|
|
Post by Lord Raab on May 27, 2012 14:23:05 GMT -4
|
|
|
|
Post by goodburn on May 27, 2012 22:08:35 GMT -4
Well, seeing as I am facing you this week, I did read your roleplay. I hope you don't take the things I say in my roleplay as real advice, that was Goodburn talking  I enjoyed the extra descriptions, although I would recomend speaking out loud what you are writing, because there are some flowing issues on both the dialogue, and descriptions. Personally, when I read what I write out loud, I catch TONS of flowing issues, and I'm able to catch them right away. One other thing, don't go too big on roleplaying. The attack o nthe pedastrian was a bit much. if I saw that on TV, right away I would know it wasn't real, which just makes it cheesey. The smashing of the CD was good, but the attack wasn't. Burning the American flag is a good idea, it's realistic, but when real people get involved, it makes it less believable. The dialogue Stefan does is classic, the more he talks, the better. He has a strong personality. He is dramatic, angry, just a pissed off man which is fun to watch (read). So more of him is strongly encouraged. |
|
|
|
Post by Lord Raab on May 27, 2012 22:58:13 GMT -4
Thanks man. Yeah it's only recently that I am still working on this kind of style of more action less talking sort of thing but yeah I will take in what you say. It's the sort of direction that I been wanting to do for a while as I didn't want to go full onto the real thing he does in real life cos it's not being that creative. I know what you mean that my writing is a bit messy and it always has been but the problem was last night my monitor was playing up so of course I couldn't double check everything and also the fact I don't have word processor either as my computer is really slow as it is but really thanks for the help. I returned the favour of giving you feedback. Same goes to everyone else as well if I get a reply on feedback on my RP's then I will reply to your latest ones.
|
|
|
|
Post by The Soul Of Philly on May 28, 2012 13:08:34 GMT -4
Not bad. I enjoyed reading it. I never liked the voices in the head schtick personally as the narrative is a third person so it seems, I dunno the word for it right now, but its just weird as I'm reading, "Stefan is on his bike listen to music" and the next thing I read is inside of Stefan's head. If it were a first person narrative I could understand it better.
I feel you could have said more on the subject of your match. When I write, I try to answer the questions, Who? When? Where? What? and Why? Who are you facing, when are you facing them, where are you facing them, what the match means to you and why you are going win. You got the who, when, and why. The what would have been a great addition to the match, as Kyle wrote in his, the match is going to be a reason that he gets noticed further. Have Stefan vocalize that he wants to be the big star in APW, but in a way that makes him stand out from the rest because everyone wants to be the top dog.
As Goodburn said, try reading stuff out loud as there are some points that just kinda jump around and don't flow together.
I also like the acknowledgement that your character knows he's not going to be liked for his recent actions, too often to I see people do something and make their character oblivious to what they did.
Twas a solid read and I will read the next one.
|
|
|
|
Post by Lord Raab on May 28, 2012 15:11:41 GMT -4
Thanks dude. I will feedback on your latest RP in return like I promised.
|
|
