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Post by Kurt on Sept 12, 2012 21:27:40 GMT -4
Instant being 24 hours, ha!
I kinda fee like I fell off the face off the Earth as far as feedback goes. I won't bore you with the details, but life got hectic with school and work, and doing any sort of feedback got pushes to the back...which is bad of me.
So, for the next 24 hours, anyone that posts an RP review topic, an RP link, or even a show link...will get RP feedback on it within 24 hours. I don't care who it is; you'll get feedback. If you don't, I'll put "So and so makes me rock hard" in my signature for the next week to demonstrate my shame in being a liar.
Go go go!
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Post by Nick Watson on Sept 12, 2012 21:29:52 GMT -4
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chaos lite
Midcarder
you'll never know what hit you.
Posts: 360
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Post by chaos lite on Sept 12, 2012 21:39:51 GMT -4
I was going to request feedback but I'd rather see "Aubrey J. Parker makes me rock hard" in your signature ;D ;D
In EVERYBODY'S signature.
Now I'm going to go read Nick Watson's RP.
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Post by michaelharris on Sept 12, 2012 21:51:20 GMT -4
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Post by Kurt on Sept 12, 2012 21:58:13 GMT -4
"Close Doesn't Matter" Critique I like the title. I know it's a little thing, but it's an attention grabber. Although, I would advise putting "TSS Episode XX" at the top of the actual RP, instead of the topic title. It might just make it look less cluttered. Try to use physicality to demonstrate emotion instead of simply telling it. You can become a more effective write by showing, instead of telling. Something like... "I had lost everything again and was now back to opening shows instead of headlineing them and it was all because of a critical mistake that I had made." Could be shown by saying like... "The nagging, pulsing pain in the back of my neck reminded me of what I'd lost: Everything. My agony flared as I was told that I was once again opening shows instead of headlining them, all because of my mistakes." By doing more showing, you don't put an idea in the reader's head, and in turn, created a more captivated audience. You actually do more showing as the RP goes on, so props for even correcting it as it happens! Ha. There's some minor grammatical issues. Not a complaint; I'm actually making a note that I think you've cleaned up in this area compared to the last time I reviewed one of your works. It's a minor, but important thing, so I'm glad the work's a little smoother now. The opening scene does a good job at showing us where Watson is at. I think it ended on a strangely upbeat note due to the proceeding broodiness, but it wasn't a momentum-killer. Only thing is that the characters around Watson didn't end up having much of an impact on the overall story the RP told, but this is a Watson-focused RP, so I understand why it happened. I think the RP is just slightly too introverted. A lot happens in Watson's head, which is great for reflection, but think about an RP from a viewers perspective: What would we be seeing? There's a good deal of monologuing later on, but scene-wise, little happens. I do think that this just a critique for this RP and not in general, because I do think you have impactful scene RPs generally. I do think you have a broad perspective with Watson: Like, I would know what happened on Shockwave even had I not read it because you offer a good view on the events that transpired. However, this comes with a downside: Sometimes, I feel like you don't necessarily have a direction in your RPs. Sometimes the long paragraphs in the monologue jump from idea to idea, without stopping to highlight one particular point. You can always drop one-liners or use spacing to articulate one particular sentence or point more effectively. The RP tells a good story about getting beaten down and rising up from your experiences. Reflected well given the introduction. Overall, it was a solid piece. There was a good inner-story here that had might have benefited from a bit more outer action to parallel it, but perhaps that's what shows are for, ha. Good job bud! |
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Post by Johnny Rebel on Sept 12, 2012 22:00:21 GMT -4
Rebel makes Kurt hard should be a standing line in Kurt's sig anyway.
