Post by Phil Atken on Jun 16, 2012 15:09:59 GMT -4
We find the group of gentlemen, who for some reason, possible due to Dirk Dickwood's fancy legal shenanigans, now insist on being called The Talkshow Posse. They consulted with five different agencies before arriving at that name and those agencies don't come cheap. Turns out the test screeners loves the word Posse.
The men find themselves in the middle of a dimmed down conference room. At the head of the table we find Phil Atken dressed in full General regalia, helmet, fake war medals and all. Sitting at his side, looking very much like he doesn't want to be there is Dirk Dickwood. At the opposite side of the table sits the illustrious Posse Chief of Security, Hank. A spotlight is shining down on the middle of the table as little action figures of Michael Callahan, Chaz Dillinger and Gubayama Takagi face figures of Jason Kash, Anthony Bailey and Johnny Knuckles on the opposing side. Standing in the middle, not doing much of anything is a stick man made of tooth picks with a name badge that states “I am Phil Atken”.
Atken: Gentlemen, a war is brewing on Asylum and we must pick a side!
Dickwood: Must we?
Atken: Look, the very identity of the brand is on the line. We must strive to ensure... that... I don't know. Violence remains?
Dickwood: I thought we were against too much violence.
Atken: So did I but I was told that I need to defend it. I even created this damn war room to be all strategic about it.
Dickwood: Who told you that? I sure as hell didn't.
Atken: Johnny Knuckles.
Dirk gives one of his now patented (seriously, he patented it) eye rolls and tops it off with an almost songstress like sigh. Hank has began to play with the Kash and Callahan action figures, slamming them into each other while he giggles to himself.
Dickwood: You're going to listen to the man who pays for ladies to fart is his face?
Atken: A shameful man.
Dickwood: Quite, you're going to listen to a shameful man?
Atken: Well I already rented this General costume. I've got it for two days and I'm damn well going to get my usage out of it.
Phil grabs the action figures out of Hank's hands, much to Hank's dismay. He places them back in their proper places and begins shoving them about the table, murmuring to himself as he does so.
Dickwood: Is this actually achieving anything?
Atken: It's proving this table is pretty damn slippery.
Hank grabs the actions figure of Johnny Knuckles and begins the gnaw away at the head of it, looking thoroughly happy about the experience.
Dickwood: I feel like that is somehow a metaphor.
Atken: HANK! NO! HE'LL ONLY ENJOY THAT!
Hank sheepishly pulls the action figure back out of his mouth and places it back down on the table. Phil begins to push his own little toothpick man back and forth between the two sides and suddenly yells “BUT WHOSE SIDE IS HE ON?” at the top of his voice.
Dickwood: Are you feeling alright?
Atken: Spiffy.
Phil lifts up his own little stick man and shoves the rest of the figures right off the side of the table. Hank gets up off his seat and begins to jump up and down on the pile o' Asylum Megastars. Phil gently places his own stick man back down on the table and shoves a little miniature World Heavyweight Championship on his “arm”.
Atken: Get it?
Dickwood: Loud and clear.
Atken: Of course not everyone is as wise as you, after all, you are a super agent. A man like The Knux, he needs it spelled out for him. Then after it is spelt out for him, you have to give it to his mother so she can explain it to him in a baby speak. Then when that fails... well... you get the idea with that. Maybe we can tussle his hair while say “whossa good boy, whoosa a good boy”. It'd be more productive than trying to get anything into that thick skull of his.
Phil takes off his helmet and nests it under his arm, turning away from Dirk to face the camera directly.
Atken: Let me explain a little something to you, dear Jon Jon. I get it. Really I do. You are caught up in this little war against them meaniepants, the TRI, to protect the violent name of Asylum. Well, go right ahead. Seriously, you go and fight what you view as the good fight. I'm not going to be the one to stop you. In fact while you go on your little crusade, I'll be off winning Test for the Best. I think that's really a more productive use of my time.
I'm not an idiot Johnny, sometimes I think we like to portray ourselves as a little slower than we actually are. It's a fun trick to get people to underestimate you but did you really think I was going to fall for your trap? Did you really think I was about to take up arms against the TRI at the expense of my own glory. Of my own redemption? I've been underestimated before but I don't think anyone has had quite as low an opinion of me if you thought I was going to buy into your bullshit.
Phil tosses of his flak jacket, revealing a nice lil suit jacket underneath.
