Post by Jules on Jun 13, 2012 11:47:21 GMT -4
The scene opens on our Quintessentially English hero in his hotel room during a vital and urgent telephone conversation.
JF: You tell that overgrown talking maggot that-
Julius is interrupted by the other person.
JF: You are the one being rude, you imbecile! Do you know who I am?
There is more chat from the other end.
JF: Well I say! You scandalous vessel of vermin excrement! I demand to speak to Manservant right now.
Pause.
JF: What do you mean, Dr. Weazel won’t allow it. I am Julius Farq-
Julius is seemingly cut off at the other end.
JF: Well, this is an outrage-Hello, are you there? Hello! Hello! The villain hung up on me.
Julius slams down the phone, and instantaneously there is a knock at the door. He calls out for the person to enter and in walks APW Reporter Phil – that’s right, he’s just Phil – carrying what looks a bound dossier.
JF: Did you get it?
P: It’s all there, but I need to have it returned by tomorrow morning. I could get in a lot of trouble if they found out I took personnel files out of the office.
JF: It will be fine, drop my name, the clerk will be putty in your hands.
Phil knew name-dropping Julius would probably have the opposite effect, especially if Reginald Schmidt got wind of it.
JF: By the way, the kettle has recently boiled.
Phil knew this was his que to prepare Julius a pot of tea. There were times when he remembered interviewing all the stars of APW, now he was left to run errands and make tea for this pompous English jerkoff. But it was a guaranteed exclusive whenever Julius had something to say to the world of APW, so he wasn’t about to complain.
JF: So what is in this?
P: It’s a complete file on Bailey, everything Personnel know about the guy.
JF: Does it contain his rap sheet?
Phil’s eyes widended; Julius’ ravings about the English Empire could be taken as inflammatory, so he was worried this sort of ground may be covered.
P: What do you mean?
JF: His rap sheet, that is what you Americans call a criminal record, correct?
P: Yes, but why would Anthony Bailey have a rap sheet?
JF: Well just look at him.
Phil gulped, he knew he was on some pretty dodgy ground here.
P: Um, Jules, I’m not sure I feel comfortable with this kind of talk.
JF: What in the blue blazes do you mean?
P: Well, you saying Anthony Bailey is a criminal.
JF: Well he is.
P: But you can’t say things like that, just because he’s bl-
JF: Why not, I see him committing crimes against wrestling every single day of his existence. They do prosecute that in this country, correct?
Phil breathed an awkward sigh of relief and thought to himself it was a good job they didn’t prosecute bad taste.
P: No, I don’t think they do prosecute for that.
JF: Well they should; that man is a disgrace to the profession.
P: I think that’s a bit harsh.
JF: I am not asking you to think you buffoon, you are here to do what I tell you to do. Now where is my tea?
P: Yes Sir!
Phil scuttled off to finish off Julius’ tea, having done, and made himself a coffee, sat down in a chair and switched on his pocket Dictaphone.
P: But you don’t really believe all that? I mean, Anthony Bailey has become one of Asylum’s most exciting and freshest new stars; he’s gone from rookie to champion in less than six months, and many people see him as the natural #1 contender. I’ve even heard Sally Talfourd is impressed.
JF: Who?
P: Sally Talfourd, you know-
JF: I do not know this person. I seemed to remember a wrestler by that name but she stopped existing in my book when she lost to some petty politician.
P: Well, it’s interesting that you bring him up because it just adds to my point – many think if he hadn’t intervened then Bailey would now be the World Champion.
Julius stops to think that over.
JF: I had not considered it that way. You have just given me a new reason to loathe that baby-kisser. If it was not for him I would be winning the World Heavyweight Title on Sunday.
P: Well that isn’t strictly true.
JF: Why not? It is simple logic.
Phil rolled his eyes, he knew that was one he wouldn’t and couldn’t win. Some arguments quite simply abandon all principles of rationality and are best left alone. In fact, much of what the world’s only “Quintessentially English” wrestler had to say fell into that category – according to Phil’s humble opinion. Instead he decided to try and get on with the interview.
P: So, what would you say to someone who makes the case for Anthony Bailey?
JF: I would say they are an idiot. I know what Anthony Bailey has ‘achieved’ since he came to APW, but I also know he has been given a lot of hand-outs by Reginald Schmidt. I know you Americans do not believe in a welfare estate, but certainly the way Asylum is being run I would have to disagree. For my part I believe resources should only be given to the best people, and that is usually determined by blood. Now since I am the only “Quintessentially English” wrestler in APW it stands to reason that I have genetically superior to everybody, therefore any resources should be distributed first to me, then when I am done the rest can fight over the scraps for my sport.
P: That is an insidious thought Julius.
