Post by Phil Atken on Jul 7, 2012 15:57:27 GMT -4
As we are often found to do, we find ourselves in the company of three men who have formed something of an alliance of convenience (AND FRIENDSHIP!), “The Illustrious” Hank, “The True Voice of APW” Phil Atken and “Superagent” Dirk Dickwood. They recently all got nicknames during a trademark office fire sale at some of the best prices you've ever laid your eyes on.
As in general, Phil has a great fear of interacting with the general public on anything other than the most superficial of levels, we find them once again in the comforts of a rather small hotel room. The room consists of little more than a dressing table, two single beds, a cot that Hank seems to have made his own and a small 15” CRT TV. Truly these gentlemen are breaking the bank. Phil is sitting on the edge of one of the beds and Dickwood and Hank find themselves sitting on the other bed, facing Phil..
Atken: Gentlemen, we are in Chi-town, the Big Apple, the Windy City, Sincinanty, Lost Wages... so many names for such a wonderful place!
Dickwood: I'm not sure if that's exactly...
Atken: Now I'm sure you two are wondering why I called for you to join me here in this wonderful Badger State...
Dickwood: We're ALWAYS with you. Always.
Phil continues on his little tirade that he had already pre-planned rather than addressing the incredibly accurate heckling from the shorter statured Dickwood. Phil gently clears his throat and continues.
Atken: Well, I was watching Chicago's own Fighting Lions on this fine portable television that this flea ridden motel has provided us with and it really ignited some passion in me. Passion to roar. ROARRRRRRRRRRR.
Dickwood merely blinks as Phil begins to roar at the top of his lungs and holds it there for a good five seconds. Hank himself looks rather solemn, perhaps wishing that he himself could also join in on the roaring party but it is sadly not to be. Damn mute.
Dickwood: Does this have a point?
Atken: Yes, it bloody well has a point. I'm mad as hell...
Dickwood: And let me guess... you're not going to take it any more? Remember, we were all in the room when you were watching Network last night.
Atken: Look, enough of your sass mouth Dirk. You claim to be a “Superagent” right?
Dirk pauses for a moment and scrunches up his face, trying to work out where this one is going.
Dickwood: You claim I'm a “Superagent”, I just claim to be a damn good one.
Atken: Damn good? We tell me Mr. Damn Good... what are we doing in this demon pit of a room in this crappy Show Me State?
Dickwood: We're going to Test for the Best.
Atken: Smart man. Now why exactly are we going to Test for the Best? Are we in the tournament? Do we have some kind of big title match to throw down in? Am I going to do a god damn dance parade in the middle of the PPV?
Dickwood: Well...
Atken: NO! We're on the bloody pre-show. We're on the pre-show in a slap dash mess of an Asylum vs. Overdrive match.
Dickwood: At least you're on the show... look at all that poor Meltdown talent that...
Phil throws up his hand, right into Dirk's face in an attempt to get him to stop talking. Dirk looks fairly taken aback at the action and actually dutifully shuts up. Hank begins to watch this incident back and forth like a good rally in a tennis match.
Atken: Okay, let me make this a bit clearer. I came up short against Knuckles...
Dickwood: You were DESTROYED by Knuckles.
Phil's hand hovers ever closer to Dirk's face as Hank gets giddy in the expectation that mummy and daddy are about to reach fisticuffs.
Atken: But who did I beat to qualify for the tournament? Whose dreams did I crush so successfully?
Dickwood: Donovan Caine.
Atken: And what is he doing on the show?
Dickwood: Donovan Caine isn't on the the mumfmfmffm.
At this point, Phil has completely pie-faced Dirk, preventing Dirk from continuing to make his little jibes in the process.
Atken: Dirk, I will remove this god damn fucking hand the second you stop playing cute. What is the former Donovan Caine doing on this show?
Phil removes his hand from Dirk's face, just a little, to allow him to talk.
Dickwood: *panting* He's got a title match against Michael Callahan.