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Post by The Soul Of Philly on Sept 12, 2012 22:06:17 GMT -4
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Post by Kurt on Sept 12, 2012 22:25:57 GMT -4
Rebel makes Kurt hard should be a standing line in Kurt's sig anyway. I thought it was implied.  "The Grudge" Critique Like the graphic. It's a little big, but it's an attention-getter. Okay, you gotta change the font. I dunno if my eyesight sucks too badly, or if it's just too small, but it's difficult to make out. I can still read it, but I definitely feel you should up the size font by 1 or 2 for the future. I like the t-shirt aspect. It adds to the physicality of the RP. Nice way to set it up. I've mentioned it before, but I still feel like some dialogue and explanations are too wordy. You don't use any contractions when people are talking, which comes off as very proper and a bit unrealistic at times. That's not the detractor for me though. Try and trim down things like this: "Before lowering his head and walking away upstairs to report to his room for whatever his father had deemed wrong." We don't need certain words here, like "upstairs" or "whatever his father had deemed wrong." The first isn't overly necessary, and we already got the second. My advice would be to read certain seconds of your RP aloud: If you were reading telling this to someone as a story, would you describe it like that? I know I've made an issue of this before, and it's better than before because it's not so much in Harris's head now, but it is still something to work on. See, I like that a simple thing like a shirt causes so much strife, ha. Good section here that sells Marvin and allows you to vocalize Harris's opinion of him. The pre-monologue was good. I felt like Jeanette had a bit more character development than Harris, but the overall idea was really solid. Went a bit off-track with the ex-husband thing, but not a bad ending; that sort of thing would end a normal fight, ha. Really, really like the use of pictures to tell a story. It's very attractive to the eyes, and stands out amongst walls of texts that I and others do for monologues, ha. You laid out a good ground-work for the match. I wish it would have gone a bit further in terms of really portraying Harris's jealousy besides saying "It shoulda been me, dammit!,' but it good the job done. Still not a big fan of telling me things opposed to showing me them in the monologue. It's honestly one of those things I'll always point out. Overall, it was a good RP. I really, really liked the frame-work and images to tell the story, as well as the t-shirt idea. I think it would have been cool to design a t-shirt to use in the monologue to parallel the idea, but that's just me. There still were some nagging issues that I've hit on before, so it's just something to think about for the future. I really do think once all the telling is gone, you'll be where you want to be. Good job bud! |
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Post by Kurt on Sept 12, 2012 22:27:45 GMT -4
The harmony is great. The energy is pretty good too. TJ is such a handsome man with a great amount of heart, and that definitely shows in that piece! Someone make this man a Champion! Would read again! |
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chaos lite
Midcarder
you'll never know what hit you.
Posts: 360
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Post by chaos lite on Sept 12, 2012 22:30:06 GMT -4
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Post by Nick Watson on Sept 12, 2012 22:34:52 GMT -4
I do have a question for you, Kurt. How do you suppose I can improve on my focus, clarifying this would help me out a lot. As far as the part about me needing more action, you are correct about that, but you also have to figure I'm used to writing 10,000 word rps almost on a weekly basis, and that condensing it down to 4,000 was hard. Especially this week as my monologue went on rather longer than I expected. What I need really is help with developing my ability to focus on things and a slight demonstration via PM or right here on this post would be killer for me as I am trying so damn hard to adapt my writing style to the current way that Overdrive is.
There is no doubt that Nick is an upgrade over Pence and I'm proud to have a more realistic character to toy around with and mold. Anyway, any help you can offer on that front would dearly be appreciated. Thank you for the time, Amigo.
~Nick Watson
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Post by A.C. Smith on Sept 12, 2012 22:42:00 GMT -4
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Post by Kurt on Sept 12, 2012 23:04:06 GMT -4
I do have a question for you, Kurt. How do you suppose I can improve on my focus, clarifying this would help me out a lot. As far as the part about me needing more action, you are correct about that, but you also have to figure I'm used to writing 10,000 word rps almost on a weekly basis, and that condensing it down to 4,000 was hard. Especially this week as my monologue went on rather longer than I expected. What I need really is help with developing my ability to focus on things and a slight demonstration via PM or right here on this post would be killer for me as I am trying so damn hard to adapt my writing style to the current way that Overdrive is. There is no doubt that Nick is an upgrade over Pence and I'm proud to have a more realistic character to toy around with and mold. Anyway, any help you can offer on that front would dearly be appreciated. Thank you for the time, Amigo. ~Nick Watson You can accomplish this in two non-mutually exclusive ways. 1. The first is by figuring out what theme you want your RP to develop/create. This needs to be able to be summarized in one sentence. I'm gonna use a self-reference effect for the moment, and then I'll ask you to