Post by Michael Callahan on Sept 8, 2012 18:16:56 GMT -4
Flashing colours all around. Everywhere a rainbow coloured hurricane in the darkness of his minds eye. A nauseatingly trippy experience. Then slowly, sucking you through to the bottom this tunnel is a sprawling display of a highlight reel of Callahan's most recent and disturbing memories. The trauma of Jason Kash laying him out unconscious with a chair still fresh in his mind sparks powerful red crescents through the ambient kaleidoscope of his minds eye.
Russ T. Nailz: OH MY GOD, I have BLOOD on my hands! Somebody call me a god damn doctor! I need a bloodwork ASAP! I could be INFECTED Beckett! These are the hazards of wrestling commentary ladies and gentlemen!
Slowly the colours morph towards a dark purple hue as Kash stands tall atop the ladder with the APW Pro Life Championship firmly in his hands while Callahan is simply forced to watch. Sharp pulses of energy and rippling waves.
Tony Ferrari: Here is your winner and the NEWWWWWW APW Pro Life Champion... JASOOOOOOON KAAAAASH!!!
The colour wheel spins once more and now there is a cobalt blue, clear and vast like a sweeping ocean wave consuming Callahan's thoughts.
John Callahan: Michael? It's your dad... Sylvia...- Your mom... she's gone. She died in the night.
To red once more as Callahan enters the “danger zone” in his mind and snaps in his most deadly submission The Victory Lock, knocking Sally Talfourd unconscious and forcing a submission victory. The waves subside and a slow buzzing fills his ears.
Natalie Burrows: And it would seem that Mister Callahan advances to the finals of the Defeat the Unknown tournament to meet Kelly Wilson!
Pink, the colour of fruitful pleasure. Callahan's hazy memories can only conceive the spinning walls of the dingy nightclub they sit in and Steve's husky, alcohol laced breath as he eased back into a couch. Was it the walls spinning or just his head? Why wasn't Steve moving?
Steve Fukuyama: Hahahaha! Oh man, you are so wasted!
A phonecall once more. His head slumped against a desk with a bottle of Pinot Noir in his hand. This time the colour is green. For money? For envy? Failure to let it sink in.
Food Network Rep: Have you been drinking? Tell you what, come in for a pilot recording and if it works out then we'll give you a contract to sign.
The Twitter trademark birds form an enternal college of a much larger Twitter T logo as the hazy words of a direct message from Carson Talent Agency offering him a voice acting role trigger the recesses of his memory. Can't cope.
Carson: They're making A Spongebob Christmas, they're offering you a bit with Patrick. Do you want in?
Michael Callahan: You bet your ASS!
Michael Callahan: -Whuh... what's going on?
Producer: Okay Michael, you're on in five.
Snap. Back to reality. Callahan shakes the cobwebs from his head as if he'd spent the last two weeks in stasis and looks around, unsure of where he is or what his purpose is. It's his mindless arrogance alone that stops him from forgetting who he even is.
Michael Callahan: Okay. Thank you ma'am.
The male yet rather androgynous producer simply turns his head away scoffing at the dazed politician in disgust.
Producer: Any time.
Michael Callahan: Steve, what the Hell is going on?
Steve Fukuyama: There you are. I'd called you like three times. You having fun on set?
Michael Callahan: Steve, I've just woken up. I don't know what the heck is going on. I feel like I've just come off auto-pilot. Mind explaining to me what on Earth I'm doing in a Food Network studio?
Steve Fukuyama: Well basically, when your mom died-
Michael Callahan: What?! My mom is dead?
Memories came rushing back to him. He remembered a blonde girl not wearing very much. Was it Kandy or Karamel? Ugh, God. What is going on?
Steve Fukuyama: Yeah. We all went out and got ploughed. You said it'd be a fitting toast to her legacy.
Michael Callahan: Jesus... but yeah, that's true. Carry on.