Dirk lays down on the bed, looking up at the ceiling, trying to take in big deep breaths. Hank gives him some reassuring and friendly rubs on the belly, perhaps confusing Dirk Dickwood with a puppy.
Atken: Now, at the last Asylum, I was knocked a little silly by Johnny Knuckles so perhaps I missed Calvin Ingram overcoming all the odds and defeating a wide field of competitors to get himself this reward. I don't remember that happening but I may have some of that brain damage I've been reading so much about in the newspapers these days. So let me ask you Dirk, did Calvin Ingram become a glorious conqueror during the last Asylum?
Dickwood: *still trying to get his breathe back* Well actually he lost his...
Atken: OH HE LOST! So I suppose that brings me back to my original question my dearest Dirkypoo. Do you consider yourself to be good at your job?
Dickwood: I do the best for my clients.
Atken: Then why the hell does Calvin Ingram have MY title shot. That should bloody well be mine. I conquered that fucking human wreckage zone, I made sure he didn't even disgrace the Test for the Best tournament with his stupid war. I stopped a bloody war and my reward is to see the man I took down get handed out a title shot like Reginald is shitting candy while I get sent off to battle for relevance in an Overdrive vs. Asylum match featuring some of APW's hottest fading stars. AND YOU SAY YOU'RE GOOD AT THIS?
Dickwood: THIS IS THE BEST YOU WERE GOING TO GET! Don't dare talk about my abilities as an agent. I didn't let you down. I didn't let you down in the slightest. If anything with your little performance against Johnny Knuckles, yeah that little bit of complete and utter destruction, showed just how worthless you are without me and Hank. You need me Phil, you need us.
Atken: Hey now, don't you dare bring Hank into this. Hank cover your ears!
Hank looks a little befuddled at this entire situation, perhaps wondering why mummy and daddy have started to yell at each other but he dutifully covers his ears anyway.
Dickwood: It was hard to even convince Reginald to give you a spot in this match after Asylum. Seriously, you were crushed. Calvin Ingram has went down swinging time and time again, that's admirable. You don't even wind up, never mind swing. It's hard to sit down with APW's big wigs who have just seen you flat on your back and showered with Donkey Punch and tell them that you're the guy that should headline shows. You don't make my job easy Phil.
Atken: If you have such little faith in me, maybe I should start looking around.
Dickwood: You won't do that.
Atken: And why wouldn't I? It burns me up just seeing Calvin Ingram go for gold and if you have such little faith in me you can no longer make a convincing argument that I deserve a place on the card ahead of the man I ejected from the damn tournament then why the hell do I want to keep your services?
Dickwood: You won't do that because you know I'm right. You know you need to get your arse in gear. You stood there in the ring without me or Hank at ringside and you didn't even get the tiniest bit of offense in. I've seen inanimate statues give people more of a fight. Hell, I've seen lamp posts do more damage than you managed in the match.
Phil slumps down on his bed slightly as Dirk's words slowly begin to penetrate his notoriously thick skull. Phil signals to Hank that it's okay for him to remove his hands from his ears and Hank slowly does so. If he is anything, Hank is a man to follow orders. Must be all that military training.
Atken: This really was the best you could do?
Dickwood: I'm sure Reginald would really appreciate a victory over Overdrive...
Atken: He would?
Dickwood: He'd give you all the hugs and cuddles you could ever dream of!
Atken: And a meaningful career?
Dickwood: Oh yeah sure, that too.
Phil straightens up a little from his slump.
Atken: So, what do we do now. What's our plan for the match? Surely you must have a plan of action to get me noticed, when you have 7 other men in the ring, it's easy to get lost in the shuffle. If I need to stand out, if I need to get showered in praise at my own prowess, how do we deal with that? How do we face that head on in the match?
Dirk begins to dig around in his suitcase, looking for something that it appears he has misplaced while he answers
Dickwood: You could wear a thong, that'd weird people out.
Atken: You're joking right? There's no way in hell I'm doing that. Have you seen my bodies condition? We want to be showered in praise, we don't want APW to be showered in complaints from their loyal fans due to their suffering of temporary blindness after witnessing the abyss live on PPV. I'm not kidding Dirk, when you stare at my body, it stares back.
