Blackwell went into Sabotage a champion. But more to the point, he went into Sabotage as an ex-WWC wrestler. I didn't, and look what happened - I got set on fire! I'm sure there's some way all that was rigged. I even tainted the water of the city! Everyone else should have been breathing fumes. But no, I got done like dinner. Cooked well done. Well, none of that is going to happen this time - it's going to be a clean and fair fight between Michael and I. I have respect for the guy.
Phil: You respect Michael Lively?
Jake: Did I say that? Sorry, I meant to say that I hate the guy. Loathe him. He's a chump. He makes a mockery out everything this business is about. Here you have a guy that pretends he is a deity or something, and that he speaks to God! What is he on about!? Take a look at me: I'm a stalwart member of this company. No silly gimmick, no silly antics. Jake Ruby is all serious - I have to be. You can't not be serious and win 1457 titles. The e-fedding world is a serious place. You take the writing seriously, you take the matches seriously, and you take your opponents seriously. If you want to be as good as me, you have to take even the details seriously - your layout, your banner, even the font. You take it all seriously! That's why I'm so great in the e-fedding world - and why I will be even greater in this real world of wrestling.
Michael Lively doesn't take any of this serious enough. He drags his mother around with him. I wouldn't have much of a problem with that if she called the next day. Well, news flash guys: She doesn't. And it hurts. So she can go to hell along with her son, because that's exactly where they're headed after their mockery of God.
Phil: I know how you feel friend.
Jake and Phil exchange a knowing look of emotional pain. Was it so hard for Ms. Lively to call the next day? Even if it was a one-time thing, Jake would have at least liked to have known. It's not fair to get a guy's hopes up, only to squash them with the heel of her shoe. Anyway, getting back to the promo.
Jake: I have something to say to Michael: E-Feds exist. How can they not? I never said that the title was imaginary - it's real. Just like every one of my other titles. I have this book ... *Jake reaches down beside his chair, pulling up a scrapbook, looking worse for wear* .. and it shows each of the titles I have ever won. *Jake opens up the book, and shows the camera the printed pictures of titles, writing beside them, looking much like the efforts of a 5 year old* You can't tell me these don't exist! I have evidence. Documented evidence. Look ... *Jake turns the book to himself, taking note of a page* 'RCW Title, won 15/11/2002. Defeated "Raging Bull" Pauly Jones in Cage in a Cell in Alcatraz match'. You should have seen that match - seriously, we were in Alcatraz, in a cell, in a cage. It was one of the best written hardcore matches I've ever seen.
Phil: I'm sorry to even ask this Jake, but why does it matter? Why does all your past matter?
Jake: Well, if a single singles win over Kenny Lombadro was worth mentioning, then surely my records are just as valid? When I first hear Michael pat himself on the back, about how he had the only singles victory over Lombardo, I thought "Wow, impressive. Perhaps he'd like to hear about my own history to." If he thinks his past is valid, then mine is even more. And I would love to go through more of this baby *Jake pats the book after closing it* but I have to save some for the DVD. But go and check out more of my e-fedding history Michael. You've done it already. Maybe you'll get a little scared, maybe find some things that are little frightening, when you do. Maybe you'll find out what sort of a fight you're in for at Test for the Best.
Phil: Well, this has been a great interview Jake. Thank-you for your time.
Phil stands to leave, but Jake grabs his arm.
Jake: Wait. Get back here. I'm not done. You see, to even get a comparable length promo, I'm going to have to talk for a full two hours. So ... he call me Doc Holliday didn't he? He won at the OK Corral! With Wyatt Earp and his brothers. He shot a whole bunch of people up and lived to tell the tale. In fact, if my memory serves me correctly, he went on to kill Johnny Ringo in the last 10 minutes of the movie after faking being too sick with TB to trick Wyatt. Man that film was good. Kurt Russel and Val Kilmer nailed their roles. And Billy the Kid wasn't there. So I guess it shows how much you Michael. And in my world, the e-fedding world, if you don't know who was fighting in the reference you brought up, then you obviously don't know anything about movies, wrestling, or life. It's logical, just think about it. You didn't know who was fighting at the OK Corral ... there was fighting at the OK Corral ... wrestling is like fighting ... wrestling is life ... thus you don't know anything about anything! Sucks to be you!
Jake lets go of Phil, who just stands there. Ruby's brow furrows as he goes deep into thought.
Jake: What else can I talk about ... hmmm. I need to rant and rave for as long as Lively did. Hmmm. Right! I got it. You criticized me, Michael, for being a born and raised potato farmer. Your whole speech was loaded with anti-potato rhetoric - the type of anti-potato rhetoric that hurts the troops and hurts America. You should get behind the President, the war, and potatoes, otherwise, get over the border to maple-loving Canada or taco-friendly Mexico. There is nothing wrong with being a potato farmer. It's a noble profession. You couldn't cut it as a potato farmer. You couldn't handle picking potatoes for just $50 an hour. You can't do it my friend. In Idaho, we have a work ethic. And what the heck does being a potato farmer even have to do with our match!? As if having picked potatoes some how destroys any in-ring skills I might have. Well, you know what? Potatoes are better than you, and they are better than me. They are better than anyone. They can survive nuclear explosions! Look it up - you'll see I'm right. So don't you be criticizing potatoes when you don't have something to say about our match. Leave the poor potatoes out of it - they aren't some child to fight custody over. Not in your sick and twisted world. You make me sick, potatophobe.
