Post by Jules on Jul 14, 2012 11:26:03 GMT -4
The scene opens in the home of Julius Farquhar. The Tap Out Champion seems to be dreaming, and a good one judging by the smile on his face. Phil has snuck up to him, puts a finger on his mouth to signal silence, then gently pokes Julius who wakes with a start, then lets out a frightened gasp as he sees the face of Phil just inches from his.
Phil: It’s okay Jules, it’s just me, Phil.
Julius: You good for nothing...you scared the life out of me. What are you doing here?
Phil: It’s 4.30, so I’m here like you asked.
Julius looks at Phil blankly.
Phil: The interview?
Julius: Oh yes, of course.
Julius straightens himself up and makes sure his quiff is perfectly set.
Phil: So were you dreaming of something nice?
Julius, still a bit ruffled by suddenly being woken, looks at Phil quizzically.
Phil: When you were sleeping it seemed like you were enjoying an animated dream.
Julius: Oh yes, it was quite marvellous. I was dreaming about winning the World Title and having the whole of Asylum bow down to me. It was quite something.
Phil: I’m sure it was, and well, that’s what this match on Sunday is all about, right?
Julius: Oh Phillip, I am so excited. Even I must admit there were times when I never thought this day would come, such is the depth of hatred and jealousy harboured by my enemies. But justice prevails and now I have the opportunity to set the world to rights, and I intend on beginning with Asylum.
Phil: And the world title will help you to achieve that?
Julius: Of course. With those 40lbs of gold around my waist no doors will be closed to me anymore. I will be the one making the demands and giving out the orders around here, not some grey-haired sap in a cheap suit. Finally, everyone will be forced to except that I am the pinnacle of the whole wrestling world, and I will have done it by my own endeavours, and shown everyone that no force can reckon with the Quintessentially English. Forget about the turbulence in the jet stream, the winds of change are mine and the destiny that awaits me on Sunday is irreversible.
Phil: So, you’re Quintessentially English and nobody else is, so you’re gonna win, dah dah dah. Is that about the face of it?
Julius: What do you mean, is that about the face of it? Of course my undeniably superiority in character makes me the stand-out star, but I know that wrestling is a complex sport and what is on paper does not always dictate the final outcome.
Phil: So you’re finally starting to get it.
Julius: I do not like the cut of your jib, Phillip. Anyway, something Jason Kash said this week set my mind to thinking.
Phil: That must be a first.
Julius: Indeed. Anyway, Mr. Kash spoke of how actions in the ring are all that matter, and of course he is quite correct. You see, on the face of it nobody in APW can stand next to me for sheer excellence of character, but unfortunately in the wrestling ring the bad and corrupt can overcome the good and righteous, demonstrated by no better example than Sally Talfourd beating me a few months ago.
Phil: So what’s your point?
Julius: My point is that on this occasion I must also factor my opponent’s style, as well as considerable other relevant facts, if I am to achieve what destiny has chosen for me. Let us begin with Sally Talfourd. She is easily the most deceitful of my foes. Just look at her, she looks like butter would not melt in her mouth, nevermind setting an arena of savages ablaze in a voyeuristic frenzy.
Phil: She does that alright. She’s gorgeous!
Julius: You really are an obscene little man, Philip. *Phil blushes at his outburst, Julius continues* But this is my point. She looks like a child, and the way she speaks, in that patronising tone of voice, suggests she is presenting children’s TV not preparing for hand-to-hand combat. But that is all part of the rouse because Sally Talfourd is absolutely demonic in the ring.
Phil: So you’re agreeing she is the biggest threat?
Julius: Biggest threat? Dear me Philip, this is why you ask the questions and I break the bones. Sally Talfourd is a very able competitor when it comes to one-on-one combat because she is unlike any other wrestler on the roster. She is quick and nimble which makes her very difficult to pin down, and because she is so small in physical stature one always has terrible difficulty obtaining an equivalent sparring partner. She is an ultra-confident young woman and I have seen first-hand how she is nourished by the adulation of the audience to achieve the seemingly unachievable.
Phil: *with a dreamy glint in his eyes* She is quite something.
Julius: If you will let me finish. However, put her in a ring against many foes and she becomes an entirely different proposition. I know she did splendidly well at Test For The Best, but what she has not reckoned with is that on Sunday she is going to be a vastly out-gunned competitor in the ring with three much larger athletes at the same time, and, notwithstanding the fact these three competitors categorically hate her guts and are going to want to rip her into pieces in the manner of a pack of rabid wolves.
Phil looks crestfallen at the image Julius is painting.
Julius: As much as it pains me to admit that Miss Talfourd is a fierce competitor, the fact is she is an anomaly, albeit a very dangerous one. However, the key thing about anomalies is that they must be balanced out in every equation in order for it to be valid and consistent. Sally Talfourd as the World Champion is, these days, a nonsensical equation; Julius Farquhar as World Champion is an equation singing in perfect harmony.