Dirk begins to shove whatever it was he was he was digging around for his bag back into it's proper position and jumps back up on his bed.
Dickwood: Fair enough, although you have to admit, it would get you noticed. You can't deny that.
Atken: It'd probably come with a jail sentence for indecent exposure too.
Dickwood: You wouldn't be exposed.
Atken: It sure as hell would be indecent though.
The two men pause silently in their thoughts, trying to figure out the best way for Phil to turn some eyeballs during the big pre-show match at the show. As they are men with knowledge of all the medias, they begin a proto-typical brainstorming session to work out the best way to make a man stand out in a wrestling match.
Dickwood: You could pretend you are Japanese.
Atken: Gubayama Takagi IS actually a proper in real life Japanese person. Also that'd be racist and I'm sure that's a no-no. I know it's Pay Per View but I'm sure there'd still be backlash over racism.
Dickwood: Hey, we're looking for ways to stand out, that'd make you stand out! Just think of it, “The Bad Boy of APW” Phil Atken and his racist caricaturing ways. Who knows what race he'll make fun of next!
Atken: No Dirk, we're not doing that. I do have some standards. They are minimal but they do exist.
Dickwood: How about you play the prankster in the ring, people love japes! Remember Dennis the Menace? Kids went apeshit over that master of upsetting the elderly unnecessarily. You could give the Overdrive team wedgies, noogies, wet willies...
Atken: That sounds obscene.
Dickwood: I think we've spent too much time in the Americas.
Atken: That's Sykes' schtick anyway. That won't really work all too well with two people doing it.
Dirk begins to stroke his chin while trying to think of a situation that will truly make Phil stand out. Dirk notices that Hank is doodling something to himself in the corner of the room but can't quite make out what Hank is doing. Before he can lean over and get a closer look however, Phil leaps out of his seat.
Atken: I GOT IT! I could be a zombie! Zombies are all the rage these days. People love them some zombie stuff, look at all them vidyagames with zombies in them, all the zombie movies and let us not forget the fine quality zombie television that is readily available to everyone these days. What would make a good back story about how I ended up zombified though? Maybe I was hit by a truck and managed to walk away from the wreckage...
Dickwood: Okay... that's something that actually happened to Warren Peace.
Atken: Really? We can't come up with a single original idea? All we can think of is crap already covered by MY OWN PARTNERS in the match?
Dickwood: Right, we have to rule out your opponents too, can't very well be seen to be mimicing them, that'll go over like a Dutch Astronaut. Which I suppose would cover being faux-repentant...
Atken: Mania.
Dickwood: Captain Swearypants.
Atken: Slade.
Dickwood: Really whiny.
Atken: Harris... or is that Watson? You know what, never mind. That's one isn't going to make me stand out anyway.
Out of the corner of his eye, Phil sees Hank's little doodle in the corner and grabs it out of his hand. He begins waving it in front of Dirk. It seems to be a picture of a rather well-endowed Atken dressed skimpily in the middle of the ring. The picture seems to carefully ignore the flab that would no doubt be noticed otherwise.
Atken: See, this is what happens when you start talking about thongs in front of the impressionable Hank. Now his mind is loaded with filth!
Dickwood: It's still an option though. Hank seems to agree with the idea...
Atken: I AM NOT WEARING A THONG!
Phil scrunches up the picture and launches it towards the rubbish bin. It circles around the rim for a moment and then falls in.
Atken: SWISH!
This time it's Dirk's turn to leap up out of his bed in his own personal eureka moment.
Dickwood: I GOT IT! I know the best way to get praise heaped upon you. The best way to get noticed. The best way to redeem yourself in the eyes of Reginald, the fans and Hank. You need to score the pin. You need to be the one bringing home the big W for Asylum.
Atken: Isn't that just expecting a little bit too much from me Dirk. I mean I know everyone in the match is at a low ebb right now with our tournament rejections but sneaking the pin in such a mess of a match...
