Post by Michael Callahan on Jul 28, 2012 13:42:46 GMT -4
”STUPID BOY! How about a man to man fight to the death! I can not lose!”[/B]- Geese Howard, King of Fighters, but also words used to describe Sally Talfourd by yours truly.
They say the Devil makes work for idle thumbs and with Michael Callahan's paid week of vacation both from his wrestling job and his work with the Washington Republicans, you'd think that even the staunch Catholic American Hero wouldn't be immune from this influence. There would be no such smug satisfaction however as Callahan had spent his time off either in the gym working his impeccable chest, trying to find his beloved assistant Vikki Lahm who even now on the second to las day of his vacation was still missing and frantically trying to master a 25 hit slamming combo as Raiden in King of Fighters 13.
Callahan grunted and whined as he repeatedly smashed in the same combo that he'd been working on for the last two hours or so to yet more disappointment, the heel masked wrestler not quite complying to the demands of his arcade stick controller that rested on his steadily warming lap. He reached over and took a sip from a fresh glass of lemonade sittingly idly on his glass coffee table only to let out a sigh of pleasure as he set it back down on the again and resumed playing. He was finally about to get it down pat when Steve Fukuyama abruptly interrupted.
Steve Fukuyama: Seeing as Vikki isn't here to do it, I figured I'd remind you that you should do your little youtube blog thing soon.
Michael Callahan: ”I will.”
The impression Fukuyama got was that Callahan would do it right then and there but far from it, Callahan just carried on staring at the TV and pressing buttons.
Steve Fukuyama: I meant like... now.
Michael Callahan: ”What're you, my mom?”
Callahan turned to scoff in Fukuyama's face before trying for the ninety ninth time to nail that elusive combo. Frustrated and a little bit envious with the knowledge that Vikki could've got him to do it first time, Fukuyama seethed silently with his hands on his hips. Callahan then roared with so much vigour when he finally pulled off that elusive combo that you'd be forgiven for mistakenly thinking he'd won the lottery. He then turned and saw Fukuyama's unimpressed, blank expression looking back at him and sighed the sigh of compliance.
Michael Callahan: ”Alright fine, fun police. I'll get on it.”
Callahan's now in front of the camera with his teeth all polished and whitened ready to spit fire on his opponents.
Michael Callahan: ”One peculiar facet of the collective personality of mankind is the inquisitive nature with which the Good Lord designed us with. Every single one of us has an assortment of queries and while sadly not all of them can ever be answered, at their fundamental core these vast questions can all be neatly categorised. Our species musings which range from the brilliant, profound and controversial like whether capital punishment is ever justified right down to the outright bizarre and trivial questions like what KFC gravy is made from that makes it taste so good can be broken down into six simple structures. Who, what, where, where, how and the most important of all which is suitably the absolute bane of liberal media everywhere “Why?”
”Questions like “Why do you speak so negatively of Asylum's golden boy Anthony Bailey?” or “Why do you constantly meddle in his affairs when they don't concern you?” are asked to me every day via the vast array of social media platforms which I utilise in my campaigns and yet it's difficult for me to give an answer because there's so many reasons as to the man has earned my sincere scorn. Is my contempt born out of jaundice? That I simply loathe him for the accolades and opportunities he has been handed since his arrival? That seems to be the assumption most of the constituents hold and I guess yes, okay, although envy is a sin in the eyes of our Holy Lord, I do feel somewhat sleighted that he has become the poster boy for our brand when truly, it is I, Michael Callahan who has been flying the flag of nobility for the brand and am the person who should be receiving those honours..”
”I find it unfair that I've been lobbying for a World Championship match since my very first day here in Action Packed Wrestling only to be constantly ignored by the likes of that awful man Reginald Schmidt and his crooked bureaucracy of MacBook bashing Yes Men who wouldn't know talent if it were to cartwheel through their office in their unders. All the while Anthony Bailey is granted two championship matches within the space of a month despite having absolutely no mandate to be the number one contender. Yet for me to even a little whiff of championship match I have to subject myself to being punted down several flights of steps by that vile idiot Jason Kash and even then an opportunistic “magician” who's only real magic trick is holding up the long-running illusion that she actually cares about her supporters somehow manages to steal what I've time and time again proved that I've rightfully earnt and that's a World Title match.”
