Post by Michael Callahan on Jul 14, 2012 18:56:27 GMT -4
Below the countryside fortress that is Callahan's Kelso home affectionately dubbed “Camp Callahan” lies the basement den where the American Hero goes to unravel and unwind after a stressful day and it was here that the man himself could be found. Having had his personal assistant Vikki Lahm open up to him about hidden feelings for him, advances which he rudely blew off he's now recovering from the guilt by playing some Xbox Live with his old friend ThugShadow and draining a hefty bottle of Teacher's Scotch. Connecting to the party, the comaraderie between the two is as warm as ever.
Michael Callahan: ”ThugShadow! Hi!”
ThugShadow: “Ret! How's it going mate?”
Michael Callahan: ”It's good my man, really good. You catch Test for the Best?”
ThugShadow: “Course I did. Couldn't wait to see the home-side give the boot to my favourite stuck-up Yank could I?”
Michael Callahan: ”Sucks to be you then huh? Watching me defy expectations and tear apart Braveheart to retain my belt? It was awesome.”
ThugShadow: “Yeah mate. It was a good match to be fair, you're a proper knob for getting involved in the Lumberjack match though.”
As Callahan and ThugShadow exchange opinions on Test for the Best, Callahan pops open his disk drive and puts in a copy of military “FPS” “Battlefield 3” to indulge in some Marine reminiscining.
Michael Callahan: ”I made Anthony Bailey a World Champion and I think that made people happy.”
ThugShadow: “It's not the ending people wanted.”
Michael Callahan: ”When you're a shaker and mover, you do what you want to get the ball rolling. I saved everyone from a boring match and made it awesome again. Say, wanna play a game?
ThugShadow: “Battlefield 3?”
Michael Callahan: ”Cool. I'm already on the main menu, just send us an invite when you're ready.”
ThugShadow: “Alright sweet. Sent it now.”
The idiosyncratic “boop” of the Xbox notification rang in Callahan's slightly tipsy ears as he picked up his controller and accepted the game invite to be thrown into a lobby with his British friend. He knew this was going to be a good session.
Michael Callahan: ”Cool. Accepting it now... and I'm in.”
ThugShadow: “I just hope you're not as shit at Battlefield as you are at wrestling.”
Soon they two men, one an athlete and the other an out of shape and overweight British twenty something are transported into a war zone as brothers in arms. Already the expert strategies of Callahan come out.
Michael Callahan: ”I'm amazing at Battlefield, yes. Drop down an ammo crate will you? Save me having to ask later. I'll watch the left flank, you get up ahead. SkilletFan has the right hand side of this building.”
ThugShadow: “Alright, on it. Drop a health kit then.”
Michael Callahan: ”Cool. You seen the line-up for Asylum this week? Some good matches this week.”
ThugShadow: “Aye, number one contenders match for the World Heavyweight Championship innit? Fatal Four-Way. Should be class.”
Michael Callahan: ”Word. It's gonna' be intense. Who do you think will win?”
ThugShadow: “Gotta' back the home country mate, Julius Farquhar. The lad's a nonce but he 's English so I've got to back him.”
Michael Callahan: ”What the Hell is a nonce?”
ThugShadow: Like a paedo?
Callahan can't help but cringe at this rather blunt assumption about the sexual orientation of Farquhar. Although he'll come up with many a creative way to insult his opponents, he'd never make criminal accusations against them of such a wild and positively career destroying nature. Unless of course they were true.
Michael Callahan: ”Julius Farquhar is a wealth of negative nouns but a nonce he is not. How dare you insinuate dirty things about The Quintessential's love life? Especially when I can tell you some truths. Wanna hear dirt about Julius Farquhar? Lemme tell you. Farquhar is a man who's universally disliked in the locker room because he's got that Mariah Carey demanding reputation about him. When he arrived at the hotels in our tour of South America, y'know he demanded that the hotel staff get him an assortment of various postal stamps so he could add them to his collection? He also asked only to drink mineral water bottled by blind monks in the mountain monasteries of Argentina. ”
ThugShadow: “Is that true?”
