Feed back on Overdrive Role play.

[yarmouth1]

I know i said I wasn't going to ask for any feed back back for a while but thought this one was if not is the best one I have done for a long time but was wondering what you guy's think?

apwprez.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=weeklyshow

I doubt it will be the best Role play in my match with three very good Role players but it might just give me a slim chance of winning, Who know's?

Please good or preferably bad feed back welcome.

Thanks in advance Yarmouth.

[Johnny Rebel]

Keep working on your spelling and sentence structuring. For example:

From now on am gonna work my ass off even harder to get where I want to be and that is to be a champion have some god damn gold round my waist as much gold as I can carry if that means going for every gold going then so be it.

That's one long run-on sentence. It makes it difficult to read sometimes when there aren't any breaks.

Going back and reading your roleplays out loud will help with some of your structure. Sometimes your wording reads choppy and is hard to understand. I've highlighted another example...sometimes a few words can really make a difference.

Here is what you wrote:

That is why I put myself forward for this Xtreme Rules Meltdown Megastars showcase match with Shadow Vs Shane Borderland Vs Young Mannie gold is what I want is this is the chance I need to step up a gear and kick the holy crap out of anybody that steps in my way.

Here's a revised edition:

I put myself forward for the Xtreme Rules Meltdown megastars showcase with Shadow, Borderland and Young Mannie because gold is what I want. This is the chance that I need to step up and show that I have another gear that the rest of the APW hasn't seen yet. I'm going to kick the holy crap out of anybody that steps in my way!

It's the simple things that make everything flow better.

Your content is good but you need to continue to develop it. Look for new ways to "trash talk" your opponent and find ways to continue developing layers of the Yarmouth character.

[yarmouth1]

Thanks man that really does help, That's where my dyslexia comes into play but will try my hardest to improve and make the right wording and say the right things.

[Johnny Rebel]

Aug 8, 2012 13:39:40 GMT -4 yarmouth1 said:

Thanks man that really does help, That's where my dyslexia comes into play but will try my hardest to improve and make the right wording and say the right things.

Oh, I understand. It's difficult enough of a challenge without something like that hindering you and it's not a knock because you have improved a ton.

However, I've found that reading it out loud really helps me connect and find where things don't make sense.

Hope it's somewhat of a help!

[yarmouth1]

I will try to do that but to be honest with most of my role plays I think I have done a good job and post them and forget to read them first.

Did you think the story of the role play went well and fitted together with each other?