Post by Delikado on Aug 6, 2012 21:27:44 GMT -4
This past week's APW ratings have just been fully released, and officials are now deeming them to be some of the highest the company has ever seen. When analyzed, it was reported that recent activity in Fargo, North Dakota had somehow kicked the ratings into an all-time high, and Ewan Jakeway of the media company "Totally Exciting News ‘n Stuff News" announced that the actions of Delikado and his "Deli Tee Vee" entertainment empire were behind the massive, positive jump in recent ratings.
Upon further questioning as to just how the flipping fudge Jakeway knew that, Jakeway responded by saying the proof was all there in the videotape sent to APW officials showing Delikado and his crew whooping booty at a fundraiser for charity.
"This is what people wanna see these days," reported Jakeway on his news show. "I mean the TV audiences wanna watch carnage and they demand it to be as white trash as possible. Seriously, have you SEEN what's allowed on the TV these days? It's madness! Fucking madness!" Mr. Jakeway proceeded to put a quarter in a swear jar following this expletive.
Furthermore Jakeway was joined by an associate of Deli Tee Vee, who announced that the ratings-grabbing-madness will continue, and will also intensify in its personal-ness and physical showings, unless the demands of "Da Bawse" are met from his opponents and greater enemies each week. Demands were listed as follows by the representative:
*Every form of APW media must portray Overdrive Champion Delikado as THE premier star of the company. This includes magazines, banners, milk cartons, etc. If people have the potential to see it, they must see Delikado before they see anyone else. Opponents must either pay for these expenses or sacrifice their screen time so that Delikado may have it instead.
*All of the Deli Tee Vee staff must be given living quarters in the finest hotels, or whatever's available in a backwards southern state like Tennessee (note:we refuse to house in Knoxville, unless we can burn it down first and then sleep in the remains). The crew men and women (and one cinnamon bun-eating robo-monkey) will not be charged, as all fees and expenses will be paid beforehand by Delikado's opponents. These factors carry on for the entire length of the crew's stay with every stop that is made for an APW show.
*Delikado will personally be granted the gift of eight-hundred-thousand US dollars from his opponent(s) of the week--or whoever signs their checks--for personal usage that is not to be questioned or negotiated. Please include small bills, as Delikado prefers not to have to wait for a cashier to break down a fifty when he wants a soda.
*Opponents will provide one guest consisting of their closest family, friends, lovers, etc. to accompany Delikado and his crew until the week is over. Hot women are preferred, but it has been made note that Deli and pals will not be totally constricted to that request.
"If the opposing figure(s) to Delikado each week grant us the meager terms requested, then the Champion and his crew will not drag you and your loved ones through the mud. Literally, we won't drag them through mud," followed up the representative after announcing the demands. "Things will not get personal leading up to a match, and we'll all have a butt-slappin' good time, ya know? Let CJ Gates and his family's fundraiser getting sacked be a fair warning."
When it was questioned as to what if the personal attacks weren't all true, as some allegations Delikado had made against Gates were proven to be, the representative responded by saying, "We don't care. Deli Tee Vee has the power to MAKE this shit believable! We can tear down anyone by any means necessary if the Cuban BAWSE demands it. Seriously *this* many fucks will be given by us if opponents try to downplay our claims and support their own with what they call 'facts'."
The representative made no gestures, suggesting no fucks would be given.
"This is Delikado's time now. It's the time of Deli Tee Vee and Deli-Marvin and all kinds of awesome Deli shit. Wrestling WILL be made cool again! These ratings are just the start, and unless people get with the program that this ain't no game, then THEY will be the ones that the ratings get made out of..."
When officials tried to reach Delikado for further comments, the Overdrive Champion was said to be busy scratching his nose and was preoccupied and wasn't home. More on this story as it develops...
Upon further questioning as to just how the flipping fudge Jakeway knew that, Jakeway responded by saying the proof was all there in the videotape sent to APW officials showing Delikado and his crew whooping booty at a fundraiser for charity.
"This is what people wanna see these days," reported Jakeway on his news show. "I mean the TV audiences wanna watch carnage and they demand it to be as white trash as possible. Seriously, have you SEEN what's allowed on the TV these days? It's madness! Fucking madness!" Mr. Jakeway proceeded to put a quarter in a swear jar following this expletive.
Furthermore Jakeway was joined by an associate of Deli Tee Vee, who announced that the ratings-grabbing-madness will continue, and will also intensify in its personal-ness and physical showings, unless the demands of "Da Bawse" are met from his opponents and greater enemies each week. Demands were listed as follows by the representative:
*Every form of APW media must portray Overdrive Champion Delikado as THE premier star of the company. This includes magazines, banners, milk cartons, etc. If people have the potential to see it, they must see Delikado before they see anyone else. Opponents must either pay for these expenses or sacrifice their screen time so that Delikado may have it instead.
*All of the Deli Tee Vee staff must be given living quarters in the finest hotels, or whatever's available in a backwards southern state like Tennessee (note:we refuse to house in Knoxville, unless we can burn it down first and then sleep in the remains). The crew men and women (and one cinnamon bun-eating robo-monkey) will not be charged, as all fees and expenses will be paid beforehand by Delikado's opponents. These factors carry on for the entire length of the crew's stay with every stop that is made for an APW show.
*Delikado will personally be granted the gift of eight-hundred-thousand US dollars from his opponent(s) of the week--or whoever signs their checks--for personal usage that is not to be questioned or negotiated. Please include small bills, as Delikado prefers not to have to wait for a cashier to break down a fifty when he wants a soda.
*Opponents will provide one guest consisting of their closest family, friends, lovers, etc. to accompany Delikado and his crew until the week is over. Hot women are preferred, but it has been made note that Deli and pals will not be totally constricted to that request.
"If the opposing figure(s) to Delikado each week grant us the meager terms requested, then the Champion and his crew will not drag you and your loved ones through the mud. Literally, we won't drag them through mud," followed up the representative after announcing the demands. "Things will not get personal leading up to a match, and we'll all have a butt-slappin' good time, ya know? Let CJ Gates and his family's fundraiser getting sacked be a fair warning."
When it was questioned as to what if the personal attacks weren't all true, as some allegations Delikado had made against Gates were proven to be, the representative responded by saying, "We don't care. Deli Tee Vee has the power to MAKE this shit believable! We can tear down anyone by any means necessary if the Cuban BAWSE demands it. Seriously *this* many fucks will be given by us if opponents try to downplay our claims and support their own with what they call 'facts'."
The representative made no gestures, suggesting no fucks would be given.
"This is Delikado's time now. It's the time of Deli Tee Vee and Deli-Marvin and all kinds of awesome Deli shit. Wrestling WILL be made cool again! These ratings are just the start, and unless people get with the program that this ain't no game, then THEY will be the ones that the ratings get made out of..."
When officials tried to reach Delikado for further comments, the Overdrive Champion was said to be busy scratching his nose and was preoccupied and wasn't home. More on this story as it develops...
