Post by Michael Callahan on Jun 16, 2012 13:31:35 GMT -4
KAKADURA! WATANABE! HASYODAAAAIIIIII! SAHIMA-HAIIIIIIII![/B]
The gutteral, oriental screamings of one Michael Callahan fill the room of his brand new, reconstructed home office as we join him once again for another of his weekly escapades. Accompanied by his two best pal friends Mr. Steve Fukuyama and Ms. Vikki Lahm as Callahan watches a video on a projector, the source of the yelling is abundant. Callahan on screen is nothing short of absolutely leathered with a rising sun headband wrapped around his head and a far away look in his steely blue, All-American hero eyes. Flashing lights and Japanese characters fly across the screen as Callahan does all manner of bizarre kung fu poses in quite possibly his most racist display ever.
The bemused smirks on his assistants faces while Callahan watches on in mild discomfort is a standard feature of this relationship. With Callahan staring through glazed eyes towards the camera and hence at himself, the Traditional Restoration Initiative logo pops up in front of him accompanied by an uncomfortably long grin. Turning an uncomfortable glance to both his assistants who are as shocked as he is, Callahan's displeasure at the viewing experience is obvious. Sweeping a lock of his lush brown hair to one side, he stands up and stares daggers into the final shot of his unintentionally sinister smile.
Michael Callahan: I don't remember filming any of this. I don't even know what any of that actually means. Did I say all that?
Vikki Lahm: Nope. Voice actors.
Steve Fukuyama: I was the one holding the camera and you weren't the one who said that, you just did that stupid looking face at the end.
Vikki Lahm: You were totally wasted.
Lahm and Fukuyama exchange knowing glances and nods while simultaneously trying to choke back the roaring laughter. Folding his arms defensively, Callahan sighs and shakes his head at them both. He's never been one to take criticism well, especially for his drunken antics.
Michael Callahan: No kidding? Really? Well there's a lesson to be learnt from this, isn't there lady and man?
Steve Fukuyama: What's that?
Michael Callahan: Never under any circumstances must we let Mr. Takagi anywhere near the advertising budget again. This kind of publicity doesn't embody our causes and believes and will only harm us.
Carrying a paper folder stuffed with finance reports, Steve Fukuyama is always one to be the bee in
Steve Fukuyama: Except for the fact that the advert has already paid itself off and then some. Exports to Japan for our t-shirts absolutely sky rocketed over in the Far East. This advert went down a treat. We all know that Japan love their wacky adverts and seeing a drunken American attempt to try and emulate their unique brand of the noble art of commercialisation just worked for them.
Michael Callahan: Wow. That really is something, huh? I wasn't even aware we had a t-shirt. My mind has not been on the externalities of this cause.
It's true. Callahan's attentions had been vastly distracted from just about everything except his wrestling as of late. His loss to Terry Marvin turned him into a focused, driven competitor determined not to get complacent once more and make the same mistakes he did last time.
Vikki Lahm: It's all Chaz's doing. You know what he's like. If he sees dollar signs then he's gonna' make the most of it. He believes in this cause but if he can make a buck or two or maybe even eight hundred thousand dollars in shirt sales then he will.
Michael Callahan: It's kind of sorry to see then that I find that I'm too emotionally invested into this business. I'm too passionate. The slightest knock sends my confidence plummeting and the simplest of wins makes my rainy days. It's a real minimum-maximum, a tour de force of an emotional roller coaster when I put every ounce of my existence into what I do, wrestling.
Vikki Lahm: Have you ever stopped and realised that maybe that's why you're so successful? Because you give it 500% all the time?
Michael pauses and twirls a pen between his fingers with immensely over practised skill. Such is the power of being a Yale graduate. No good pencil pushing yuppie scumbag.
Michael Callahan: When you're so focused though you miss the little things. Missing the little things made me lose to Terry Marvin. Missing the litt-
Vikki Lahm: Terry Marvin being a cheating jerk made you lose to Terry Marvin. You're fine the way you are. You're back on form and you're going to beat Chaz Dillinger to an inch of his life.
Michael Callahan: Because that's a great aspiration isn't it? I've been hearing down the rumour mill that apparently Chaz has been saying all this like I inspire him and I've taught him so much? He forgets that it was actually him who brought me back from the complete brink of a mental breakdown coupled with an indecent exposure charge. Him and Takagi rescued me from abject lunacy and as hard as it's going to be to give my all to a man I'm going to have to make a stand and clobber him.
Fond memories are had of the night when three brave heroes pulled our beloved Michael back from the apocalyptical melting point of his severely damaged mind. That night when Callahan stripped naked in front of a bunch of strangers? He was most definitely teetering precariously over the edge of the point of no return with attempts to dive bomb into a vipers nest of alcohol, sensational celebrity culture and more eye make-up than Hot Topic can shake a stick at.