Dickwood: It's hard but if you're serious about getting some recognition and recovery it's the best way to do it. I have an idea of how to do it too. Quick! To the scheming room!
Atken: This is the only room we have.
Dickwood: Quick! Stay where you are!
As in general, Phil has a great fear of interacting with the general public on anything other than the most superficial of levels, we find them once again in the comforts of a rather small hotel room. The room consists of little more than a dressing table, two single beds, a cot that Hank seems to have made his own and a small 15” CRT TV. Truly these gentlemen are breaking the bank. Phil is sitting on the edge of one of the beds and Dickwood and Hank find themselves sitting on the other bed, facing Phil..
Atken: Gentlemen, we are in Chi-town, the Big Apple, the Windy City, Sincinanty, Lost Wages... so many names for such a wonderful place!
Dickwood: I'm not sure if that's exactly...
Atken: Now I'm sure you two are wondering why I called for you to join me here in this wonderful Badger State...
Dickwood: We're ALWAYS with you. Always.
Phil continues on his little tirade that he had already pre-planned rather than addressing the incredibly accurate heckling from the shorter statured Dickwood. Phil gently clears his throat and continues.
Atken: Well, I was watching Chicago's own Fighting Lions on this fine portable television that this flea ridden motel has provided us with and it really ignited some passion in me. Passion to roar. ROARRRRRRRRRRR.
Dickwood merely blinks as Phil begins to roar at the top of his lungs and holds it there for a good five seconds. Hank himself looks rather solemn, perhaps wishing that he himself could also join in on the roaring party but it is sadly not to be. Damn mute.
Dickwood: Does this have a point?
Atken: Yes, it bloody well has a point. I'm mad as hell...
Dickwood: And let me guess... you're not going to take it any more? Remember, we were all in the room when you were watching Network last night.
Atken: Look, enough of your sass mouth Dirk. You claim to be a “Superagent” right?
Dirk pauses for a moment and scrunches up his face, trying to work out where this one is going.
Dickwood: You claim I'm a “Superagent”, I just claim to be a damn good one.
Atken: Damn good? We tell me Mr. Damn Good... what are we doing in this demon pit of a room in this crappy Show Me State?
Dickwood: We're going to Test for the Best.
Atken: Smart man. Now why exactly are we going to Test for the Best? Are we in the tournament? Do we have some kind of big title match to throw down in? Am I going to do a god damn dance parade in the middle of the PPV?
Dickwood: Well...
Atken: NO! We're on the bloody pre-show. We're on the pre-show in a slap dash mess of an Asylum vs. Overdrive match.
Dickwood: At least you're on the show... look at all that poor Meltdown talent that...
Phil throws up his hand, right into Dirk's face in an attempt to get him to stop talking. Dirk looks fairly taken aback at the action and actually dutifully shuts up. Hank begins to watch this incident back and forth like a good rally in a tennis match.
Atken: Okay, let me make this a bit clearer. I came up short against Knuckles...
Dickwood: You were DESTROYED by Knuckles.
Phil's hand hovers ever closer to Dirk's face as Hank gets giddy in the expectation that mummy and daddy are about to reach fisticuffs.
Atken: But who did I beat to qualify for the tournament? Whose dreams did I crush so successfully?
Dickwood: Donovan Caine.
Atken: And what is he doing on the show?
Dickwood: Donovan Caine isn't on the the mumfmfmffm.
At this point, Phil has completely pie-faced Dirk, preventing Dirk from continuing to make his little jibes in the process.
Atken: Dirk, I will remove this god damn fucking hand the second you stop playing cute. What is the former Donovan Caine doing on this show?
Phil removes his hand from Dirk's face, just a little, to allow him to talk.
Dickwood: *panting* He's got a title match against Michael Callahan.
Dirk lays down on the bed, looking up at the ceiling, trying to take in big deep breaths. Hank gives him some reassuring and friendly rubs on the belly, perhaps confusing Dirk Dickwood with a puppy.
