My First Roleplay

[goodburn]

apwprez.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=meltdownrp&action=display&thread=10333&page=1

Here is my first actual roleplay. I hope my roleplays will become longer as I develop my character more. But I would love to get some advice on how to make Kyle Goodburn more of a character, or anything else.

Thank you

[yarmouth1]

Hi mate, Feed back as i promised, It was a very good get to know you Role play if you know what I mean, but like others said to me there needs to more trash talk towards your opponent if you have one.

But again very good start.

[goodburn]

Thank you very much I'm glad that my main goal was accomplished, that was to introduce my character the way I wanted to.

[Kurt]

"I Know Who He Is" Critique

Let me first make the point that if is the first roleplay you've ever written, you are at a very strong starting point. I wrote my first RP six years ago, and it was 10 lines long with about 6 of those being dialogue, ha.

I like the narrative style you use. I'm typically more of a fan of third person narration over first person, but traditionally e-fedders use their wrestler characters as the narrator, so you've got a less-than-common approach here that will help you stand out.

I do think you have a bit of comma over-usage. While I'm not seeing many grammatically incorrect sentences, there are several sentences that could be broken up into two sentences or benefit from a semi-colon. Here's an example of one:

"Whenever you have had the opportunity, you were there with me, doing what you believe is every father’s responsibility to do, Supporting their offspring."

Sentences like this have a bit of a dragging feeling, and could be remedied by just changing the syntax slightly:

"Whenever you have had the opportunity, you were there with me. You were doing what you believe is every father’s responsibility to do: supporting their offspring."

You'll avoid that stagnant feeling by just switching up your punctuation occasionally. This isn't a major problem, but is significant enough to gain attention.

I get a real sense of manipulation from your RPs, which is a really positive note. I like the genius/prodigy vs. Dad relationship you've built.

There wasn't really any match relevance at all, but perhaps there's a reason behind it that I didn't see (opponent was obviously going to no-show, they had none, etc.). I'll be interested to see how you handle a real match environment.

If you would like suggestions on how to develop Kyle as a character, one way to do so is putting Kyle in wrestling related situations and seeing his reactions. He's facing a veteran? What's he think about it? He's being denied a title shot? He's frustrated that his pace to move up is slow? Changing the context in which you present Kyle will give you plenty of situations in which to develop him.

Overall, felt it was a pretty solid effort. Good narration, well written, and established a fundamental relationship. Great start for a first RP!

[goodburn]

Thank you very much for your feedback Jason, I used every bit of advice in my newest roleplay, and I hope it shows.

I also used everyone else's feedback too, included quite a lot of trash talking, which I hope you enjoy. I am a jerk at heart, so it came to me quite easily. If you would like to read my most recent roleplay, here it is.

apwprez.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=meltdownrp&thread=10429

[Lord Raab]

Since it's only fair you gave me feedback. I will return you one and that goes to all of you if you feed on my RP then I will reply back. I really like the trash talking bro and I also loved how much you actually read my Stefan RP's and said everything that your character needed to say. I think you have this win in the bag man.

[The Soul Of Philly]

I love the style of your RPs, from a third parties' point of view rather than fist person or a regular narrative.

I loved that you took everything Raab had said and responded to it in your way. My favorite part was the Oh the humanity bit, it pokes at Raab in several lights for hating americans and that he's german so you said it in german.

It was a great read and I'm beginning to enjoy reading your roleplays