Vikki Lahm: Who knows, maybe you'll strike out and end up facing someone like Ingram or Peace? Someone that you have no history with would totally destroy the tension between the two of you and that would make for some excellent motivation. Admittedly Chaz would be destroyed by it but, it's all about you right? You're the one who has to win this for you.
Michael Callahan: I agree. I totally agree.
Conversation is cut off by the eerie, shrill buzzing sound of Callahan's chirping executive telephone. It doesn't ring very often but when it does it's either his ex-fiance or some other form of bad news. Anyone he liked hearing from knew to ring him on his cell phone so when it was his office that was getting the call, Callahan's gut reaction is to start panicking. His eyes flash open wide like the deer in the headlights and he glances around the room looking for anyone to attribute the mysterious ringing to. It's no joy though. This isn't a prank orchestrated by Vikki or Steve, this is a real phone call.
Michael Callahan: Who's that calling?
Steve Fukuyama: It's a blocked number, sir.
Callahan can only gulp. If his suspicions are correct then it can only mean one thing and unfortunately, it did. He reluctantly nods his approval to Steve.
Michael Callahan: Patch it through to loudspeaker.
Fukuyama leans over and hit the switch to connect the call. Callahan's barely able to keep the shake out of his voice.
Michael Callahan: Callahan residence. Michael speaking. You're on loud-speaker. How can I help you sir?
Voice: Good afternoon Michael, this is Colby Stark of the Washington Republican Committee. I need to have a word with you.
With one fell swoop of an introduction, the complete complexion of Callahan's office hierarchy drops. The mere mention of the name Colby Stark is enough to bring the room to a deadly stand still. Stark's modest admission that he was a member of the WRC was a vastly inferior description of what he truly was. Colby Stark was a man of immense power, the Washington headhunter with whom the big chiefs all the way up at National correlated with. Any executive decision made was made by Colby and he did so with an iron fist despite his underwhelming, quiet, soft-spoken personality. There was a reason he was like that though and that was because he didn't need to shout to be heard.
Michael Callahan: Of course sir. What do you wish to discuss with me?
Colby Stark: It's about your recent bad publicity Michael, I'm afraid this isn't reflecting too well on the party as a state. You're meant to be an ambassador for the God-fearing, right-wing, zealotic youth of tomorrow and yet you're degrading yourself with that putrid wrestling company and your blasted initiative. Sadly though it's not just embarrassing you, it's reflecting very badly on the party at large and I've been instructed by the upper echelons that is imperative that we remove you from the public limelight.
Michael Callahan: What?! Are you kicking me out?!
Colby Stark: As it stands we can't allow a man who's mental troubles play out as theatrics on national television be the face of our cause. You have our own little trials and tribulations to deal with in your other career as a professional wrestler and the burden upon you to carry out your duties as both has clearly become too much. We're not kicking you out of the party, you're one of the best people we've ever had but with the way these scandals from your wrestling are playing out we can't allow it to let us look bad. Now I know as well as you know that your sex scandal was a bunch of old habberdash but you seem to forget that the public at large are morons and will believe whatever crap you spoon feed them. So for now we're relieving you of your duties and putting you towards the back until you feel you're ready to devote your life to upholding your reputation as ambassador of Washington Young Republicans. Do I make myself clear?
Michael Callahan: Yes sir.
Colby Stark: Thank you for taking it so well Michael. I see good things for you in the future but for now you need to live your life and have the wild fun that you can't have as an official of the people. I wish I'd done as such when I was your age. God bless Michael, you're going to be very important to the future of America son. I can feel it.
The line goes dead as Callahan's jaw sinks in sheer shock, everything sinking in all at once. He just got demoted from the position that he'd trained for his entire life and it was nothing short of gut-wrenching for him. What makes it worse is that Callahan knows that even if he were to give his wrestling up right now he wouldn't get his job back until that bad publicity goes away. Callahan though is never one to bide his time. Pausing in deep concentration.
Michael Callahan: Now I have absolutely no reason not to go all out. May God hath mercy on the soul of whoever is unfortunate enough to face me because I damn sure won't.
Grabbing the rather conveniently placed glimmering implement of destruction that is a snub nosed revolver from his desk and leaving his office hastily with the craziest look in his eye, he makes his way out and slams the door shut behind him leaving two very uneasy assistants in his wake until-
Michael Callahan: I AM THE ONE AND ONLY!
The cacophony of wreckage from the bullet damage echoes throughout the house. Vikki and Steve break into a sprint to go check out what Callahan's no doubt just destroyed as the scene comes to a close. Callahan's freeing up of his own political schedule should mean more time to devote to his secondary calling of wrestling but at what cost? His true mission in life is to get to high office is to feed his never ending narcissistic lust and if his wrestling is afflicting his plight then it might end up causing resentment and even further disillusionment with his legacy as a wrestler. This will be fun.
