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Post by yarmouth1 on May 27, 2012 11:46:25 GMT -4
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Post by Michael Callahan on May 27, 2012 11:54:42 GMT -4
Hi gay's, any chance of my feed back from my last Role play. What now? |
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Post by yarmouth1 on May 27, 2012 12:07:54 GMT -4
opps sorry, Rectified it bud.
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Post by The Soul Of Philly on May 27, 2012 13:16:56 GMT -4
I have two windows up next each other so heres what I got as I go:
- Someone! Someone! Also, wall fall? Right off the bat, proofread your work.
- What's a 38 flat screen?
- I dunno why, but you have a lot of one words split into to: Download, someone are the first two I see.
- "Yarmouth down loads the file, It takes a few seconds then picks up his bottle of beer and takes his phone with him to his TV in the Hotel room, Yarmouth connects the phone a USB be lead and connects it to the TV and switches the play button on his phone sits down on the edge of the bed and takes a swig of his beer.
The video message contains the Role play of Even Envi the new North American Champion."
There is a lot to this that i personally don't find all that well. For starters, there is the severe lack of words in that first part. "It takes a few seconds and then picks up his bottle..." the phone has hands to pick up a bottle? Define who does what in a sentence. "Yarmouth connects the phone a USB be lead and connects it to the TV and switches the play button on his phone sits down...." Again, WORDS! WORDS! WORDS! I really don't even know what you mean by "USB be lead" also, "switches the play.....his phone sits down..." This is a magic phone because it has hands to drink beer and can sit down.
ALSO DON'T USE THE WORD ROLEPLAY! It's a promo. A video, try to keep a veil of kayfabe in your promo. That is a big pet peeve of mine.
- I liked how you used Evan's amazon line against him, although, "The gold state of Auburn, Alabama." I think you meant good, city of Auburn because Auburn is a city in Alabama.
- manoeuvre and struggerling Proofread. Also, "What I did to you the other day." Specify what day that was. Don't make last Meltdown meant nothing to Yarmouth by making it be just another day. "What I did to you last week on Meltdown, a day after you beat me when I had already gone through hell! Imagine what I'm going to do to you monday!" Also, puncuation is a good thing too, "struggerling to breath, aren't you?"
- Evan you say your gonna expose me do you cos of Royce, well young fella I have some news for you buddy, I have kicked him to the curbed. = Another sentence that made little sense, "expose me do you cos of Royce" I really don't know what that means at all.
- I like that you made your match important by bringing up the main event. By bringing them up and saying that your match is the main event of the night, not their's, is good. I wouldn't have gone as far as say they're fill ins, but I would have said that your match is going to steal the show and everyone is going to walk out talking about the match and talking about how Yarmouth beat Evan Envi for the North American Title.
Overall, it wasn't bad despite the amount of negative things I brought up, but they are all simple things you can fix. Just by proof reading and being a bit more descriptive in your narrative.
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Post by yarmouth1 on May 27, 2012 13:33:53 GMT -4
Thanks for the advice thecole, will try to put them into practice on my next Promo, some one did tell me to put in as much detail as i can like describing your surroundings and thought i did just that but as good as I thought. Thanks again for your feed back mate.  |
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