Steve Fukuyama: You got lairy at Natalie Burrows, told her you were gonna' get wasted on Irish Car Bomb Cupcakes and a Food Network agent called you. Offered you a job doing a cooking show. Do you really not remember all this?
All Callahan could show was a blank answer sheet, unprepared for the revelations being revealed to him.
Michael Callahan: No. Do you know what I'm meant to be cooking? I mean I'm a decent enough cook but man, this is kind of a tough ask.
Steve Fukuyama: No. Something Republican though. Seeing as that's kind of your stick. The show is called “Cooking the Books with Michael Callahan” which is all about accounting and taxes and stuff so, you can see it's quite geared to play off your Red alignment.
Michael Callahan: The show has it's own name? Oh dear Lord. What about uhh... an Obama Omelette! Yeah! Budgeted ultra-cheap because y'know, Obama doesn't know how to spend money properly and with no fillings because there's no substance to his policies? I am a freaking genius.
Steve Fukuyama: Too much for the first episode. That's good but later down the line? Iunno. Think of something simple.
Michael Callahan: Alright, I got it.
Producer: You're on in just a minute Michael. Go get 'em!
Michael Callahan: Thank you. Wait, go get who? Is there a live audience out there?
The producer ignored him as Michael peered around the curtain to see that it was far worse than he could possibly have ever imagined. The place was packed with mostly rednecks but with the occasional wrestling fan and average conservative and for the second time in his life following the time he took up Debate Club in high school he got a pang of stage fright nestled in the pit of his stomach. He sauntered out on stage with vigour zest and launched into the best improv he possibly could. Such was the Callahan way.
Michael Callahan: Hello and welcome to Cooking the Books with me, young Republican ambassador and professional wrestler Michael Callahan! Yes ladies and gentlemen, I am more than just a smiling face. I'm also a dab-hand in the kitchen as the lovely people here at the Food Network have discovered for themselves and today for you my live studio audience and the people at home I'm gonna' be teaching you some of my authentic All-American, all-delicious recipes that I tuck into whether I'm at home, in the locker room or in the board room. Recipes made from fresh ingredients on the home soil that'll make you proud to fly the red, white and blue. With that said it may surprise you that today I'm going to teach you a Japanese noodle recipé with my own unique All-American twist to make for excellent, low budget snack food. I call it my special “Reagan Ramen” and it involves-....
About an hour later and Callahan returned backstage feeling more than impressed with himself, reflected by the thin smile across his lips.
Steve Fukuyama: How'd it go?
Michael Callahan: Great actually. The crowd... well, I guess you could say they ate it up.
The joke ilicits a chuckle from Callahan but Fukuyama can't find it in himself to laugh. He's got business on his mind right now.
Steve Fukuyama: Funny. I've heard the network reps saying they liked it enough to commission a whole series. Now, you've got TJ this week and Shane West had turned up to the studio to get some footage of you yelling about him. Think you're up to the task?
Michael Callahan: Steve, when am I NOT up to the task of making a public appearance?
A few moments later and the three men, Shane, Steve and Michael are standing together outside the fire escape door to cut a quick interview before Callahan can take the time to try and gather his thoughts and make sense of everything.
Shane West: Hey guys, Shane West here with the multi-talented hero of unborn babies everywhere. We know him as a political personality, we know him as a wrestler and now he hosts his own show on The Food Network. Ladies and gentlemen, you're joining me with Michael Callahan after I believe filming the pilot of your brand new cooking show. Is that correct?
Michael Callahan: That would be correct sir, yes it is. Y'see, just like you said my friend. Michael Callahan is a man of many talents. I'm an exceptional wrestler, cook, scholar, politician and above all else human being and I strive to be my best when I don't let the occasional pitfall get in my way. Just two weeks ago? Jason Kash put that big ol' dent in my head and I went on to beat Sally Talfourd, our old number one contender in the Defeat the Unknown tournament to advance to the finals. This sets me in great stead for when I come to face the unstoppable Philly war machine that is “The Soul”, Mr TJ in just a few nights time even without my Pro Life title.