Jake stands up, indignant, and walks off camera shot, leaving Phil bewildered and confused.
The camera fades away from its hot opening to a blank screen, followed by a shot of the monkeys of Borneo eating food. Look at the happy monkeys with their fruit, their grass, their trees. Now one of the monkeys has a knife! Another monkey pulls a blade out and it's on! Monkey knife fight! The rest of the clan form a ring as the two knife-wielding monkeys circle around. As they get closer, they begin to test one another's nerves with restrained jabs. Suddenly, one of them lunges for the other, flying through the air with the grace of ... well ... a monkey. The other ducks, and tries to swipe at the flying monkey, but misses. A barrel-roll later and they are circling again. They stare off: Intent monkey eyes boring holes into their deadly opponent. The observing monkeys continue to cheer and hoot, banging the ground and their chests in excitement. With tremendous speed one of the monkeys fakes a left, darts right, and gets close enough to strike. The other monkey grabs the wrist of the attacking monkey. Their is a struggle, and they are all tied up, grappling for the upper hand. One of the two monkeys is stronger and pushes the other to the ground. Slowly he forces his knife closer to his opponent's neck. Closer. Closer.
Now surely a monkey knife fight was more entertaining than a fake talk with God? Right? It's a freaking monkey knife fight for crying out loud! Monkey ... knife ... fight! And besides, it was good filler. Doesn't anyone else get sick of reading over-extended descriptions of what characters are doing for five hours a day? Actions are boring - speech is entertaining. And so too are monkey knife fights.
The camera then cuts to a shot of interviewer Phil (last name unknown) and Jake Ruby, the E-Starr himself.
Phil: At this time, I'd like to introduce our interviewee for the night: Jake Ruby. Jake, you have a match at Test for the Best for the Overdrive title. Blah blah blah, I'm talking about stuff the readers already know ... what are your thoughts?
Jake: First, Phil, thanks for having me. Second, I want to dedicate my match. My match, at Test for the Best, will be dedicated to all the viewers out there who want to be exactly like me - a successful man on television. A man who has grown up and moved on with his life. My match should be an inspiration for all those people who want to go and do something. The very fact that you'll be watching my match is case and point proof that I am inspiring people to do something - I've inspired you to watch T.V.. A noble effort at making something of your life. Noble for you people perhaps, but not for me. You could never be as good as me, so watching T.V. is about as close to greatness as you can get.
Phil: Ok. That's rather strange. Do you want to move on, or do you want to talk about your match some more? I'm sure that you already have something in mind to write about ... sorry, I mean talk about.
Jake: We'll talk about my match some more because I'm in the match of the night! Seriously, look at what the rest of the show has to offer. A whole bunch of blow-ins from some place that no one knows about, no one cares about, and no one even remembers. It's like the WCW all over again - just getting in all those big names to try and make something of the company. It's like TNA is now. The stars of the future are just being left to the side. But Michael Lively and Jake Ruby, we have a chance to actually show the audience what young, prime wrestlers can do. Lively might not exactly have the same experience as me - 15 years experience, 1457 titles - but I'm sure he'll put up one heck of a fight. And when people think back to Test for the Best, they will remember the title match that means something - and the title change that means more. That match is my match, and that title change is when I become Overdrive Champion.
Phil: Why will it mean something when you're Overdrive champion Jake?
Jake: Because then I'll be the only champion who doesn't have something to do with a dead company! No one is going to think about that main event that was full of people from some company called WWC. And look at the other title matches - the Xtreme Champion is from that company and the Tag Team Champions are as well. By the end of the night, I could be the only APW-bred champion. I could be the only wrestler who is a native to APW to be holding a championship. I could, really, be the face of APW. I could be APW. Yes, that's it exactly - by the close of Test for the Best, Jake Ruby will be APW. I will be APW. Oh yes, I will be. It will be my first step to company domination, and my expelling of all the old codgers from this organization. But the first thing I'm going to have to do is get rid of all the cronie-ism. I'm sure that the reason I didn't win the Xtreme Championship all those weeks ago was because I wasn't "in" with the "hip". That Tony Blackwell went into Sabotage a champion. But more to the point, he went into Sabotage as an ex-WWC wrestler. I didn't, and look what happened - I got set on fire! I'm sure there's some way all that was rigged. I even tainted the water of the city! Everyone else should have been breathing fumes. But no, I got done like dinner. Cooked well done. Well, none of that is going to happen this time - it's going to be a clean and fair fight between Michael and I. I have respect for the guy.
Phil: You respect Michael Lively?
