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[Jason Cashe]

Oh I wasn't meaning it as you were being a dick about it or anything. You just make the smallest mistake feel like an open chest wound. Best feedback in eWrestling hands down.

[Kurt]

I always feel kind of awkward reviewing my opponent's RP, but I waited until after the show was posted to do so, just so as to not impact any decision Jeff may have had, ha.

"Wild Dreams" Critique

Interesting opening. I won't lie though, I'm typically not a big fan of dream RPs because I always think to myself "How would I see this on TV?" Then again, if you view RPing like a dramatic TV show like I do, it's not a stretch to use a dream; it's just not my preferred method. Not really a critique, just a casual note!

The run-on sentences do detract my attention from the piece slightly. The first sentence itself was grammatically incorrect, so you do put yourself on a difficult starting position. I continue to stress either reading your RPs aloud for clarity, or finding a proof-reader. You've certainly gotten better in this department since you first got here, but there's some improvements that can be made to clarify your meaning.

Nice use of color to distinguish the name 'Noble-Hart.' Little touches like that really boost the quality of a piece, as they add a nice personal touch.

Okay, the monologue in the dream kind of throws me off. It feels like it's trying to combine a fantastical element (the bear fight) with the realistic element (the match), and it's not meshing well together. I'm not saying don't mention the match in a dream-scenario, because everything you do should tie into the big picture. What I'm saying is that if you adopt a dream scenario, play by its rules. Be fanatic. Use the dream setting to your advantage. Personally, something like narrating to the bear about your struggles would have been more effective than monologuing to a hypothetical camera.

No-sells like "A nobody like Level-One" are not going to help you. Egotism is perfectly acceptable; downright character delusion comes off as odd when you present your character as fairly functional and sane for the most part.

The trash talking is solid, and you make a tangible argument in saying Chris and Kurt aren't exactly in a high-spot with all their recent losses. Just be sure to develop a point that has weight; if you have a point you can't support, drop it.

Try and be consistent in color coding. You have some green narration and some white narration. If it's done on purpose, like the yellow, just be sure it's done in an obvious fashion, or else it stands out for the wrong reason.

I dunno if I misunderstood what happened, but Fizz was the one calling...but Stefan was talking? That part really confused me.

I do like the t-shirt bit. It's always a nice tangible aspect of an RP.

I think you missed an opportunity to elaborate on the dream; it's dropped almost immediately after it happens. Sharing with Stefan definitely would have given you a more cohesive idea, although I do lime the duality of the "Wild Dreams" idea.

Overall, I wasn't a huge fan of this piece. It was actually a really solid idea, and I don't even like dream RPs; the idea of Yarmouth's conquest could have made for a fun metaphor if expanded. There were just too many little things that held the RP back for me: A lack of selling, grammatical issues, and some inconsistencies along the way. I hope I don't seem like I'm coming off as too critical for the sake of being critical just because you were my opponent; instead, I'm being critical because I know you're one of the people in APW really looking for improvement. Thus, knowing what to work on is essential for getting to the next level.

However, I do believe it was a solid effort that took a risk, and I'm glad you took it; you're coming into your own distinct style, and hopefully this was a week to help you get closer to it.

Good job bud!

[Kurt]

Just wanted to make a note that I did give Bartlett feedback via PM, so no one can say I skipped him.

"A Just Cause" Critique

Let's get this out of the way: I think you're funny (go out with me plz?). I think you've got a genuine sense of humor that I can appreciate; when you make me smirk at the opening line, you've got my attention.

A little pet peeve of mine is switching from talking *about* your opponent to talking *to* them without a contextual shift. It's not an overbearing issue, and is easily correctable, just wanted to point it out, ha.

About lost it at "desert full of shit," ha!

The Waikiki beach angle is very strong. The laptop gives it a physical sense, the humor is consistent, and you employ lots of techniques to keep the reader's attention: rhetorical questions, vivid imagery, and of course, humor. I quite liked that bit.