Atken: Now, at the last Asylum, I was knocked a little silly by Johnny Knuckles so perhaps I missed Calvin Ingram overcoming all the odds and defeating a wide field of competitors to get himself this reward. I don't remember that happening but I may have some of that brain damage I've been reading so much about in the newspapers these days. So let me ask you Dirk, did Calvin Ingram become a glorious conqueror during the last Asylum?
Dickwood: *still trying to get his breathe back* Well actually he lost his...
Atken: OH HE LOST! So I suppose that brings me back to my original question my dearest Dirkypoo. Do you consider yourself to be good at your job?
Dickwood: I do the best for my clients.
Atken: Then why the hell does Calvin Ingram have MY title shot. That should bloody well be mine. I conquered that fucking human wreckage zone, I made sure he didn't even disgrace the Test for the Best tournament with his stupid war. I stopped a bloody war and my reward is to see the man I took down get handed out a title shot like Reginald is shitting candy while I get sent off to battle for relevance in an Overdrive vs. Asylum match featuring some of APW's hottest fading stars. AND YOU SAY YOU'RE GOOD AT THIS?
Dickwood: THIS IS THE BEST YOU WERE GOING TO GET! Don't dare talk about my abilities as an agent. I didn't let you down. I didn't let you down in the slightest. If anything with your little performance against Johnny Knuckles, yeah that little bit of complete and utter destruction, showed just how worthless you are without me and Hank. You need me Phil, you need us.
Atken: Hey now, don't you dare bring Hank into this. Hank cover your ears!
Hank looks a little befuddled at this entire situation, perhaps wondering why mummy and daddy have started to yell at each other but he dutifully covers his ears anyway.
Dickwood: It was hard to even convince Reginald to give you a spot in this match after Asylum. Seriously, you were crushed. Calvin Ingram has went down swinging time and time again, that's admirable. You don't even wind up, never mind swing. It's hard to sit down with APW's big wigs who have just seen you flat on your back and showered with Donkey Punch and tell them that you're the guy that should headline shows. You don't make my job easy Phil.
Atken: If you have such little faith in me, maybe I should start looking around.
Dickwood: You won't do that.
Atken: And why wouldn't I? It burns me up just seeing Calvin Ingram go for gold and if you have such little faith in me you can no longer make a convincing argument that I deserve a place on the card ahead of the man I ejected from the damn tournament then why the hell do I want to keep your services?
Dickwood: You won't do that because you know I'm right. You know you need to get your arse in gear. You stood there in the ring without me or Hank at ringside and you didn't even get the tiniest bit of offense in. I've seen inanimate statues give people more of a fight. Hell, I've seen lamp posts do more damage than you managed in the match.
Phil slumps down on his bed slightly as Dirk's words slowly begin to penetrate his notoriously thick skull. Phil signals to Hank that it's okay for him to remove his hands from his ears and Hank slowly does so. If he is anything, Hank is a man to follow orders. Must be all that military training.
Atken: This really was the best you could do?
Dickwood: I'm sure Reginald would really appreciate a victory over Overdrive...
Atken: He would?
Dickwood: He'd give you all the hugs and cuddles you could ever dream of!
Atken: And a meaningful career?
Dickwood: Oh yeah sure, that too.
Phil straightens up a little from his slump.
Atken: So, what do we do now. What's our plan for the match? Surely you must have a plan of action to get me noticed, when you have 7 other men in the ring, it's easy to get lost in the shuffle. If I need to stand out, if I need to get showered in praise at my own prowess, how do we deal with that? How do we face that head on in the match?
Dirk begins to dig around in his suitcase, looking for something that it appears he has misplaced while he answers
Dickwood: You could wear a thong, that'd weird people out.
Atken: You're joking right? There's no way in hell I'm doing that. Have you seen my bodies condition? We want to be showered in praise, we don't want APW to be showered in complaints from their loyal fans due to their suffering of temporary blindness after witnessing the abyss live on PPV. I'm not kidding Dirk, when you stare at my body, it stares back.
Dirk begins to shove whatever it was he was he was digging around for his bag back into it's proper position and jumps back up on his bed.