Jake: Did I say that? Sorry, I meant to say that I hate the guy. Loathe him. He's a chump. He makes a mockery out everything this business is about. Here you have a guy that pretends he is a deity or something, and that he speaks to God! What is he on about!? Take a look at me: I'm a stalwart member of this company. No silly gimmick, no silly antics. Jake Ruby is all serious - I have to be. You can't not be serious and win 1457 titles. The e-fedding world is a serious place. You take the writing seriously, you take the matches seriously, and you take your opponents seriously. If you want to be as good as me, you have to take even the details seriously - your layout, your banner, even the font. You take it all seriously! That's why I'm so great in the e-fedding world - and why I will be even greater in this real world of wrestling.
Michael Lively doesn't take any of this serious enough. He drags his mother around with him. I wouldn't have much of a problem with that if she called the next day. Well, news flash guys: She doesn't. And it hurts. So she can go to hell along with her son, because that's exactly where they're headed after their mockery of God.
Phil: I know how you feel friend.
Jake and Phil exchange a knowing look of emotional pain. Was it so hard for Ms. Lively to call the next day? Even if it was a one-time thing, Jake would have at least liked to have known. It's not fair to get a guy's hopes up, only to squash them with the heel of her shoe. Anyway, getting back to the promo.
Jake: I have something to say to Michael: E-Feds exist. How can they not? I never said that the title was imaginary - it's real. Just like every one of my other titles. I have this book ... *Jake reaches down beside his chair, pulling up a scrapbook, looking worse for wear* .. and it shows each of the titles I have ever won. *Jake opens up the book, and shows the camera the printed pictures of titles, writing beside them, looking much like the efforts of a 5 year old* You can't tell me these don't exist! I have evidence. Documented evidence. Look ... *Jake turns the book to himself, taking note of a page* 'RCW Title, won 15/11/2002. Defeated "Raging Bull" Pauly Jones in Cage in a Cell in Alcatraz match'. You should have seen that match - seriously, we were in Alcatraz, in a cell, in a cage. It was one of the best written hardcore matches I've ever seen.
Phil: I'm sorry to even ask this Jake, but why does it matter? Why does all your past matter?
Jake: Well, if a single singles win over Kenny Lombadro was worth mentioning, then surely my records are just as valid? When I first hear Michael pat himself on the back, about how he had the only singles victory over Lombardo, I thought "Wow, impressive. Perhaps he'd like to hear about my own history to." If he thinks his past is valid, then mine is even more. And I would love to go through more of this baby *Jake pats the book after closing it* but I have to save some for the DVD. But go and check out more of my e-fedding history Michael. You've done it already. Maybe you'll get a little scared, maybe find some things that are little frightening, when you do. Maybe you'll find out what sort of a fight you're in for at Test for the Best.
Phil: Well, this has been a great interview Jake. Thank-you for your time.
Phil stands to leave, but Jake grabs his arm.
Jake: Wait. Get back here. I'm not done. You see, to even get a comparable length promo, I'm going to have to talk for a full two hours. So ... he call me Doc Holliday didn't he? He won at the OK Corral! With Wyatt Earp and his brothers. He shot a whole bunch of people up and lived to tell the tale. In fact, if my memory serves me correctly, he went on to kill Johnny Ringo in the last 10 minutes of the movie after faking being too sick with TB to trick Wyatt. Man that film was good. Kurt Russel and Val Kilmer nailed their roles. And Billy the Kid wasn't there. So I guess it shows how much you Michael. And in my world, the e-fedding world, if you don't know who was fighting in the reference you brought up, then you obviously don't know anything about movies, wrestling, or life. It's logical, just think about it. You didn't know who was fighting at the OK Corral ... there was fighting at the OK Corral ... wrestling is like fighting ... wrestling is life ... thus you don't know anything about anything! Sucks to be you!
Jake lets go of Phil, who just stands there. Ruby's brow furrows as he goes deep into thought.
Jake: What else can I talk about ... hmmm. I need to rant and rave for as long as Lively did. Hmmm. Right! I got it. You criticized me, Michael, for being a born and raised potato farmer. Your whole speech was loaded with anti-potato rhetoric - the type of anti-potato rhetoric that hurts the troops and hurts America. You should get behind the President, the war, and potatoes, otherwise, get over the border to maple-loving Canada or taco-friendly Mexico. There is nothing wrong with being a potato farmer. It's a noble profession. You couldn't cut it as a potato farmer. You couldn't handle picking potatoes for just $50 an hour. You can't do it my friend. In Idaho, we have a work ethic. And what the heck does being a potato farmer even have to do with our match!? As if having picked potatoes some how destroys any in-ring skills I might have. Well, you know what? Potatoes are better than you, and they are better than me. They are better than anyone. They can survive nuclear explosions! Look it up - you'll see I'm right. So don't you be criticizing potatoes when you don't have something to say about our match. Leave the poor potatoes out of it - they aren't some child to fight custody over. Not in your sick and twisted world. You make me sick, potatophobe.
Jake stands up, indignant, and walks off camera shot, leaving Phil bewildered and confused.