Michael Callahan: ”Hell yeah. He refused to accept an ordinary quilt cover for his bed. He insisted that the bed linen be made from the flesh of children and that there must be an hourly sacrifice during his stay. Jokes aside, he actually hangs up English banners around the arena and Anti-American propaganda to try and convert people to his corrupt, elitist little monarchy. I've never been one to sympathise with micks but Gerry Adams has the right idea about self-determination and the right to choose leaders. People choose me to represent them in the wrestling ring. They don't follow Farquhar because of some synthetic claim to wrestling royalty and this is why he'll never be World Champion no matter how skilled he is because like Francis Fukuyama said; Democracy is the final form of socio-cultural advancement. Once Farquhar accepts that? He'll be on my level but until then, he'll be nothing but an elitist Callahan-lite without the wrestling chops.”
ThugShadow: “That's a bit harsh. Thing is though, he's just beaten Anthony Bailey for the Tap Out title. What's to say he can't do it again for the World?”
Michael Callahan: ”Because while that assertion is true ThugShadow, the fact remains that Farquhar will not be getting the chance to take Bailey's title-shot because unless he somehow manages to pin Sally Talfourd or Jason Kash, it'll be me going ot Shockwave to take on the World's Heavyweight Champion. Farquhar's incompetence is the reason he and I lost to Kenta Kobashi and that outrageous dufus Phil Atken, not mine. I was not the one pinned. He was. Without question, he will be the victim of someone's pinfall or submission and not me because he is a cretinous hack with bad ideas.”
ThugShadow: Better than Jason Kash though surely. I hate that bald idiot myself. Thinking he's so cool because he smokes. What a ret. When I was fourteen I used to smoke a bit of weed but I didn't used to big it up and draw pot leaves on all my stuff because I thought it made me cool. People who do that are just attention seeking bellends who think they're bad boys because they're taking drugs.
If Callahan were a little more drunk, he could almost be forgiven for thinking that he was listening to himself speak. The words of ThugShadow's anti-marijuana policy resounded very heavily with the Scotch swilling Republican who grunted his agreement as he threw back another swig of Scotch from the glass.
Michael Callahan: ”For once? I think I agree with you. My attack at Asylum's main event was not solely to grant Anthony Bailey a rightful place in the record books as a World Champion but to finally end the reign of Jason Kash which only jeopardised the already dire reputation of this soon to be great brand of wrestling.”
ThugShadow: “That and so he wouldn't beat you to the Chambers record.”
Michael Callahan: ”Maybe. All I know is that Kash has predictably gone right off the rails now that he's lost his little world title. He was losing his grip before hand when he went batty doo-lally and broke into Anthony Bailey's house and burnt his girlfriend and raped his hi-fi or something. Now he's gone Wacko Kasho on us all and will probably turn up to wrestle in handcuffs. Hopefully the penny will drop that his sham of a so-called legacy is over, that his days of ducking true challengers like myself and Anthony Bailey will be well and truly laid to eternal rest. It's no secret that I had ambitions to go for that title and Kash took every opportunity he could to parry my challenges because he knew that beyond all of his conceited trash-talk and pot leaves that he was a hollow, white-trash shell of a man who could never hope to out-wrestle me. Not in a million years.”
ThugShadow's soldier just in view on the right side of Callahan's screen fires a burst of heavy machine gun fire off into the distance from behind cover and is rewarded with a satisfying kill for his accuracy.
ThugShadow: “Phwoaaaar. Headshot there mate.”
Michael Callahan: ”I know due. Fancy jumping in that chopper? I'm a good pi-oh someone blew it up. Gatling gun time.”
ThugShadow: “True that. I'm so jealous of you y'know. You get to stand in the same ring as Sally Talfourd. As a technical wrestler which is largely a rough sex/touchy-feely approach to the sport, you must be in absolute bliss.”
Michael Callahan: ”Many many years ago I would've agreed with you... I used to love her. Until I saw her for the vile harpy that she is.”