Dickwood: Fair enough, although you have to admit, it would get you noticed. You can't deny that.
Atken: It'd probably come with a jail sentence for indecent exposure too.
Dickwood: You wouldn't be exposed.
Atken: It sure as hell would be indecent though.
The two men pause silently in their thoughts, trying to figure out the best way for Phil to turn some eyeballs during the big pre-show match at the show. As they are men with knowledge of all the medias, they begin a proto-typical brainstorming session to work out the best way to make a man stand out in a wrestling match.
Dickwood: You could pretend you are Japanese.
Atken: Gubayama Takagi IS actually a proper in real life Japanese person. Also that'd be racist and I'm sure that's a no-no. I know it's Pay Per View but I'm sure there'd still be backlash over racism.
Dickwood: Hey, we're looking for ways to stand out, that'd make you stand out! Just think of it, “The Bad Boy of APW” Phil Atken and his racist caricaturing ways. Who knows what race he'll make fun of next!
Atken: No Dirk, we're not doing that. I do have some standards. They are minimal but they do exist.
Dickwood: How about you play the prankster in the ring, people love japes! Remember Dennis the Menace? Kids went apeshit over that master of upsetting the elderly unnecessarily. You could give the Overdrive team wedgies, noogies, wet willies...
Atken: That sounds obscene.
Dickwood: I think we've spent too much time in the Americas.
Atken: That's Sykes' schtick anyway. That won't really work all too well with two people doing it.
Dirk begins to stroke his chin while trying to think of a situation that will truly make Phil stand out. Dirk notices that Hank is doodling something to himself in the corner of the room but can't quite make out what Hank is doing. Before he can lean over and get a closer look however, Phil leaps out of his seat.
Atken: I GOT IT! I could be a zombie! Zombies are all the rage these days. People love them some zombie stuff, look at all them vidyagames with zombies in them, all the zombie movies and let us not forget the fine quality zombie television that is readily available to everyone these days. What would make a good back story about how I ended up zombified though? Maybe I was hit by a truck and managed to walk away from the wreckage...
Dickwood: Okay... that's something that actually happened to Warren Peace.
Atken: Really? We can't come up with a single original idea? All we can think of is crap already covered by MY OWN PARTNERS in the match?
Dickwood: Right, we have to rule out your opponents too, can't very well be seen to be mimicing them, that'll go over like a Dutch Astronaut. Which I suppose would cover being faux-repentant...
Atken: Mania.
Dickwood: Captain Swearypants.
Atken: Slade.
Dickwood: Really whiny.
Atken: Harris... or is that Watson? You know what, never mind. That's one isn't going to make me stand out anyway.
Out of the corner of his eye, Phil sees Hank's little doodle in the corner and grabs it out of his hand. He begins waving it in front of Dirk. It seems to be a picture of a rather well-endowed Atken dressed skimpily in the middle of the ring. The picture seems to carefully ignore the flab that would no doubt be noticed otherwise.
Atken: See, this is what happens when you start talking about thongs in front of the impressionable Hank. Now his mind is loaded with filth!
Dickwood: It's still an option though. Hank seems to agree with the idea...
Atken: I AM NOT WEARING A THONG!
Phil scrunches up the picture and launches it towards the rubbish bin. It circles around the rim for a moment and then falls in.
Atken: SWISH!
This time it's Dirk's turn to leap up out of his bed in his own personal eureka moment.
Dickwood: I GOT IT! I know the best way to get praise heaped upon you. The best way to get noticed. The best way to redeem yourself in the eyes of Reginald, the fans and Hank. You need to score the pin. You need to be the one bringing home the big W for Asylum.
Atken: Isn't that just expecting a little bit too much from me Dirk. I mean I know everyone in the match is at a low ebb right now with our tournament rejections but sneaking the pin in such a mess of a match...
Dickwood: It's hard but if you're serious about getting some recognition and recovery it's the best way to do it. I have an idea of how to do it too. Quick! To the scheming room!
Atken: This is the only room we have.
Dickwood: Quick! Stay where you are!
