Alrighty then. Yarmouth gave ya some good advice on being more specific/detailed in your narration, but let me add to that:
- Telling the reader the name of the restaurant and the name of the arena, hell even the show you're wrestling your match on, thats a start, but you wanna basically set up the setting of the promo in the first paragraph of the roleplay. You say you went to a restaurant, whats the name, what is the smell of the air due to the food in the place. Then later, at the show, how does the sound of the crowd sound backstage. Stuff that like may seem small or too much, but I find that it help sets up the rest of the scene.
- Besides the setting of the scene, I think if you would have had Krunk himself reveal who he was with at the restaurant and who he was waiting for, it would have added to the promo. Your narrative is what I like to call, "3rd person hand-holding". You basically tell the people who the person is right away, which isn't bad, but having the reader figure it out themselves or having Krunk's words reveal who his mom was would have worked better.
- I don't know alot about Canada, but I do know that Toronto and San Diego are on opposite sides of North America. What I'm trying to say is read the card. There's no way Krunk got out of his apartment, in Toronto, and walked to a restaurant in San Diego, California. Keeo things realistic in a realistic promo. If it were set up as a fantasy of Krunk's it could work, but this was a realistic promo
- One thing before I get to the actual meat of this promo, and it's just bothering me,
"The scene opening to noise of a slamming door. There was the notorious rookie as he stood in front of his small apartment where he lived. His signature toothy grin upon his visage"
How is anything a rookie does, his "signature" he's a rookie there is nothing to base it off of in any previous promos.
- The interaction between the mom and Krunk was off. The beginning of it more than the end. This part:
"Don't you remember how it affected him, he thought he could do EVERYTHING, but then leaving us due to the cancer he had."
I don't see a connection between thinking you can do everything and cancer. Then felt more natural than the beginning, and i liked the "who told you that you're special" "You did." line. This is a conversation many people have with their parents so it's natural.
- The opening paragraph of the second scene, I don't know who you're talking about. Is it Krunk? is it Larry APW's previously Unknown Backstage Interviewer? You used "he" a lot in the paragraph, but you never told us who "he" was in the first place.
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apwprez.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=generalinfo&action=display&thread=40 That's the listing of who actually works for APW, instead of Larry you should have used Hannah Storm's Meltdown's backstage announcer.
- The interview itself wasn't bad, but it wasn't all that great either. It just felt weird.
- Overall, not a bad promo for your first time e-fedding. There is a lot of room to improve though. Like Yar said, look at your opponent bio and use some of that to talk trash about them, sell the match to me, a reader.