The gutteral, oriental screamings of one Michael Callahan fill the room of his brand new, reconstructed home office as we join him once again for another of his weekly escapades. Accompanied by his two best pal friends Mr. Steve Fukuyama and Ms. Vikki Lahm as Callahan watches a video on a projector, the source of the yelling is abundant. Callahan on screen is nothing short of absolutely leathered with a rising sun headband wrapped around his head and a far away look in his steely blue, All-American hero eyes. Flashing lights and Japanese characters fly across the screen as Callahan does all manner of bizarre kung fu poses in quite possibly his most racist display ever.
The bemused smirks on his assistants faces while Callahan watches on in mild discomfort is a standard feature of this relationship. With Callahan staring through glazed eyes towards the camera and hence at himself, the Traditional Restoration Initiative logo pops up in front of him accompanied by an uncomfortably long grin. Turning an uncomfortable glance to both his assistants who are as shocked as he is, Callahan's displeasure at the viewing experience is obvious. Sweeping a lock of his lush brown hair to one side, he stands up and stares daggers into the final shot of his unintentionally sinister smile.
Michael Callahan: I don't remember filming any of this. I don't even know what any of that actually means. Did I say all that?
Vikki Lahm: Nope. Voice actors.
Steve Fukuyama: I was the one holding the camera and you weren't the one who said that, you just did that stupid looking face at the end.
Vikki Lahm: You were totally wasted.
Lahm and Fukuyama exchange knowing glances and nods while simultaneously trying to choke back the roaring laughter. Folding his arms defensively, Callahan sighs and shakes his head at them both. He's never been one to take criticism well, especially for his drunken antics.
Michael Callahan: No kidding? Really? Well there's a lesson to be learnt from this, isn't there lady and man?
Steve Fukuyama: What's that?
Michael Callahan: Never under any circumstances must we let Mr. Takagi anywhere near the advertising budget again. This kind of publicity doesn't embody our causes and believes and will only harm us.
Carrying a paper folder stuffed with finance reports, Steve Fukuyama is always one to be the bee in
Steve Fukuyama: Except for the fact that the advert has already paid itself off and then some. Exports to Japan for our t-shirts absolutely sky rocketed over in the Far East. This advert went down a treat. We all know that Japan love their wacky adverts and seeing a drunken American attempt to try and emulate their unique brand of the noble art of commercialisation just worked for them.
Michael Callahan: Wow. That really is something, huh? I wasn't even aware we had a t-shirt. My mind has not been on the externalities of this cause.
It's true. Callahan's attentions had been vastly distracted from just about everything except his wrestling as of late. His loss to Terry Marvin turned him into a focused, driven competitor determined not to get complacent once more and make the same mistakes he did last time.
Vikki Lahm: It's all Chaz's doing. You know what he's like. If he sees dollar signs then he's gonna' make the most of it. He believes in this cause but if he can make a buck or two or maybe even eight hundred thousand dollars in shirt sales then he will.
Michael Callahan: It's kind of sorry to see then that I find that I'm too emotionally invested into this business. I'm too passionate. The slightest knock sends my confidence plummeting and the simplest of wins makes my rainy days. It's a real minimum-maximum, a tour de force of an emotional roller coaster when I put every ounce of my existence into what I do, wrestling.
Vikki Lahm: Have you ever stopped and realised that maybe that's why you're so successful? Because you give it 500% all the time?
Michael pauses and twirls a pen between his fingers with immensely over practised skill. Such is the power of being a Yale graduate. No good pencil pushing yuppie scumbag.
Michael Callahan: When you're so focused though you miss the little things. Missing the little things made me lose to Terry Marvin. Missing the litt-
Vikki Lahm: Terry Marvin being a cheating jerk made you lose to Terry Marvin. You're fine the way you are. You're back on form and you're going to beat Chaz Dillinger to an inch of his life.
Michael Callahan: Because that's a great aspiration isn't it? I've been hearing down the rumour mill that apparently Chaz has been saying all this like I inspire him and I've taught him so much? He forgets that it was actually him who brought me back from the complete brink of a mental breakdown coupled with an indecent exposure charge. Him and Takagi rescued me from abject lunacy and as hard as it's going to be to give my all to a man I'm going to have to make a stand and clobber him.
Fond memories are had of the night when three brave heroes pulled our beloved Michael back from the apocalyptical melting point of his severely damaged mind. That night when Callahan stripped naked in front of a bunch of strangers? He was most definitely teetering precariously over the edge of the point of no return with attempts to dive bomb into a vipers nest of alcohol, sensational celebrity culture and more eye make-up than Hot Topic can shake a stick at.
