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Post by connerohare on Jul 8, 2012 1:17:12 GMT -4
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Post by The Soul Of Philly on Jul 8, 2012 9:52:03 GMT -4
- This is just me, but I'm a fan of doing something other than apostrophe's to distinguish speech and narration. That's just me
- Reading the first part, there are some missing words:
"A young is seen working hard inside a ring with a trainer, the young man seems frustrated as his trainer scolds him for doing something wrong once again…." and "'You become as good as I am, if you do not LISTEN and do things the way I teach you to.'"
The second sentence at first I thought you forgot to put "will" but then reading the second part of it, realized you forgot won't. Proofread your stuff
- You used a semi-colon correctly, as a man who has been drilled to know every punctuation mark, every proper use of them, and many other grammatical issues people have, I found this great. I'm different, I know.
- You're very descriptive in your narration when you want to be. Some parts are more defined than others, but one thing i would suggest would be when you are introducing an object in narration, hype it up, so to speak.
What I mean is, in this part:
Conner O’ Hare is standing just outside a local bar; a wide smirk is on his face as he reads the contract once again. He chuckles as he places the papers back into his jacket’s inside pocket and then walks to his waiting car and gets in. He starts the engine and smiles as the Porshe’s engine revs up as he puts it into gear and drives off.
In this part, you talk about his "waiting car" then reveal that its a Porsche. What could have been done was:
Conner O’ Hare is standing just outside a local bar; a wide smirk is on his face as he reads the contract once again. He chuckles as he places the papers back into his jacket’s inside pocket and then walks to his waiting car, a 1997 Porsch 966, and gets in. He starts the engine and smiles as the Porshe’s engine revs up as he puts it into gear and drives off.
Something like that, describe what the car is so we have a picture of the car, especially when you said earlier that you are no longer working for peanuts on the Indy Circuit. With that prior statement, I assumed you were driving a hunk-o-shit car.
- As far as what your character said, it was short, but it got the point across: Rich, talented, stubborn, focused. I would have, though, go a bit more into Conner's father's background more. Was he rich because of wrestling or rich prior to that? How good was he? I find that if you talk about your character's influence, it would be good for you to talk about how much they were an influence and why.
It was a good debut promo, something quick, not to much and it gets the character out there. I'm looking forward to reading your next RP.
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Post by connerohare on Jul 9, 2012 21:34:38 GMT -4
Thank's for the words of wisdom man.  |
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