Shane West: Well I'm glad you're confident. But you're both still pretty badly banged up huh? How do you think your injuries will factor into your match?
Callahan taps the plaster on his forehead covering the war scar left by Jason Kash only to pause awkwardly as he sinks into relapse. The sound of the chair bouncing off his skull echoes through his ears as he replays the image of Kash swinging for the fences over and over in his mind. Something is definitely wrong.
Michael Callahan: We're injured in different ways Mr. West. He's got a bad leg because of that no-good limey Julius Farquhar exploiting every rule in the book and damn near shattering the poor boy's ankle. Me? I've got a cut in my head and as we learnt just this past week, I can fight even if blood is pumping out of a hole in my face. TJ on the other hand even with his immense talents, speed, strength and raw animality in that ring simply can't contend with me if he can't stand on his own two feet. Y'know the expression right? A man can't fight if he can't stand. All I need to do is isolate that leg and he won't be able to base that power game, he won't be able to throw me around like a rag doll because as soon as he tries to power me up that vertical base just collapses like a deck chair underneath him.
Shane West: Well that's all well and good, but he's new, unpredictable. Why should you of all people get to advance to the Asylum Elimination Chamber over him?
Michael Callahan: Because I'd be a terrible capitalist if I wasn't to make the best of this incredible opportunity Shane. Now more than ever is the time to become a certified Callahan constituent. The Pro Life Era may have been tragically aborted by that maniac Jason Kash but now is the time to counter strike while the iron is still hot. I'm 1-0 when it comes to challenging for the title and I plan to extend that to two. We've seen just how well I can handle pressure and the odds being stacked against me and just like Rocky Balboa, I come back stronger than ever when I'm down and out. There's only one destination for me Shane and that's all American global conquest. I'm coming for Anthony Bailey, I'm coming for the World Heavyweight title and this Sunday at Asylum? I'm coming for you TJ and that my friend? That is a promise.
He pats Shane reassuringly on the back and walks off camera immediately letting the confidence slip away, clutching his own face as the inner turmoil finally busts out. He putters around aimlessly unsure of where he's going to go next looking to smoke.
Russ T. Nailz: OH MY GOD, I have BLOOD on my hands! Somebody call me a god damn doctor! I need a bloodwork ASAP! I could be INFECTED Beckett! These are the hazards of wrestling commentary ladies and gentlemen!
Slowly the colours morph towards a dark purple hue as Kash stands tall atop the ladder with the APW Pro Life Championship firmly in his hands while Callahan is simply forced to watch. Sharp pulses of energy and rippling waves.
Tony Ferrari: Here is your winner and the NEWWWWWW APW Pro Life Champion... JASOOOOOOON KAAAAASH!!!
The colour wheel spins once more and now there is a cobalt blue, clear and vast like a sweeping ocean wave consuming Callahan's thoughts.
John Callahan: Michael? It's your dad... Sylvia...- Your mom... she's gone. She died in the night.
To red once more as Callahan enters the “danger zone” in his mind and snaps in his most deadly submission The Victory Lock, knocking Sally Talfourd unconscious and forcing a submission victory. The waves subside and a slow buzzing fills his ears.
Natalie Burrows: And it would seem that Mister Callahan advances to the finals of the Defeat the Unknown tournament to meet Kelly Wilson!
Pink, the colour of fruitful pleasure. Callahan's hazy memories can only conceive the spinning walls of the dingy nightclub they sit in and Steve's husky, alcohol laced breath as he eased back into a couch. Was it the walls spinning or just his head? Why wasn't Steve moving?
Steve Fukuyama: Hahahaha! Oh man, you are so wasted!
A phonecall once more. His head slumped against a desk with a bottle of Pinot Noir in his hand. This time the colour is green. For money? For envy? Failure to let it sink in.