Vikki Lahm: Who knows, maybe you'll strike out and end up facing someone like Ingram or Peace? Someone that you have no history with would totally destroy the tension between the two of you and that would make for some excellent motivation. Admittedly Chaz would be destroyed by it but, it's all about you right? You're the one who has to win this for you.
Michael Callahan: I agree. I totally agree.
Conversation is cut off by the eerie, shrill buzzing sound of Callahan's chirping executive telephone. It doesn't ring very often but when it does it's either his ex-fiance or some other form of bad news. Anyone he liked hearing from knew to ring him on his cell phone so when it was his office that was getting the call, Callahan's gut reaction is to start panicking. His eyes flash open wide like the deer in the headlights and he glances around the room looking for anyone to attribute the mysterious ringing to. It's no joy though. This isn't a prank orchestrated by Vikki or Steve, this is a real phone call.
Michael Callahan: Who's that calling?
Steve Fukuyama: It's a blocked number, sir.
Callahan can only gulp. If his suspicions are correct then it can only mean one thing and unfortunately, it did. He reluctantly nods his approval to Steve.
Michael Callahan: Patch it through to loudspeaker.
Fukuyama leans over and hit the switch to connect the call. Callahan's barely able to keep the shake out of his voice.
Michael Callahan: Callahan residence. Michael speaking. You're on loud-speaker. How can I help you sir?
Voice: Good afternoon Michael, this is Colby Stark of the Washington Republican Committee. I need to have a word with you.
With one fell swoop of an introduction, the complete complexion of Callahan's office hierarchy drops. The mere mention of the name Colby Stark is enough to bring the room to a deadly stand still. Stark's modest admission that he was a member of the WRC was a vastly inferior description of what he truly was. Colby Stark was a man of immense power, the Washington headhunter with whom the big chiefs all the way up at National correlated with. Any executive decision made was made by Colby and he did so with an iron fist despite his underwhelming, quiet, soft-spoken personality. There was a reason he was like that though and that was because he didn't need to shout to be heard.
Michael Callahan: Of course sir. What do you wish to discuss with me?
Colby Stark: It's about your recent bad publicity Michael, I'm afraid this isn't reflecting too well on the party as a state. You're meant to be an ambassador for the God-fearing, right-wing, zealotic youth of tomorrow and yet you're degrading yourself with that putrid wrestling company and your blasted initiative. Sadly though it's not just embarrassing you, it's reflecting very badly on the party at large and I've been instructed by the upper echelons that is imperative that we remove you from the public limelight.
Michael Callahan: What?! Are you kicking me out?!
Colby Stark: As it stands we can't allow a man who's mental troubles play out as theatrics on national television be the face of our cause. You have our own little trials and tribulations to deal with in your other career as a professional wrestler and the burden upon you to carry out your duties as both has clearly become too much. We're not kicking you out of the party, you're one of the best people we've ever had but with the way these scandals from your wrestling are playing out we can't allow it to let us look bad. Now I know as well as you know that your sex scandal was a bunch of old habberdash but you seem to forget that the public at large are morons and will believe whatever crap you spoon feed them. So for now we're relieving you of your duties and putting you towards the back until you feel you're ready to devote your life to upholding your reputation as ambassador of Washington Young Republicans. Do I make myself clear?
Michael Callahan: Yes sir.
Colby Stark: Thank you for taking it so well Michael. I see good things for you in the future but for now you need to live your life and have the wild fun that you can't have as an official of the people. I wish I'd done as such when I was your age. God bless Michael, you're going to be very important to the future of America son. I can feel it.
The line goes dead as Callahan's jaw sinks in sheer shock, everything sinking in all at once. He just got demoted from the position that he'd trained for his entire life and it was nothing short of gut-wrenching for him. What makes it worse is that Callahan knows that even if he were to give his wrestling up right now he wouldn't get his job back until that bad publicity goes away. Callahan though is never one to bide his time. Pausing in deep concentration.
Michael Callahan: Now I have absolutely no reason not to go all out. May God hath mercy on the soul of whoever is unfortunate enough to face me because I damn sure won't.
Grabbing the rather conveniently placed glimmering implement of destruction that is a snub nosed revolver from his desk and leaving his office hastily with the craziest look in his eye, he makes his way out and slams the door shut behind him leaving two very uneasy assistants in his wake until-
Michael Callahan: I AM THE ONE AND ONLY!
BANG! CRASH!
The cacophony of wreckage from the bullet damage echoes throughout the house. Vikki and Steve break into a sprint to go check out what Callahan's no doubt just destroyed as the scene comes to a close. Callahan's freeing up of his own political schedule should mean more time to devote to his secondary calling of wrestling but at what cost? His true mission in life is to get to high office is to feed his never ending narcissistic lust and if his wrestling is afflicting his plight then it might end up causing resentment and even further disillusionment with his legacy as a wrestler. This will be fun.