JF: Truth always sounds like lies to a sinner, Phil. The truth of the matter is that ever since I came to Asylum everyone has received opportunities except me. Believe me if Reginald Schmidt had not stacked the cards against me so scandalously I would have achieved triple what Bailey, Callahan, Dunghole, and Knuckle-dragger have. I have been here six months and this is my first title shot – that’s a fact. All those abject specimens of humanity I just mentioned have been given chance after chance after chance.
P: Great! Another conspiracy theory from a disenchanted wrestler. Have you considered that your lack of success has been due to your own efforts, or lack thereof?
JF: Of course not! Why would I contemplate a proposition that is absent of any truth? I am the best wrestler in this company and I am the highest example of humanity in this God-forsaken land. If I do not have every title around my waist it is because there are people taking deliberate steps to deny me. I demanded a World Title shot the moment I walked in the door, and ever since I have had to watch others less deserving hog the main events, while I have been fed crap like Phil Atken and Manservant. I am not running a waste disposal business here, although I am sure my wrestling career will be described in that way when I have disposed of every piece of filth that is polluting this business.
P: What are you going to do if Bailey does beat you on Sunday?
JF: I have already told you I am not concerned with the impossible. I will beat Anthony Bailey on Sunday and I will give you the very reason why.
P: Please do; let’s have some purpose to this promo.
JF: When you were making my tea I found this line in Bailey’s dossier; it is a self-description of sorts.
“A courageous young rookie who stands for morality and the betterment of society.”
Phil nods, his assessment being that it is not unreasonable.
JF: What are you nodding along at? This is as vile a lie as I ever born witness to in my life. Let us take this piece by piece. First of all Bailey declares that he is courageous – well this is the biggest lie since Phil Atken stepped into the ring pretending to be a contender. I see nothing courageous about Anthony Bailey; instead I see a spineless coward, yella belly I believe is your vulgar expression, who runs away from what he really is.
P: What is he really?
JF: He is an angry little boy motivated by self-hatred. I can see it pouring out him – the anger and the resentment. But he adopts this holier-than-thou attitude to mask this. The truth is Bailey hates himself because he knows that the world hates his kind.
Phil’s jaw drops.
JF: I know that sometimes we get dealt a hand of cards we did not want, and it’s easy for someone like me to say that because I am “Quintessentially English”, therefore I am elevated above people like Anthony Bailey. Some people are born pigs, and some people are born eagles. Most people think pigs should be pigs, but I don’t see anything wrong with a pig wanting to be an eagle, even if it will always be a pig.
Phil looks on confused.
P: What are you rambling on about? What has this got to do with anything?
JF: It has everything to do with, er, everything. I am talking about Anthony Bailey here – the man who is ashamed of who he is.
P: And you’re saying he is a pig?
JF: Exactly. His kind are a bunch of pigs.
P: His kind?
JF: Yes.
P: I don’t like that insinuation.
JF: It is not an insinuation – it is a statement of fact. Anthony Bailey is an American pig, just like you are Phil, and he is ashamed of that fact, but instead tries to make himself look like an honourable pig – and that is just stupid.
P: That’s what’s stupid?
JF: Yes. But, Bailey should take my advice – stop being angry about who you are. Okay, it means you have to accept that you were born inferior to somebody like me, but stopping thinking you can be a good American, instead strive to be like me. Well, you can never be like me because I am truly “Quintessentially English”, therefore I am pure, but you could at least aspire to imitate my ways. I would respect you a lot more for that, and I am sure it will help you to respect yourself a lot more too.
Phil shakes his head; he’s had some terrible interviews with Farquhar, but this may now be the prime candidate for the worst rambling he’s ever heard.
P: I think you’re losing the plot, Jules.
JF: I am the light and the way, old boy, no-one gets to the Tea except through me.
Phil buries his head in his hands.
JF: Next point: Bailey thinks he stands for morality and the betterment of society. Well he is a living lie if he ever uttered those words from his mouth. Let me tell you something, Anthony, things like morality are not God-given, God gives savage people like your kind noble men like me to set down the rules. In case you have not noticed yet, I am of aristocratic breed. I do not speak Greek, and I would not like one if I knew a Greek, but those old philosophers derived the word good from the world noble, which stands for aristocrat. As the only “Quintessentially English” wrestler in APW I am lay down the values in this company, and I say the right thing to do is for me to come to Arizona on Sunday and give you a thrashing of a lifetime. I will break you in sonny, and beat you down to your knees so that you are forced to PAY HOMAGE.
JF: You want to know what the betterment of society means? It means the “Quintessentially English” reigning supreme; that begins with me taking the TAP OUT TITLE from you, and when that is done and you realise I am better than you, maybe then you will see the light and have found the only true path to follow.
Julius takes a pause for emphasis.