Food Network Rep: Have you been drinking? Tell you what, come in for a pilot recording and if it works out then we'll give you a contract to sign.
The Twitter trademark birds form an enternal college of a much larger Twitter T logo as the hazy words of a direct message from Carson Talent Agency offering him a voice acting role trigger the recesses of his memory. Can't cope.
Carson: They're making A Spongebob Christmas, they're offering you a bit with Patrick. Do you want in?
Michael Callahan: You bet your ASS!
Michael Callahan: -Whuh... what's going on?
Producer: Okay Michael, you're on in five.
Snap. Back to reality. Callahan shakes the cobwebs from his head as if he'd spent the last two weeks in stasis and looks around, unsure of where he is or what his purpose is. It's his mindless arrogance alone that stops him from forgetting who he even is.
Michael Callahan: Okay. Thank you ma'am.
The male yet rather androgynous producer simply turns his head away scoffing at the dazed politician in disgust.
Producer: Any time.
Michael Callahan: Steve, what the Hell is going on?
Steve Fukuyama: There you are. I'd called you like three times. You having fun on set?
Michael Callahan: Steve, I've just woken up. I don't know what the heck is going on. I feel like I've just come off auto-pilot. Mind explaining to me what on Earth I'm doing in a Food Network studio?
Steve Fukuyama: Well basically, when your mom died-
Michael Callahan: What?! My mom is dead?
Memories came rushing back to him. He remembered a blonde girl not wearing very much. Was it Kandy or Karamel? Ugh, God. What is going on?
Steve Fukuyama: Yeah. We all went out and got ploughed. You said it'd be a fitting toast to her legacy.
Michael Callahan: Jesus... but yeah, that's true. Carry on.
Steve Fukuyama: You got lairy at Natalie Burrows, told her you were gonna' get wasted on Irish Car Bomb Cupcakes and a Food Network agent called you. Offered you a job doing a cooking show. Do you really not remember all this?
All Callahan could show was a blank answer sheet, unprepared for the revelations being revealed to him.
Michael Callahan: No. Do you know what I'm meant to be cooking? I mean I'm a decent enough cook but man, this is kind of a tough ask.
Steve Fukuyama: No. Something Republican though. Seeing as that's kind of your stick. The show is called “Cooking the Books with Michael Callahan” which is all about accounting and taxes and stuff so, you can see it's quite geared to play off your Red alignment.
Michael Callahan: The show has it's own name? Oh dear Lord. What about uhh... an Obama Omelette! Yeah! Budgeted ultra-cheap because y'know, Obama doesn't know how to spend money properly and with no fillings because there's no substance to his policies? I am a freaking genius.
Steve Fukuyama: Too much for the first episode. That's good but later down the line? Iunno. Think of something simple.
Michael Callahan: Alright, I got it.
Producer: You're on in just a minute Michael. Go get 'em!
Michael Callahan: Thank you. Wait, go get who? Is there a live audience out there?
The producer ignored him as Michael peered around the curtain to see that it was far worse than he could possibly have ever imagined. The place was packed with mostly rednecks but with the occasional wrestling fan and average conservative and for the second time in his life following the time he took up Debate Club in high school he got a pang of stage fright nestled in the pit of his stomach. He sauntered out on stage with vigour zest and launched into the best improv he possibly could. Such was the Callahan way.
Michael Callahan: Hello and welcome to Cooking the Books with me, young Republican ambassador and professional wrestler Michael Callahan! Yes ladies and gentlemen, I am more than just a smiling face. I'm also a dab-hand in the kitchen as the lovely people here at the Food Network have discovered for themselves and today for you my live studio audience and the people at home I'm gonna' be teaching you some of my authentic All-American, all-delicious recipes that I tuck into whether I'm at home, in the locker room or in the board room. Recipes made from fresh ingredients on the home soil that'll make you proud to fly the red, white and blue. With that said it may surprise you that today I'm going to teach you a Japanese noodle recipé with my own unique All-American twist to make for excellent, low budget snack food. I call it my special “Reagan Ramen” and it involves-....