Atken: Now, I must say, I'm grateful to our great leader Reggie Q. Reginald for allowing me to as a stay a very much ingrained part of the show while I was in recovery but hell, I don't even disagree with all of TRI's goals. I've made my feelings public on some of Asylum's more dangerous bouts. I've gone on record on saying that health and safety should be a premium on the show. Obviously you disagree. You thirst for blood like some kind of stone age savage.
Dickwood: We are men of taste and decorum god damn it.
Atken: … thank you for that Dirk. The point you missed Johnny, I'm not pro-Asylum, I'm not pro-TRI. I'm pro-Phil Atken. I proudly wave the flag with my smiling face on it. This pro/anti-violence war is not mine to fight. You know what war I'm fighting right now? The war to win the god damn Test for the Best, I'm fighting that war. I'm looking to reign hellfire down upon all my competition in this tournament shindig. I'm looking to walk out of Test for the Best with a title shot in the bank. I'm looking to become the next World Heavyweight Champion.
The past just plain doesn't matter to me. It doesn't interest me. I'm a capable man, I'm a man of means, if I wasn't, I wouldn't have qualified for the damn tournament. Do you think I just stumbled into the first round by accident? Do you think I want to sit here, satisfied in my career history as a mediocre wrestler who never did achieve all that much? Do you honest to god think that I'm happy being a footnote in APW's history?
Phil rips off his combats, revealing a fancy dandy set of pinstripe trousers underneath it. Phil Atken is perhaps the most disappointing stripper in history.
Atken: A little motivation is very much a dangerous thing Knuckles, I warn you now. You say you are the most passionate guy here? You dare to question my motivation? This is my one shot at finally getting a World Title around my waist and you think I'm just going to lay down and die in front of the man who has tried and failed. Hell he tried and failed again and again and again...
You may never say die. I've never had the opportunity to. Now I do. Now I get to show everyone who has viewed me as nothing more than a jumped up little interviewer what I'm really made of. I get to cast aside my image as the buffoon. Test for the Best in my opportunity to mold myself a new image. A stronger image. The image of a true Megastar. Ain't that right Dirk?
Dirk jumps out of his seat and stands alongside Phil.
Dickwood: Mr. Knuckles, I have a lot invested in Phil Atken's success. Hank's entire livelyhood depends on Phil Atken being a big ticket wrestler, it's the only way we can afford to pay him. It's not just Phil who is motivated. All of us are. This is our future. You seem to get title shots handed to you as if they were candy yet my client has to claw his way to the top. You think Hank's going to just sit there and allow the door to slam in Phil's face? Do you think I'm going to stand at ringside and let our dream die. I would rather turn the gun on myself than let our futures die at the hands of a man who quite frankly represents everything wrong with this industry. We're tired of seeing this brands top contender be a vile man. A man without morals and an odd fixation on donkeys. You have made your entire career out of being Jason Kash's patsy. It's time to let a real contender take your place.
If you thought that you were going to walk into Round 1 of this Test for the Best competition and just walk right over in my client you were sorely, sorely mistaken. We're not ready to ride off into the sunset quite yet, we still have a lot of tricks up our sleeves.
Hank now stands up out of his chair and goes to join Phil and Dick and the top of the table. Hank simple stares dead at the camera and growls a monstrous growl, giving Dirk quite the scare as he does so.
Atken: So what did my little action figure scene really mean? It's really quite simple. Dirk, Hank and myself, we're waging our own war. We're not pro-violence, we're not pro-Tradition. That little slap fight is nothing more than a distraction to tie up Asylum's miscreants. We're far too evolved for that. The only banner we march under is the Atken banner and we march under it with a great degree of pride.
One way or another, I'm going to get that belt away from Kash's ugly mug. We're finally have a champion that Reginald can be proud of. One who stands by his beliefs. One who earned his title the hard way. A journeyman who finally made it to the pinnacle of this damn industry. The headlines are almost too good to miss.
Atken points his figure towards his own stick man, proudly displaying his own title. The camera follows suit, focusing in on the stick Atken.
Atken: Everyone take in this image, let it soak in. This little stick man is about to become reality. And those guys...
Phil points the camera towards to wreckage of the action figures shoved off the table, looking rather worse for wear.