JF: My path. The “Quintessentially English” path. The Empire is coming, Anthony, and you are its next conquest.
JF: You tell that overgrown talking maggot that-
Julius is interrupted by the other person.
JF: You are the one being rude, you imbecile! Do you know who I am?
There is more chat from the other end.
JF: Well I say! You scandalous vessel of vermin excrement! I demand to speak to Manservant right now.
Pause.
JF: What do you mean, Dr. Weazel won’t allow it. I am Julius Farq-
Julius is seemingly cut off at the other end.
JF: Well, this is an outrage-Hello, are you there? Hello! Hello! The villain hung up on me.
Julius slams down the phone, and instantaneously there is a knock at the door. He calls out for the person to enter and in walks APW Reporter Phil – that’s right, he’s just Phil – carrying what looks a bound dossier.
JF: Did you get it?
P: It’s all there, but I need to have it returned by tomorrow morning. I could get in a lot of trouble if they found out I took personnel files out of the office.
JF: It will be fine, drop my name, the clerk will be putty in your hands.
Phil knew name-dropping Julius would probably have the opposite effect, especially if Reginald Schmidt got wind of it.
JF: By the way, the kettle has recently boiled.
Phil knew this was his que to prepare Julius a pot of tea. There were times when he remembered interviewing all the stars of APW, now he was left to run errands and make tea for this pompous English jerkoff. But it was a guaranteed exclusive whenever Julius had something to say to the world of APW, so he wasn’t about to complain.
JF: So what is in this?
P: It’s a complete file on Bailey, everything Personnel know about the guy.
JF: Does it contain his rap sheet?
Phil’s eyes widended; Julius’ ravings about the English Empire could be taken as inflammatory, so he was worried this sort of ground may be covered.
P: What do you mean?
JF: His rap sheet, that is what you Americans call a criminal record, correct?
P: Yes, but why would Anthony Bailey have a rap sheet?
JF: Well just look at him.
Phil gulped, he knew he was on some pretty dodgy ground here.
P: Um, Jules, I’m not sure I feel comfortable with this kind of talk.
JF: What in the blue blazes do you mean?
P: Well, you saying Anthony Bailey is a criminal.
JF: Well he is.
P: But you can’t say things like that, just because he’s bl-
JF: Why not, I see him committing crimes against wrestling every single day of his existence. They do prosecute that in this country, correct?
Phil breathed an awkward sigh of relief and thought to himself it was a good job they didn’t prosecute bad taste.
P: No, I don’t think they do prosecute for that.
JF: Well they should; that man is a disgrace to the profession.
P: I think that’s a bit harsh.
JF: I am not asking you to think you buffoon, you are here to do what I tell you to do. Now where is my tea?
P: Yes Sir!
Phil scuttled off to finish off Julius’ tea, having done, and made himself a coffee, sat down in a chair and switched on his pocket Dictaphone.
P: But you don’t really believe all that? I mean, Anthony Bailey has become one of Asylum’s most exciting and freshest new stars; he’s gone from rookie to champion in less than six months, and many people see him as the natural #1 contender. I’ve even heard Sally Talfourd is impressed.
JF: Who?
P: Sally Talfourd, you know-
JF: I do not know this person. I seemed to remember a wrestler by that name but she stopped existing in my book when she lost to some petty politician.
P: Well, it’s interesting that you bring him up because it just adds to my point – many think if he hadn’t intervened then Bailey would now be the World Champion.
Julius stops to think that over.
JF: I had not considered it that way. You have just given me a new reason to loathe that baby-kisser. If it was not for him I would be winning the World Heavyweight Title on Sunday.
P: Well that isn’t strictly true.
JF: Why not? It is simple logic.
Phil rolled his eyes, he knew that was one he wouldn’t and couldn’t win. Some arguments quite simply abandon all principles of rationality and are best left alone. In fact, much of what the world’s only “Quintessentially English” wrestler had to say fell into that category – according to Phil’s humble opinion. Instead he decided to try and get on with the interview.
P: So, what would you say to someone who makes the case for Anthony Bailey?
JF: I would say they are an idiot. I know what Anthony Bailey has ‘achieved’ since he came to APW, but I also know he has been given a lot of hand-outs by Reginald Schmidt. I know you Americans do not believe in a welfare estate, but certainly the way Asylum is being run I would have to disagree. For my part I believe resources should only be given to the best people, and that is usually determined by blood. Now since I am the only “Quintessentially English” wrestler in APW it stands to reason that I have genetically superior to everybody, therefore any resources should be distributed first to me, then when I am done the rest can fight over the scraps for my sport.
P: That is an insidious thought Julius.