”My soreness doesn't just stop there though. Oh no. Now? Now Schmidt and his Pitchfork reading hipster friends believe that Anthony Bailey, the company man is what this product should be built around. There seems to be this bizarre pre-conceived, mis-conceived notion that Anthony Bailey is somehow the embodiment of everything Asylum should be. Now bearing in mind that when I arrived at Asylum it was a war-torn waste of hardcore wrestlers and outlaw criminals engaging in a Juarez-style bloodbath for supremacy, why is it that when already a true and noble ambassador for the cause they are now pushing is suddenly pushed to the side for this mincing college boy? It is because he's working class and down to earth? The man was born into multi-millions. He's college educated and as you can see from his Twitter fed is gallavanting around the kooky, weird and wonderful alternate dimension of Europia, fighting dinosaurs in Rome with Brutus as his wing-man! That's not the American fanbase we admire!”
”Then it occurs to me. This is what Asylum is becoming now. I think we're pretty much at this point going to have to rename the show “The View” because that's more or less what it is. Are we going to have a segment every fortnight where Elisabeth Hasselbeck confounds us with her sweeping ignorance and Whoopi Goldberg tries to argue that Mel Gibson is a sensitive man? That's not what I signed up for. That's not what the Asylum people signed up for. They wanted a representative for positive social change and instead they got this man crammed down their throats because he's apparently a testmanet to social mobility. From rich to richer. What a transition! I can barely believe it.”
”You want an ambassador... no... A REPRESENTATIVE for the people of Asylum? Try a man who grew up in the slums of Washington, amongst poverty and famine with barely enough food on the table. A man who's academic brilliance along with this country's great social mobility allowed him to transcend his class and go to an Ivy League University to study Political Science and become a College Republican and well Heck, you know I don't like to talk about it but how about the fact that FOUGHT FOR OUR COUNTRY in the United States Marine Corps? How about that? Now tell me that I'm not a role-model that people should look up to. Anthony Bailey is a spoilt brat and if there's any credence in the phrase “you reap what you sow” then my harvest should be far vaster than that of our so-called “golden boy”, “the people's champion”. Knowing my luck, that'll probably become one of his nicknames too!
I'll give the devil his due, he's gone through a LOT to get where he is today. He's beaten a lot of big names but so have I. Anything he's done? I've done better. He was Tap Out champion for a few weeks? I've been Pro Life Champion for 25 weeks, longer than any current champion in ALL of Action Packed Wrestling and in just three weeks I'm going to be the longest reigning champion in Asylum history. He may have beaten Jason Kash, but I beat Sally Talfourd and ended an undefeated streak that started last October. NOBODY has the credentials to be champion like I do, NOBODY.”
Callahan grunted and slammed his desk with a ham-hock hand like an unruly ogre from some far-flung fantasy kingdom as he turned his attention to the pixieish Sally Talfourd.
”And that's another thing that grinds my gears! Sally Talfourd! Watch this space ladies and fellas and watch it very closely because I promise you, as Sally gets closer and closer to her precious, the ugly vinear of your beloved sorcerer will peel away like the layers on a tangerine. You'll see a greed-obsessed monster who will betray her partner... boyfriend... idiot.. .Whatever Anthony Bailey is to her and stab him in the back for that gold. I used to love this woman but now I've seen the truth, what lies beneath her skin and that's a selfish, ugly reptile who's gonna' drain the life out of Bailey like the succubus that she is. Just you watch for “The Betrayal Games” to start! I'm putting a hundred bucks on it when I touch down in Vegas! ”
”And finally we come to my tag team partner, Cameron Wolves. This man is clinically insane. I never thought I'd ever see the day where I actually found myself agreeing with not just anyone from Meltdown but that contemptable street hoodlum Benny Horrowitz when he said words to the effect of “Blap blap, hoe be trippin'” because this man is nuttier than a box of squirrels. The fact that you expect a man of sound mind and rational judgment to coexist with this freak sack is downright insulting to me. He's an immensely capable engine for destruction and he has the warrior spirit if his Meltdown record is anything to go by but let's be honest, he knows nothing of loyalty and even less about respect. He's no team player and he certainly doesn't embody the American spirit of helping your fellow man like I do.”
”And while we're at it, we might as well go the whole hog and say that I don't exactly have a stellar record when it comes to tag team matches. In fact I think I've lost every single one I've ever been in. They, mostly Farquhar, like to blame me for their loss because apparently I'm the inferior tag partner yet I'm never the one that gets pinned. I'm always the one that scores the near falls, I'm always the one carrying the flag as team captain and coming up with strategies and yet one way or another people like Farquhar tend to find a way to blow it for me so I apologise if I don't seem especially enthusiastic about this match. It'll no doubt fall upon me to salvage what basically amounts to a two on one affair and while I'll probably lose yet again, I'll fight hard for my constituents and show that even in the face of certain defeat I'm still the greatest athlete on this brand in all of Asylum no matter what the bureaucrats and Sally freaking Talfourd think. It's preordained by Our Lord and the constituents and that my friends? That's a promise, not “The Promise” but a Michael Callahan promise that you can rely on.”