Atken: They'll do the heavy lifting for me
The newly anointed Talk Show Posse exit the room, leaving only the linger image of an action figure pile up, Knuckles still covered in an impressive amount of Hank based drool. All the while stick man Phil Atken stands tall at the top of the table.
The men find themselves in the middle of a dimmed down conference room. At the head of the table we find Phil Atken dressed in full General regalia, helmet, fake war medals and all. Sitting at his side, looking very much like he doesn't want to be there is Dirk Dickwood. At the opposite side of the table sits the illustrious Posse Chief of Security, Hank. A spotlight is shining down on the middle of the table as little action figures of Michael Callahan, Chaz Dillinger and Gubayama Takagi face figures of Jason Kash, Anthony Bailey and Johnny Knuckles on the opposing side. Standing in the middle, not doing much of anything is a stick man made of tooth picks with a name badge that states “I am Phil Atken”.
Atken: Gentlemen, a war is brewing on Asylum and we must pick a side!
Dickwood: Must we?
Atken: Look, the very identity of the brand is on the line. We must strive to ensure... that... I don't know. Violence remains?
Dickwood: I thought we were against too much violence.
Atken: So did I but I was told that I need to defend it. I even created this damn war room to be all strategic about it.
Dickwood: Who told you that? I sure as hell didn't.
Atken: Johnny Knuckles.
Dirk gives one of his now patented (seriously, he patented it) eye rolls and tops it off with an almost songstress like sigh. Hank has began to play with the Kash and Callahan action figures, slamming them into each other while he giggles to himself.
Dickwood: You're going to listen to the man who pays for ladies to fart is his face?
Atken: A shameful man.
Dickwood: Quite, you're going to listen to a shameful man?
Atken: Well I already rented this General costume. I've got it for two days and I'm damn well going to get my usage out of it.
Phil grabs the action figures out of Hank's hands, much to Hank's dismay. He places them back in their proper places and begins shoving them about the table, murmuring to himself as he does so.
Dickwood: Is this actually achieving anything?
Atken: It's proving this table is pretty damn slippery.
Hank grabs the actions figure of Johnny Knuckles and begins the gnaw away at the head of it, looking thoroughly happy about the experience.
Dickwood: I feel like that is somehow a metaphor.
Atken: HANK! NO! HE'LL ONLY ENJOY THAT!
Hank sheepishly pulls the action figure back out of his mouth and places it back down on the table. Phil begins to push his own little toothpick man back and forth between the two sides and suddenly yells “BUT WHOSE SIDE IS HE ON?” at the top of his voice.
Dickwood: Are you feeling alright?
Atken: Spiffy.
Phil lifts up his own little stick man and shoves the rest of the figures right off the side of the table. Hank gets up off his seat and begins to jump up and down on the pile o' Asylum Megastars. Phil gently places his own stick man back down on the table and shoves a little miniature World Heavyweight Championship on his “arm”.
Atken: Get it?
Dickwood: Loud and clear.
Atken: Of course not everyone is as wise as you, after all, you are a super agent. A man like The Knux, he needs it spelled out for him. Then after it is spelt out for him, you have to give it to his mother so she can explain it to him in a baby speak. Then when that fails... well... you get the idea with that. Maybe we can tussle his hair while say “whossa good boy, whoosa a good boy”. It'd be more productive than trying to get anything into that thick skull of his.
Phil takes off his helmet and nests it under his arm, turning away from Dirk to face the camera directly.
Atken: Let me explain a little something to you, dear Jon Jon. I get it. Really I do. You are caught up in this little war against them meaniepants, the TRI, to protect the violent name of Asylum. Well, go right ahead. Seriously, you go and fight what you view as the good fight. I'm not going to be the one to stop you. In fact while you go on your little crusade, I'll be off winning Test for the Best. I think that's really a more productive use of my time.
I'm not an idiot Johnny, sometimes I think we like to portray ourselves as a little slower than we actually are. It's a fun trick to get people to underestimate you but did you really think I was going to fall for your trap? Did you really think I was about to take up arms against the TRI at the expense of my own glory. Of my own redemption? I've been underestimated before but I don't think anyone has had quite as low an opinion of me if you thought I was going to buy into your bullshit.
Phil tosses of his flak jacket, revealing a nice lil suit jacket underneath.