Part of this RP feels like a response, particularly around the "extras" bit. It's not a huge issue, just something that didn't quite mesh with the more narrative-based flow of the previous section. Just be sure if you introduce something like this, give it some context, just in case your reader isn't as familiar with events that have transpired.

Lost it at the Katie Holmes line, ha.

I quite enjoyed the monologue; flow of ideas was pretty good, humor was consistent, and the character Atken comes off as menacing, reserved, and comical, I applaud you for that. My only complaint is that the other characters kind of dropped off quickly, but Atken maintains a strong enough presence that I didn't miss them, ha.

Ending line was great.

This was a very strong piece, and you should be very, very proud of it. It was funny, incredibly relevant, and above all else, entertained me. It felt like a quick read because it didn't feel bogged down or stretched out. The issues I pointed out were minor at best. Really enjoyed reading this one bud, and sorry I don't have a ton to offer you. Take me out to dinner and maybe we'll talk.

Great job bud!

[Kurt]

"Just Give Me A Chance" Critique

Like the opening before the dialogue. It is weird that the word 'tranquil' comes to mind? Ha!

I think I remember hitting on this issue before, but you have a small tendency to over-extend your sentences using commas. They don't all come off as run-ons, but it creates a sort of dragging feeling; I'm not sure what parts of what sentences should be emphasized.

Here's a small way to see if your sentence is a bit too long: Take a breath, and read a sentence slowly. Articulate each word. Take a new breath with each sentence, and pause between sentences. If you feel winded before a sentence ends, or you feel yourself naturally trying to pause before a sentence ends, it's a bit too long, and needs to have the punctuation modified. I'm personally a fan of semi-colons; they're all the rage.

You actually correct the problem as the piece goes along. Read the opening bits of dialogue, and put them next to later sections of text to see if you see the difference.

First scene sets up Krunk well enough. Good ending hook.

Second scene didn't really mesh with the theme of the first scene; Krunk is working out, and talks about inflicting pain on his opponents, which contradicts the idea of out-smarting them (having strength of mind) that you bring up in the first scene. The second scene set up another perspective on Krunk's match, but did end up feeling unnecessary in the big picture.

Third scene was good. I don't see Krunk as a real vicious guy, so the notion of inflicting pain doesn't have a full impact on me, but you do create the effect that Krunk has to talk himself into doing it, which I like.

I like that you sell both Lively and Salieri. Both come off as a big threat to Krunk, which definitely helps ell the match.

The Italian bit was a nice touch; a little overtly aggressive, but a nice touch nonetheless.

Be sure to differentiate between you're and your. It's a small issue, but it's a very noticeable one. You're is a contraction; it only means "you are." Your is a possession: Your back, your books, your life. Be sure when you use the word your in the future to double-check which one you're intending to use.

There's definitely a transition in character attitude as the piece progress: Some effective, some not as effective. Krunk's confidence boosts, but he comes off as a little too aggressive without an incredibly justified reason. But, I do like the development.

It was a pretty solid piece overall. I'm normally not a fan of lots of scenes in an RP, but each one reflected a different person and attitude, so they were varied enough. There were some small nagging problems, but nothing absolutely major. Just work on polishing and refining your character and the technical aspects of your work, and you'll be set. Good job bud!

[Kurt]

I think I got everybody, just like I said I would! I have one PM to give feedback through, but I'll handle that when I can, ha.

So basically, I'm going back into regular feedback mode: I'll critique RPs on the feedback board when I can, as well as offer my thoughts on shows when/if I have time. However, for those of you still wanting feedback, the best way to reach me is always a PM; I respond more promptly that way (or at least I try to!).

Also, one thing to remember guys: Feedback is a pay-it-forward system. If you see someone that needs help, offer your help. You don't have to offer mountains and mountains of feedback; Just what you thought, what you liked and didn't like, or anything like that will suffice. If you're Kash, and don't think you have anything to offer...ask yourself: Do I have an opinion? If you answer is yes, you're qualified to give feedback, ha.

Hope you guys liked what you were given, and if you didn't...well, I won't expect a Christmas card.

