|
|
Post by The Main Attraction on Aug 8, 2012 18:33:19 GMT -4
|
|
|
|
Post by Jason Cashe on Aug 9, 2012 1:19:58 GMT -4
I liked it. Until I got to this line.
Referencing Real Wrestling in APW is almost as useful writing Frank Cannon rps. Just eww and nobody looks at that with anything but a disgust. APW is whats real in APW World, WWE doesn't exist if I remember what Jeff has said before. Other than that there could have been more. You seemed antsy and pushed through it which I've done myself so don't beat yourself up over it but it could have hurt you. Rushing through it not just the Ryback line..
|
|
|
|
Post by The Main Attraction on Aug 9, 2012 9:04:17 GMT -4
I liked it. Until I got to this line. Referencing Real Wrestling in APW is almost as useful writing Frank Cannon rps. Just eww and nobody looks at that with anything but a disgust. APW is whats real in APW World, WWE doesn't exist if I remember what Jeff has said before. Other than that there could have been more. You seemed antsy and pushed through it which I've done myself so don't beat yourself up over it but it could have hurt you. Rushing through it not just the Ryback line.. If you remember Shadow's real name is Ryback |
|
|
|
Post by Shadow on Aug 9, 2012 9:21:14 GMT -4
I have no qualms with Mannie using Shadow's "real" name.
Believe me, it gets hard referring to people by their nom de guerre over and over. Especially when its a one worder like "Shadow."
Also, if you havent noticed Shadow uses multiple aliases while in the "real" world.
|
|
|
|
Post by Johnny Rebel on Aug 9, 2012 9:23:06 GMT -4
Kash just got Mannied!
|
|
|
|
Post by Jason Cashe on Aug 9, 2012 13:47:32 GMT -4
Wow, Mannie when Rebel gives you an idea like that use it! I had no idea Shadow used Ryback as his "Real" name for the character...Wow..
|
|
|
|
Post by Mark Mania on Aug 9, 2012 14:14:53 GMT -4
Alright, just finished reading and taking notes, I'll tell you the same thing I said to Krunk. This is nothing personal, my feedback is always going to be critical. If you want someone to tell you how great your RP is, this isn't the board for you. Without further adieu...
A running theme of the RP was odd capitalization errors and unnecessary usage of the semi-colon. It's funny because these are contradictory to me. When I see a lot of semi-colons I think that it's because you used the spelling/grammar checker on Microsoft Word and it told you to use the semi-colon. Very few people can use them correctly all the time. Unfortunately, the capitalization errors run in the face of that because Word would fix them. So all I can say is that you need to read over the RP before you post it.
You had a lot of missing words and additional words. You need to read your RP before you post it. Can't stress that enough. For example, "I don't anyone will take me lightly." Clearly you're missing a "think" right there.
Some general grammar mistakes, making sure you use your/you're correctly.
More missing words, "Sorry about but I'm" I'm assuming you wanted to say "Sorry about that but I'm".
There was one paragraph where you used "like" just about every word. I thought it might be a character thing, but it stopped shortly after that. Just used it a bit too much.
This paragraph was very confusing to me.
Mannie: I know as should I heard Xtreme that it would an up hill battle and now I have 4 people to deal with but It’s fine with me. I’m prepared to sacrifice it all in this match to win a title shot. I mean Wait a second...Extreme rules, Overdrive, and it’s a title shot on the line...You got to be kidding me, You might as well raise my hand now. Because if you don’t think I won’t shine to my biggest glow as a star than there wrong as the Alliance of Level One and Johnny Rebel, It was great on paper but too much ego to work. But I digress back to the showcase, I don’t have too much to say right now, but only that to watch me! And with that being said goodnight.
I think if you read it aloud and added words where they belonged and fixed the comma usage it'd be fine.
Also, that first segment ended very abruptly and seemed thrown together a bit.
Then when the next part starts were you claiming to have had relations with the young Ms. Storm? I don't think she's there for that.
You had some unnecessary quote marks around "Red headed step child".
The paintball gun was a pretty good touch, it added something.
You had some more missing words, "Bag cheap Reggie" there should be an "of" in there.
Unneeded usage of the ellipses a few times.
You definitely can write RP's because you have some great lines thrown in there that makes it frustrating to read because if you just read it over before you posted it there wouldn't be so many errors. "But please allow Yarmouth to bear witness to the greatness that I will be bringing at the showcase. Then maybe he will finally see it takes more than running your mouth to be a champion" I really liked that, but it was bordered by two mistakes.
You used "but I digress" a bit much, normally when you really hadn't digressed that far at all.
It's clear you did some research on Shadow, but then you couldn't even answer the question of whether you had faced him before or not. If you're going to do research, you should find out if you have a past with the man.
There was another line that bugged me, "I respect hat but I won't take that away from you." You're saying the same thing, no need for the use of "but" there.
Really, the entire segment about Shadow needs to be proofread and read aloud. Lots of errors like using "are" instead of "our".
I liked the two metaphors that you used based around weed but it was either too much or not enough. I know smoking the chronic is big for the character but if it's that big he should make more metaphors about it, make it a funny thing he does.
Also, when you're calling yourself a genius, don't have grammatical errors, "You smart but I'm a damn genius" Sorry, I don't buy it.
Was that a Charlie Sheen reference? No thank you.
Watch your to/too/two usage.
The boot size comment was a bit cliche, I feel like I hear everyone say that.
This is a critique I give often, you shoot your webcam with the paintball gun, I hope he doesn't need to use the web cam next week, that'll get expensive if you ruin it every week.
Woo, I just blacked out for a second there.
Some of these things may be nitpicky and they may seem like I'm just picking on you, but I'm really not. I want nothing more than for everyone to get better.
The biggest feedback that everyone gives is to read your RP aloud or at least re-read it in your head. The flow of the RP is incredibly important and people need to realize that.
Mannie, you've been doing this for a long time, you're working off some of the rust, you probably did a quick spell check and thought you'd be good, I'm guilty of not reading my RP's before I post them all the time, but it's the best and easiest thing you can do to go from an OK RP to a real good RP.
Keep plugging away and you'll be just fine. Good job and keep up the good work!
|
|
|
|
Post by Jason Cashe on Aug 9, 2012 15:44:12 GMT -4
Very good feedback Mania. Mannie, you should use this as a Guide for a while. It will help you greatly. Also, don't use Word if it's giving you a hard time. Grab Notepad or Notepad++ if you have to use a program. I use my forums to write rps now because Firefox has a spell check as you type. So it helps me.
|
|
|
|
Post by The Main Attraction on Aug 9, 2012 17:30:39 GMT -4
Thanks Reb, Kash, Ryback ;D and Mark Mania for the constructive critic/feedback, and no Mark i would've use to seen as nick-picking but it was things i know and still have to work on. Thanks again! Very good feedback Mania. Mannie, you should use this as a Guide for a while. It will help you greatly. Also, don't use Word if it's giving you a hard time. Grab Notepad or Notepad++ if you have to use a program. I use my forums to write rps now because Firefox has a spell check as you type. So it helps me. Are we talking regular Notepad which on a windows desktop or some program i need to download? If so link please? |
|
|
|
Post by Jason Cashe on Aug 10, 2012 0:12:50 GMT -4
The notepad already on windows. That works. No spell check but it doesn't auto correct shit for you and make you look like a Da-Oush.
|
|