Fade to black as the scene cuts to a close. All done.
They say the Devil makes work for idle thumbs and with Michael Callahan's paid week of vacation both from his wrestling job and his work with the Washington Republicans, you'd think that even the staunch Catholic American Hero wouldn't be immune from this influence. There would be no such smug satisfaction however as Callahan had spent his time off either in the gym working his impeccable chest, trying to find his beloved assistant Vikki Lahm who even now on the second to las day of his vacation was still missing and frantically trying to master a 25 hit slamming combo as Raiden in King of Fighters 13.
Callahan grunted and whined as he repeatedly smashed in the same combo that he'd been working on for the last two hours or so to yet more disappointment, the heel masked wrestler not quite complying to the demands of his arcade stick controller that rested on his steadily warming lap. He reached over and took a sip from a fresh glass of lemonade sittingly idly on his glass coffee table only to let out a sigh of pleasure as he set it back down on the again and resumed playing. He was finally about to get it down pat when Steve Fukuyama abruptly interrupted.
Steve Fukuyama: Seeing as Vikki isn't here to do it, I figured I'd remind you that you should do your little youtube blog thing soon.
Michael Callahan: ”I will.”
The impression Fukuyama got was that Callahan would do it right then and there but far from it, Callahan just carried on staring at the TV and pressing buttons.
Steve Fukuyama: I meant like... now.
Michael Callahan: ”What're you, my mom?”
Callahan turned to scoff in Fukuyama's face before trying for the ninety ninth time to nail that elusive combo. Frustrated and a little bit envious with the knowledge that Vikki could've got him to do it first time, Fukuyama seethed silently with his hands on his hips. Callahan then roared with so much vigour when he finally pulled off that elusive combo that you'd be forgiven for mistakenly thinking he'd won the lottery. He then turned and saw Fukuyama's unimpressed, blank expression looking back at him and sighed the sigh of compliance.
Michael Callahan: ”Alright fine, fun police. I'll get on it.”
[RECORD]
Callahan's now in front of the camera with his teeth all polished and whitened ready to spit fire on his opponents.
Michael Callahan: ”One peculiar facet of the collective personality of mankind is the inquisitive nature with which the Good Lord designed us with. Every single one of us has an assortment of queries and while sadly not all of them can ever be answered, at their fundamental core these vast questions can all be neatly categorised. Our species musings which range from the brilliant, profound and controversial like whether capital punishment is ever justified right down to the outright bizarre and trivial questions like what KFC gravy is made from that makes it taste so good can be broken down into six simple structures. Who, what, where, where, how and the most important of all which is suitably the absolute bane of liberal media everywhere “Why?”
”Questions like “Why do you speak so negatively of Asylum's golden boy Anthony Bailey?” or “Why do you constantly meddle in his affairs when they don't concern you?” are asked to me every day via the vast array of social media platforms which I utilise in my campaigns and yet it's difficult for me to give an answer because there's so many reasons as to the man has earned my sincere scorn. Is my contempt born out of jaundice? That I simply loathe him for the accolades and opportunities he has been handed since his arrival? That seems to be the assumption most of the constituents hold and I guess yes, okay, although envy is a sin in the eyes of our Holy Lord, I do feel somewhat sleighted that he has become the poster boy for our brand when truly, it is I, Michael Callahan who has been flying the flag of nobility for the brand and am the person who should be receiving those honours..”
”I find it unfair that I've been lobbying for a World Championship match since my very first day here in Action Packed Wrestling only to be constantly ignored by the likes of that awful man Reginald Schmidt and his crooked bureaucracy of MacBook bashing Yes Men who wouldn't know talent if it were to cartwheel through their office in their unders. All the while Anthony Bailey is granted two championship matches within the space of a month despite having absolutely no mandate to be the number one contender. Yet for me to even a little whiff of championship match I have to subject myself to being punted down several flights of steps by that vile idiot Jason Kash and even then an opportunistic “magician” who's only real magic trick is holding up the long-running illusion that she actually cares about her supporters somehow manages to steal what I've time and time again proved that I've rightfully earnt and that's a World Title match.”
”My soreness doesn't just stop there though. Oh no. Now? Now Schmidt and his Pitchfork reading hipster friends believe that Anthony Bailey, the company man is what this product should be built around. There seems to be this bizarre pre-conceived, mis-conceived notion that Anthony Bailey is somehow the embodiment of everything Asylum should be. Now bearing in mind that when I arrived at Asylum it was a war-torn waste of hardcore wrestlers and outlaw criminals engaging in a Juarez-style bloodbath for supremacy, why is it that when already a true and noble ambassador for the cause they are now pushing is suddenly pushed to the side for this mincing college boy? It is because he's working class and down to earth? The man was born into multi-millions. He's college educated and as you can see from his Twitter fed is gallavanting around the kooky, weird and wonderful alternate dimension of Europia, fighting dinosaurs in Rome with Brutus as his wing-man! That's not the American fanbase we admire!”