[The Soul Of Philly]

I got what I wanted and that was to Rick Roll you.

Therefore, I win.

[Jason Cashe]

For the record, I've been helping Krunk and Bartlett through PM as of late. So I give better advice than I take for myself. Just regular degrading myself.

[yarmouth1]

Sept 13, 2012 23:12:27 GMT -4 Kurt said:

I always feel kind of awkward reviewing my opponent's RP, but I waited until after the show was posted to do so, just so as to not impact any decision Jeff may have had, ha.

"Wild Dreams" Critique

Interesting opening. I won't lie though, I'm typically not a big fan of dream RPs because I always think to myself "How would I see this on TV?" Then again, if you view RPing like a dramatic TV show like I do, it's not a stretch to use a dream; it's just not my preferred method. Not really a critique, just a casual note!

The run-on sentences do detract my attention from the piece slightly. The first sentence itself was grammatically incorrect, so you do put yourself on a difficult starting position. I continue to stress either reading your RPs aloud for clarity, or finding a proof-reader. You've certainly gotten better in this department since you first got here, but there's some improvements that can be made to clarify your meaning.

Nice use of color to distinguish the name 'Noble-Hart.' Little touches like that really boost the quality of a piece, as they add a nice personal touch.

Okay, the monologue in the dream kind of throws me off. It feels like it's trying to combine a fantastical element (the bear fight) with the realistic element (the match), and it's not meshing well together. I'm not saying don't mention the match in a dream-scenario, because everything you do should tie into the big picture. What I'm saying is that if you adopt a dream scenario, play by its rules. Be fanatic. Use the dream setting to your advantage. Personally, something like narrating to the bear about your struggles would have been more effective than monologuing to a hypothetical camera.

No-sells like "A nobody like Level-One" are not going to help you. Egotism is perfectly acceptable; downright character delusion comes off as odd when you present your character as fairly functional and sane for the most part.

The trash talking is solid, and you make a tangible argument in saying Chris and Kurt aren't exactly in a high-spot with all their recent losses. Just be sure to develop a point that has weight; if you have a point you can't support, drop it.

Try and be consistent in color coding. You have some green narration and some white narration. If it's done on purpose, like the yellow, just be sure it's done in an obvious fashion, or else it stands out for the wrong reason.

I dunno if I misunderstood what happened, but Fizz was the one calling...but Stefan was talking? That part really confused me.

I do like the t-shirt bit. It's always a nice tangible aspect of an RP.

I think you missed an opportunity to elaborate on the dream; it's dropped almost immediately after it happens. Sharing with Stefan definitely would have given you a more cohesive idea, although I do lime the duality of the "Wild Dreams" idea.

Overall, I wasn't a huge fan of this piece. It was actually a really solid idea, and I don't even like dream RPs; the idea of Yarmouth's conquest could have made for a fun metaphor if expanded. There were just too many little things that held the RP back for me: A lack of selling, grammatical issues, and some inconsistencies along the way. I hope I don't seem like I'm coming off as too critical for the sake of being critical just because you were my opponent; instead, I'm being critical because I know you're one of the people in APW really looking for improvement. Thus, knowing what to work on is essential for getting to the next level.

However, I do believe it was a solid effort that took a risk, and I'm glad you took it; you're coming into your own distinct style, and hopefully this was a week to help you get closer to it.

Good job bud!

Cheers for that fella, It was fun writing that role play and just hope its enough but if your doing two role plays then i will too but this time it wont be in a dream I have done two dreams now and think that's enough of them.

Thanks for the feed back fella it really does help.

Cheers Yarm.

[Metrodamus]

Sept 13, 2012 19:51:54 GMT -4 Jason Cashe said:

Oh I wasn't meaning it as you were being a dick about it or anything. You just make the smallest mistake feel like an open chest wound. Best feedback in eWrestling hands down.

I wonder what I would be like then doing full blown feedback as opposed to minor read and feeds. I think Kyle can more than attest to this ...