Phil: Okay, but what about Jason Kash? He isn’t what you might call ‘an anomaly’, he knows better than anyone in the field what it means, and what it takes, to be a World Champion on Asylum.
Julius: Okay, and what is your analysis, Philip?
Phil: Well, Kash is an instinctive animal. He’s all about the violence, reacting to the threats, responding by intuition, and overcoming difficult situations.
Julius: Yes, I see what you mean. What you are saying is that Jason Kash is a man who wrestles by giving no measure to his cognitive faculties.
Phil: That’s not what I’m say... *Julius cuts fill Phil off*
Julius: I know that Mr. Kash is very proud of his beastly nature and is smug in his jibes at those who value education. That may work in his world, in a context where he is allowed to wrestle humans who cannot be differentiated from primates in the glorified freak shows Reginald has recently dubbed ‘Asylum Main Events’. However, in the Quintessentially English Mr. Kash is not just dealing with a different type of animal, he is faced with an elevated species.
Julius puffs out his chest.
Julius: Jason Kash can bring all his instincts with him to the ring, but against my scientific wrestling he can expect little advance. I will have every move and every tick and gesture that foretells of every move analysed and deconstructed ahead of this match. I will be so prepared and will so methodically study each of my opponents that I will be able to tell each of them when they are about to take in a breath of air before they even begin to do it. It is time for the world to be introduced to a new kind of wrestling, and it is time to take Asylum out of the gutter as a sporting spectacle and into the lofty heights of Quintessentially English sophistication. I will show you all how this is done on Sunday with the application of my three Es – Excellence, Efficacy, and above all else, Englishness.
Julius: Jason Kash glibly dismisses any reference to history, well he is right in many ways because Sunday night is not about reliving but making history. However, let us not forget the lessons we learn, and the most important Jason Kash needs to bear in mind is that in every epoch has been succeeded by one that was technologically and intellectually superior to it. Like the barbarians of the past it is people like Jason Kash who want to hold the world back, in this case they want to stop Asylum becoming the pinnacle of not just the wrestling world, but the whole sporting world. The march of progress towards a Quintessentially English era is coming, Mr. Kash, and you can either choose to follow the footsteps of past barbarians and fight against progress, or you can jump on board. However, bear in mind that the force of righteousness will prevail and if one doth protest too boldly one will be squashed like a stubborn hedgehog by the wheels of my Empire.
Phil: So that leaves Callahan. Even you must admit here is a man whose wrestling heart is after your own.
Julius thoughtfully pondered Phil controversial proposition.
Julius: I think there may be some similarities. I think Mr. Callahan certainly shares my scientific approach to wrestling, and like all men who see themselves as champions he embodies the ruthlessness that a ruler of weak-hearted souls needs. Twice I have seen him rigidly apply a hold that forced his opponent not to give up, but to buckle under the weight of pressure and give out completely to unconsciousness.
Phil: True, but what about the thought that in spite of an impressive record he hasn’t been sufficiently tested.
Julius: I think only a fool could give credence to such a notion. There is no doubt in my mind that Mr. Callahan is a charlatan shouting from the rooftops a most heinous concept of progress, but even if his ends are corrupt his method is almost flawless.
Phil: Almost flawless?
Julius: Yes. In the guise of a benevolent imperialistic coming forth to sweep away decadence with a rising tsunami of righteousness he is not; instead he is in the image of the conquistadores, those corrupt and vile vermin who sought robbery in order to the satisfy their own greed and the propagation of their ill-kind. Mr. Callahan’s ends are selfish and brutish, not philanthropic like my own. The world does not need another politician who feeds on laziness and apathy, instead they require a kind dictator who will raise everyone else merely by the casting of his own shadow.
Phil: You cannot be serious! You are Callahan are alike – you both demand the attention; you both want to stomp all over everyone for your own benefit.
Julius: Like a true unbeliever you see chains where there is only freedom.
Phil: But you want everyone to be subordinate to you. That isn’t freedom.
Julius: It is freedom to bask in the shadow of true greatness. Quintessentially English greatness.
Phil simply shook his head in disbelief at this poisonous philosophy.
Julius: Anyway, you distract me. I’m not asking you understand, after pigs cannot understand what it means to be an eagle.
Phil: Here we go again.
Julius ignores Phil’s sarcasm.
Julius: All that matters now is that say that Sunday will be my day. Not only because I am superior in attitude and character to my enemies; not only because the hand of righteousness deserves to spank the backside of depravity; not just because I am technically superior to my opponents; not just because I am the only person in the ring on Sunday who can say they have not just beaten Anthony Bailey, but have made that one-pump chump tap like a troupe of bare footed dancers on a hot plate.