apply it to your RP. Sound good? My theme of "A Beautiful Lie" was that Kurt Noble's perceived betrayals are causing him to lash out at others. That was the message of my RP; here's how I set it up: A.Opening scene between Noble/Kylie, where Kylie developed the idea. - I take the original idea, and have another character make it important. You can have your protagonist do this, but I like to do it through side characters. Noble is very rarely the fore-front of my RPs. B. End of opening scene, Noble begins to form an opinion about the theme. - Before the monologue, take a stance on your theme; for me, it was Noble declaring that he would use the match as a gauge for Chris. C. Elaborate on Noble's idea in the monologue. - Here's what I do in my head: Make a linear outline of what I want to say, with each idea building on the last. This last RP went like this: Noble highlights the EI's "truth" in their tweets> exposes how they're not actually true > say how their attitudes affect the match > end on showing how their attitudes reflect APW's attitude of Noble/how he's been betrayed. Every single idea built on the last, and that's what you want to do. You should be able to look at every large paragraph and make a sentence or two that summarizes it. So here's what I want you to do: Look at your RP, especially the monologue, and condense every paragraph to one sentence. Then ask yourself... - Did I capture what this paragraph is about? - Does this RP build on the central theme from the beginning? (even if it doesn't, if it sets for an idea that does, that's okay) - Does this idea connect to the next point I want to make? The problems people have here are when they have a lot of points that are jumbled and don't connect; then you don't have coherence, and it makes a piece skimable because I don't have to read it all. Harris actually did a great job at having an outline in his RP I reviewed, especially the monologue section. So essentially, when you're writing, have a visual map of where you want to go. Make a point by point list of what you're seeing, and see if it builds to your theme. Make something like this: THEME: XXX SCENE: XXX POINT 1: XXX POINT 2: XXX POINT 3: XXX The final point should tie into your theme. If it doesn't, you need to re-balance the piece. I don't mean to use my own piece in a way to suggest "LOL, this is right, do it this way!" Everyone's got their own distinct style with advantages and disadvantages; it's easiest for me to use my own work because I know it better than I know like Rebel or L1's work, ha. Not trying to be an egotist. ;D Now, onto the 2nd way (it's shorter, ha). 2. Spacing. You don't need huge paragraphs; points gets lost in them. If you make a new, distinct point, space it out. I'm gonna take on of your paragraphs, and space it out when I see a new point being made: (FIRST POINT: BAD GUYS ARE TAKING OVER)It surprises me that very few people realize the situation at hand. The villains who have taken control of APW are seemingly using the power that they have obtained to bolster themselves while they spite those that pay the money for admission. (SECOND POINT: NO ONE IS DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT)Meanwhile, the guys who should be fighting this war, have taken a backseat, and instead of taking the initiative by bringing the fight to them, instead they are pretending that nothing is going on. I know not if it is simple ignorance or if it is just a simple case of them not caring, but our heroes...the idols I look up to, have ignored the pleas of the people that they have vowed to protect and entertain. (THIRD POINT: I DID SOMETHING ABOUT IT)So last week, with the weakened, but still resilient power that the people have, I marched out, and socked Evan Envi right on the nose. I did what no one else would do. I took the initiative and I knocked the first domino of this war against villainy on its' ass. Yet, as the dust of my battle with Evan began to settle, and the glimmer of hope from the people bolstered my resilient fighting spirit, a darkness swooped in, and took it all away. So as you can see...you're already building on your ideas, they're just getting lost in a big paragraph! Space your work out. Use one-liners. You'll high-light the points you are making, and you help the reader not get lost. If you feel a natural shift in the idea you're talking about...space it out! I do hope this wasn't over-whelming. If I wasn't articulate enough, PLEASE send me a PM and I'll work with you on more. I didn't intend to type so much, but I really wanted to help, ha. EDIT: And as for action, I understand. I guess one thing to ask yourself when finishing an RP is: What just happened? If you can even have one small scene that advanced your character or scene, that's enough. Even something like Watson saying how overwhelmed he feels to the first girl is enough because it's something you can quote back on if necessary. I'm a 2k writer at hard, so I'm used to staring quickly and ending quickly. I could never write a 10k RP unless it was basically 3 or 4 scenes in one! Ha. |
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Post by Kurt on Sept 12, 2012 23:10:40 GMT -4
That kinda winded me, and I still have homework, so I'm gonna call it a night for feedback, ha. I promise I will get to you before the time is up AC.
If anyone else would like some feedback, please just feel free to drop a link. I know I sometimes come off as overly critical, but I promise I always try and be constructive. I'm never someone to tell someone else their work sucks, even if I don't like it.
I won't be available pretty much all of Friday or Saturday, so now's a great chance to get my opinion if you want it!
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Post by Jason Cashe on Sept 13, 2012 3:25:14 GMT -4
Noble, you make it seem like rps are rocket science now. Makes me sad..