”Then it occurs to me. This is what Asylum is becoming now. I think we're pretty much at this point going to have to rename the show “The View” because that's more or less what it is. Are we going to have a segment every fortnight where Elisabeth Hasselbeck confounds us with her sweeping ignorance and Whoopi Goldberg tries to argue that Mel Gibson is a sensitive man? That's not what I signed up for. That's not what the Asylum people signed up for. They wanted a representative for positive social change and instead they got this man crammed down their throats because he's apparently a testmanet to social mobility. From rich to richer. What a transition! I can barely believe it.”
”You want an ambassador... no... A REPRESENTATIVE for the people of Asylum? Try a man who grew up in the slums of Washington, amongst poverty and famine with barely enough food on the table. A man who's academic brilliance along with this country's great social mobility allowed him to transcend his class and go to an Ivy League University to study Political Science and become a College Republican and well Heck, you know I don't like to talk about it but how about the fact that FOUGHT FOR OUR COUNTRY in the United States Marine Corps? How about that? Now tell me that I'm not a role-model that people should look up to. Anthony Bailey is a spoilt brat and if there's any credence in the phrase “you reap what you sow” then my harvest should be far vaster than that of our so-called “golden boy”, “the people's champion”. Knowing my luck, that'll probably become one of his nicknames too!
I'll give the devil his due, he's gone through a LOT to get where he is today. He's beaten a lot of big names but so have I. Anything he's done? I've done better. He was Tap Out champion for a few weeks? I've been Pro Life Champion for 25 weeks, longer than any current champion in ALL of Action Packed Wrestling and in just three weeks I'm going to be the longest reigning champion in Asylum history. He may have beaten Jason Kash, but I beat Sally Talfourd and ended an undefeated streak that started last October. NOBODY has the credentials to be champion like I do, NOBODY.”
Callahan grunted and slammed his desk with a ham-hock hand like an unruly ogre from some far-flung fantasy kingdom as he turned his attention to the pixieish Sally Talfourd.
”And that's another thing that grinds my gears! Sally Talfourd! Watch this space ladies and fellas and watch it very closely because I promise you, as Sally gets closer and closer to her precious, the ugly vinear of your beloved sorcerer will peel away like the layers on a tangerine. You'll see a greed-obsessed monster who will betray her partner... boyfriend... idiot.. .Whatever Anthony Bailey is to her and stab him in the back for that gold. I used to love this woman but now I've seen the truth, what lies beneath her skin and that's a selfish, ugly reptile who's gonna' drain the life out of Bailey like the succubus that she is. Just you watch for “The Betrayal Games” to start! I'm putting a hundred bucks on it when I touch down in Vegas! ”
”And finally we come to my tag team partner, Cameron Wolves. This man is clinically insane. I never thought I'd ever see the day where I actually found myself agreeing with not just anyone from Meltdown but that contemptable street hoodlum Benny Horrowitz when he said words to the effect of “Blap blap, hoe be trippin'” because this man is nuttier than a box of squirrels. The fact that you expect a man of sound mind and rational judgment to coexist with this freak sack is downright insulting to me. He's an immensely capable engine for destruction and he has the warrior spirit if his Meltdown record is anything to go by but let's be honest, he knows nothing of loyalty and even less about respect. He's no team player and he certainly doesn't embody the American spirit of helping your fellow man like I do.”
”And while we're at it, we might as well go the whole hog and say that I don't exactly have a stellar record when it comes to tag team matches. In fact I think I've lost every single one I've ever been in. They, mostly Farquhar, like to blame me for their loss because apparently I'm the inferior tag partner yet I'm never the one that gets pinned. I'm always the one that scores the near falls, I'm always the one carrying the flag as team captain and coming up with strategies and yet one way or another people like Farquhar tend to find a way to blow it for me so I apologise if I don't seem especially enthusiastic about this match. It'll no doubt fall upon me to salvage what basically amounts to a two on one affair and while I'll probably lose yet again, I'll fight hard for my constituents and show that even in the face of certain defeat I'm still the greatest athlete on this brand in all of Asylum no matter what the bureaucrats and Sally freaking Talfourd think. It's preordained by Our Lord and the constituents and that my friends? That's a promise, not “The Promise” but a Michael Callahan promise that you can rely on.”
Fade to black as the scene cuts to a close. All done.