Julius: Not just because of all of this, but because I am the only Quintessentially English wrestler in the world and it is time for you all to PAY HOMAGE.
And with that Julius brings to a close this latest instalment of ‘Life, the Universe, and the Quintessentially English’.
Phil: It’s okay Jules, it’s just me, Phil.
Julius: You good for nothing...you scared the life out of me. What are you doing here?
Phil: It’s 4.30, so I’m here like you asked.
Julius looks at Phil blankly.
Phil: The interview?
Julius: Oh yes, of course.
Julius straightens himself up and makes sure his quiff is perfectly set.
Phil: So were you dreaming of something nice?
Julius, still a bit ruffled by suddenly being woken, looks at Phil quizzically.
Phil: When you were sleeping it seemed like you were enjoying an animated dream.
Julius: Oh yes, it was quite marvellous. I was dreaming about winning the World Title and having the whole of Asylum bow down to me. It was quite something.
Phil: I’m sure it was, and well, that’s what this match on Sunday is all about, right?
Julius: Oh Phillip, I am so excited. Even I must admit there were times when I never thought this day would come, such is the depth of hatred and jealousy harboured by my enemies. But justice prevails and now I have the opportunity to set the world to rights, and I intend on beginning with Asylum.
Phil: And the world title will help you to achieve that?
Julius: Of course. With those 40lbs of gold around my waist no doors will be closed to me anymore. I will be the one making the demands and giving out the orders around here, not some grey-haired sap in a cheap suit. Finally, everyone will be forced to except that I am the pinnacle of the whole wrestling world, and I will have done it by my own endeavours, and shown everyone that no force can reckon with the Quintessentially English. Forget about the turbulence in the jet stream, the winds of change are mine and the destiny that awaits me on Sunday is irreversible.
Phil: So, you’re Quintessentially English and nobody else is, so you’re gonna win, dah dah dah. Is that about the face of it?
Julius: What do you mean, is that about the face of it? Of course my undeniably superiority in character makes me the stand-out star, but I know that wrestling is a complex sport and what is on paper does not always dictate the final outcome.
Phil: So you’re finally starting to get it.
Julius: I do not like the cut of your jib, Phillip. Anyway, something Jason Kash said this week set my mind to thinking.
Phil: That must be a first.
Julius: Indeed. Anyway, Mr. Kash spoke of how actions in the ring are all that matter, and of course he is quite correct. You see, on the face of it nobody in APW can stand next to me for sheer excellence of character, but unfortunately in the wrestling ring the bad and corrupt can overcome the good and righteous, demonstrated by no better example than Sally Talfourd beating me a few months ago.
Phil: So what’s your point?
Julius: My point is that on this occasion I must also factor my opponent’s style, as well as considerable other relevant facts, if I am to achieve what destiny has chosen for me. Let us begin with Sally Talfourd. She is easily the most deceitful of my foes. Just look at her, she looks like butter would not melt in her mouth, nevermind setting an arena of savages ablaze in a voyeuristic frenzy.
Phil: She does that alright. She’s gorgeous!
Julius: You really are an obscene little man, Philip. *Phil blushes at his outburst, Julius continues* But this is my point. She looks like a child, and the way she speaks, in that patronising tone of voice, suggests she is presenting children’s TV not preparing for hand-to-hand combat. But that is all part of the rouse because Sally Talfourd is absolutely demonic in the ring.
Phil: So you’re agreeing she is the biggest threat?
Julius: Biggest threat? Dear me Philip, this is why you ask the questions and I break the bones. Sally Talfourd is a very able competitor when it comes to one-on-one combat because she is unlike any other wrestler on the roster. She is quick and nimble which makes her very difficult to pin down, and because she is so small in physical stature one always has terrible difficulty obtaining an equivalent sparring partner. She is an ultra-confident young woman and I have seen first-hand how she is nourished by the adulation of the audience to achieve the seemingly unachievable.
Phil: *with a dreamy glint in his eyes* She is quite something.
Julius: If you will let me finish. However, put her in a ring against many foes and she becomes an entirely different proposition. I know she did splendidly well at Test For The Best, but what she has not reckoned with is that on Sunday she is going to be a vastly out-gunned competitor in the ring with three much larger athletes at the same time, and, notwithstanding the fact these three competitors categorically hate her guts and are going to want to rip her into pieces in the manner of a pack of rabid wolves.
Phil looks crestfallen at the image Julius is painting.
Julius: As much as it pains me to admit that Miss Talfourd is a fierce competitor, the fact is she is an anomaly, albeit a very dangerous one. However, the key thing about anomalies is that they must be balanced out in every equation in order for it to be valid and consistent. Sally Talfourd as the World Champion is, these days, a nonsensical equation; Julius Farquhar as World Champion is an equation singing in perfect harmony.