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Post by yarmouth1 on Sept 13, 2012 5:18:11 GMT -4
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Tommy Bartlett
Jobber
Aubrey J. Parker really does make me rock hard... just sayin'
Posts: 80
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Post by Tommy Bartlett on Sept 13, 2012 8:55:12 GMT -4
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Post by Blade on Sept 13, 2012 11:08:27 GMT -4
Why does it have to be private? |
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Post by Mark Mania on Sept 13, 2012 11:22:58 GMT -4
Because he doesn't want Kurt to rip him a new asshole in front of everyone.
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Post by Blade on Sept 13, 2012 11:25:12 GMT -4
Dont F'n ask for feedback then
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Post by Mark Mania on Sept 13, 2012 11:29:23 GMT -4
Ohhhh Blade's gettin' angry. You tell 'em big guy! Just, don't go apologizing on the other thread for it.
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Post by Phil Atken on Sept 13, 2012 11:36:57 GMT -4
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Pat Stay
Low Carder
The One & Only
Posts: 154
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Post by Pat Stay on Sept 13, 2012 12:21:48 GMT -4
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Post by Jason Cashe on Sept 13, 2012 12:44:21 GMT -4
I have no real business giving feedback. Bartlett, Kurt Noble is the very best at feedback. I, myself still use a feedback he gave me a year ago as a guideline today. That should say something.
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Tommy Bartlett
Jobber
Aubrey J. Parker really does make me rock hard... just sayin'
Posts: 80
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Post by Tommy Bartlett on Sept 13, 2012 12:56:06 GMT -4
Dont F'n ask for feedback then I just figured it was easier than filling this whole thread with lengthy reviews is all |
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Tommy Bartlett
Jobber
Aubrey J. Parker really does make me rock hard... just sayin'
Posts: 80
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Post by Tommy Bartlett on Sept 13, 2012 12:57:14 GMT -4
Meh, I'm a fan of your work,
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Post by Jason Cashe on Sept 13, 2012 13:08:34 GMT -4
I'd like to think I was a fan of my work as well but I'm not half the time. AJP is hot though..
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Tommy Bartlett
Jobber
Aubrey J. Parker really does make me rock hard... just sayin'
Posts: 80
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Post by Tommy Bartlett on Sept 13, 2012 13:29:55 GMT -4
Meh... I'm a Jason Kash fan... I'd love to hear what you have to say about my style and if you have any suggestions
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Post by Jason Cashe on Sept 13, 2012 13:33:27 GMT -4
When Bartlett and Kash meet, make friends. Kash has none..Sad
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Post by Kurt on Sept 13, 2012 19:45:11 GMT -4
Noble, you make it seem like rps are rocket science now. Makes me sad.. I just apply the same criticisms and mindset that I apply to literature, ha. Plus I got decent at constructive criticism and analyzing speeches during my time doing debate, so it's what I do, ha. I don't think I'm some sort of rocket scientist about it, I'm just willing to share my opinion, ha. Anyway, moving on! "Visiting the Artifacts" Critique I like the tone of the opening about the decrepit city. I especially like that you use it as a segue into talking about Watson. Smooth opening. Like the background information, but I wish you would have elaborated on a bit more. You mention that you and Watson have had experience together over the months, but list one match and then proceed to list other bet AC has beaten. I like the aspect that you show AC has gotten better, but you start drifting off-course right before the middle of the piece. You still stay relevent to the match, just feel like an opportunity to really put a 'nail' in Watson vs. Smith was missed. However, I do like that you stay very relevant to the match at hand, and most importantly, you sell Nick quite well. I think I remember making a note of selling reading one of your pieces in the past, so it's really good to see the change! You do kind of start repeating yourself though. You make the point that you've beaten Stryker/Biggs, and then the same point that you know what Watson's going through, all without a different contextual meaning. It's not a huge repeat, just one I noticed. I know this feedback isn't as long as some of the others, but I really didn't see any fundamental problems. My only real thing to pinpoint for the future is working on leaving us an aspect or idea to look forward to. Your RPs are very self-contained, which gives them a great cohesive feel (very smooth flow), but the downside is that there's not a sense of urgency to read what happens next. Even if you stick to just a monologue, the way to do that is to sell an idea for *next* week: For example, what's next after you beat Watson? Is he a stepping stone for greater things to come? Good RP, good focus, good setting to mirror the idea, and overall a really solid job. Good job bud! |
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