Callahan shudders at his past “idiocies”, recalling how he declared his love to her mid-match only to get coldly rejected in front of everyone. He realised now that he knew how Vikki felt before only without the crowd.
ThugShadow: “She's so fit though. Like I don't really like American women and I'd still rag her senseless.”
Michael Callahan: ”Disgusting as that is, I love how I've more or less managed to ruin her entire life just by beating her in a wrestling match.”
ThugShadow: “What'cha mean?”
Michael Callahan: ”You see the last eight or so Happy Endings where she's questioning her entire existence just because I beat her? It's hilarious. That girl's overstacked self-worth is on such precarious, wobbly foundations that all it takes for me is to beat her once and because she can't accept that she lost on the night she has to reevaluate her entire life. As if I'm some inferior athlete that she should've walked over. What a disgusting display of disrespect right? She thought she was so much better than me that in the end she destroyed herself because of her inability to take me seriously as a threat and yet far from learning her lesson, she's still thinking that she's better than me. She thinks that she's made herself stronger, more powerful, more capable. So what? So have I.”
ThugShadow: “She's gotten better though. She's come back and fighting harder than ever. I reckon you're underestimating her now.”
Things are looking bleak for Callahan and Shadow's US victory. They're doing well but the rest of the team aren't picking up the pace to match them both.
Michael Callahan: ”Has she though? We're losing this game by the way, keep shooting. Before Cally met Sally, Sally used to run to the ring with this shine to her gifted to her by Athena as if she had the power of women's determination. This amazing get up and go that meant she could just keep fighting and partying forever even when nobody else could be bothered. That's what made her successful. Now she doesn't bother. Now she just grins and makes her way slowly towards the ring with trepidation knowing that the threat of another thrashing is just around the corner. I knocked the glint out of Sally Talfourd's eye. I broke her spirit, made her reevaluate her entire wrestling career and quite possibly drove her towards an early retirement. If I beat her again this week? She'll probably end up suicidal. Nice one, we lost the game and it's all your fault.”
And with that, Callahan takes another deep swig of scotch and carries on playing his game for several hours as he tries to take the pre-flight nerves off with drink. Air travel is one of Callahan's secret phobia's and it's alcohol that sucks up the fear for him whether you believe that or not.
Fade out.
Michael Callahan: ”ThugShadow! Hi!”
ThugShadow: “Ret! How's it going mate?”
Michael Callahan: ”It's good my man, really good. You catch Test for the Best?”
ThugShadow: “Course I did. Couldn't wait to see the home-side give the boot to my favourite stuck-up Yank could I?”
Michael Callahan: ”Sucks to be you then huh? Watching me defy expectations and tear apart Braveheart to retain my belt? It was awesome.”
ThugShadow: “Yeah mate. It was a good match to be fair, you're a proper knob for getting involved in the Lumberjack match though.”
As Callahan and ThugShadow exchange opinions on Test for the Best, Callahan pops open his disk drive and puts in a copy of military “FPS” “Battlefield 3” to indulge in some Marine reminiscining.
Michael Callahan: ”I made Anthony Bailey a World Champion and I think that made people happy.”
ThugShadow: “It's not the ending people wanted.”
Michael Callahan: ”When you're a shaker and mover, you do what you want to get the ball rolling. I saved everyone from a boring match and made it awesome again. Say, wanna play a game?
ThugShadow: “Battlefield 3?”
Michael Callahan: ”Cool. I'm already on the main menu, just send us an invite when you're ready.”
ThugShadow: “Alright sweet. Sent it now.”
The idiosyncratic “boop” of the Xbox notification rang in Callahan's slightly tipsy ears as he picked up his controller and accepted the game invite to be thrown into a lobby with his British friend. He knew this was going to be a good session.
Michael Callahan: ”Cool. Accepting it now... and I'm in.”
ThugShadow: “I just hope you're not as shit at Battlefield as you are at wrestling.”