About an hour later and Callahan returned backstage feeling more than impressed with himself, reflected by the thin smile across his lips.
Steve Fukuyama: How'd it go?
Michael Callahan: Great actually. The crowd... well, I guess you could say they ate it up.
The joke ilicits a chuckle from Callahan but Fukuyama can't find it in himself to laugh. He's got business on his mind right now.
Steve Fukuyama: Funny. I've heard the network reps saying they liked it enough to commission a whole series. Now, you've got TJ this week and Shane West had turned up to the studio to get some footage of you yelling about him. Think you're up to the task?
Michael Callahan: Steve, when am I NOT up to the task of making a public appearance?
A few moments later and the three men, Shane, Steve and Michael are standing together outside the fire escape door to cut a quick interview before Callahan can take the time to try and gather his thoughts and make sense of everything.
Shane West: Hey guys, Shane West here with the multi-talented hero of unborn babies everywhere. We know him as a political personality, we know him as a wrestler and now he hosts his own show on The Food Network. Ladies and gentlemen, you're joining me with Michael Callahan after I believe filming the pilot of your brand new cooking show. Is that correct?
Michael Callahan: That would be correct sir, yes it is. Y'see, just like you said my friend. Michael Callahan is a man of many talents. I'm an exceptional wrestler, cook, scholar, politician and above all else human being and I strive to be my best when I don't let the occasional pitfall get in my way. Just two weeks ago? Jason Kash put that big ol' dent in my head and I went on to beat Sally Talfourd, our old number one contender in the Defeat the Unknown tournament to advance to the finals. This sets me in great stead for when I come to face the unstoppable Philly war machine that is “The Soul”, Mr TJ in just a few nights time even without my Pro Life title.
Shane West: Well I'm glad you're confident. But you're both still pretty badly banged up huh? How do you think your injuries will factor into your match?
Callahan taps the plaster on his forehead covering the war scar left by Jason Kash only to pause awkwardly as he sinks into relapse. The sound of the chair bouncing off his skull echoes through his ears as he replays the image of Kash swinging for the fences over and over in his mind. Something is definitely wrong.
Michael Callahan: We're injured in different ways Mr. West. He's got a bad leg because of that no-good limey Julius Farquhar exploiting every rule in the book and damn near shattering the poor boy's ankle. Me? I've got a cut in my head and as we learnt just this past week, I can fight even if blood is pumping out of a hole in my face. TJ on the other hand even with his immense talents, speed, strength and raw animality in that ring simply can't contend with me if he can't stand on his own two feet. Y'know the expression right? A man can't fight if he can't stand. All I need to do is isolate that leg and he won't be able to base that power game, he won't be able to throw me around like a rag doll because as soon as he tries to power me up that vertical base just collapses like a deck chair underneath him.
Shane West: Well that's all well and good, but he's new, unpredictable. Why should you of all people get to advance to the Asylum Elimination Chamber over him?
Michael Callahan: Because I'd be a terrible capitalist if I wasn't to make the best of this incredible opportunity Shane. Now more than ever is the time to become a certified Callahan constituent. The Pro Life Era may have been tragically aborted by that maniac Jason Kash but now is the time to counter strike while the iron is still hot. I'm 1-0 when it comes to challenging for the title and I plan to extend that to two. We've seen just how well I can handle pressure and the odds being stacked against me and just like Rocky Balboa, I come back stronger than ever when I'm down and out. There's only one destination for me Shane and that's all American global conquest. I'm coming for Anthony Bailey, I'm coming for the World Heavyweight title and this Sunday at Asylum? I'm coming for you TJ and that my friend? That is a promise.
He pats Shane reassuringly on the back and walks off camera immediately letting the confidence slip away, clutching his own face as the inner turmoil finally busts out. He putters around aimlessly unsure of where he's going to go next looking to smoke.