Atken: Now, I must say, I'm grateful to our great leader Reggie Q. Reginald for allowing me to as a stay a very much ingrained part of the show while I was in recovery but hell, I don't even disagree with all of TRI's goals. I've made my feelings public on some of Asylum's more dangerous bouts. I've gone on record on saying that health and safety should be a premium on the show. Obviously you disagree. You thirst for blood like some kind of stone age savage.
Dickwood: We are men of taste and decorum god damn it.
Atken: … thank you for that Dirk. The point you missed Johnny, I'm not pro-Asylum, I'm not pro-TRI. I'm pro-Phil Atken. I proudly wave the flag with my smiling face on it. This pro/anti-violence war is not mine to fight. You know what war I'm fighting right now? The war to win the god damn Test for the Best, I'm fighting that war. I'm looking to reign hellfire down upon all my competition in this tournament shindig. I'm looking to walk out of Test for the Best with a title shot in the bank. I'm looking to become the next World Heavyweight Champion.
The past just plain doesn't matter to me. It doesn't interest me. I'm a capable man, I'm a man of means, if I wasn't, I wouldn't have qualified for the damn tournament. Do you think I just stumbled into the first round by accident? Do you think I want to sit here, satisfied in my career history as a mediocre wrestler who never did achieve all that much? Do you honest to god think that I'm happy being a footnote in APW's history?
Phil rips off his combats, revealing a fancy dandy set of pinstripe trousers underneath it. Phil Atken is perhaps the most disappointing stripper in history.
Atken: A little motivation is very much a dangerous thing Knuckles, I warn you now. You say you are the most passionate guy here? You dare to question my motivation? This is my one shot at finally getting a World Title around my waist and you think I'm just going to lay down and die in front of the man who has tried and failed. Hell he tried and failed again and again and again...
You may never say die. I've never had the opportunity to. Now I do. Now I get to show everyone who has viewed me as nothing more than a jumped up little interviewer what I'm really made of. I get to cast aside my image as the buffoon. Test for the Best in my opportunity to mold myself a new image. A stronger image. The image of a true Megastar. Ain't that right Dirk?
Dirk jumps out of his seat and stands alongside Phil.
Dickwood: Mr. Knuckles, I have a lot invested in Phil Atken's success. Hank's entire livelyhood depends on Phil Atken being a big ticket wrestler, it's the only way we can afford to pay him. It's not just Phil who is motivated. All of us are. This is our future. You seem to get title shots handed to you as if they were candy yet my client has to claw his way to the top. You think Hank's going to just sit there and allow the door to slam in Phil's face? Do you think I'm going to stand at ringside and let our dream die. I would rather turn the gun on myself than let our futures die at the hands of a man who quite frankly represents everything wrong with this industry. We're tired of seeing this brands top contender be a vile man. A man without morals and an odd fixation on donkeys. You have made your entire career out of being Jason Kash's patsy. It's time to let a real contender take your place.
If you thought that you were going to walk into Round 1 of this Test for the Best competition and just walk right over in my client you were sorely, sorely mistaken. We're not ready to ride off into the sunset quite yet, we still have a lot of tricks up our sleeves.
Hank now stands up out of his chair and goes to join Phil and Dick and the top of the table. Hank simple stares dead at the camera and growls a monstrous growl, giving Dirk quite the scare as he does so.
Atken: So what did my little action figure scene really mean? It's really quite simple. Dirk, Hank and myself, we're waging our own war. We're not pro-violence, we're not pro-Tradition. That little slap fight is nothing more than a distraction to tie up Asylum's miscreants. We're far too evolved for that. The only banner we march under is the Atken banner and we march under it with a great degree of pride.
One way or another, I'm going to get that belt away from Kash's ugly mug. We're finally have a champion that Reginald can be proud of. One who stands by his beliefs. One who earned his title the hard way. A journeyman who finally made it to the pinnacle of this damn industry. The headlines are almost too good to miss.
Atken points his figure towards his own stick man, proudly displaying his own title. The camera follows suit, focusing in on the stick Atken.
Atken: Everyone take in this image, let it soak in. This little stick man is about to become reality. And those guys...
Phil points the camera towards to wreckage of the action figures shoved off the table, looking rather worse for wear.
Atken: They'll do the heavy lifting for me
The newly anointed Talk Show Posse exit the room, leaving only the linger image of an action figure pile up, Knuckles still covered in an impressive amount of Hank based drool. All the while stick man Phil Atken stands tall at the top of the table.