JF: Truth always sounds like lies to a sinner, Phil. The truth of the matter is that ever since I came to Asylum everyone has received opportunities except me. Believe me if Reginald Schmidt had not stacked the cards against me so scandalously I would have achieved triple what Bailey, Callahan, Dunghole, and Knuckle-dragger have. I have been here six months and this is my first title shot – that’s a fact. All those abject specimens of humanity I just mentioned have been given chance after chance after chance.
P: Great! Another conspiracy theory from a disenchanted wrestler. Have you considered that your lack of success has been due to your own efforts, or lack thereof?
JF: Of course not! Why would I contemplate a proposition that is absent of any truth? I am the best wrestler in this company and I am the highest example of humanity in this God-forsaken land. If I do not have every title around my waist it is because there are people taking deliberate steps to deny me. I demanded a World Title shot the moment I walked in the door, and ever since I have had to watch others less deserving hog the main events, while I have been fed crap like Phil Atken and Manservant. I am not running a waste disposal business here, although I am sure my wrestling career will be described in that way when I have disposed of every piece of filth that is polluting this business.
P: What are you going to do if Bailey does beat you on Sunday?
JF: I have already told you I am not concerned with the impossible. I will beat Anthony Bailey on Sunday and I will give you the very reason why.
P: Please do; let’s have some purpose to this promo.
JF: When you were making my tea I found this line in Bailey’s dossier; it is a self-description of sorts.
“A courageous young rookie who stands for morality and the betterment of society.”
Phil nods, his assessment being that it is not unreasonable.
JF: What are you nodding along at? This is as vile a lie as I ever born witness to in my life. Let us take this piece by piece. First of all Bailey declares that he is courageous – well this is the biggest lie since Phil Atken stepped into the ring pretending to be a contender. I see nothing courageous about Anthony Bailey; instead I see a spineless coward, yella belly I believe is your vulgar expression, who runs away from what he really is.
P: What is he really?
JF: He is an angry little boy motivated by self-hatred. I can see it pouring out him – the anger and the resentment. But he adopts this holier-than-thou attitude to mask this. The truth is Bailey hates himself because he knows that the world hates his kind.
Phil’s jaw drops.
JF: I know that sometimes we get dealt a hand of cards we did not want, and it’s easy for someone like me to say that because I am “Quintessentially English”, therefore I am elevated above people like Anthony Bailey. Some people are born pigs, and some people are born eagles. Most people think pigs should be pigs, but I don’t see anything wrong with a pig wanting to be an eagle, even if it will always be a pig.
Phil looks on confused.
P: What are you rambling on about? What has this got to do with anything?
JF: It has everything to do with, er, everything. I am talking about Anthony Bailey here – the man who is ashamed of who he is.
P: And you’re saying he is a pig?
JF: Exactly. His kind are a bunch of pigs.
P: His kind?
JF: Yes.
P: I don’t like that insinuation.
JF: It is not an insinuation – it is a statement of fact. Anthony Bailey is an American pig, just like you are Phil, and he is ashamed of that fact, but instead tries to make himself look like an honourable pig – and that is just stupid.
P: That’s what’s stupid?
JF: Yes. But, Bailey should take my advice – stop being angry about who you are. Okay, it means you have to accept that you were born inferior to somebody like me, but stopping thinking you can be a good American, instead strive to be like me. Well, you can never be like me because I am truly “Quintessentially English”, therefore I am pure, but you could at least aspire to imitate my ways. I would respect you a lot more for that, and I am sure it will help you to respect yourself a lot more too.
Phil shakes his head; he’s had some terrible interviews with Farquhar, but this may now be the prime candidate for the worst rambling he’s ever heard.
P: I think you’re losing the plot, Jules.
JF: I am the light and the way, old boy, no-one gets to the Tea except through me.
Phil buries his head in his hands.
JF: Next point: Bailey thinks he stands for morality and the betterment of society. Well he is a living lie if he ever uttered those words from his mouth. Let me tell you something, Anthony, things like morality are not God-given, God gives savage people like your kind noble men like me to set down the rules. In case you have not noticed yet, I am of aristocratic breed. I do not speak Greek, and I would not like one if I knew a Greek, but those old philosophers derived the word good from the world noble, which stands for aristocrat. As the only “Quintessentially English” wrestler in APW I am lay down the values in this company, and I say the right thing to do is for me to come to Arizona on Sunday and give you a thrashing of a lifetime. I will break you in sonny, and beat you down to your knees so that you are forced to PAY HOMAGE.
JF: You want to know what the betterment of society means? It means the “Quintessentially English” reigning supreme; that begins with me taking the TAP OUT TITLE from you, and when that is done and you realise I am better than you, maybe then you will see the light and have found the only true path to follow.
Julius takes a pause for emphasis.
JF: My path. The “Quintessentially English” path. The Empire is coming, Anthony, and you are its next conquest.
