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Post by The Main Attraction on Jul 10, 2012 17:37:15 GMT -4
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Post by Reaver on Jul 10, 2012 17:51:39 GMT -4
well mannie, the rules for feedback is to always post a link to the rp. just shows wat ya want specifically  |
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Post by The Main Attraction on Jul 10, 2012 21:35:14 GMT -4
Lol no problem it's now linked...Sorry about that!
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Kevin Dahlia
Midcarder
Advance Upon Me, Bretheran.[F4:OddClouds]
Posts: 319
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Post by Kevin Dahlia on Jul 10, 2012 22:43:42 GMT -4
I'm still relatively new, so perhaps I'm out of my place doing this, but nonetheless....
N E G A T I V E . F E E D B A C K . [/U][/color][/size][/BLOCKQUOTE] I've never really been a fan of the use of photos in RP's. I understand that it helps the reader visualize, but I've always kept the mindset of, "if it's going to be involved in the piece of writing, you should be able to describe it good depth". I like to think of roleplays like (very) short-stories. The better writer is the one who comes out on-top, and when pictures are included it kind-of makes me think of children's books, haha. This is a VERY minor nitpick, but just something that irks me personally. I'm also neither a fan of your use of punctuation. I have no frets with ellipsis being used in a more modern, and incorrect since. Where traditionally, they are mean't to indicate that the speaker has stopped in-midst of speaking, people commonly use them as a sign of a dramatic pause. I do it a bit too. But they should be preserved more. I saw quite a few of them, and in a lot of places where just a period would have been suffice. It might be a personal style, but I didn't enjoy the use of description within (), in the area where dialogue was placed. It reminded me too much of theatre scripts. The only reason that's even done is because the actions (i.e description in this case) are predominately decided by the actors. In writing where actions have their own section, it seems peculiar and a tad redundant. I'm a fan of your dialogue, but I think you should break those 'bigger' paragraphs up a bit. It will make your RP look a lot neater, and make it easier to read. Maybe I just have terrible eyesight, but when I'm reading big, chunky paragraphs, I easily get lose when moving down lines, and that does eventually (and unfortunately) detract from the writing. P O S I T I V E . F E E D B A C K . [/U][/BLOCKQUOTE][/SIZE][/color] I like the dialogue you use for your character. It comes out sounding very genuine and life-like. His positioning on points comes out clear and concise, and the gimmick you are running for your character comes off with substantial clarity. Very realistic speech. I heavily enjoyed the use of the flash-back. Besides the point that it was a bit creative and original (at-least from what I've seen over the years), in gave a more in-depth look into YM, on an emotional level, and allowed us, the reader, to make a connection. I like to think that Face or Heel, the writer should find a way to connect with the reader (as an omniscient observer), and make them feel for the character. For Wolves, as an eg. Even though he is a heel, and very condescending, I try and make the backstory something that explains WHY he is an ass. A bit of a peculiar-son-story, if you will. Your flashbacks could do wonders for YM in this regard in the near future. [/font] Notice that I focused more on negative than positive. That isn't to say that you're bad by ANY means. Rather, as someone did for me when I first got here, it's not as helpful to know what your good at, as it is to know what you should work on. There is plenty more positive to be found, but pointing it out wouldn't be much help. Your RP was a good read, and I'm excited to read more as it comes out. [/size] (PS. Let's cyber match sometime. Got some Rainbow Kush that I'm sure Kash is dying to rip.) |
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Post by Jason Cashe on Jul 11, 2012 15:08:56 GMT -4
Yeah, last time Kash smoked with Young Mannie he got a Bong shattered over his head. THANKS RSM..
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Post by The Main Attraction on Jul 11, 2012 15:43:24 GMT -4
@kash *Vin Diesel Voice* You gotta get over that lol
@wolves Good notes man, I'll do my best to apply them and your really right about, most of the writing being my signature thing. I tend to do things in my rps to stand out but I should also apply better descriptions...Thanks again
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Post by Jason Cashe on Jul 11, 2012 15:50:51 GMT -4
That's probably the funniest shit I've ever seen you say Mannie!
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Post by Reaver on Jul 11, 2012 16:35:40 GMT -4
I'm still relatively new, so perhaps I'm out of my place doing this, but nonetheless....
N E G A T I V E . F E E D B A C K . [/U][/color][/size][/BLOCKQUOTE] I've never really been a fan of the use of photos in RP's. I understand that it helps the reader visualize, but I've always kept the mindset of, "if it's going to be involved in the piece of writing, you should be able to describe it good depth". I like to think of roleplays like (very) short-stories. The better writer is the one who comes out on-top, and when pictures are included it kind-of makes me think of children's books, haha. This is a VERY minor nitpick, but just something that irks me personally. I'm also neither a fan of your use of punctuation. I have no frets with ellipsis being used in a more modern, and incorrect since. Where traditionally, they are mean't to indicate that the speaker has stopped in-midst of speaking, people commonly use them as a sign of a dramatic pause. I do it a bit too. But they should be preserved more. I saw quite a few of them, and in a lot of places where just a period would have been suffice. It might be a personal style, but I didn't enjoy the use of description within (), in the area where dialogue was placed. It reminded me too much of theatre scripts. The only reason that's even done is because the actions (i.e description in this case) are predominately decided by the actors. In writing where actions have their own section, it seems peculiar and a tad redundant. I'm a fan of your dialogue, but I think you should break those 'bigger' paragraphs up a bit. It will make your RP look a lot neater, and make it easier to read. Maybe I just have terrible eyesight, but when I'm reading big, chunky paragraphs, I easily get lose when moving down lines, and that does eventually (and unfortunately) detract from the writing. P O S I T I V E . F E E D B A C K . [/U][/BLOCKQUOTE][/SIZE][/color] I like the dialogue you use for your character. It comes out sounding very genuine and life-like. His positioning on points comes out clear and concise, and the gimmick you are running for your character comes off with substantial clarity. Very realistic speech. I heavily enjoyed the use of the flash-back. Besides the point that it was a bit creative and original (at-least from what I've seen over the years), in gave a more in-depth look into YM, on an emotional level, and allowed us, the reader, to make a connection. I like to think that Face or Heel, the writer should find a way to connect with the reader (as an omniscient observer), and make them feel for the character. For Wolves, as an eg. Even though he is a heel, and very condescending, I try and make the backstory something that explains WHY he is an ass. A bit of a peculiar-son-story, if you will. Your flashbacks could do wonders for YM in this regard in the near future. [/font] Notice that I focused more on negative than positive. That isn't to say that you're bad by ANY means. Rather, as someone did for me when I first got here, it's not as helpful to know what your good at, as it is to know what you should work on. There is plenty more positive to be found, but pointing it out wouldn't be much help. Your RP was a good read, and I'm excited to read more as it comes out. [/size] (PS. Let's cyber match sometime. Got some Rainbow Kush that I'm sure Kash is dying to rip.)[/quote] first off id like to say that i wish mannie and cameron would keep their "cybering" secrets out of APW. wat u guys do in private chat rooms via webcam with each other is none of my damn business. NOW aside from this nonesense, he hit the nail on the head except that as a man who uses pictures in promos, i feel that if u use them properly with a light touch, it has a more impactful play (if that make sense) think of it like a pick pocket or a guy who burns his house to get the insurance money :-p |
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Post by Lord Raab on Jul 11, 2012 16:47:16 GMT -4
I personally don't think there's anything wrong on putting pics in RP's. Heck I done it this week with my Stefan one. You just have to put pics in sometimes cos you can't always describe in detail what you are talking about sort of thing.
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