Soon they two men, one an athlete and the other an out of shape and overweight British twenty something are transported into a war zone as brothers in arms. Already the expert strategies of Callahan come out.
Michael Callahan: ”I'm amazing at Battlefield, yes. Drop down an ammo crate will you? Save me having to ask later. I'll watch the left flank, you get up ahead. SkilletFan has the right hand side of this building.”
ThugShadow: “Alright, on it. Drop a health kit then.”
Michael Callahan: ”Cool. You seen the line-up for Asylum this week? Some good matches this week.”
ThugShadow: “Aye, number one contenders match for the World Heavyweight Championship innit? Fatal Four-Way. Should be class.”
Michael Callahan: ”Word. It's gonna' be intense. Who do you think will win?”
ThugShadow: “Gotta' back the home country mate, Julius Farquhar. The lad's a nonce but he 's English so I've got to back him.”
Michael Callahan: ”What the Hell is a nonce?”
ThugShadow: Like a paedo?
Callahan can't help but cringe at this rather blunt assumption about the sexual orientation of Farquhar. Although he'll come up with many a creative way to insult his opponents, he'd never make criminal accusations against them of such a wild and positively career destroying nature. Unless of course they were true.
Michael Callahan: ”Julius Farquhar is a wealth of negative nouns but a nonce he is not. How dare you insinuate dirty things about The Quintessential's love life? Especially when I can tell you some truths. Wanna hear dirt about Julius Farquhar? Lemme tell you. Farquhar is a man who's universally disliked in the locker room because he's got that Mariah Carey demanding reputation about him. When he arrived at the hotels in our tour of South America, y'know he demanded that the hotel staff get him an assortment of various postal stamps so he could add them to his collection? He also asked only to drink mineral water bottled by blind monks in the mountain monasteries of Argentina. ”
ThugShadow: “Is that true?”
Michael Callahan: ”Hell yeah. He refused to accept an ordinary quilt cover for his bed. He insisted that the bed linen be made from the flesh of children and that there must be an hourly sacrifice during his stay. Jokes aside, he actually hangs up English banners around the arena and Anti-American propaganda to try and convert people to his corrupt, elitist little monarchy. I've never been one to sympathise with micks but Gerry Adams has the right idea about self-determination and the right to choose leaders. People choose me to represent them in the wrestling ring. They don't follow Farquhar because of some synthetic claim to wrestling royalty and this is why he'll never be World Champion no matter how skilled he is because like Francis Fukuyama said; Democracy is the final form of socio-cultural advancement. Once Farquhar accepts that? He'll be on my level but until then, he'll be nothing but an elitist Callahan-lite without the wrestling chops.”
ThugShadow: “That's a bit harsh. Thing is though, he's just beaten Anthony Bailey for the Tap Out title. What's to say he can't do it again for the World?”
Michael Callahan: ”Because while that assertion is true ThugShadow, the fact remains that Farquhar will not be getting the chance to take Bailey's title-shot because unless he somehow manages to pin Sally Talfourd or Jason Kash, it'll be me going ot Shockwave to take on the World's Heavyweight Champion. Farquhar's incompetence is the reason he and I lost to Kenta Kobashi and that outrageous dufus Phil Atken, not mine. I was not the one pinned. He was. Without question, he will be the victim of someone's pinfall or submission and not me because he is a cretinous hack with bad ideas.”
ThugShadow: Better than Jason Kash though surely. I hate that bald idiot myself. Thinking he's so cool because he smokes. What a ret. When I was fourteen I used to smoke a bit of weed but I didn't used to big it up and draw pot leaves on all my stuff because I thought it made me cool. People who do that are just attention seeking bellends who think they're bad boys because they're taking drugs.
If Callahan were a little more drunk, he could almost be forgiven for thinking that he was listening to himself speak. The words of ThugShadow's anti-marijuana policy resounded very heavily with the Scotch swilling Republican who grunted his agreement as he threw back another swig of Scotch from the glass.