Phil: Okay, but what about Jason Kash? He isn’t what you might call ‘an anomaly’, he knows better than anyone in the field what it means, and what it takes, to be a World Champion on Asylum.
Julius: Okay, and what is your analysis, Philip?
Phil: Well, Kash is an instinctive animal. He’s all about the violence, reacting to the threats, responding by intuition, and overcoming difficult situations.
Julius: Yes, I see what you mean. What you are saying is that Jason Kash is a man who wrestles by giving no measure to his cognitive faculties.
Phil: That’s not what I’m say... *Julius cuts fill Phil off*
Julius: I know that Mr. Kash is very proud of his beastly nature and is smug in his jibes at those who value education. That may work in his world, in a context where he is allowed to wrestle humans who cannot be differentiated from primates in the glorified freak shows Reginald has recently dubbed ‘Asylum Main Events’. However, in the Quintessentially English Mr. Kash is not just dealing with a different type of animal, he is faced with an elevated species.
Julius puffs out his chest.
Julius: Jason Kash can bring all his instincts with him to the ring, but against my scientific wrestling he can expect little advance. I will have every move and every tick and gesture that foretells of every move analysed and deconstructed ahead of this match. I will be so prepared and will so methodically study each of my opponents that I will be able to tell each of them when they are about to take in a breath of air before they even begin to do it. It is time for the world to be introduced to a new kind of wrestling, and it is time to take Asylum out of the gutter as a sporting spectacle and into the lofty heights of Quintessentially English sophistication. I will show you all how this is done on Sunday with the application of my three Es – Excellence, Efficacy, and above all else, Englishness.
Julius: Jason Kash glibly dismisses any reference to history, well he is right in many ways because Sunday night is not about reliving but making history. However, let us not forget the lessons we learn, and the most important Jason Kash needs to bear in mind is that in every epoch has been succeeded by one that was technologically and intellectually superior to it. Like the barbarians of the past it is people like Jason Kash who want to hold the world back, in this case they want to stop Asylum becoming the pinnacle of not just the wrestling world, but the whole sporting world. The march of progress towards a Quintessentially English era is coming, Mr. Kash, and you can either choose to follow the footsteps of past barbarians and fight against progress, or you can jump on board. However, bear in mind that the force of righteousness will prevail and if one doth protest too boldly one will be squashed like a stubborn hedgehog by the wheels of my Empire.
Phil: So that leaves Callahan. Even you must admit here is a man whose wrestling heart is after your own.
Julius thoughtfully pondered Phil controversial proposition.
Julius: I think there may be some similarities. I think Mr. Callahan certainly shares my scientific approach to wrestling, and like all men who see themselves as champions he embodies the ruthlessness that a ruler of weak-hearted souls needs. Twice I have seen him rigidly apply a hold that forced his opponent not to give up, but to buckle under the weight of pressure and give out completely to unconsciousness.
Phil: True, but what about the thought that in spite of an impressive record he hasn’t been sufficiently tested.
Julius: I think only a fool could give credence to such a notion. There is no doubt in my mind that Mr. Callahan is a charlatan shouting from the rooftops a most heinous concept of progress, but even if his ends are corrupt his method is almost flawless.
Phil: Almost flawless?
Julius: Yes. In the guise of a benevolent imperialistic coming forth to sweep away decadence with a rising tsunami of righteousness he is not; instead he is in the image of the conquistadores, those corrupt and vile vermin who sought robbery in order to the satisfy their own greed and the propagation of their ill-kind. Mr. Callahan’s ends are selfish and brutish, not philanthropic like my own. The world does not need another politician who feeds on laziness and apathy, instead they require a kind dictator who will raise everyone else merely by the casting of his own shadow.
Phil: You cannot be serious! You are Callahan are alike – you both demand the attention; you both want to stomp all over everyone for your own benefit.
Julius: Like a true unbeliever you see chains where there is only freedom.
Phil: But you want everyone to be subordinate to you. That isn’t freedom.
Julius: It is freedom to bask in the shadow of true greatness. Quintessentially English greatness.
Phil simply shook his head in disbelief at this poisonous philosophy.
Julius: Anyway, you distract me. I’m not asking you understand, after pigs cannot understand what it means to be an eagle.
Phil: Here we go again.
Julius ignores Phil’s sarcasm.
Julius: All that matters now is that say that Sunday will be my day. Not only because I am superior in attitude and character to my enemies; not only because the hand of righteousness deserves to spank the backside of depravity; not just because I am technically superior to my opponents; not just because I am the only person in the ring on Sunday who can say they have not just beaten Anthony Bailey, but have made that one-pump chump tap like a troupe of bare footed dancers on a hot plate.
Julius: Not just because of all of this, but because I am the only Quintessentially English wrestler in the world and it is time for you all to PAY HOMAGE.
And with that Julius brings to a close this latest instalment of ‘Life, the Universe, and the Quintessentially English’.