Michael Callahan: ”For once? I think I agree with you. My attack at Asylum's main event was not solely to grant Anthony Bailey a rightful place in the record books as a World Champion but to finally end the reign of Jason Kash which only jeopardised the already dire reputation of this soon to be great brand of wrestling.”
ThugShadow: “That and so he wouldn't beat you to the Chambers record.”
Michael Callahan: ”Maybe. All I know is that Kash has predictably gone right off the rails now that he's lost his little world title. He was losing his grip before hand when he went batty doo-lally and broke into Anthony Bailey's house and burnt his girlfriend and raped his hi-fi or something. Now he's gone Wacko Kasho on us all and will probably turn up to wrestle in handcuffs. Hopefully the penny will drop that his sham of a so-called legacy is over, that his days of ducking true challengers like myself and Anthony Bailey will be well and truly laid to eternal rest. It's no secret that I had ambitions to go for that title and Kash took every opportunity he could to parry my challenges because he knew that beyond all of his conceited trash-talk and pot leaves that he was a hollow, white-trash shell of a man who could never hope to out-wrestle me. Not in a million years.”
ThugShadow's soldier just in view on the right side of Callahan's screen fires a burst of heavy machine gun fire off into the distance from behind cover and is rewarded with a satisfying kill for his accuracy.
ThugShadow: “Phwoaaaar. Headshot there mate.”
Michael Callahan: ”I know due. Fancy jumping in that chopper? I'm a good pi-oh someone blew it up. Gatling gun time.”
ThugShadow: “True that. I'm so jealous of you y'know. You get to stand in the same ring as Sally Talfourd. As a technical wrestler which is largely a rough sex/touchy-feely approach to the sport, you must be in absolute bliss.”
Michael Callahan: ”Many many years ago I would've agreed with you... I used to love her. Until I saw her for the vile harpy that she is.”
Callahan shudders at his past “idiocies”, recalling how he declared his love to her mid-match only to get coldly rejected in front of everyone. He realised now that he knew how Vikki felt before only without the crowd.
ThugShadow: “She's so fit though. Like I don't really like American women and I'd still rag her senseless.”
Michael Callahan: ”Disgusting as that is, I love how I've more or less managed to ruin her entire life just by beating her in a wrestling match.”
ThugShadow: “What'cha mean?”
Michael Callahan: ”You see the last eight or so Happy Endings where she's questioning her entire existence just because I beat her? It's hilarious. That girl's overstacked self-worth is on such precarious, wobbly foundations that all it takes for me is to beat her once and because she can't accept that she lost on the night she has to reevaluate her entire life. As if I'm some inferior athlete that she should've walked over. What a disgusting display of disrespect right? She thought she was so much better than me that in the end she destroyed herself because of her inability to take me seriously as a threat and yet far from learning her lesson, she's still thinking that she's better than me. She thinks that she's made herself stronger, more powerful, more capable. So what? So have I.”
ThugShadow: “She's gotten better though. She's come back and fighting harder than ever. I reckon you're underestimating her now.”
Things are looking bleak for Callahan and Shadow's US victory. They're doing well but the rest of the team aren't picking up the pace to match them both.
Michael Callahan: ”Has she though? We're losing this game by the way, keep shooting. Before Cally met Sally, Sally used to run to the ring with this shine to her gifted to her by Athena as if she had the power of women's determination. This amazing get up and go that meant she could just keep fighting and partying forever even when nobody else could be bothered. That's what made her successful. Now she doesn't bother. Now she just grins and makes her way slowly towards the ring with trepidation knowing that the threat of another thrashing is just around the corner. I knocked the glint out of Sally Talfourd's eye. I broke her spirit, made her reevaluate her entire wrestling career and quite possibly drove her towards an early retirement. If I beat her again this week? She'll probably end up suicidal. Nice one, we lost the game and it's all your fault.”
And with that, Callahan takes another deep swig of scotch and carries on playing his game for several hours as he tries to take the pre-flight nerves off with drink. Air travel is one of Callahan's secret phobia's and it's alcohol that sucks up the fear for him whether you believe that or not.
Fade out.
